現行大學教育體制下的犧牲品,完畢。
接著說故事。讓我為剛才冗長、不簡略、沒有重點、根本騙字數的自我介紹道歉,這裡我一言以蔽之。
一個小白臉靠老婆過活的日子,以上。
當然有人想問:「這有什麼好說的?」
我會這樣回答:「這小白臉很出名。」
他叫,諸葛亮孔明。
故事的開始有點模糊,因為我記得我人在宿舍,剛吃完一塊雞排、用可樂漱口,沒有刷牙就倒在床上睡著。附帶一提,時間是星期三早上八點,一整天的課大概都得翹掉。119Please respect copyright.PENANAYkPAseKRLR
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不過那已經不重要了。119Please respect copyright.PENANAAGGCPNdBKE
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因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。119Please respect copyright.PENANAFSZOGG3lfr
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那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。119Please respect copyright.PENANAxNoaPgZwsC
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風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。119Please respect copyright.PENANAbk0gNQdM0l
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風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。119Please respect copyright.PENANAKUIYbIZTWW
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那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。119Please respect copyright.PENANAetc1IcLpsm
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我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。119Please respect copyright.PENANAGDOPak2WZ1
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似男類女,撲朔迷離。119Please respect copyright.PENANAVVnKRg4COZ
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我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。119Please respect copyright.PENANA2BUsgjT4wF
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甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。119Please respect copyright.PENANAhawUziTrOG
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那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAjm5hNjJSMf
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我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。119Please respect copyright.PENANA3Egby5jO5S
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我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。119Please respect copyright.PENANAZmrEvriHfN
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他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAfRH49cauK2
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我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。119Please respect copyright.PENANA3HF6bV9kxR
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甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。119Please respect copyright.PENANAB5dEg1X01b
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人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。119Please respect copyright.PENANA0HE163cri8
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這時我只想笑。119Please respect copyright.PENANAPpbGFUNkfS
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我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA6Q1hpZS9uL
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那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAXCkBQEXJs3
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我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAV1WSAGDFSz
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諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAGaAHTYiPpq
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我走下床、打開門、走出去……119Please respect copyright.PENANA0xD2RLjeI3
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停住。119Please respect copyright.PENANA20KvZz7aEN
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如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。119Please respect copyright.PENANAcGxD20WO4c
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刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。119Please respect copyright.PENANAuxUkLQqZfb
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我面無表情關上門,回頭。119Please respect copyright.PENANAYDnMqxKWvd
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諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA2KiQHLjOKG
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諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAZFH6OzAAZ6
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文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。119Please respect copyright.PENANAKWxWYSuD5l
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太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。119Please respect copyright.PENANARfFblrv7UH
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但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。119Please respect copyright.PENANAaG1FV8a5BT
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諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAR5ThMFGXfk
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我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。119Please respect copyright.PENANAm0I67w6c12
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竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。119Please respect copyright.PENANAC0nyGu8KVT
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怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。119Please respect copyright.PENANA4fLXv7c5pN
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萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。119Please respect copyright.PENANAhdIUoK8G82
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然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。119Please respect copyright.PENANArm4dJkgjfT
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痛死我,不信也得信了。119Please respect copyright.PENANAUURLgmFSoK
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「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAXgJw7C57Dn
119Please respect copyright.PENANAz6qMMS9Zv0
我:「這是什麼情況?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAyRy3a0xfgj
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這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?119Please respect copyright.PENANA67966G3kh9
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我絕對沒有打錯字。119Please respect copyright.PENANA4dWmfltkvK
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諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAwTFJNYCn1a
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我:「代替?」119Please respect copyright.PENANATnN82zHqN6
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諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」119Please respect copyright.PENANArjY6NG4Y2x
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我:「為什麼?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA65ChfBu7oU
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諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAhmpAlec8AL
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我:「那不要說好了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA6b2kah218V
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諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAPNMyLaDuSP
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「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?119Please respect copyright.PENANAQ4mcwHI2Cf
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諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAn0nhNo1GkU
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也差不多意思。119Please respect copyright.PENANAzKpUxoLi2B
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諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA3T9ONyU8bH
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真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。119Please respect copyright.PENANAxIDhFboLdN
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諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAYJYGyZptlm
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好個有商業頭腦的老頭。119Please respect copyright.PENANA23hJo68dZW
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我:「這算什麼錯?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAJdjD9w4Stm
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諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAbGh03r7ofD
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我:「這樣很好啊。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAdHqBCknI07
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諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA1NPbxZ9ODa
119Please respect copyright.PENANAKhZhKxMYQH
……119Please respect copyright.PENANAlCZroddaer
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諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAkYtBVRqHxs
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你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!119Please respect copyright.PENANAbRRHKXQt6N
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諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA4rMlNQJEu8
119Please respect copyright.PENANAdZ5vFQVbFw
我:「什麼?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA36h1zgSWqM
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諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」119Please respect copyright.PENANAH0wuwKRYCd
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是報應沒有錯啊。119Please respect copyright.PENANA0R9P85No8H
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不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?119Please respect copyright.PENANApJ1OdGwze8
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重點是。119Please respect copyright.PENANAHXHm3pnejc
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怪我嘍?119Please respect copyright.PENANA7GHNYjb4cN
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我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAZkv3bhm0rl
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諸葛亮:「抱歉。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAowCkUjLjNA
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我:「不接受行不行?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA57sSCK8MWy
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諸葛亮:「對不起。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAXjeKpL8XUJ
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……119Please respect copyright.PENANA2Nq1j2aUGH
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諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAbzJRbiSFef
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那我大概有三次被抓的機會。119Please respect copyright.PENANA8qCChU9IMf
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「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA7Axniklxjl
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去你妹的。119Please respect copyright.PENANA4sCOvriKKY
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我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAiJsUzyN0qg
119Please respect copyright.PENANAV47xT2WBFv
那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。119Please respect copyright.PENANAB87ccozacP
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不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。119Please respect copyright.PENANA6xa6luquAV
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但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAwPrmDM5Tjv
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他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。119Please respect copyright.PENANAmhfFaCuCbO
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我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。119Please respect copyright.PENANAe7W5k5grsr
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鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。119Please respect copyright.PENANAvv63JjdXtR
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諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA49Y8gswRSF
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我無話可說。119Please respect copyright.PENANAvNSXpjNRiH
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諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAwAAcoTOOWi
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我真的無話可說。119Please respect copyright.PENANAUVCbrssYn2
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諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAxRou3HS6kJ
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我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAhO10nY5GEs
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諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」119Please respect copyright.PENANATeuqQsqoob
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我剛才已經問了!119Please respect copyright.PENANA0oDYKif19J
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他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?119Please respect copyright.PENANAcFppTbv48v
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我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAXGCbk2vQk3
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「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」119Please respect copyright.PENANANTxkYclH5K
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我:「放心?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAxx3i9U7KwG
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諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAnA0iayFV9X
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我喉頭一澀。119Please respect copyright.PENANAvVo3Zl69Rn
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根本笑不出來。119Please respect copyright.PENANACIBijDD5ML
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但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAJHesDWs0Ev
119Please respect copyright.PENANAIQ8vd90nuE
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。119Please respect copyright.PENANAMZaT5P7dfD
119Please respect copyright.PENANArKhJPVEs5X
「歷史是會騙人的。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAmmOlXTe89I
119Please respect copyright.PENANAe1XcpMJesL
我的視界陷入混沌當中。
ns216.73.216.146da2 119Please respect copyright.PENANAnToR6hHwo1
不過那已經不重要了。119Please respect copyright.PENANAAGGCPNdBKE
119Please respect copyright.PENANAees6VUU0GB
因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。119Please respect copyright.PENANAFSZOGG3lfr
119Please respect copyright.PENANAytNQDf61OZ
那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。119Please respect copyright.PENANAxNoaPgZwsC
119Please respect copyright.PENANAmMvo3E4PJU
風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。119Please respect copyright.PENANAbk0gNQdM0l
119Please respect copyright.PENANAKxv0aEBV0f
風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。119Please respect copyright.PENANAKUIYbIZTWW
119Please respect copyright.PENANA6MPnBBKG8K
那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。119Please respect copyright.PENANAetc1IcLpsm
119Please respect copyright.PENANAag9ZrVoeiW
我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。119Please respect copyright.PENANAGDOPak2WZ1
119Please respect copyright.PENANAXga6rWMc0N
似男類女,撲朔迷離。119Please respect copyright.PENANAVVnKRg4COZ
119Please respect copyright.PENANA5AjyBaKvD7
我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。119Please respect copyright.PENANA2BUsgjT4wF
119Please respect copyright.PENANArEgBS9kNWK
甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。119Please respect copyright.PENANAhawUziTrOG
119Please respect copyright.PENANAWLJEnJMzLD
那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAjm5hNjJSMf
119Please respect copyright.PENANAPKTcHHHfXG
我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。119Please respect copyright.PENANA3Egby5jO5S
119Please respect copyright.PENANAFQy1QSTceo
我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。119Please respect copyright.PENANAZmrEvriHfN
119Please respect copyright.PENANA1nKrA8b4V6
他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAfRH49cauK2
119Please respect copyright.PENANAc4ZexpDYik
我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。119Please respect copyright.PENANA3HF6bV9kxR
119Please respect copyright.PENANABZl6x4Ql1A
甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。119Please respect copyright.PENANAB5dEg1X01b
119Please respect copyright.PENANAkMttrGWjqA
人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。119Please respect copyright.PENANA0HE163cri8
119Please respect copyright.PENANAqRljUgOtPl
這時我只想笑。119Please respect copyright.PENANAPpbGFUNkfS
119Please respect copyright.PENANAF9Mv4g8iuY
我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA6Q1hpZS9uL
119Please respect copyright.PENANAa6ckFh0VhS
那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAXCkBQEXJs3
119Please respect copyright.PENANAmXIWTNLv10
我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAV1WSAGDFSz
119Please respect copyright.PENANAWy5PhdEqTc
諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAGaAHTYiPpq
119Please respect copyright.PENANANID2A9fjQ6
我走下床、打開門、走出去……119Please respect copyright.PENANA0xD2RLjeI3
119Please respect copyright.PENANA4UrCVHBKsy
停住。119Please respect copyright.PENANA20KvZz7aEN
119Please respect copyright.PENANA0DftB9blwD
如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。119Please respect copyright.PENANAcGxD20WO4c
119Please respect copyright.PENANAjp4qrnQmfS
刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。119Please respect copyright.PENANAuxUkLQqZfb
119Please respect copyright.PENANAxiDefwNAxR
我面無表情關上門,回頭。119Please respect copyright.PENANAYDnMqxKWvd
119Please respect copyright.PENANADqOUeKURjN
諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA2KiQHLjOKG
119Please respect copyright.PENANAGiwddm6JM6
諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAZFH6OzAAZ6
119Please respect copyright.PENANAAzGaGw6IMw
文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。119Please respect copyright.PENANAKWxWYSuD5l
119Please respect copyright.PENANAHaEdCGzVQE
太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。119Please respect copyright.PENANARfFblrv7UH
119Please respect copyright.PENANAtIytbBf3uH
但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。119Please respect copyright.PENANAaG1FV8a5BT
119Please respect copyright.PENANAOh83j3XKSl
諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAR5ThMFGXfk
119Please respect copyright.PENANAb1MP0aNSpy
我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。119Please respect copyright.PENANAm0I67w6c12
119Please respect copyright.PENANAh0FhpPaTX2
竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。119Please respect copyright.PENANAC0nyGu8KVT
119Please respect copyright.PENANAVVlEroMz4Y
怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。119Please respect copyright.PENANA4fLXv7c5pN
119Please respect copyright.PENANA1zS4YAf62M
萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。119Please respect copyright.PENANAhdIUoK8G82
119Please respect copyright.PENANAhfAJP3V13x
然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。119Please respect copyright.PENANArm4dJkgjfT
119Please respect copyright.PENANA1KvEzNevhe
痛死我,不信也得信了。119Please respect copyright.PENANAUURLgmFSoK
119Please respect copyright.PENANAXjlEXufVyB
「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAXgJw7C57Dn
119Please respect copyright.PENANAz6qMMS9Zv0
我:「這是什麼情況?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAyRy3a0xfgj
119Please respect copyright.PENANAMsgtJeA3gZ
這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?119Please respect copyright.PENANA67966G3kh9
119Please respect copyright.PENANAvgOp3CZo7b
我絕對沒有打錯字。119Please respect copyright.PENANA4dWmfltkvK
119Please respect copyright.PENANAHwgjx5BbQJ
諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAwTFJNYCn1a
119Please respect copyright.PENANA9HXDzDn8tC
我:「代替?」119Please respect copyright.PENANATnN82zHqN6
119Please respect copyright.PENANACdgG50RLDz
諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」119Please respect copyright.PENANArjY6NG4Y2x
119Please respect copyright.PENANAJFfFtgDe8I
我:「為什麼?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA65ChfBu7oU
119Please respect copyright.PENANAjkPPKwSnrK
諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAhmpAlec8AL
119Please respect copyright.PENANA8Sv6Rsg7B9
我:「那不要說好了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA6b2kah218V
119Please respect copyright.PENANAcIR5Ic3rzv
諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAPNMyLaDuSP
119Please respect copyright.PENANAYn6HTPcFpY
「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?119Please respect copyright.PENANAQ4mcwHI2Cf
119Please respect copyright.PENANAiSmzXZuobF
諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAn0nhNo1GkU
119Please respect copyright.PENANAUzcVttB8Zz
也差不多意思。119Please respect copyright.PENANAzKpUxoLi2B
119Please respect copyright.PENANAjNtLtkadwP
諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA3T9ONyU8bH
119Please respect copyright.PENANAem6WYXQYGw
真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。119Please respect copyright.PENANAxIDhFboLdN
119Please respect copyright.PENANA500XjS92gE
諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAYJYGyZptlm
119Please respect copyright.PENANAfolYQKSHJy
好個有商業頭腦的老頭。119Please respect copyright.PENANA23hJo68dZW
119Please respect copyright.PENANA6ipucHrUSK
我:「這算什麼錯?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAJdjD9w4Stm
119Please respect copyright.PENANAzs2uuM37Zp
諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAbGh03r7ofD
119Please respect copyright.PENANAWuAq7wmNnW
我:「這樣很好啊。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAdHqBCknI07
119Please respect copyright.PENANADSQIQDiGJS
諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA1NPbxZ9ODa
119Please respect copyright.PENANAKhZhKxMYQH
……119Please respect copyright.PENANAlCZroddaer
119Please respect copyright.PENANA3t6m0GG6Gt
諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAkYtBVRqHxs
119Please respect copyright.PENANASFC1iTWHWr
你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!119Please respect copyright.PENANAbRRHKXQt6N
119Please respect copyright.PENANA2x7IetIs98
諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA4rMlNQJEu8
119Please respect copyright.PENANAdZ5vFQVbFw
我:「什麼?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA36h1zgSWqM
119Please respect copyright.PENANAz13840ZsIH
諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」119Please respect copyright.PENANAH0wuwKRYCd
119Please respect copyright.PENANAnQTuPTaBdo
是報應沒有錯啊。119Please respect copyright.PENANA0R9P85No8H
119Please respect copyright.PENANALPIRzt8FzB
不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?119Please respect copyright.PENANApJ1OdGwze8
119Please respect copyright.PENANADSMjqTtf0k
重點是。119Please respect copyright.PENANAHXHm3pnejc
119Please respect copyright.PENANAw1aTwlG4gh
怪我嘍?119Please respect copyright.PENANA7GHNYjb4cN
119Please respect copyright.PENANANuED4j7mBT
我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAZkv3bhm0rl
119Please respect copyright.PENANANSTr0El9H4
諸葛亮:「抱歉。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAowCkUjLjNA
119Please respect copyright.PENANAYgHMc6ukah
我:「不接受行不行?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA57sSCK8MWy
119Please respect copyright.PENANARy1TCZoDoF
諸葛亮:「對不起。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAXjeKpL8XUJ
119Please respect copyright.PENANAMcMYV7XmKO
……119Please respect copyright.PENANA2Nq1j2aUGH
119Please respect copyright.PENANA5FaFvQmmoC
諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAbzJRbiSFef
119Please respect copyright.PENANAglH1AHPHml
那我大概有三次被抓的機會。119Please respect copyright.PENANA8qCChU9IMf
119Please respect copyright.PENANAhAh8A3DbOq
「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA7Axniklxjl
119Please respect copyright.PENANA57akyeg4wR
去你妹的。119Please respect copyright.PENANA4sCOvriKKY
119Please respect copyright.PENANAHLhApo7vmP
我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAiJsUzyN0qg
119Please respect copyright.PENANAV47xT2WBFv
那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。119Please respect copyright.PENANAB87ccozacP
119Please respect copyright.PENANAPuAgkzhMYZ
不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。119Please respect copyright.PENANA6xa6luquAV
119Please respect copyright.PENANAkVJj2GJY9u
但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAwPrmDM5Tjv
119Please respect copyright.PENANAGG3Hml81wE
他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。119Please respect copyright.PENANAmhfFaCuCbO
119Please respect copyright.PENANAbphh3t60V8
我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。119Please respect copyright.PENANAe7W5k5grsr
119Please respect copyright.PENANAMJi2xAnJIM
鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。119Please respect copyright.PENANAvv63JjdXtR
119Please respect copyright.PENANAdUn6wEZfRJ
諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA49Y8gswRSF
119Please respect copyright.PENANAjfaliC31RV
我無話可說。119Please respect copyright.PENANAvNSXpjNRiH
119Please respect copyright.PENANAxrvb03IfFj
諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAwAAcoTOOWi
119Please respect copyright.PENANANQKKsKbVvV
我真的無話可說。119Please respect copyright.PENANAUVCbrssYn2
119Please respect copyright.PENANAhlf6nTYv5m
諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAxRou3HS6kJ
119Please respect copyright.PENANAMpO3jP9dUl
我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAhO10nY5GEs
119Please respect copyright.PENANASek6ZrD62f
諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」119Please respect copyright.PENANATeuqQsqoob
119Please respect copyright.PENANAtdO6m2Ailm
我剛才已經問了!119Please respect copyright.PENANA0oDYKif19J
119Please respect copyright.PENANAmYDMYx51yf
他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?119Please respect copyright.PENANAcFppTbv48v
119Please respect copyright.PENANAPiKGltonU7
我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAXGCbk2vQk3
119Please respect copyright.PENANA7eHra0M8b7
「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」119Please respect copyright.PENANANTxkYclH5K
119Please respect copyright.PENANArWMxfq4Mv1
我:「放心?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAxx3i9U7KwG
119Please respect copyright.PENANAaEaztdvhNa
諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAnA0iayFV9X
119Please respect copyright.PENANAECWnej1dn1
我喉頭一澀。119Please respect copyright.PENANAvVo3Zl69Rn
119Please respect copyright.PENANAiDAOzhOAmk
根本笑不出來。119Please respect copyright.PENANACIBijDD5ML
119Please respect copyright.PENANARikuiJkhvg
但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAJHesDWs0Ev
119Please respect copyright.PENANAIQ8vd90nuE
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。119Please respect copyright.PENANAMZaT5P7dfD
119Please respect copyright.PENANArKhJPVEs5X
「歷史是會騙人的。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAmmOlXTe89I
119Please respect copyright.PENANAe1XcpMJesL
我的視界陷入混沌當中。