現行大學教育體制下的犧牲品,完畢。
接著說故事。讓我為剛才冗長、不簡略、沒有重點、根本騙字數的自我介紹道歉,這裡我一言以蔽之。
一個小白臉靠老婆過活的日子,以上。
當然有人想問:「這有什麼好說的?」
我會這樣回答:「這小白臉很出名。」
他叫,諸葛亮孔明。
故事的開始有點模糊,因為我記得我人在宿舍,剛吃完一塊雞排、用可樂漱口,沒有刷牙就倒在床上睡著。附帶一提,時間是星期三早上八點,一整天的課大概都得翹掉。133Please respect copyright.PENANA7WCKNjoQOK
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不過那已經不重要了。133Please respect copyright.PENANAZQiYWJsTUN
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因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。133Please respect copyright.PENANAwkfSizFONI
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那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。133Please respect copyright.PENANAfNO3AhI8q5
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風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。133Please respect copyright.PENANATKAwLc4Sxy
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風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。133Please respect copyright.PENANAH5yoCcU2ga
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那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。133Please respect copyright.PENANAxhMm3FY4bg
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我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。133Please respect copyright.PENANAtto5q9sMiW
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似男類女,撲朔迷離。133Please respect copyright.PENANAaLVqH2sVUv
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我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。133Please respect copyright.PENANAJ6i9CCJ9xa
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甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。133Please respect copyright.PENANAAxw0U8qB1a
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那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAQ8T0Bi0x3R
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我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。133Please respect copyright.PENANAHosz9dZD7u
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我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。133Please respect copyright.PENANALZD50EhW6c
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他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAXbg6nKaSd1
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我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。133Please respect copyright.PENANA46UhWf2ADs
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甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。133Please respect copyright.PENANA73wY3GZXH5
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人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。133Please respect copyright.PENANAdyiYBStmpB
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這時我只想笑。133Please respect copyright.PENANAnMo5p1ijDM
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我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAOYKKnC1Gke
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那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAvNweUIS6xL
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我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」133Please respect copyright.PENANALKFBpyXaXZ
133Please respect copyright.PENANASxztZiu580
諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」133Please respect copyright.PENANA0vUeEYS4qN
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我走下床、打開門、走出去……133Please respect copyright.PENANA1GJiO9xidq
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停住。133Please respect copyright.PENANARdgGPhVZuv
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如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。133Please respect copyright.PENANA9EUKE0SWlq
133Please respect copyright.PENANAw4Gx7AuDwz
刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。133Please respect copyright.PENANAfkcKC40dux
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我面無表情關上門,回頭。133Please respect copyright.PENANAh79hFikEfP
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諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAAQQ273MOVy
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諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」133Please respect copyright.PENANABvzmTCvsGx
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文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。133Please respect copyright.PENANAfRJPY8bpbU
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太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。133Please respect copyright.PENANADxzQkvIFak
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但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。133Please respect copyright.PENANAgOANSMtcCc
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諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」133Please respect copyright.PENANA0fSvvMnjMo
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我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。133Please respect copyright.PENANAgddoTLUvOl
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竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。133Please respect copyright.PENANAYfg9zVXV4Z
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怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。133Please respect copyright.PENANAYIKVdFB4bk
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萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。133Please respect copyright.PENANAyjMPeLuBGc
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然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。133Please respect copyright.PENANAQfSjiOLdPR
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痛死我,不信也得信了。133Please respect copyright.PENANAmUy5NLC38I
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「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAVwNoAkj0Hb
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我:「這是什麼情況?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAZPuXNLdypt
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這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?133Please respect copyright.PENANAgihuXlop09
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我絕對沒有打錯字。133Please respect copyright.PENANAV6PCvpftyn
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諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAKUhgYqE4Ey
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我:「代替?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAffwZ7qZkw7
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諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAMzaaAPVdL6
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我:「為什麼?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAZVu0xMMqKU
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諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAdUjDrxIZki
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我:「那不要說好了。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAgtevozUY8U
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諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAomQf16eLKt
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「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?133Please respect copyright.PENANASlc9YkyE5i
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諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAuJe1uwNOp5
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也差不多意思。133Please respect copyright.PENANABzUa7rFWGY
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諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」133Please respect copyright.PENANASalmoox41t
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真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。133Please respect copyright.PENANAcWxv2auCFo
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諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAUIGPtKE55R
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好個有商業頭腦的老頭。133Please respect copyright.PENANA3AVwgrsxv5
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我:「這算什麼錯?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAISlIfLYGKb
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諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAkRO2yDA4Sr
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我:「這樣很好啊。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAmtmDqSnJ0L
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諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAJbZyEmlK0y
133Please respect copyright.PENANACPwkIqPJHZ
……133Please respect copyright.PENANAfvZJfFLZ5T
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諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAC1QK4vlLsr
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你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!133Please respect copyright.PENANAnJiPFDJjTM
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諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAjpP71VtSep
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我:「什麼?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAjUr85cwJ7x
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諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」133Please respect copyright.PENANAhq2zRaEUF5
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是報應沒有錯啊。133Please respect copyright.PENANAireGEslYRq
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不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?133Please respect copyright.PENANAC4X1k6GyxS
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重點是。133Please respect copyright.PENANAjSnwePT5np
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怪我嘍?133Please respect copyright.PENANA6BltbiZymJ
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我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」133Please respect copyright.PENANABRpXKTrr6i
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諸葛亮:「抱歉。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAjmkM6Pz567
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我:「不接受行不行?」133Please respect copyright.PENANA5maCfeMCDF
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諸葛亮:「對不起。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAWEYV9f7ZOX
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……133Please respect copyright.PENANAA2bTeG3mDA
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諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAX0LWImpSpI
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那我大概有三次被抓的機會。133Please respect copyright.PENANArgaSLh56ms
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「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAXJLIhcypEy
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去你妹的。133Please respect copyright.PENANAkNjdizjaFI
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我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAZxiD9eToGc
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那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。133Please respect copyright.PENANA8sOnPxebot
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不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。133Please respect copyright.PENANA5Dx8ShDJEw
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但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAH712LlBCUq
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他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。133Please respect copyright.PENANAlsv0m3adcy
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我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。133Please respect copyright.PENANABMMoZBuvHS
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鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。133Please respect copyright.PENANACR2CMfHSkV
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諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAvXtgbiiAZz
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我無話可說。133Please respect copyright.PENANAuKkni7xime
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諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAjzWncwfPvT
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我真的無話可說。133Please respect copyright.PENANA0gGiknBWkF
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諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAHyx5iVkjWh
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我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAAFQSfo8pxN
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諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAD6fiZSJaF9
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我剛才已經問了!133Please respect copyright.PENANARHx7phqvkc
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他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?133Please respect copyright.PENANAOen0lIdqpy
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我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAP5GeVtJzuH
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「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAyZWP8nuXeF
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我:「放心?」133Please respect copyright.PENANA4wG6NOqcac
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諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAKTHL4AeNEu
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我喉頭一澀。133Please respect copyright.PENANAxPfczClC69
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根本笑不出來。133Please respect copyright.PENANAtwaNUCPRol
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但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAglNHFXTZZK
133Please respect copyright.PENANAp1bq8sUeyV
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。133Please respect copyright.PENANAoOmlwiEgMo
133Please respect copyright.PENANAh8qs3VsqGs
「歷史是會騙人的。」133Please respect copyright.PENANA63kY43Ln0F
133Please respect copyright.PENANAejyhWzFF5y
我的視界陷入混沌當中。
ns216.73.216.82da2 133Please respect copyright.PENANAhcrasJwsiM
不過那已經不重要了。133Please respect copyright.PENANAZQiYWJsTUN
133Please respect copyright.PENANAj9I1aK3vOI
因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。133Please respect copyright.PENANAwkfSizFONI
133Please respect copyright.PENANAEKyFGm2R7y
那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。133Please respect copyright.PENANAfNO3AhI8q5
133Please respect copyright.PENANAlehqVEXO35
風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。133Please respect copyright.PENANATKAwLc4Sxy
133Please respect copyright.PENANAjY1ENIee6A
風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。133Please respect copyright.PENANAH5yoCcU2ga
133Please respect copyright.PENANAzfHTYAjgQH
那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。133Please respect copyright.PENANAxhMm3FY4bg
133Please respect copyright.PENANA1EPuA11Sgv
我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。133Please respect copyright.PENANAtto5q9sMiW
133Please respect copyright.PENANAK8Hi3mA1q5
似男類女,撲朔迷離。133Please respect copyright.PENANAaLVqH2sVUv
133Please respect copyright.PENANAhWyUFriBGx
我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。133Please respect copyright.PENANAJ6i9CCJ9xa
133Please respect copyright.PENANAJ9MYFjNc92
甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。133Please respect copyright.PENANAAxw0U8qB1a
133Please respect copyright.PENANA2iCj0Lujhg
那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAQ8T0Bi0x3R
133Please respect copyright.PENANA0VJePc7yT9
我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。133Please respect copyright.PENANAHosz9dZD7u
133Please respect copyright.PENANATgpeRoNvhA
我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。133Please respect copyright.PENANALZD50EhW6c
133Please respect copyright.PENANAfVQ2QWZpgU
他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAXbg6nKaSd1
133Please respect copyright.PENANAVNK2y7h2n7
我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。133Please respect copyright.PENANA46UhWf2ADs
133Please respect copyright.PENANA1hig5eYH4Y
甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。133Please respect copyright.PENANA73wY3GZXH5
133Please respect copyright.PENANAG4PgVcaa0G
人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。133Please respect copyright.PENANAdyiYBStmpB
133Please respect copyright.PENANA1PrGCWaQIR
這時我只想笑。133Please respect copyright.PENANAnMo5p1ijDM
133Please respect copyright.PENANAzG12qya3Mv
我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAOYKKnC1Gke
133Please respect copyright.PENANAhgqvydnEhR
那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAvNweUIS6xL
133Please respect copyright.PENANA9QufMFNALg
我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」133Please respect copyright.PENANALKFBpyXaXZ
133Please respect copyright.PENANASxztZiu580
諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」133Please respect copyright.PENANA0vUeEYS4qN
133Please respect copyright.PENANAo3o9KjaawT
我走下床、打開門、走出去……133Please respect copyright.PENANA1GJiO9xidq
133Please respect copyright.PENANA5dcLXzmW2v
停住。133Please respect copyright.PENANARdgGPhVZuv
133Please respect copyright.PENANASnnzXcFUDT
如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。133Please respect copyright.PENANA9EUKE0SWlq
133Please respect copyright.PENANAw4Gx7AuDwz
刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。133Please respect copyright.PENANAfkcKC40dux
133Please respect copyright.PENANAzKY4gnmzCe
我面無表情關上門,回頭。133Please respect copyright.PENANAh79hFikEfP
133Please respect copyright.PENANAtgtczcbICZ
諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAAQQ273MOVy
133Please respect copyright.PENANAfTrF6wDJJ3
諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」133Please respect copyright.PENANABvzmTCvsGx
133Please respect copyright.PENANA0X9MoR598n
文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。133Please respect copyright.PENANAfRJPY8bpbU
133Please respect copyright.PENANAz8c2aFoOjL
太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。133Please respect copyright.PENANADxzQkvIFak
133Please respect copyright.PENANAqRrGFzrRGm
但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。133Please respect copyright.PENANAgOANSMtcCc
133Please respect copyright.PENANAxB71WxIsEQ
諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」133Please respect copyright.PENANA0fSvvMnjMo
133Please respect copyright.PENANAXhuQ585oTB
我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。133Please respect copyright.PENANAgddoTLUvOl
133Please respect copyright.PENANADypVX2YuCU
竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。133Please respect copyright.PENANAYfg9zVXV4Z
133Please respect copyright.PENANA2fISI2g0Uk
怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。133Please respect copyright.PENANAYIKVdFB4bk
133Please respect copyright.PENANA4ZFDoYit4U
萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。133Please respect copyright.PENANAyjMPeLuBGc
133Please respect copyright.PENANAuU6RnNLF0v
然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。133Please respect copyright.PENANAQfSjiOLdPR
133Please respect copyright.PENANA8V4XTRqQfW
痛死我,不信也得信了。133Please respect copyright.PENANAmUy5NLC38I
133Please respect copyright.PENANAqkrqnbD0Ln
「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAVwNoAkj0Hb
133Please respect copyright.PENANAubrf9MpQOZ
我:「這是什麼情況?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAZPuXNLdypt
133Please respect copyright.PENANAyPihL0m9K4
這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?133Please respect copyright.PENANAgihuXlop09
133Please respect copyright.PENANAdOsoCdEhcE
我絕對沒有打錯字。133Please respect copyright.PENANAV6PCvpftyn
133Please respect copyright.PENANAWogf8cQcqL
諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAKUhgYqE4Ey
133Please respect copyright.PENANAp2eLe7v73N
我:「代替?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAffwZ7qZkw7
133Please respect copyright.PENANAiMg2saASSZ
諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAMzaaAPVdL6
133Please respect copyright.PENANATP9qthtsFP
我:「為什麼?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAZVu0xMMqKU
133Please respect copyright.PENANAfaYrci1FCM
諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAdUjDrxIZki
133Please respect copyright.PENANApDTwAOcnFH
我:「那不要說好了。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAgtevozUY8U
133Please respect copyright.PENANAG43CnNjE2E
諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAomQf16eLKt
133Please respect copyright.PENANAmxfDFtg3pu
「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?133Please respect copyright.PENANASlc9YkyE5i
133Please respect copyright.PENANAlONYUi61Mf
諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAuJe1uwNOp5
133Please respect copyright.PENANAW9VvbyZr4v
也差不多意思。133Please respect copyright.PENANABzUa7rFWGY
133Please respect copyright.PENANAhjtsiOQW1z
諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」133Please respect copyright.PENANASalmoox41t
133Please respect copyright.PENANAuOc7vvyTkJ
真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。133Please respect copyright.PENANAcWxv2auCFo
133Please respect copyright.PENANAAYV8be1CSq
諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAUIGPtKE55R
133Please respect copyright.PENANAmAzQGHc4gW
好個有商業頭腦的老頭。133Please respect copyright.PENANA3AVwgrsxv5
133Please respect copyright.PENANAaT1irf0dmF
我:「這算什麼錯?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAISlIfLYGKb
133Please respect copyright.PENANAUtMtk4dZHX
諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAkRO2yDA4Sr
133Please respect copyright.PENANAdmjBbUKVXa
我:「這樣很好啊。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAmtmDqSnJ0L
133Please respect copyright.PENANAWY5ty0MDIa
諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAJbZyEmlK0y
133Please respect copyright.PENANACPwkIqPJHZ
……133Please respect copyright.PENANAfvZJfFLZ5T
133Please respect copyright.PENANAVYwHmldeQj
諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAC1QK4vlLsr
133Please respect copyright.PENANA8xGVhp3TlB
你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!133Please respect copyright.PENANAnJiPFDJjTM
133Please respect copyright.PENANAVZmrXFtSo1
諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAjpP71VtSep
133Please respect copyright.PENANAmvVZppUwmw
我:「什麼?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAjUr85cwJ7x
133Please respect copyright.PENANAJaxXQbD42K
諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」133Please respect copyright.PENANAhq2zRaEUF5
133Please respect copyright.PENANAJOD1rQVL9x
是報應沒有錯啊。133Please respect copyright.PENANAireGEslYRq
133Please respect copyright.PENANAtZ4EbyZEAv
不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?133Please respect copyright.PENANAC4X1k6GyxS
133Please respect copyright.PENANAS7gZrRXUuH
重點是。133Please respect copyright.PENANAjSnwePT5np
133Please respect copyright.PENANAGntWVcXiat
怪我嘍?133Please respect copyright.PENANA6BltbiZymJ
133Please respect copyright.PENANAUO9D29y4Wa
我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」133Please respect copyright.PENANABRpXKTrr6i
133Please respect copyright.PENANA6Z0nCOk6fj
諸葛亮:「抱歉。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAjmkM6Pz567
133Please respect copyright.PENANAfRKeyc8YDZ
我:「不接受行不行?」133Please respect copyright.PENANA5maCfeMCDF
133Please respect copyright.PENANAWFfjmv18fT
諸葛亮:「對不起。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAWEYV9f7ZOX
133Please respect copyright.PENANAJKByYBPdBF
……133Please respect copyright.PENANAA2bTeG3mDA
133Please respect copyright.PENANAzztKhuzPsu
諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAX0LWImpSpI
133Please respect copyright.PENANAbnGVnKyFbJ
那我大概有三次被抓的機會。133Please respect copyright.PENANArgaSLh56ms
133Please respect copyright.PENANAlgRV8ny0F3
「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAXJLIhcypEy
133Please respect copyright.PENANAfLKOzf4NKM
去你妹的。133Please respect copyright.PENANAkNjdizjaFI
133Please respect copyright.PENANAEeuzYmK323
我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAZxiD9eToGc
133Please respect copyright.PENANAYCVPCFfkc8
那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。133Please respect copyright.PENANA8sOnPxebot
133Please respect copyright.PENANA4vcNFZ2FJL
不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。133Please respect copyright.PENANA5Dx8ShDJEw
133Please respect copyright.PENANATlu1IpI7VK
但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAH712LlBCUq
133Please respect copyright.PENANA6zeV4Y1L9L
他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。133Please respect copyright.PENANAlsv0m3adcy
133Please respect copyright.PENANAuMTlHkeiIF
我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。133Please respect copyright.PENANABMMoZBuvHS
133Please respect copyright.PENANAVMwvnFiqRD
鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。133Please respect copyright.PENANACR2CMfHSkV
133Please respect copyright.PENANAcU1H2xWD9e
諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAvXtgbiiAZz
133Please respect copyright.PENANAwf1eP0tKTr
我無話可說。133Please respect copyright.PENANAuKkni7xime
133Please respect copyright.PENANAYY9pU2RP2G
諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAjzWncwfPvT
133Please respect copyright.PENANAtlgmISrLPP
我真的無話可說。133Please respect copyright.PENANA0gGiknBWkF
133Please respect copyright.PENANADgqzOvPaOp
諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAHyx5iVkjWh
133Please respect copyright.PENANA3kbgd7UmU3
我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAAFQSfo8pxN
133Please respect copyright.PENANAJcqTQyTs3S
諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAD6fiZSJaF9
133Please respect copyright.PENANAimWB6ljNjH
我剛才已經問了!133Please respect copyright.PENANARHx7phqvkc
133Please respect copyright.PENANAD8dFQ98lgf
他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?133Please respect copyright.PENANAOen0lIdqpy
133Please respect copyright.PENANAcPP4UvEHcd
我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」133Please respect copyright.PENANAP5GeVtJzuH
133Please respect copyright.PENANAS4vu7g9Cys
「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAyZWP8nuXeF
133Please respect copyright.PENANAN5kGW01hob
我:「放心?」133Please respect copyright.PENANA4wG6NOqcac
133Please respect copyright.PENANAEzgMyPSJ8j
諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAKTHL4AeNEu
133Please respect copyright.PENANAA8dxgDF4V4
我喉頭一澀。133Please respect copyright.PENANAxPfczClC69
133Please respect copyright.PENANA5nK2Db8eXM
根本笑不出來。133Please respect copyright.PENANAtwaNUCPRol
133Please respect copyright.PENANAtMWxptBgtx
但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」133Please respect copyright.PENANAglNHFXTZZK
133Please respect copyright.PENANAp1bq8sUeyV
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。133Please respect copyright.PENANAoOmlwiEgMo
133Please respect copyright.PENANAh8qs3VsqGs
「歷史是會騙人的。」133Please respect copyright.PENANA63kY43Ln0F
133Please respect copyright.PENANAejyhWzFF5y
我的視界陷入混沌當中。