I'm so tired of being here578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ6DT78Iq3H
Suppressed by all my childish fears578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZtVUPKVo4n
And if you have to leave578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxzOOJrZqU
I wish that you would just leave578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEjmeve8x1X
'Cause your presence still lingers here578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEXvdZYHhpw
And it won't leave me alone578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCuZqvqQYi3
578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSB1rp83fUB
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZw8fWLU5el
There's just too much that time cannot erase578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdam6BIon0Y
578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI121Zj7lB8
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPB0ZMVU6cg
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuCVqi8enAl
And I held your hand through all of these years578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1fvGeGDMez
But you still have all of me
“You need to stop listening to that song,” said Claire, coming up behind Kayla where she lay on the bed she had shared with Ariana and jerked the earbuds out of the brunette’s ears.
“I like this song,” Kayla snapped, snatching the buds out of Claire’s hand. She lay back down and put the earbuds back in her ears.
You used to captivate me by your resonating light578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdUW7YuT0XB
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡziBWj7MOq9
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvs3ZInC1n7
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxsoy1Ug64w
578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPtKT1Yy0F
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD6kF01wy9F
There's just too much that time cannot erase578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU9XfuEUNdK
578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhhvhlPcqJC
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡciAV3pyrHf
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyle88VMKLf
And I held your hand through all of these years578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfozlWVETMR
But you still have all of me
“If you’re going to listen to music, listen to something happy at least,” said Claire, making a play to grab Kayla’s iPod. Kayla was faster and held the music player out of Claire’s reach.
“Go away, Claire,” she groaned.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNvOBisKlTI
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAg9SAeFGEV
578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaiQ2hkfsIf
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSV5PGoZIK2
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuFIJs98yT0
And I held your hand through all of these years578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYnOFrzfKEh
You still have all of me
“Now, you’ve listened to it,” said Claire firmly. “C’mon, try something more upbeat!” She managed to get her hands on the device and started scrolling through songs far more energetically than Kayla thought was necessary.
“Claire, stop it,” Kayla snapped, reaching out to jerk the player away. They fought briefly over control of the player and as they did, one of them pressed the Play button.
The day we met,578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXlMfKczTtp
Frozen I held my breath578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYQshyA7NxM
Right from the start578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡypz34WNURp
I knew that I'd found a home for my heart...
Kayla jerked the buds out of her ears and tossed them and the iPod across the room. She backed away from Claire, shaking her head violently. She sat down, shaking so badly she wasn’t sure her legs would keep her upright. It came flooding back all at once; a slow dance around a messy library, waking up to the smells of cinnamon and strawberries and the supple softness of her skin.
“Shit…” Kayla whimpered. “I’m sorry, Claire. That… that was our song.”
“You and Ariana,” said Claire, looking very sad. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have… I just wanted to…”
“I know,” said Kayla. “I just… I can’t hear that song right now.” She hadn’t realized, until right then, just how much hearing that song would affect her. She hadn’t even thought about that song since Ariana had been shot, but the first note of it had sent chills down her spine and a spike through her heart. A thousand years… they hadn’t even had a month!
“I thought… I thought we were going out?” said Kayla, deciding she desperately needed a change of subject.
“Alana seemed to think it best to give you some time to yourself. She’s ready, though, whenever you are.”
The rest of the evening passed in a blur. Alana dragged Kayla out to a movie and then to dinner. Claire was disappointed that she couldn’t eat anything, but she seemed to enjoy the movie until someone came up and sat down right on top of her. Kayla actually laughed aloud at that. Her sudden, inexplicable laughter drew strange looks her way, and awkward questions from Alana, but she didn’t care.
It was the first time she could remember laughing in recent memory. She had been so miserable for so long that she barely remembered what laughter felt like. With Ariana around, her life had been full of laughter. With her gone, it was as though all the laughter had been sucked out of the whole world. She was glad to find that it hadn’t been.
At dinner, Kayla found that she had started to feel better than she had in a week. She came to realize that she could feel Ariana all around her. In the food they ordered, in the way her sister said certain words, and even in their waitress who had brilliantly red hair. At first, everything that reminded her of Ariana had made her feel terrible, but her mother’s talk had made her reconsider everything.
Instead of being reminded that Ariana was never going to come back into her life, she decided to focus on a good memory of the girl every time she saw or heard something that reminded her of the redhead. When the waitress brought them their food, she thought of the first day she met Ariana. She remembered biting into that delicious cupcake and seeing Ariana’s eyes light up when she said she liked it.
She did that all night long and she managed to get through it. By the time they returned to the warehouse, she felt better. She was still utterly miserable, but still she felt better than she had. It was going to take much more than a talk with her mother and one night out for her to begin to heal, but it was at least a start.
Kayla made good on her promise and returned to the hospital around 8:00pm that evening with her sister. They walked through the darkened hospital and up to Ariana’s room. Kayla went immediately to Ariana’s bed. She still lay there, so still Kayla would have thought she had died had the EKG not indicated her heartbeat.
"Wow, she's really pretty," said Alana, hovering near the foot of Ariana's bed.
"Why is that the first thing everyone says when they see her lying in a hospital bed?" Kayla asked, sitting down in the chair beside the redhead's bed. Alana shrugged and said nothing. Kayla took Ariana's hand, smiling tearfully down at her.
"Hey, sweetie," she whispered. "This is my sister, Alana. She's here with me now and our mom is too. So, you don't have to worry about me. I want you to focus all of your strength on getting better. I'll be right here, baby, waiting for you." Kayla pressed her lips gently to Ariana's forehead, tears sliding relentlessly down her face. "I love you, kiddo."
Kayla drew away and sank slowly into her usual chair beside Ariana's bed. She kept a firm grip on Ariana's hand, hoping beyond hope that the redhead could somehow sense that she was there. Alana walked around to the far side of the bed, watching with a sad smile on her face.
"I hope I have that someday," she said wistfully. Kayla looked up at her.
"What?" she asked, unable to begin to guess what her younger sister could be talking about.
"I want what you and Ariana have," said Alana firmly. "I want the kind of love I see in you. She's your soul mate, Mikki. I want that. I want someone to look at me the way you look at her... because I've never seen anyone look at someone the way you look at her. It's like... I can't even describe it." Kayla shook her head.
"It's... the most amazing thing in the whole world," said Kayla quietly. She looked up at her sister with a stern expression on her face. "It's also the most terrifying thing you'll ever imagine. Love... it makes us weak. I... part of me believes love is weakness, because it damn sure makes us easier to hurt. But then I think about Ariana and I see how much strength she has and I... I'm not so sure anymore."
"I've seen you get hurt twice now, and it... it really scares me, Kayla," Alana confessed. "I don't want to feel the pain I've seen in your eyes... it'd be too much."
"You know, Mom said something really smart earlier today," said Kayla. "The pain I'm feeling, it... it's terrible. But I wouldn't trade the love I have for Ariana, the time I got to spend wit her, for anything. This pain... it's worth having now for what I was able to experience with her." She fixed her sister with her most serious stare. "It's worth it, Alana. It really is." Alana nodded and didn't reply.
"I'll... I'll leave you two alone," she said, turning and heading for the door. Before she could leave, however, Cooper pushed open the door and almost knocked her down.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Kayla!" he exclaimed hurriedly. He glanced at Alana, across the room at Kayla, then back at Alana. His mouth fell open. "Oh, dear God there's two of them..."
"Ha ha, very funny," said Kayla dryly. "Coop, this is my baby sister Alana. Alana, this is Cooper Jackson."
"Hi, Cooper," said Alana, smiling serenely at him. Cooper waved distractedly at her.
"It's nice to meet you, Alana," he said, walking over to Ariana's bed. "How is she?"
"The same," said Alana, hurrying over after him. "There's been no change."
"No news is good news, I suppose," said Cooper quietly.
“That’s right,” said Alana helpfully. Kayla arched her eyebrows at her younger sister, but said nothing. Cooper looked sadly down at Ariana while Alana stood next to him, patting his arm consolingly. Kayla cleared her throat uncomfortably.
“I’m gonna… I’m gonna grab some coffee from the vending machine,” she said slowly. “You guys want anything?”
“No, thanks,” said Alana briskly. Cooper shook his head. Kayla shrugged.
“Okay, then. I’ll… be right back.” She turned and headed down the hallway toward the cafeteria. The hospital tended to be fairly empty around that time of night and this proved to be true as Kayla encountered only a single nurse doing her rounds before she reached the cafeteria, which itself was completely empty.
She bought a cup of coffee from the vending machine and sat down at one of the many somewhat rickety tables that were scattered about the room. She sipped idly at her drink, not really tasting it or even really wanting it. She drank simply because it gave her something to do.
Kayla found herself often wishing for something to do, even though she had no energy to do anything at all. Really, she just wanted something to occupy her mind. That was the reason she had been listening to music back at the warehouse. It wasn’t because she was moping, but instead because she could lose herself in the songs and forget everything else.
If she could wish for anything right then, other than Ariana in full health, it would be to forget everything for just one day. If she could just have one day of pure, blissful peace… but she knew she couldn’t. Ariana was a constant, unending presence that wouldn’t leave her be. No matter what she did, the girl was always with her. She was even there with her in her dreams, torturing her without ever laying a finger on her.
“I just want to forget…” Kayla groaned to the empty room. She rested her forehead on the edge of the cool tabletop.
“Forget me?” Kayla’s head snapped up. Ariana sat at the neighboring table, those gorgeous blue eyes gazing over at her.
“Ari…” Kayla breathed as the redhead stood up and sat down at her table. “You… you can’t be here. You’re…”
“So badly brain damaged that I’ll never wake up again?” said Ariana plainly. “Yeah, I know. You’re right, I’m not really here. But then, you are seeing your dead best friend around here, so…”
“Oh, God… I’ve really lost it, haven’t I?” said Kayla weakly.
“You’re fine,” said Ariana firmly. “Trust me, you’ll be fine. But you and I do need to have a little chat. There are some things that you need to hear, and to hear them from me. First, you need to know that I don’t blame you for any of this. It isn’t your fault. You protect me. You did your best… there was nothing else you could have done for me.
“Secondly, it’s time you started to… let me go. Having you here, hearing your voice, it’s great. It’s good to know you’re there… but, you don’t have to come here everyday. You don’t have to spend every night here either. It’s okay for you to keep living your life, even if I can’t share it with you. The world doesn’t stop turning just because I’m dying. I need you to let me go. I can’t promise what will happen when you do, but… but Kayla, you’ve got to.”
“Claire said to hold on,” said Kayla quietly. “She said I needed to believe that you would get better.”
“And she’s right,” said Ariana. “I need your strength, your love… I need you. I don’t need you here, I need you out there, living. I need to know that you’re okay. You’re all I’ve got in the whole world, Kay-Kay… and I need you to be okay without me.”
“You sound like… are you saying you’re never coming back?” Kayla asked, unable to hold back her tears any longer. Ariana reached out and took Kayla’s hand. The redhead smiled warmly.
“Oh, never say never,” she told her firmly. “Love is the most powerful force in the universe, sweetie, and you and I have a heck of a lot of it. Keep it strong. I’m not saying you should stop loving me, or that you should forget about me. I just need you to be okay without me.”
“But I’m not, Ari,” Kayla whispered, shaking her head. “I… I don’t even know who I am anymore. I can’t think straight, I can’t sleep… I’m seeing dead people! I’m going crazy, Ariana. Shit, I’m already there! I need you back… bad.”
“I know,” Ariana said sadly. “Baby, I know you do. I’m trying, I think deep down you know that. I am fighting like hell to make it back to you. I’m trying… it’ll just take time.” She smiled again and leaned toward Kayla. They kissed and as Kayla closed her eyes, she felt her heart swell. She felt a tiny seed take hold within her and begin to grow. By the time they broke apart, Kayla had been filled with hope like never before.
“How did you…?” Kayla began, but as she opened her eyes she realized Ariana was gone. Across the room, the door opened and Kayla jumped, her head flying up off of the table. She looked around blearily and saw Cooper approaching her.
“Sorry,” he said apologetically. “I didn’t realize you were coming here for a nap,” Kayla looked up at him, confused.
“A nap? I didn’t…” She reached for her coffee only to find that it was ice cold. “It was a dream,” she whispered, unsure whether to feel happy or sad about that.
“What was?” Cooper asked. Kayla shrugged.
“Uh… nothing. It doesn’t matter.” She rubbed her eyes sleepily. “How… how long was I…?”
“About an hour,” said Cooper. “I started getting worried, so I came looking. Alana’s still with Ariana. She… talks a lot, your sister.” Kayla grinned.
“Yeah… that she does,” Kayla admitted. “She’s sweet, though.”
“Yeah…” said Cooper absently. “Yeah, she seems like a sweet girl. I think Ariana would like her.”
“Me too,” said Kayla, nodding.
“Well,” said Cooper. “I’m about to head home. Do you need anything? Clothes or anything from the warehouse?”
“Actually, Coop, I was thinking about… well, I thought I’d go back home. Spend the night at the warehouse tonight and… I just think it’d be good for me… to get out of here for a while.”
“I think that’s a good idea,” said Cooper, sounding immensely relieved. “Ariana would think so too,”
“You don’t think she’ll be upset?” Kayla asked. Cooper smiled and shook his head.
“I think she’d be very happy about it, actually,” He grinned. “C’mon, I’ll walk you back to Ariana’s room. Alana’s probably talking her ear off.”
“That sounds like Alana,” said Kayla. She hauled herself out of the chair and followed Cooper toward the door. She paused before she closed it, looking back at the place where she’d been sitting; at the place where she and Ariana had kissed. She smiled to herself at the memory. She still had that smile plastered to her face when she fell into bed back at the warehouse.578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj5S5R4bJta
