Last night was one of the most emotionally tumultuous nights of my life.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPVhuPWZZNQ
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAbWe9LmpFo
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdlBuQUun3U
Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone?487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkUPycrNiJ2
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyhvYTraCoQ
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkFQISTbnEL
No.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9K7KWulQT6
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRHpQOaTHAk
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA6l2weVwSt
Then tell him.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZdqK4eH7a1
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnHvC6SfKFw
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvSJYNcpYe9
I can't.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNc6HnT9Ewi
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Zea366jRy
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7SC4OgOmwh
"I can't," I say out loud as I lay on my back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling above me. 487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHxIpO9pSod
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUUMYSbhOoM
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwO2NEbu4WI
Truth be told, I'm stuck. I can't move forward from my past, from the pain that I've experienced; I can't let it go.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa0qZXJwDGZ
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx3A3E8RorT
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJLa77bnD6q
But can you let David go?487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnlFjGf6fZR
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWqeGFOCKnM
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLFJ83YLXXI
I try to shut off that annoying voice inside of my head, because the thought of life without David right now is... painful.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXmPByigNAp
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTflHUIV2b4
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIvPQYvrrmp
Attachment. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGyp5AzzE5h
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVs7MiaOs17
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo6uTVo8ciP
I don't want my life without him to feel painful, I want it to feel free. 487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVgRhgUI077
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKpn1dzEpyC
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPNxhCnTWuQ
But I don't.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuodO5xlgWz
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVBur7xwDsk
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmikKSYkgzG
I feel entangled with him. I want to be near him, feel him, see him, just know that he's there.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl3r7A46OvB
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY1DkNYschc
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMjxbVQb7Rd
Have you ever been in the process of falling in love with someone, where you aren't quite there yet, but you can feel yourself plunging into something so unknown, but it's so... blissful?487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf6kOKWsPU8
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8JUNyNlwhk
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡij8a9H6VcV
Well, it's the opposite for me. 487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa70NY6Naf8
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuV5WMWCkgL
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2CVZBACipt
I'm not in love with David yet, but I'm sure that pretty soon I will be. I'm free-falling like a dense, metal bucket with no rope or string thrown into a water well. The water at the bottom of the well represents is the love that I, the bucket too dense to float, will sink into and be filled with one day. That's what love feels like; it floods you, it consumes you.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbce5j7fq5
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡslOw365j6r
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXUL9B5Yoj0
I haven't hit the water yet, but as I plummet through the dark, cold air, I know that it is coming.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3cfocHHKd
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpG5vosk1Ge
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfMLBVeg9re
It terrifies me, because the farther I go, the more and more I realise that I cannot defy gravity; I cannot go back. It feels as if I'm being dragged down towards that damning pool of love against my will. 487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡof0dxq8Z2n
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡocNiEQG4gs
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡliPyYr49C5
This isn't bliss; it's torture.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfAWjHooyQ2
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnET67SCP6A
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1zCxO1sqNk
***487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHUM5jinpDg
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡClGzIlrzXt
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzOAqBW5pY
I can't sleep.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu5lnwebWKr
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYvuvCpfG6N
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJb9SIW5p4C
The pain in my pelvis is back in full force, and I'm beginning to think that this is due to more than just bad eating habits.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH3lMS7gLj5
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Yp8X1c5LP
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkAZxVvkh5O
"Fuck," I groan to myself as I roll over, clutching the left side of my pelvis in pain. Of course, that does nothing.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJwkbvzKJVx
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAST3N66U3S
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPMxnN4IFjG
I decide to get up and do something else; I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. 487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxgKST3YyTM
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQdjdtqCyQY
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX7Rp9RnFeR
I circle my room, walking around it five times, until something catches my eye. Underneath the dresser, pushed to the back, covered in dust, is a tiny, black album, with a spine which was once bright crimson, but is now a dull red from the dust which has taken up residence on the cotton material. 487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLpC1pMxPd
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTEsVPIxFdS
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQBUSN10MO9
This is the album with photos from my old life. I put pictures of people I love in this album, but once they all died, I stopped using it.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡydGcjh2E2w
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2vPV2ggedZ
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXTN0SFUZpI
I'm obviously a professional masochist, truly learned in the art of inflicting pain upon oneself, because before I can make a well thought out decision as to what I should do about this little discovery, I am dragging the dusty album from under my dresser and sitting on my bed, flipping it open.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcYl01ObJ7z
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcl6dg2e6Fz
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAGIr5qqUzl
The first picture is a picture of myself and my mother. This starts up a dull ache in my chest. She was the world to me; she made me believe in myself, and there wasn't a day that I lived in that woman's presence that I didn't feel loved. 487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJBErZaRqFs
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIqDGI5zR7D
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV3QQVNliq2
Having your mother die in a house fire when you're fifteen hurts like a bitch, especially if she's even half the mother that mine was. It was just so, abrupt, so unexpected, so... tragic.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP9geurMMDq
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2WURHPzryq
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc1TTr9oSvd
The next set of pictures that set me off are Amy's. Amy... isn't just my best friend. She's my sister. 487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz3xbqKoD7z
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7aPptUhGpr
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFo04DvgH4E
My mother's death fucked me up; I stopped socialising with people, and I started to shut them out. I didn't get tied to the people who cared for me; once I turned eighteen, I just got up and left. Amy was the only person who I still let in; she had been my friend since I was six years old, and we just never grew apart. 487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ74jZxIIgoZ
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6V4u9gceZX
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaHAeNby2dl
When I tried to push her away, she wouldn't let me. I didn't leave her, but in the end, she left me.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSf3oM5NzB2
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxbucndsfT
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKGzgXHhG1D
For what?487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWqogazdecN
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqDzQgtJPBZ
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxaXFP7RJRi
Nothing.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvY4fmFCjB0
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJUrDpd2Fd
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxc5QDLVIUP
Amy was actually the one who introduced be to Andrew on my twentieth birthday.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW0al8yOczT
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8wSVRHhFGs
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡonUXxuUSkF
Andrew.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPJUMHnOLIG
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZMkBxwBbK
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Xd7NlwX1C
With the tears already welling up in my eyes, I flip the page quickly, wanting to get it over with quickly; but once I see his face, a face I which haven't seen for so long, a face which I have evaded for so long, I throw the album and scream.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT4JA953SRt
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd34SmL9E2S
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Ecq4jcoFq
Sometimes, I wonder if something is wrong with me. Most people lose their loved ones, grieve, and then move on with their scars, never forgetting, but always moving forward. Most people can look at a picture of their boyfriend who's been dead for two years now without breaking down into hysterics.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSI15hfxskO
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4402H8xs1Z
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXP47vg3xTM
I can't.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtccT8bF4Yl
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfgpVMDx68m
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWbFLI1g9Ob
This is why I try to block all of this out; because I've tried healing. To an extent, it worked with my mother, because even though her death was tragic and unexpected, you expect that you'll outlive your parents; you don't expect them to grow old and die with you. With Amy, it didn't work as well, because she was so young, and I still haven't forgiven her.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyIJk7WSsDJ
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJniTup48xv
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2NAq7uqG0
With Andrew? It just didn't work. Period. He was supposed to have children and grow old with me. So here I am, writhing in emotional agony on my bed, sobbing just as hard and in even more pain than I was in on the night that he died. 487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHCU8e0Sz12
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJTnqt9qAnH
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡybzUUIYrBt
I can't be healed. Pretending to forget is the next best thing.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqDxaE2bvjF
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2djDTtAA2J
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0V3hTzklvE
When I'm all cried out, the once dark sky is now dimly lit with early morning light. 487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmVubIzEJcm
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡir8UDB7Kyb
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMOGChPqupx
I just spent hours crying over Andrew; I have to admit, if he were alive, he'd probably feel a mix of guilt and disappointment. That hurts.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8SpHj2qOvu
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeCtlrX7sVN
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOhnwn6rWdi
Before that thought can set me off, I close my eyes and will myself back into my closed-off emotionless state.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiU9FS7Nhae
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL8oH37I358
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8VoxsNW802
Why did I bother to take up the fuckíng album? I should have just left it. I should have just—487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe0FqxM14Je
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2AhRnxkwHa
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOk5o5EQhvf
"FUCK!" I scream, when I feel the pain tear through my pelvis once more; it feels as if it's consuming my entire body.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiZUXXm10yq
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWJIjsJAon4
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvh08pyXR7D
This definitely is not normal.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGRFYQL9S0R
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdtG2xRv2P5
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFUAZ9lzWOW
"Ahh!" I scream, trying to pull myself up, but I fall back down.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKojrQmNF6e
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4lxo3zbogH
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvcfedMzcuc
I desperately feel for the phone, trying to feel for it between the sheets, under the pillows, anywhere — then finally, I have it.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH28Cj5Bc5A
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwJoMVm2s5R
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC63jfx4Htk
Then I pause.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx9y59YXU5U
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMx3uR9dfuY
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5GlHCXTVui
Should I call an ambulance? I won't know how to explain this to a phone operator, and they probably wouldn't take me seriously, so I'd be waiting here forever.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQx6TpSN552
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhbmsqNcrrp
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl17YVx7hpa
Call David.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFkqBzJ65eP
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV9eU7CMGZA
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmWVVFrsbkm
I don't have time to think too hard about it, because all too soon, I'm hearing his sleep-roughed voice.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO3KETsfscn
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtyEjVr8sr2
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1sfuSe2HIp
"Leah?"487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSfhkPCcnHH
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUmaI0pRe1j
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAhL4ylYIgb
"David," I gasp. 487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgtedUPlDRX
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvNN7fr4KOu
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlbl918YdlL
"Leah! What's wrong?" he asks frantically, once he hears my voice.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡigZY1arECO
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrXO5vPeSrz
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaToX46Yd3Q
"M-m-my, m-y side," I stutter out, hoping that he can make out what I'm saying.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvBIOwjXL3S
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxksAP5AkPN
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD8b41eFpIM
I can hear him moving in the background, and I know that he's in his way.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzrFN69MZJM
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZpgAMoRuIc
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolBMj9sQDr
"Are you at home, Leah?"487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoKkc6PYhaW
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXWDh2biS8x
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuw2xCe8J4X
"Yes," I whimper, feeling weak all of a sudden. Too weak. I'm about to pass out.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYNyipTwjRM
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVcqzVfld4p
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0WMcYI6Y0f
"I'm on my way, but Leah, I need you to keep talking to me."487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZBJEyN6fwd
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIJal7chOnH
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAn9TZpqT73
"Hmm," I say, barely able to get anything out.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpexJWDUBt
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkn98p5XLYa
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoY9Yygc9xq
"What's wrong with your side, Leah?"487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv1ODKYB4z5
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQckWMTweJ9
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJsirpTBMZz
I focus on his voice; I focus on him. He's trying, coming out of his house at the ass crack of dawn to take me to the hospital; even as I feel the darkness yanking at me, I fight it.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKTVy96xwpo
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZQMGO8YT4L
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHq9DxVV8G9
"It hurts," I whisper, as if it's some great secret, and in this moment, it is, because I'm not just talking about my side; I'm talking about everything. I want to explain that to him so much, but I can't.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrceIKHsArl
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsTBCe5MGlP
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLK8u0S1pci
When I go to blink again, I don't re-open my eyes.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNj8jMDvM4Z
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPCExJdPbUh
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcgz7L70M4V
I can't.487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtD1pUa5Ybr
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡADZRvNxUYI
487Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi9Aiq8mzId
Oblivion swallows me whole.
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