Last night was one of the most emotionally tumultuous nights of my life.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMROupFuHK0
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ55GbogPUz4
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWw3JhKDfV9
Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone?557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFDK8yYiR0M
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRPdxmvweS
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No.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKj81NysIkB
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEzBbyop6f9
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Then tell him.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEFLJT8W0a6
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFa005zFX36
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I can't.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqFiuJMvfFa
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"I can't," I say out loud as I lay on my back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling above me. 557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnj8Hq0meRR
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8BGbpNx63l
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Truth be told, I'm stuck. I can't move forward from my past, from the pain that I've experienced; I can't let it go.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuDzy5uV3TU
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1iy3hsMgLa
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXlegl3Iqec
But can you let David go?557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFhNg6UtVZR
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAd3LpYh4YK
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPEEBnfNOWk
I try to shut off that annoying voice inside of my head, because the thought of life without David right now is... painful.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwcvEoioJE8
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpJoChY42r7
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Attachment. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL0cyO4esEq
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQavWWlOVtb
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNRbC5NYM4n
I don't want my life without him to feel painful, I want it to feel free. 557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrlWHuHDuR8
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUzpK3JkA3f
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcjf05VtnTw
But I don't.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNpNg5eZlUW
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT3HL0BOs5u
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSnM1cfYo33
I feel entangled with him. I want to be near him, feel him, see him, just know that he's there.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd32IjlceGz
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe49jpf2Lyp
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1aMZLCVZ3d
Have you ever been in the process of falling in love with someone, where you aren't quite there yet, but you can feel yourself plunging into something so unknown, but it's so... blissful?557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkKfxlBS1RO
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXzNn80Zlr4
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Well, it's the opposite for me. 557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQnLBjUuZf
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPawjdrgqeO
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHfGqJOTy1q
I'm not in love with David yet, but I'm sure that pretty soon I will be. I'm free-falling like a dense, metal bucket with no rope or string thrown into a water well. The water at the bottom of the well represents is the love that I, the bucket too dense to float, will sink into and be filled with one day. That's what love feels like; it floods you, it consumes you.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtztv503YMK
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1uVkcAph3
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I haven't hit the water yet, but as I plummet through the dark, cold air, I know that it is coming.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdYA7ZvwssQ
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It terrifies me, because the farther I go, the more and more I realise that I cannot defy gravity; I cannot go back. It feels as if I'm being dragged down towards that damning pool of love against my will. 557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOY8PIsZGIi
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This isn't bliss; it's torture.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaVuc9qAxYz
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***557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3MtpuxI5yO
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I can't sleep.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyWl5r7Mlg3
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The pain in my pelvis is back in full force, and I'm beginning to think that this is due to more than just bad eating habits.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqgsED1zwvF
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsuNqRxXnhl
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"Fuck," I groan to myself as I roll over, clutching the left side of my pelvis in pain. Of course, that does nothing.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAhkYNM6EnS
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKSBZ0L7XCJ
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I decide to get up and do something else; I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. 557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM2HoJXV2UP
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnSz6MaVaiA
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGcVseUi76A
I circle my room, walking around it five times, until something catches my eye. Underneath the dresser, pushed to the back, covered in dust, is a tiny, black album, with a spine which was once bright crimson, but is now a dull red from the dust which has taken up residence on the cotton material. 557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8KWovar6uF
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5qkxAMtyGW
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This is the album with photos from my old life. I put pictures of people I love in this album, but once they all died, I stopped using it.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz9YCZIGY4U
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJnAHYRuPb
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSchYzufbjH
I'm obviously a professional masochist, truly learned in the art of inflicting pain upon oneself, because before I can make a well thought out decision as to what I should do about this little discovery, I am dragging the dusty album from under my dresser and sitting on my bed, flipping it open.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOSfsMEZo9U
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMx4s8KMWcQ
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The first picture is a picture of myself and my mother. This starts up a dull ache in my chest. She was the world to me; she made me believe in myself, and there wasn't a day that I lived in that woman's presence that I didn't feel loved. 557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoz6mBaZhug
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOA6lBRZkkR
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Having your mother die in a house fire when you're fifteen hurts like a bitch, especially if she's even half the mother that mine was. It was just so, abrupt, so unexpected, so... tragic.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTxX0s0GLuv
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The next set of pictures that set me off are Amy's. Amy... isn't just my best friend. She's my sister. 557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcqAnFETbtY
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My mother's death fucked me up; I stopped socialising with people, and I started to shut them out. I didn't get tied to the people who cared for me; once I turned eighteen, I just got up and left. Amy was the only person who I still let in; she had been my friend since I was six years old, and we just never grew apart. 557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIRQk7ubQFe
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When I tried to push her away, she wouldn't let me. I didn't leave her, but in the end, she left me.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQkuCrp4tMg
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEywwPQ2QuR
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For what?557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCPH1hrgLJZ
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUAcuffDQMy
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Nothing.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWg5yzbJYUB
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Amy was actually the one who introduced be to Andrew on my twentieth birthday.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKxxZ2eeTyQ
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvNYQS3Oa25
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Andrew.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIo6pt2I62K
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557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXjgZjJq8wZ
With the tears already welling up in my eyes, I flip the page quickly, wanting to get it over with quickly; but once I see his face, a face I which haven't seen for so long, a face which I have evaded for so long, I throw the album and scream.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMxi42F0GRE
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgNMOmxl5tx
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT2jcJLT5cR
Sometimes, I wonder if something is wrong with me. Most people lose their loved ones, grieve, and then move on with their scars, never forgetting, but always moving forward. Most people can look at a picture of their boyfriend who's been dead for two years now without breaking down into hysterics.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnwwvPVfqHE
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxsMV4v0w84
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I can't.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡowq1G2xi1N
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS201zNEA0h
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO3MK0JpCLq
This is why I try to block all of this out; because I've tried healing. To an extent, it worked with my mother, because even though her death was tragic and unexpected, you expect that you'll outlive your parents; you don't expect them to grow old and die with you. With Amy, it didn't work as well, because she was so young, and I still haven't forgiven her.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsPZdnMNpI2
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557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHZcE8kLJiU
With Andrew? It just didn't work. Period. He was supposed to have children and grow old with me. So here I am, writhing in emotional agony on my bed, sobbing just as hard and in even more pain than I was in on the night that he died. 557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKAxLybfB66
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf6238FM5YZ
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbGlTqG1F39
I can't be healed. Pretending to forget is the next best thing.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡha4Xf3KZIX
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HZrp62xZ6
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When I'm all cried out, the once dark sky is now dimly lit with early morning light. 557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡykii5rDLqL
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNFIVKLTKjU
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI4UHTCi1oi
I just spent hours crying over Andrew; I have to admit, if he were alive, he'd probably feel a mix of guilt and disappointment. That hurts.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR2l206U1hT
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Before that thought can set me off, I close my eyes and will myself back into my closed-off emotionless state.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAoC4z2VrVp
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs5jAKxxuOy
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Why did I bother to take up the fuckíng album? I should have just left it. I should have just—557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEzDuVnifFG
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnDE2ilKBO9
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"FUCK!" I scream, when I feel the pain tear through my pelvis once more; it feels as if it's consuming my entire body.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfP2g8WfB2t
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2n1MZEZq9P
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This definitely is not normal.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVRn6v9cJgK
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"Ahh!" I scream, trying to pull myself up, but I fall back down.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUwF7MZG5Jh
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I desperately feel for the phone, trying to feel for it between the sheets, under the pillows, anywhere — then finally, I have it.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOqTfVZGRkz
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrRcVYXVxc
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWRIGGaGIMK
Then I pause.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYckDSho4IO
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Should I call an ambulance? I won't know how to explain this to a phone operator, and they probably wouldn't take me seriously, so I'd be waiting here forever.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8uutBkAvIu
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWk034mmtE
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Call David.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCWVbShuY1C
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpbUSipdD3o
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I don't have time to think too hard about it, because all too soon, I'm hearing his sleep-roughed voice.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRULqEmrfaJ
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnFaRFMAZvD
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"Leah?"557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPyNvuH3yK6
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtpCUhoa28S
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiNYulTSZFK
"David," I gasp. 557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv8OPjgSkf2
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIesawq1Fpo
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKBgp696N0f
"Leah! What's wrong?" he asks frantically, once he hears my voice.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp14vEX3wBy
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"M-m-my, m-y side," I stutter out, hoping that he can make out what I'm saying.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUmMlHvcOvu
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkI4rtT8aMx
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I can hear him moving in the background, and I know that he's in his way.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn4lcpCMQ3R
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1b6zhOLfKt
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"Are you at home, Leah?"557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwVfddoNPUS
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4e3LjFDTau
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"Yes," I whimper, feeling weak all of a sudden. Too weak. I'm about to pass out.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqIEe4uzrs1
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGhTXtmZ6r8
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"I'm on my way, but Leah, I need you to keep talking to me."557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7avnYLSLkU
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnT2Qzm2uqa
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"Hmm," I say, barely able to get anything out.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbs75QUpH2r
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY7efARG345
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"What's wrong with your side, Leah?"557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTKZEm8XAbz
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoo5PcXeEDe
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg4BrU3WwsU
I focus on his voice; I focus on him. He's trying, coming out of his house at the ass crack of dawn to take me to the hospital; even as I feel the darkness yanking at me, I fight it.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAPB7pR0Z0r
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557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNJdZ8canjV
"It hurts," I whisper, as if it's some great secret, and in this moment, it is, because I'm not just talking about my side; I'm talking about everything. I want to explain that to him so much, but I can't.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡacKznrHepz
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When I go to blink again, I don't re-open my eyes.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡplmSS5flfK
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWRw257SZIH
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡicMLTJSOG2
I can't.557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiYXc8zj6TS
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK9K45qMJyp
557Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnlb7qSsZdd
Oblivion swallows me whole.
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