現行大學教育體制下的犧牲品,完畢。
接著說故事。讓我為剛才冗長、不簡略、沒有重點、根本騙字數的自我介紹道歉,這裡我一言以蔽之。
一個小白臉靠老婆過活的日子,以上。
當然有人想問:「這有什麼好說的?」
我會這樣回答:「這小白臉很出名。」
他叫,諸葛亮孔明。
故事的開始有點模糊,因為我記得我人在宿舍,剛吃完一塊雞排、用可樂漱口,沒有刷牙就倒在床上睡著。附帶一提,時間是星期三早上八點,一整天的課大概都得翹掉。119Please respect copyright.PENANABtAsHFO53N
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不過那已經不重要了。119Please respect copyright.PENANAikekGVd1sM
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因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。119Please respect copyright.PENANAr6qANycdJn
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那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。119Please respect copyright.PENANApuO9pgieS9
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風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。119Please respect copyright.PENANA0lmQABnYHP
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風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。119Please respect copyright.PENANAe4mDISmn0J
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那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。119Please respect copyright.PENANAzOV6xeRXdh
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我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。119Please respect copyright.PENANATt39Mjge9t
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似男類女,撲朔迷離。119Please respect copyright.PENANAvTPtdUbsWm
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我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。119Please respect copyright.PENANAjgDKkrDeLM
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甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。119Please respect copyright.PENANAjIqnQcLJxH
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那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」119Please respect copyright.PENANABCbjaWs4tJ
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我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。119Please respect copyright.PENANAUOFgaNNoMb
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我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。119Please respect copyright.PENANAVpOjwO2fML
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他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAnDo1q2a7aB
119Please respect copyright.PENANAmG0I9nw6pq
我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。119Please respect copyright.PENANAgkqQYez2zp
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甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。119Please respect copyright.PENANAXEakQHJBJ4
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人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。119Please respect copyright.PENANADsmoq98vxc
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這時我只想笑。119Please respect copyright.PENANAi9lxQqvL1j
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我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAhPZR6K7rI7
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那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAuADGbhUq79
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我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAiS3ckPEG2O
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諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」119Please respect copyright.PENANARUYU7IfSMl
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我走下床、打開門、走出去……119Please respect copyright.PENANA8vGThuxY5a
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停住。119Please respect copyright.PENANAJdDM4OzKnW
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如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。119Please respect copyright.PENANAqgj11yN1J0
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刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。119Please respect copyright.PENANABBfere3Twb
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我面無表情關上門,回頭。119Please respect copyright.PENANAWyP2CWYdCo
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諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAHyVbXYvp52
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諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAe7YqGUZQM7
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文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。119Please respect copyright.PENANAEeRPtvK7Iq
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太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。119Please respect copyright.PENANAcxnPWqPlaw
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但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。119Please respect copyright.PENANAQJqb3H2j5Z
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諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAN4bJrDZWGt
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我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。119Please respect copyright.PENANATYRSflW0ue
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竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。119Please respect copyright.PENANAv0JzHu1cV5
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怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。119Please respect copyright.PENANAnN3Jk74Jhq
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萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。119Please respect copyright.PENANAYkGduvzM2m
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然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。119Please respect copyright.PENANAzR7k7txHuX
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痛死我,不信也得信了。119Please respect copyright.PENANAUTpQb6pkFt
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「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAfeiEPx194l
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我:「這是什麼情況?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAteSB0vgPqC
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這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?119Please respect copyright.PENANAaCz1CjY5bv
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我絕對沒有打錯字。119Please respect copyright.PENANA81hkn0XHMK
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諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAVx1v9ZmukB
119Please respect copyright.PENANAH8h437GLAC
我:「代替?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAK4VIbJitdU
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諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAPd34ma5dhi
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我:「為什麼?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAiqNhV27SgP
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諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAhxCgWbcj3l
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我:「那不要說好了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAPyl6PuNoH4
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諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA4vzJkD2uyF
119Please respect copyright.PENANAehjDRNydAT
「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?119Please respect copyright.PENANAvxUBNphYHb
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諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」119Please respect copyright.PENANADReMoA3zhC
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也差不多意思。119Please respect copyright.PENANAras6CKBWRs
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諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」119Please respect copyright.PENANALaTY79OCgb
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真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。119Please respect copyright.PENANAtChKXLYgX3
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諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAMO0aasDmPU
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好個有商業頭腦的老頭。119Please respect copyright.PENANA9aTfHIoCCS
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我:「這算什麼錯?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAcS2cmEV9bB
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諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAkjRApcbG3N
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我:「這樣很好啊。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAd6xvs5bdjF
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諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAY8sDF4436C
119Please respect copyright.PENANAwLlgvfG0f1
……119Please respect copyright.PENANAhqORWbg4mz
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諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAywNKx9D5oN
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你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!119Please respect copyright.PENANAS21lXkaWB3
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諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」119Please respect copyright.PENANARb7yXBFGiF
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我:「什麼?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAht5VmDZdBK
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諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」119Please respect copyright.PENANAB7N0Lwfwuw
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是報應沒有錯啊。119Please respect copyright.PENANALuZLNMfk3A
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不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?119Please respect copyright.PENANA4QZoWEyqWt
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重點是。119Please respect copyright.PENANA7xair1DRVt
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怪我嘍?119Please respect copyright.PENANAEIm4gdM0EG
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我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAag1TG12tsZ
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諸葛亮:「抱歉。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAlDwBKWIvzl
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我:「不接受行不行?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA9BsPAHa6bJ
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諸葛亮:「對不起。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAFCsWDXqmkY
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……119Please respect copyright.PENANAs1NN3mhhJ3
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諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA64wHD1TqKp
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那我大概有三次被抓的機會。119Please respect copyright.PENANAsqJueTFCzN
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「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAIBNihtLhrR
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去你妹的。119Please respect copyright.PENANAutz1lgup0c
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我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAaTnWVIt48n
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那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。119Please respect copyright.PENANAyLVSjyJ6zB
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不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。119Please respect copyright.PENANA31cj9A9YVE
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但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAcdKeiDgv6o
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他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。119Please respect copyright.PENANAFZs2ioRjiC
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我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。119Please respect copyright.PENANAOC0Zm4qO4G
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鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。119Please respect copyright.PENANAu6pJcURvZk
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諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAMFK9lNNUui
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我無話可說。119Please respect copyright.PENANA6Vr8raGryi
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諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANArgHONJG3X0
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我真的無話可說。119Please respect copyright.PENANAabyAhs2sGz
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諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA57SEUuQPmw
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我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA2s5S1LaHr2
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諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA56UwAcmVTO
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我剛才已經問了!119Please respect copyright.PENANAMP3180uc20
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他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?119Please respect copyright.PENANArdzw5DwhRI
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我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAiZw2Hhex84
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「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」119Please respect copyright.PENANASswN2X8fQc
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我:「放心?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAVrKPjuY5Jq
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諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAH6dDKvyhf2
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我喉頭一澀。119Please respect copyright.PENANAIYJTeDGJ7H
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根本笑不出來。119Please respect copyright.PENANA249ZEWFRmR
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但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAl82p8pi5Aj
119Please respect copyright.PENANAJLVK09QcOv
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。119Please respect copyright.PENANAGhL1AYOwBR
119Please respect copyright.PENANADlondR5mpD
「歷史是會騙人的。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAubH1xxvdDL
119Please respect copyright.PENANAaAN3CVWu20
我的視界陷入混沌當中。
ns216.73.216.146da2 119Please respect copyright.PENANAaG3On2K2hx
不過那已經不重要了。119Please respect copyright.PENANAikekGVd1sM
119Please respect copyright.PENANAcRRols3eKa
因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。119Please respect copyright.PENANAr6qANycdJn
119Please respect copyright.PENANAmUw4QHeXgB
那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。119Please respect copyright.PENANApuO9pgieS9
119Please respect copyright.PENANAppnGYmLpq5
風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。119Please respect copyright.PENANA0lmQABnYHP
119Please respect copyright.PENANA6eUuXRIE3j
風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。119Please respect copyright.PENANAe4mDISmn0J
119Please respect copyright.PENANAox5s6eNrHk
那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。119Please respect copyright.PENANAzOV6xeRXdh
119Please respect copyright.PENANAkpertg5296
我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。119Please respect copyright.PENANATt39Mjge9t
119Please respect copyright.PENANAJTg79HDfmV
似男類女,撲朔迷離。119Please respect copyright.PENANAvTPtdUbsWm
119Please respect copyright.PENANA5mqvX1o6qc
我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。119Please respect copyright.PENANAjgDKkrDeLM
119Please respect copyright.PENANAGZxhUD3nLW
甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。119Please respect copyright.PENANAjIqnQcLJxH
119Please respect copyright.PENANAbHWGJSrP8E
那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」119Please respect copyright.PENANABCbjaWs4tJ
119Please respect copyright.PENANAgs8legzAPe
我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。119Please respect copyright.PENANAUOFgaNNoMb
119Please respect copyright.PENANAJDWr1rBLdW
我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。119Please respect copyright.PENANAVpOjwO2fML
119Please respect copyright.PENANAe5oQYJWUV4
他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAnDo1q2a7aB
119Please respect copyright.PENANAmG0I9nw6pq
我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。119Please respect copyright.PENANAgkqQYez2zp
119Please respect copyright.PENANA8dLZFHslZe
甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。119Please respect copyright.PENANAXEakQHJBJ4
119Please respect copyright.PENANAg6bYzDliGb
人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。119Please respect copyright.PENANADsmoq98vxc
119Please respect copyright.PENANATi1V50bumw
這時我只想笑。119Please respect copyright.PENANAi9lxQqvL1j
119Please respect copyright.PENANA9ep9nO7V3K
我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAhPZR6K7rI7
119Please respect copyright.PENANAubXxGovfSm
那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAuADGbhUq79
119Please respect copyright.PENANAA0BsLZVHLz
我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAiS3ckPEG2O
119Please respect copyright.PENANAgQNxXYPeVi
諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」119Please respect copyright.PENANARUYU7IfSMl
119Please respect copyright.PENANAKj6GEQXRxr
我走下床、打開門、走出去……119Please respect copyright.PENANA8vGThuxY5a
119Please respect copyright.PENANAyN86DTsFNE
停住。119Please respect copyright.PENANAJdDM4OzKnW
119Please respect copyright.PENANAbeliNVOhVZ
如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。119Please respect copyright.PENANAqgj11yN1J0
119Please respect copyright.PENANAMfAFKRMRI3
刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。119Please respect copyright.PENANABBfere3Twb
119Please respect copyright.PENANASEl33bTPSn
我面無表情關上門,回頭。119Please respect copyright.PENANAWyP2CWYdCo
119Please respect copyright.PENANA8TjEOfBzZT
諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAHyVbXYvp52
119Please respect copyright.PENANA7eblw0pOSL
諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAe7YqGUZQM7
119Please respect copyright.PENANAXRwvmV6xAH
文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。119Please respect copyright.PENANAEeRPtvK7Iq
119Please respect copyright.PENANAI4QYHZj5B9
太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。119Please respect copyright.PENANAcxnPWqPlaw
119Please respect copyright.PENANAxTFoaPSEA5
但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。119Please respect copyright.PENANAQJqb3H2j5Z
119Please respect copyright.PENANAemLEMsgwuK
諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAN4bJrDZWGt
119Please respect copyright.PENANAHD1dy9NJ84
我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。119Please respect copyright.PENANATYRSflW0ue
119Please respect copyright.PENANAaSDfG1eif3
竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。119Please respect copyright.PENANAv0JzHu1cV5
119Please respect copyright.PENANAcmqXe7e2Dh
怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。119Please respect copyright.PENANAnN3Jk74Jhq
119Please respect copyright.PENANAaqmRCwHyJ0
萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。119Please respect copyright.PENANAYkGduvzM2m
119Please respect copyright.PENANA7hFQ5J1BdY
然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。119Please respect copyright.PENANAzR7k7txHuX
119Please respect copyright.PENANAmTJ9Nv9o1C
痛死我,不信也得信了。119Please respect copyright.PENANAUTpQb6pkFt
119Please respect copyright.PENANAIhF5P5Q9EV
「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAfeiEPx194l
119Please respect copyright.PENANAsta4sjaCwR
我:「這是什麼情況?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAteSB0vgPqC
119Please respect copyright.PENANAr0fm8Hgafr
這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?119Please respect copyright.PENANAaCz1CjY5bv
119Please respect copyright.PENANAIEHe2DiLqv
我絕對沒有打錯字。119Please respect copyright.PENANA81hkn0XHMK
119Please respect copyright.PENANAiWEvWt4RWW
諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAVx1v9ZmukB
119Please respect copyright.PENANAH8h437GLAC
我:「代替?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAK4VIbJitdU
119Please respect copyright.PENANA15QxRLddKZ
諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAPd34ma5dhi
119Please respect copyright.PENANANTnaOvRm4X
我:「為什麼?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAiqNhV27SgP
119Please respect copyright.PENANAbTLkKlrZ7S
諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAhxCgWbcj3l
119Please respect copyright.PENANAUFPVoGtY8g
我:「那不要說好了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAPyl6PuNoH4
119Please respect copyright.PENANAwrTGlaIWS8
諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA4vzJkD2uyF
119Please respect copyright.PENANAehjDRNydAT
「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?119Please respect copyright.PENANAvxUBNphYHb
119Please respect copyright.PENANAfwPePY4svG
諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」119Please respect copyright.PENANADReMoA3zhC
119Please respect copyright.PENANAt0xOck9g8X
也差不多意思。119Please respect copyright.PENANAras6CKBWRs
119Please respect copyright.PENANAxsPwI6Y6tA
諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」119Please respect copyright.PENANALaTY79OCgb
119Please respect copyright.PENANAQo0EA0GBn6
真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。119Please respect copyright.PENANAtChKXLYgX3
119Please respect copyright.PENANAmcvZRqeD3u
諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAMO0aasDmPU
119Please respect copyright.PENANALwVi9hzBtV
好個有商業頭腦的老頭。119Please respect copyright.PENANA9aTfHIoCCS
119Please respect copyright.PENANAKK6QiBGUJS
我:「這算什麼錯?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAcS2cmEV9bB
119Please respect copyright.PENANAFDVYtVoEQR
諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAkjRApcbG3N
119Please respect copyright.PENANA5eAfSPkvxG
我:「這樣很好啊。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAd6xvs5bdjF
119Please respect copyright.PENANAGeHs4RiPaV
諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAY8sDF4436C
119Please respect copyright.PENANAwLlgvfG0f1
……119Please respect copyright.PENANAhqORWbg4mz
119Please respect copyright.PENANAr21GGA1ymG
諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAywNKx9D5oN
119Please respect copyright.PENANAVywyXxv16v
你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!119Please respect copyright.PENANAS21lXkaWB3
119Please respect copyright.PENANAu7MBqOUfHL
諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」119Please respect copyright.PENANARb7yXBFGiF
119Please respect copyright.PENANAL4ZifW9avT
我:「什麼?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAht5VmDZdBK
119Please respect copyright.PENANAPVYKXCpiQp
諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」119Please respect copyright.PENANAB7N0Lwfwuw
119Please respect copyright.PENANAg6r8xYrWxI
是報應沒有錯啊。119Please respect copyright.PENANALuZLNMfk3A
119Please respect copyright.PENANAhnT18nFJ8r
不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?119Please respect copyright.PENANA4QZoWEyqWt
119Please respect copyright.PENANAR8USKaYG04
重點是。119Please respect copyright.PENANA7xair1DRVt
119Please respect copyright.PENANAwee3x838mQ
怪我嘍?119Please respect copyright.PENANAEIm4gdM0EG
119Please respect copyright.PENANAZP62Ii4VKb
我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAag1TG12tsZ
119Please respect copyright.PENANA5qAQfFvUig
諸葛亮:「抱歉。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAlDwBKWIvzl
119Please respect copyright.PENANA1GjsmlOVus
我:「不接受行不行?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA9BsPAHa6bJ
119Please respect copyright.PENANA3AhciTCFen
諸葛亮:「對不起。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAFCsWDXqmkY
119Please respect copyright.PENANAVIXJV4RNsr
……119Please respect copyright.PENANAs1NN3mhhJ3
119Please respect copyright.PENANAvhZbd49ZbH
諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA64wHD1TqKp
119Please respect copyright.PENANAWtzc5MOESi
那我大概有三次被抓的機會。119Please respect copyright.PENANAsqJueTFCzN
119Please respect copyright.PENANAmpUhBT4jDA
「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAIBNihtLhrR
119Please respect copyright.PENANAyJAp0C5Acf
去你妹的。119Please respect copyright.PENANAutz1lgup0c
119Please respect copyright.PENANAoViRHwaeV6
我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAaTnWVIt48n
119Please respect copyright.PENANAR6CxJbYj5m
那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。119Please respect copyright.PENANAyLVSjyJ6zB
119Please respect copyright.PENANAYmCturmlbX
不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。119Please respect copyright.PENANA31cj9A9YVE
119Please respect copyright.PENANAxEE2wu7Dai
但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAcdKeiDgv6o
119Please respect copyright.PENANA2HMI9DDajd
他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。119Please respect copyright.PENANAFZs2ioRjiC
119Please respect copyright.PENANAHoGmEehEzE
我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。119Please respect copyright.PENANAOC0Zm4qO4G
119Please respect copyright.PENANA8JGY8igU5W
鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。119Please respect copyright.PENANAu6pJcURvZk
119Please respect copyright.PENANAHf3iBul2he
諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAMFK9lNNUui
119Please respect copyright.PENANA9sNRHqBxrt
我無話可說。119Please respect copyright.PENANA6Vr8raGryi
119Please respect copyright.PENANA0lUoBqLIG4
諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANArgHONJG3X0
119Please respect copyright.PENANACuedXNRWdE
我真的無話可說。119Please respect copyright.PENANAabyAhs2sGz
119Please respect copyright.PENANA3KfP5slAsM
諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA57SEUuQPmw
119Please respect copyright.PENANAPKzRlIChJB
我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA2s5S1LaHr2
119Please respect copyright.PENANAT46bnc79gX
諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA56UwAcmVTO
119Please respect copyright.PENANAZzcuB8B9fL
我剛才已經問了!119Please respect copyright.PENANAMP3180uc20
119Please respect copyright.PENANAo9JJdh4BTQ
他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?119Please respect copyright.PENANArdzw5DwhRI
119Please respect copyright.PENANAnPNgxVSf7C
我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAiZw2Hhex84
119Please respect copyright.PENANAkdeIBRcSD1
「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」119Please respect copyright.PENANASswN2X8fQc
119Please respect copyright.PENANASTguOfMZzg
我:「放心?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAVrKPjuY5Jq
119Please respect copyright.PENANAKZLxpOSrdq
諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAH6dDKvyhf2
119Please respect copyright.PENANA8fu5RKHokh
我喉頭一澀。119Please respect copyright.PENANAIYJTeDGJ7H
119Please respect copyright.PENANAGO16jj3Yo3
根本笑不出來。119Please respect copyright.PENANA249ZEWFRmR
119Please respect copyright.PENANAsvYPKPcRRy
但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAl82p8pi5Aj
119Please respect copyright.PENANAJLVK09QcOv
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。119Please respect copyright.PENANAGhL1AYOwBR
119Please respect copyright.PENANADlondR5mpD
「歷史是會騙人的。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAubH1xxvdDL
119Please respect copyright.PENANAaAN3CVWu20
我的視界陷入混沌當中。