"Nothing heals heartbreak like screaming Olivia Rodrigo at full volume."
From: [email protected]47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgTDgS1DH5o
To: [email protected]47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgwgdypiW6C
Subject: pettiest playlist of the year goes to… me
eli.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbqhOx4z0KI
i made a playlist titled “for when your groupmate uses comic sans and your faith in humanity breaks.”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ovhZSQRdI
i’m currently scream-singing to track 4 while eating cereal with a fork because all my spoons are in the sink.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN6WEeECsA7
it’s a mood.
– maya47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm185nwhgR0
sad. dramatic. cereal-forking.
From: [email protected]47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB1cbliSnn1
To: [email protected]47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc0PNNRydev
Subject: cereal fork is a vibe
maya.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡER9vOEKBYk
track 4 better be “good 4 u” or i’m calling the authorities.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXH8uOgmqaI
also, the fork thing is valid. i once drank iced coffee with a knife. no regrets.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4C7GQTvJB9
send me the playlist. for... peer review.
– eli47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuvjx60uuGA
music snob, chaos enabler
From: [email protected]47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeum1WTq3Ax
To: [email protected]47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡueKevhtFVL
Subject: attached: rage therapy 💕
okay you asked for it.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9tRa91Akb3
enjoy: [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4mtUmL00VaYfC0gkEH0Odt?si=uPQWcd-5RuGOfoOppIcfQg] “dear god why do men” — a playlist in five stages of grief, three accidental crushes, and one cup of weaponized spite.
tracklist highlights:
misery business – paramore
better than revenge – taylor swift
good 4 u – olivia rodrigo
brutal – also olivia, my queen
should’ve said no – taylor again, obviously
kill bill – sza (i don’t condone murder, but i vibe)
– maya47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmRLvkYmG9Z
the most dramatic person you never met
From: [email protected]47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡht0QTUPtyC
To: [email protected]47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5JXiqcwVSW
Subject: playlist review: violently iconic
maya.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyi9kJClsU0
i have goosebumps.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEkk9FkxpuG
i want to fight someone. i don’t even know who. but i’m hyped.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvQVbRhM1Sf
“kill bill” came on and i almost texted my ex “good luck.”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy01E4qGBYb
i didn’t. but spiritually, i did.
also: “dear god why do men” deserves a grammy for best emotional support.
– eli47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnbct32qrb2
threatened. inspired.
From: [email protected]47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo8a9usMf9h
To: [email protected]47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLBw8cuCB1j
Subject: so we’re rage soulmates now?
eli,47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1gWAtYb6b
you passed the vibe check.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHGzOikmrB0
you didn’t question my musical angst or my cereal fork.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWuLrAcRO3v
this feels like the start of something irrationally comforting.
ps: have you ever cried to phoebe bridgers in a parking lot or is that just me?
– maya47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEISIjtwUZy
emotionally stable adjacent
From: [email protected]47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD0X4jwKvF9
To: [email protected]47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRtBinInjNh
Subject: phoebe bridgers made me cry at the DMV
maya.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡztFmzXV4d9
“motion sickness” came on. i was holding a ticket that said A132.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq9N84gNIz2
i did cry.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXIr5uZG9Gj
the security guard offered me a tissue and a mint.
so yes. we’re bonded now.
– eli47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ406sTHGGtZ
co-president, feelings club
From: [email protected]47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsX0bBxKqhg
To: [email protected]47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5o8WdnkwN
Subject: certified mood
i would like to formally nominate you as:
my email pen pal
my official heartbreak soundtrack consultant
and co-author of “texts we never sent but emotionally screamed”
it’s a growing resume. benefits include emotional chaos and unsolicited memes.
– maya47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnPMMFsUnY4
possibly your new internet pen friend
From: [email protected]47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5nw509kdTg
To: [email protected]47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw0VT4nlsCj
Subject: i accept the role
with great inbox comes great responsibility.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCVBmQBANmj
you send the songs, i’ll send the sarcasm.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvmCuKiG52A
together we’re like...47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5L64macA9p
the emotional avengers.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJbCpDDCoZj
no capes though. just playlists.
– eli47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEnKQTvi7rI
ready to rage, reply, repeat
Attachment: Liner Notes from Eli Martin47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyePpGIkmdS
🎧 “dear god why do men” – Reviewed
📝 liner notes by eli, who has clearly felt too much and judged too many fonts
Track 1: Misery Business – Paramore47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC6a80ODMjH
this track made me want to break up with someone i’m not dating.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1d3nHQXa0C
⭐ rage level: 9.5/10
Track 2: Better Than Revenge – Taylor Swift47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCkN1QGvwE5
may have shouted “she’s not a saint!” at a squirrel.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgzFqc3lXKX
⭐ sass factor: 11/10
Track 3: good 4 u – Olivia Rodrigo47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTI2fvac4KI
screamed into a spoon. felt better.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE3JB6aGJTE
⭐ catharsis: 10/10
Track 4: brutal – Olivia Rodrigo47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmoyhNvQN3l
i knocked over a lamp. worth it.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzVQ8AMGkUf
⭐ chaos energy: unmeasurable
Track 5: should’ve said no – Taylor Swift47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5GdS7zIYz0
the rain cried for me.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO32Kvkj52m
⭐ drama: peak
Track 6: Kill Bill – SZA47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYoled2ctRz
i do not condone murder. but i understand.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwOpz7PpNcU
⭐ emotional weaponry: activated
Final thoughts:47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡczH6fkeie9
this playlist isn't therapy. it's exorcism.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBVwuz6yIdh
i feel seen, personally attacked, and spiritually lighter.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3UUsGhBQOM
maya, if you ever make another one — please consider me your chaos consultant.
– eli47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSmTzF8iJvF
officially unwell in a poetic way
