幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
442Please respect copyright.PENANAkmjbs13Yqg
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
442Please respect copyright.PENANAUvVpOdv5ue
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
442Please respect copyright.PENANA1XQK4Rnguo
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
442Please respect copyright.PENANAt0A9z5qyIX
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
442Please respect copyright.PENANANNHdLLyY8G
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
442Please respect copyright.PENANATpA911XSeM
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
442Please respect copyright.PENANAvdJubqOa0F
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。442Please respect copyright.PENANAPOYiIz9G5p
442Please respect copyright.PENANAfwANXKKV3p
442Please respect copyright.PENANA8JGeyiadwY
442Please respect copyright.PENANAsx2sYAgs1w
世界觀:442Please respect copyright.PENANARxZHx4QgMi
442Please respect copyright.PENANA2UMvWjq7xH
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
442Please respect copyright.PENANA2eWw0DHTWa
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
442Please respect copyright.PENANArxUC1jOm7x
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
442Please respect copyright.PENANAEN0lbniaiZ
442Please respect copyright.PENANAL7JQTmeuOd
劇情細節的提醒:442Please respect copyright.PENANAG1Y97dwP22
442Please respect copyright.PENANAJUBzZkAK2Z
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:442Please respect copyright.PENANAiJHLWhZ6G0
442Please respect copyright.PENANA53kWSc1cPd
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。442Please respect copyright.PENANAwvPYW8oqFv
442Please respect copyright.PENANAhnHFYApOwC
參考網站:442Please respect copyright.PENANAI1Rru2f5sv
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html442Please respect copyright.PENANAS9jasc1a1b
442Please respect copyright.PENANAOOUwNuKPwz
442Please respect copyright.PENANA8daDXGCbQL
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。442Please respect copyright.PENANAW4E2ZcHROM
442Please respect copyright.PENANATn9KvlDsEC
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。442Please respect copyright.PENANAuefB7mYssm
442Please respect copyright.PENANA6PtlFhxOmC
442Please respect copyright.PENANA9hkOS8EcuC
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。442Please respect copyright.PENANAP76qbmGsV9
442Please respect copyright.PENANAmokmCJV1KK
442Please respect copyright.PENANAe3ckXRWQrn
角色:442Please respect copyright.PENANAW04WjWJTzd
442Please respect copyright.PENANAbsvPI4MbIc
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:442Please respect copyright.PENANA9IwbuA52nN
442Please respect copyright.PENANA2oW0jcsnnn
主角:俊明
442Please respect copyright.PENANAR6O0uQ9cms
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)442Please respect copyright.PENANAn0juBnONPc
442Please respect copyright.PENANAlK9stKKViB
主角現狀:遭人排擠
442Please respect copyright.PENANAKVvMKG1h25
奉翊:442Please respect copyright.PENANA4GfIayZMQ4
不擅長飛行。442Please respect copyright.PENANAT9pWRTYqOa
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。442Please respect copyright.PENANAx5ywYtzijB
442Please respect copyright.PENANANTmB5V0UJ4
442Please respect copyright.PENANAeDG45yp14w
442Please respect copyright.PENANA77acaCRKnY
對於角色整體的感想:442Please respect copyright.PENANA5PrgIC7x0i
442Please respect copyright.PENANApUyQr5SqBt
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。442Please respect copyright.PENANAhILThGvXbJ
442Please respect copyright.PENANADDMB5hI75O
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。442Please respect copyright.PENANA08R6A2BTxz
442Please respect copyright.PENANAmr64UZHn3S
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:442Please respect copyright.PENANAfPlFhmnwEu
442Please respect copyright.PENANAhedh6Ajria
原作:442Please respect copyright.PENANA9MGiHk6kp1
442Please respect copyright.PENANAYzCa00fTeo
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388442Please respect copyright.PENANAI7SB4UvykF
442Please respect copyright.PENANAPnSJsq2eRW
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)442Please respect copyright.PENANAE46ufkALQd
442Please respect copyright.PENANAmo3W7giCdL
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):442Please respect copyright.PENANA0k3QQIzhUa
442Please respect copyright.PENANAF6t8ZBNmoT
調整後:442Please respect copyright.PENANAkWRod2eq4V
442Please respect copyright.PENANAXbswktOh7e
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。442Please respect copyright.PENANAOtS8AE7CTx
442Please respect copyright.PENANAW0WiQCpNfH
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。442Please respect copyright.PENANAiQSmwB05yo
442Please respect copyright.PENANAOMuwb6OIJz
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。442Please respect copyright.PENANACYy8wTFSeC
442Please respect copyright.PENANA5cKiidfqwn
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」442Please respect copyright.PENANApqODMlXcZz
442Please respect copyright.PENANAJra7hclRwZ
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。442Please respect copyright.PENANA5f6kbQ3rbG
442Please respect copyright.PENANAuH89JuCBAg
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:442Please respect copyright.PENANAY5VwvRgbs9
442Please respect copyright.PENANAJkasjD32by
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」442Please respect copyright.PENANAfuyUVmst8Q
442Please respect copyright.PENANA4QAttzzbm4
查喀比茲?那是什麼?442Please respect copyright.PENANAmJKGbvgqiU
442Please respect copyright.PENANANpFwwQ9bxq
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:442Please respect copyright.PENANAJhCogg20if
442Please respect copyright.PENANAwvvqPoqQvZ
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」442Please respect copyright.PENANA72zq4Ixpqt
442Please respect copyright.PENANAvont0uFHDB
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。442Please respect copyright.PENANAHsZZNcKtfu
442Please respect copyright.PENANA8ku7YdalTv
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」442Please respect copyright.PENANAMQoP6Bi6T3
442Please respect copyright.PENANApOr39NmzDq
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。442Please respect copyright.PENANAJU7v42ZEj3
442Please respect copyright.PENANA7e9Xzii1lV
他進一步解釋道:442Please respect copyright.PENANAZywYULRPw7
442Please respect copyright.PENANALZ76JKYm7T
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」442Please respect copyright.PENANATDZsp55M8p
442Please respect copyright.PENANAlyovWfOXmC
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:442Please respect copyright.PENANAw2g1BPsDMX
442Please respect copyright.PENANAnkJUMQAwG8
「查詢,查喀比茲。」442Please respect copyright.PENANAi2pTV8Tc4y
442Please respect copyright.PENANA6aBqSZxu0u
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。442Please respect copyright.PENANASZzQcXGMvd
442Please respect copyright.PENANATnUH3cNOw7
「──查無此項結果。」442Please respect copyright.PENANAWDhBwzgiaW
442Please respect copyright.PENANAK0nyx8PN8E
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。442Please respect copyright.PENANAxMIIkc3Rr2
442Please respect copyright.PENANAEBa8lWOOMt
「啊啊!」442Please respect copyright.PENANAm1OTCerH41
442Please respect copyright.PENANAOiMucjP8ok
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。442Please respect copyright.PENANA2TGH1QBEER
442Please respect copyright.PENANA2bTxMpDAOx
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」442Please respect copyright.PENANAYpJkHOxr7t
442Please respect copyright.PENANAowJX73hUsT
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:442Please respect copyright.PENANAIT90BgknXV
442Please respect copyright.PENANAalkoVXVOQd
查喀比茲。442Please respect copyright.PENANA4HjM1PAzD8
442Please respect copyright.PENANAx6vnn3saRq
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。442Please respect copyright.PENANAOdd2yVAaD3
442Please respect copyright.PENANARqzDDh5sXy
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。442Please respect copyright.PENANA3bI96JvlW1
442Please respect copyright.PENANABBVSgdfdeu
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:442Please respect copyright.PENANASJrFWION0s
442Please respect copyright.PENANA5MjtWxparr
「你、你、你……該不會──」442Please respect copyright.PENANAWTLGt4CFYy
442Please respect copyright.PENANA3dW6NCCjiL
「沒錯,我就是──」442Please respect copyright.PENANAIE8Bsw6PHP
442Please respect copyright.PENANAji455C3RAx
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:442Please respect copyright.PENANAcCWEHrXyq0
442Please respect copyright.PENANAiony5koP66
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」442Please respect copyright.PENANACeQC8jgtiO
442Please respect copyright.PENANAvECkAkVx4u
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:442Please respect copyright.PENANAgc9RBrPq2Z
442Please respect copyright.PENANAd7gqfqxazB
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」442Please respect copyright.PENANACyUKQcPMCb
442Please respect copyright.PENANAwfcDCKNb2H
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。442Please respect copyright.PENANABNCmU3Nn2t
442Please respect copyright.PENANAYls63rhHdi
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:442Please respect copyright.PENANA08iZdZKNBl
442Please respect copyright.PENANA3lwxUApPSR
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」442Please respect copyright.PENANAqq363THJGi
442Please respect copyright.PENANALx8tLGt0hx
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。442Please respect copyright.PENANAQZSpsKRR2E
442Please respect copyright.PENANAdQQ2o1NyQP
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。442Please respect copyright.PENANAdj6GKvpEC6
442Please respect copyright.PENANAWi9rxBRJDn
主線劇情:442Please respect copyright.PENANApa1tcXjxnl
442Please respect copyright.PENANALiQYqSOFJS
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。442Please respect copyright.PENANAKTWCj3HVee
442Please respect copyright.PENANA6UDw1Chbwu
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。442Please respect copyright.PENANA4czxTgsCK5
442Please respect copyright.PENANAsMvNIlJguw
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。442Please respect copyright.PENANAl7gTTXVzxB
442Please respect copyright.PENANAmo76KAgMma
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:442Please respect copyright.PENANAOznc7V4OXr
442Please respect copyright.PENANAMeN8FnIFiC
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)442Please respect copyright.PENANAKIQ1VKAagE
442Please respect copyright.PENANAxVsGVE5qC5
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)442Please respect copyright.PENANAnjmnC0XkKu
442Please respect copyright.PENANAx8k0kK1xXn
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)442Please respect copyright.PENANA9v60hdT6y7
442Please respect copyright.PENANASaya4cIUOi
442Please respect copyright.PENANA1P4g3Gjb84
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。442Please respect copyright.PENANAg0jGEPVqkD
442Please respect copyright.PENANAfpO15TjBtl
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:442Please respect copyright.PENANAQ4BKjdXGmh
442Please respect copyright.PENANA3dgQoOollc
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。442Please respect copyright.PENANA5FRJLUpSo9
442Please respect copyright.PENANArK4dBGTR3w
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。442Please respect copyright.PENANAahGGsO8B6q
442Please respect copyright.PENANApjIJ2yR7cy
那麼差不多是這樣。442Please respect copyright.PENANAD13hkjR4gY
442Please respect copyright.PENANAbl9ovpPSpD
442Please respect copyright.PENANAdSuOQPK8hc
442Please respect copyright.PENANANEigFFhVaq
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。442Please respect copyright.PENANAG8hFQcpU7A
442Please respect copyright.PENANAwxUkZVuotQ
總之加油吧。
442Please respect copyright.PENANAiYqzLsn7qL
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
442Please respect copyright.PENANASJEuYB9gT1
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
442Please respect copyright.PENANAlYhEDmgb37
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
442Please respect copyright.PENANArbYdvhL6RB
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
442Please respect copyright.PENANAUcG16f7Le0
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。442Please respect copyright.PENANAsX7gzq3d9s
442Please respect copyright.PENANACRY6XO8mmU
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」442Please respect copyright.PENANAMX1n8CNuRd
442Please respect copyright.PENANAGE90VJUTuy
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。442Please respect copyright.PENANAk54baAo6yx
442Please respect copyright.PENANAPhmuQ66BZx
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:442Please respect copyright.PENANAVBmeWVhLq4
442Please respect copyright.PENANA17RG8V4Mvu
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」442Please respect copyright.PENANAVgGNshs2Ui
442Please respect copyright.PENANAtkiQJPO290
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
442Please respect copyright.PENANA6HsPXh0PCL
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
442Please respect copyright.PENANA9WRkcI1vq8
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
442Please respect copyright.PENANAl0Frz1erj9
主角:俊明442Please respect copyright.PENANAiN1eEQHFEq
442Please respect copyright.PENANAnmZld936nf
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)442Please respect copyright.PENANAUeWssGjJm7
442Please respect copyright.PENANAwnN5Vm40O6
442Please respect copyright.PENANA42741KAsHV
主角現狀:遭人排擠442Please respect copyright.PENANAfwmSg95v5R
442Please respect copyright.PENANAPjgsJr9qvu
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
442Please respect copyright.PENANAJoxo4ivSJi
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。442Please respect copyright.PENANA7uYRM9yT34
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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