幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
389Please respect copyright.PENANAHHX1nooUqK
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
389Please respect copyright.PENANAmfmGcHT1DI
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
389Please respect copyright.PENANAUxzUhf0A1O
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
389Please respect copyright.PENANA0J58x0TwSH
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
389Please respect copyright.PENANAD7zBUwhw18
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
389Please respect copyright.PENANAL89LD25cUp
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
389Please respect copyright.PENANAHky2kA6NTA
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。389Please respect copyright.PENANAlb3XxYZ2Wz
389Please respect copyright.PENANAcqtwAqyQD0
389Please respect copyright.PENANAEQdQni9Vfa
389Please respect copyright.PENANAMUc03vCyDL
世界觀:389Please respect copyright.PENANADXTRfYSxZf
389Please respect copyright.PENANAw9VpmJCs7W
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
389Please respect copyright.PENANAsuGQoquLYB
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
389Please respect copyright.PENANAImL8z23Idv
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
389Please respect copyright.PENANAUD5XeDjnbX
389Please respect copyright.PENANA9qw4A2wFlu
劇情細節的提醒:389Please respect copyright.PENANA3X0wnPZWIm
389Please respect copyright.PENANA3Lcosy4Ggx
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:389Please respect copyright.PENANAHDR25Aun74
389Please respect copyright.PENANA1G4Q2Y5wf8
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。389Please respect copyright.PENANAYK3VxUX66I
389Please respect copyright.PENANA95MJeY5CHT
參考網站:389Please respect copyright.PENANADB3RLmYVVz
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html389Please respect copyright.PENANAKywoCNLtIw
389Please respect copyright.PENANAYA98pmgvCF
389Please respect copyright.PENANAWOt6yPgBUj
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。389Please respect copyright.PENANAKvEmI6gKeU
389Please respect copyright.PENANARPnuk9b6ep
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。389Please respect copyright.PENANAoDPA6CNXvY
389Please respect copyright.PENANAlx2HtE8K0j
389Please respect copyright.PENANAmH3c65tLJv
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。389Please respect copyright.PENANAFT8xvO959d
389Please respect copyright.PENANAmuvmep6pb9
389Please respect copyright.PENANAHxDuy9U9RZ
角色:389Please respect copyright.PENANA9voQnHDndQ
389Please respect copyright.PENANAXdgQ7CbCtO
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:389Please respect copyright.PENANA6xy0BPCqOJ
389Please respect copyright.PENANAIaR9CAppxW
主角:俊明
389Please respect copyright.PENANAgfcNUUaYnT
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)389Please respect copyright.PENANAcc8NUzI1Lj
389Please respect copyright.PENANAlMMfVhqlsU
主角現狀:遭人排擠
389Please respect copyright.PENANAK79UczergV
奉翊:389Please respect copyright.PENANAmVmWsn5zOp
不擅長飛行。389Please respect copyright.PENANAtb0auBQE3O
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。389Please respect copyright.PENANApW4kbZM9C9
389Please respect copyright.PENANA2o8UEs1Piw
389Please respect copyright.PENANAiw988mUPth
389Please respect copyright.PENANAvizr9i5Tx2
對於角色整體的感想:389Please respect copyright.PENANAbwyW5dDlfn
389Please respect copyright.PENANAKOb47kkQYY
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。389Please respect copyright.PENANA4UvHTCtQmo
389Please respect copyright.PENANA3wfPiPqvgy
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。389Please respect copyright.PENANAggPUduyuyf
389Please respect copyright.PENANATt6IzDULx2
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:389Please respect copyright.PENANAR2879N3EXO
389Please respect copyright.PENANAs3QYynA01b
原作:389Please respect copyright.PENANAAJCbAdMgOj
389Please respect copyright.PENANAb1KYoIYQHS
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388389Please respect copyright.PENANAep0mfmVgNz
389Please respect copyright.PENANAmeBICAmWxf
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)389Please respect copyright.PENANAId3F1e2pVX
389Please respect copyright.PENANAZfTHpvEKzm
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):389Please respect copyright.PENANAim50YMnBud
389Please respect copyright.PENANAqd9ex0TCcH
調整後:389Please respect copyright.PENANAtam5DHLTWG
389Please respect copyright.PENANAEXNzu0vpnV
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。389Please respect copyright.PENANAGScL8q9rXF
389Please respect copyright.PENANAHH6GGTrz6m
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。389Please respect copyright.PENANA3mspiLH1yo
389Please respect copyright.PENANAdfKqQZUw93
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。389Please respect copyright.PENANADLDoG0pFix
389Please respect copyright.PENANAYzXqseiRa3
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」389Please respect copyright.PENANAS5WQe6FQln
389Please respect copyright.PENANA2Rr48tRLIJ
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。389Please respect copyright.PENANAg8YOSdwISZ
389Please respect copyright.PENANAUGU07XVvFs
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:389Please respect copyright.PENANAmZRHOMUFTl
389Please respect copyright.PENANAqcPIEfxvla
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」389Please respect copyright.PENANA5raSGhw3bI
389Please respect copyright.PENANABsSY1AKdrD
查喀比茲?那是什麼?389Please respect copyright.PENANAn7HXqpfbg3
389Please respect copyright.PENANAjgt26pT6YN
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:389Please respect copyright.PENANA8Fw8c6yy1H
389Please respect copyright.PENANAE0ZrbBEo9C
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」389Please respect copyright.PENANAQwQhwEPlcv
389Please respect copyright.PENANACAyh756G7Q
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。389Please respect copyright.PENANAr8VXdMjbKD
389Please respect copyright.PENANA6jFqbHPaaY
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」389Please respect copyright.PENANA2RSLBYuiod
389Please respect copyright.PENANAi41akPCLJe
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。389Please respect copyright.PENANAb9KZC3Gmo6
389Please respect copyright.PENANAwoZSb5DALp
他進一步解釋道:389Please respect copyright.PENANAECX1fJKsbb
389Please respect copyright.PENANACkj1e0Jl2f
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」389Please respect copyright.PENANAzIXGkR24c3
389Please respect copyright.PENANAS0DJ5C1c0h
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:389Please respect copyright.PENANAZ2c2DiV5Ln
389Please respect copyright.PENANA8GufguLmB8
「查詢,查喀比茲。」389Please respect copyright.PENANALHjcw74SAV
389Please respect copyright.PENANARoNHtlA9as
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。389Please respect copyright.PENANA8vrXYeyxSd
389Please respect copyright.PENANA25Vg30KUb2
「──查無此項結果。」389Please respect copyright.PENANAyawDOh1wXh
389Please respect copyright.PENANAOlBLLlVH2P
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。389Please respect copyright.PENANAJZIhAmImW9
389Please respect copyright.PENANAkHbPd4cBwe
「啊啊!」389Please respect copyright.PENANANcaalJ9tKC
389Please respect copyright.PENANAv94XNT2csU
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。389Please respect copyright.PENANA0m39RcHuxQ
389Please respect copyright.PENANA7Pob7qgRwS
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」389Please respect copyright.PENANA11aGWfq1Fj
389Please respect copyright.PENANA8krJJuvVAI
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:389Please respect copyright.PENANAZia0ooJHIN
389Please respect copyright.PENANAYheywv6Ifq
查喀比茲。389Please respect copyright.PENANADQSsywYrKm
389Please respect copyright.PENANA0f6pnSJpQZ
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。389Please respect copyright.PENANAB9sOr8aZQR
389Please respect copyright.PENANADOsmPvAL13
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。389Please respect copyright.PENANAVdiLojxHMx
389Please respect copyright.PENANA8w9HwNoF1C
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:389Please respect copyright.PENANAot5cu05yWk
389Please respect copyright.PENANAp3xd3FsDRP
「你、你、你……該不會──」389Please respect copyright.PENANAnnX92NYIuW
389Please respect copyright.PENANAXyGdSOZbRc
「沒錯,我就是──」389Please respect copyright.PENANAPCcavrtbnw
389Please respect copyright.PENANASSkM44HnvV
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:389Please respect copyright.PENANA30Qjzw09xI
389Please respect copyright.PENANAvwSAeZdUwo
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」389Please respect copyright.PENANAaDETOFwngl
389Please respect copyright.PENANAUK6QFxMEJM
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:389Please respect copyright.PENANA0sOibon9Oq
389Please respect copyright.PENANArqCRmlafdZ
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」389Please respect copyright.PENANAYj7el21CcM
389Please respect copyright.PENANA84oOhx0Nxy
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。389Please respect copyright.PENANAPFjXJz76qj
389Please respect copyright.PENANAQEJ5pm7mTB
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:389Please respect copyright.PENANArcjhJciDb6
389Please respect copyright.PENANAMQs1KjzF9i
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」389Please respect copyright.PENANAoeckj6lYSJ
389Please respect copyright.PENANALb8Iwk0HZm
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。389Please respect copyright.PENANAO6usJZL2ud
389Please respect copyright.PENANAechkpGBz7p
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。389Please respect copyright.PENANAt7i57AL5ms
389Please respect copyright.PENANAzKT1o9KlvB
主線劇情:389Please respect copyright.PENANAluiTWv4ssg
389Please respect copyright.PENANAK3kkjrMxbt
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。389Please respect copyright.PENANACfO4CArL4t
389Please respect copyright.PENANAbGTfef7mzA
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。389Please respect copyright.PENANAz7zUqORSTN
389Please respect copyright.PENANAT5Boca1AY1
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。389Please respect copyright.PENANAJG4oo3KtrR
389Please respect copyright.PENANAZC1hKC0UHw
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:389Please respect copyright.PENANAifooyqyiti
389Please respect copyright.PENANAKQpHwwEcJp
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)389Please respect copyright.PENANAmhtOUROPPE
389Please respect copyright.PENANAmjNjlBcm9h
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)389Please respect copyright.PENANAUENDPXErWx
389Please respect copyright.PENANAdmcPNqwlD5
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)389Please respect copyright.PENANAEpXKSFzXOi
389Please respect copyright.PENANA3RbD9FTCfy
389Please respect copyright.PENANA9V3DaEgM56
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。389Please respect copyright.PENANAQgu15ZbUFQ
389Please respect copyright.PENANAIlTA0AeEhN
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:389Please respect copyright.PENANAeXO3Ila68q
389Please respect copyright.PENANAuzQZEt85kD
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。389Please respect copyright.PENANAWyg6u53YQU
389Please respect copyright.PENANA7hEK6PUcuT
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。389Please respect copyright.PENANA5xMDVp8Ad1
389Please respect copyright.PENANA0wjIYTPMpw
那麼差不多是這樣。389Please respect copyright.PENANA0MKivNs27C
389Please respect copyright.PENANACdJ1cbc8VG
389Please respect copyright.PENANAwMoERS4eFU
389Please respect copyright.PENANAPJE7nI4XMX
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。389Please respect copyright.PENANAvPY7233Uqm
389Please respect copyright.PENANApQB7WHpxum
總之加油吧。
389Please respect copyright.PENANAznzsDrWybQ
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
389Please respect copyright.PENANAPQMV1yUo4i
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
389Please respect copyright.PENANAFkFmF5pS45
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
389Please respect copyright.PENANAkjY3TmUN6z
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
389Please respect copyright.PENANAJeDUayFKAU
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。389Please respect copyright.PENANA72CeNLOjud
389Please respect copyright.PENANAbjZk9958gl
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」389Please respect copyright.PENANAo62n7jFdni
389Please respect copyright.PENANAzdPF75HFfo
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。389Please respect copyright.PENANAARAHUaJhHC
389Please respect copyright.PENANAqLRT2zhLqc
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:389Please respect copyright.PENANACRSiV32YPt
389Please respect copyright.PENANASiPqjAKcSS
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」389Please respect copyright.PENANArWNtzu3ffo
389Please respect copyright.PENANASSANGzW1Tj
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
389Please respect copyright.PENANAdedVOKKXlY
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
389Please respect copyright.PENANAyxXOqZb3PX
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
389Please respect copyright.PENANA9ff47Fav1q
主角:俊明389Please respect copyright.PENANAnDnhq8MBpU
389Please respect copyright.PENANAnWGQAvGA0I
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)389Please respect copyright.PENANAbf8gfmOFqQ
389Please respect copyright.PENANAkZvhq7nkKK
389Please respect copyright.PENANAq4Ea542imd
主角現狀:遭人排擠389Please respect copyright.PENANAnvtUserar6
389Please respect copyright.PENANAWobMz6E8Jd
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
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有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。389Please respect copyright.PENANAwDN2ZmpddO
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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