Last night was one of the most emotionally tumultuous nights of my life.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡueHf6xvdKv
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3MMGqcbydQ
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4SBbmPHFjZ
Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone?527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIYiTDH3wWq
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Fjsh9IlDP
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No.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbqydmwM7Vh
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG1SVBxKmgc
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Then tell him.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgyBBGKAL1M
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd5C3dymFng
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA4vlWSV4qX
I can't.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn093KWR9Me
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpS4duJXmsO
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdNVD2Nhl2i
"I can't," I say out loud as I lay on my back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling above me. 527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ciZkWYMY0
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5DhSF2EKWQ
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ83xcb3QHO
Truth be told, I'm stuck. I can't move forward from my past, from the pain that I've experienced; I can't let it go.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn1csfz46Hb
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUaxdW2Fy86
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFY1hEYem0m
But can you let David go?527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Dyn3tYnsV
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA1blGeJ4Be
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaupzingas7
I try to shut off that annoying voice inside of my head, because the thought of life without David right now is... painful.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvn1r9TCMl4
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdYXyMZEVWh
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ74KYLCzlD
Attachment. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw8laTIb5xi
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmamIRTypRc
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9vKACGertS
I don't want my life without him to feel painful, I want it to feel free. 527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrt2Sqp9Tpy
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJg3gpR2jM
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiUCVHEbm0Z
But I don't.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnxgE3WyOCH
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdBhB342tOO
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIsfeXzC4f4
I feel entangled with him. I want to be near him, feel him, see him, just know that he's there.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJpjj768oOv
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPfXk2eqc7A
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZGNZNX80C
Have you ever been in the process of falling in love with someone, where you aren't quite there yet, but you can feel yourself plunging into something so unknown, but it's so... blissful?527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcoMWghdGJI
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkglLeL2NbW
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEQhNi6863W
Well, it's the opposite for me. 527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM9vKdiKuWn
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWciBSHtbIF
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡplROuZiYtb
I'm not in love with David yet, but I'm sure that pretty soon I will be. I'm free-falling like a dense, metal bucket with no rope or string thrown into a water well. The water at the bottom of the well represents is the love that I, the bucket too dense to float, will sink into and be filled with one day. That's what love feels like; it floods you, it consumes you.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhnJnyg7utG
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEA78U8vqK3
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1aKGGcTbDi
I haven't hit the water yet, but as I plummet through the dark, cold air, I know that it is coming.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6GxRmWzZaw
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyk5ZKGUgcB
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8QXGq349uQ
It terrifies me, because the farther I go, the more and more I realise that I cannot defy gravity; I cannot go back. It feels as if I'm being dragged down towards that damning pool of love against my will. 527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUcWPlI06P9
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsOQvSgm2eO
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This isn't bliss; it's torture.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXW02IPOg9Z
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2fYSQbSPb
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡymKdU4QyAR
***527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1iPaCCbcCX
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I can't sleep.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWclLSTq03o
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsw2aurM02y
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBlCpRDf1cU
The pain in my pelvis is back in full force, and I'm beginning to think that this is due to more than just bad eating habits.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHbKEdHhHZc
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO65EkSKm4m
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQVFPNLzsoq
"Fuck," I groan to myself as I roll over, clutching the left side of my pelvis in pain. Of course, that does nothing.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRxoGP28seQ
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ849ZU6aiCs
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUTbmxcVWWR
I decide to get up and do something else; I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. 527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDVtG3xqL3s
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEKvd9sNRNQ
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfwItiFDsKB
I circle my room, walking around it five times, until something catches my eye. Underneath the dresser, pushed to the back, covered in dust, is a tiny, black album, with a spine which was once bright crimson, but is now a dull red from the dust which has taken up residence on the cotton material. 527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQWa7NYf1vL
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqNbSB1o4Mz
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDozixVGIcF
This is the album with photos from my old life. I put pictures of people I love in this album, but once they all died, I stopped using it.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjwrkX0NIRa
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7JHVhWqLTH
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9hHRZykGA1
I'm obviously a professional masochist, truly learned in the art of inflicting pain upon oneself, because before I can make a well thought out decision as to what I should do about this little discovery, I am dragging the dusty album from under my dresser and sitting on my bed, flipping it open.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyJ0AfYrFfQ
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE7PXLQ96DB
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRAuKltUjCs
The first picture is a picture of myself and my mother. This starts up a dull ache in my chest. She was the world to me; she made me believe in myself, and there wasn't a day that I lived in that woman's presence that I didn't feel loved. 527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMwOR8FqUfh
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAc80Q60U6X
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvwUkgjfVKa
Having your mother die in a house fire when you're fifteen hurts like a bitch, especially if she's even half the mother that mine was. It was just so, abrupt, so unexpected, so... tragic.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm2DjXFVQGN
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCT3JtY1Dj
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The next set of pictures that set me off are Amy's. Amy... isn't just my best friend. She's my sister. 527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKFeZWiT4Gc
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGicCeR9q9R
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE2Jb5O2y1H
My mother's death fucked me up; I stopped socialising with people, and I started to shut them out. I didn't get tied to the people who cared for me; once I turned eighteen, I just got up and left. Amy was the only person who I still let in; she had been my friend since I was six years old, and we just never grew apart. 527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ92uxcY6bje
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHjnw1DQo5J
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When I tried to push her away, she wouldn't let me. I didn't leave her, but in the end, she left me.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvDsFWykzut
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0H7GNeSSh3
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwaT4WZGYdF
For what?527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqgbyErPvXI
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGhNycxRUCx
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCnjWkmXsMy
Nothing.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl6VG8dOHZL
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Yt83fuzlZ
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9nB2blzOk1
Amy was actually the one who introduced be to Andrew on my twentieth birthday.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmBiHDkfvAU
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4KKBiwG8Ag
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV9LYueAPbg
Andrew.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡICMpHBcfT6
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7DCA6e8YqS
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbgdbBLZBm8
With the tears already welling up in my eyes, I flip the page quickly, wanting to get it over with quickly; but once I see his face, a face I which haven't seen for so long, a face which I have evaded for so long, I throw the album and scream.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYXGGvuOrvt
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXsFdRn3wW7
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MfwyBQkNF
Sometimes, I wonder if something is wrong with me. Most people lose their loved ones, grieve, and then move on with their scars, never forgetting, but always moving forward. Most people can look at a picture of their boyfriend who's been dead for two years now without breaking down into hysterics.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDi0Zf8dy2K
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqSXZsTv0zt
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I can't.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLhmmkHG9ss
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7NAdHKCGJR
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL4Ldd67yvW
This is why I try to block all of this out; because I've tried healing. To an extent, it worked with my mother, because even though her death was tragic and unexpected, you expect that you'll outlive your parents; you don't expect them to grow old and die with you. With Amy, it didn't work as well, because she was so young, and I still haven't forgiven her.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFKeKZCcdRH
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe5nSEBenfN
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Cn2aoky5p
With Andrew? It just didn't work. Period. He was supposed to have children and grow old with me. So here I am, writhing in emotional agony on my bed, sobbing just as hard and in even more pain than I was in on the night that he died. 527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsScHT4Jo9v
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd3Zk0QXewS
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1VRJdwCOTE
I can't be healed. Pretending to forget is the next best thing.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Q4MPypTZS
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKzYmSmCDFb
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLfsOUE1H0n
When I'm all cried out, the once dark sky is now dimly lit with early morning light. 527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3egWhkyJ0e
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwhsPe8BYbP
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbaxLYgjeE5
I just spent hours crying over Andrew; I have to admit, if he were alive, he'd probably feel a mix of guilt and disappointment. That hurts.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIZ3ShwEi8F
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlJoeeu5u91
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSxo2JUZq2U
Before that thought can set me off, I close my eyes and will myself back into my closed-off emotionless state.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ960wmFnKSQ
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzzUzzMWoOK
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3T6tVT7myU
Why did I bother to take up the fuckíng album? I should have just left it. I should have just—527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK4b5c8FNtR
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0z1WH25laN
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSc4xy3ivuQ
"FUCK!" I scream, when I feel the pain tear through my pelvis once more; it feels as if it's consuming my entire body.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDZyHD5EWvr
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgaHw6eH0Ue
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ7qXUtGycw
This definitely is not normal.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT2nPBdsQO9
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQzz62kSD1Z
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKCU8FBRDC3
"Ahh!" I scream, trying to pull myself up, but I fall back down.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOngMIUmkkj
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLvQVdszQAd
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4nauVtlr2T
I desperately feel for the phone, trying to feel for it between the sheets, under the pillows, anywhere — then finally, I have it.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS2rYqbl9Lk
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVNafgGkjE5
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE6LX3QdnGg
Then I pause.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2j4rRV85Cv
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAosKLEAxY5
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgfIf1m2MVL
Should I call an ambulance? I won't know how to explain this to a phone operator, and they probably wouldn't take me seriously, so I'd be waiting here forever.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡruVSmu29qU
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLVsSef4L7j
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmk2At2wDeW
Call David.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ5Cw0ld3iL
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5vN09WT25t
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHCCreRwHvl
I don't have time to think too hard about it, because all too soon, I'm hearing his sleep-roughed voice.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtTsFoMpGs7
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBOSvEphhme
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLDbrETOWSg
"Leah?"527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡneP9RN6tYY
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOYldp9Ngx5
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPzNDChebPM
"David," I gasp. 527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3LYt1P23m6
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7fYQnFeYXD
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl4WrUUNvhi
"Leah! What's wrong?" he asks frantically, once he hears my voice.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFbX0BpgdBm
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKZy4oINs4D
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYhO6Z8AQSV
"M-m-my, m-y side," I stutter out, hoping that he can make out what I'm saying.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡndOoqZf4H1
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqNmkhYMSM9
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2AnPfXTmbZ
I can hear him moving in the background, and I know that he's in his way.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrSwffTgmCt
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZpv7jgPqAx
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcQj33RjNOS
"Are you at home, Leah?"527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZrzXEvjkB5
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGXz212DhuG
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSd82FSnHVA
"Yes," I whimper, feeling weak all of a sudden. Too weak. I'm about to pass out.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVItnnWIX0o
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmlTWmTPQNz
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfQQ9SromB4
"I'm on my way, but Leah, I need you to keep talking to me."527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe6ZFeMAzjd
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJirdNuBQOL
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg2FFFFS726
"Hmm," I say, barely able to get anything out.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXqufCre7zk
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeCbzwOeIJz
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz0RSSM5H2K
"What's wrong with your side, Leah?"527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlIf9wxSQ6n
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQkL0ds0jh
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfjWKfa3nI9
I focus on his voice; I focus on him. He's trying, coming out of his house at the ass crack of dawn to take me to the hospital; even as I feel the darkness yanking at me, I fight it.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡasQ1fnqwsJ
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡswZ1ipzgNk
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtzBMoUvNFG
"It hurts," I whisper, as if it's some great secret, and in this moment, it is, because I'm not just talking about my side; I'm talking about everything. I want to explain that to him so much, but I can't.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡopv5kOl6kF
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjDD84rYHIo
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXOwSZ5BHoM
When I go to blink again, I don't re-open my eyes.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAGjZ3V8QYF
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHRm8L9I9bh
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I can't.527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡznOvjhChrr
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuHat1vsNY6
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3IoduQvBE9
Oblivion swallows me whole.
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