Why do I have a piece of bovine dung in my hand?
Inside of her head, in her thoughts, Jennifer addressed herself in the third person: No, seriously, Mother Hulker, why are you holding a non-decomposing-semi-permeable-shellack-clear-plastic cow turd?
Okay, stop stalling, and throw the damn piece o' dung.
Jennifer ran towards the edge of the marked off area, and heaved the dung as hard as she could.
Jennifer mentally woke up when she heard the announcer's syrupy voice. "Mother Hulker's toss is being measured at 117 miles! This edges out the historical cow patty toss world record of 111!"
The crowd screamed upon hearing the pronouncement.
My publicist said to participate in the city of Prairie du Sac's annual superhero cow patty toss in the Midwest state of Wisconsin. She was clearly correct. People are forgetting why they disliked me.
"Aside, Mother Hulker" said the next contestant entering the throw area. He grinned and winked.
Jennifer said "Right-o, Leonard."
Jennifer was losing mental focus, and didn't mentally wake up again for a few minutes until she heard the announcer's voice say "Our radar has his toss coming at... wait for it... 129 miles! 'Griz Lee' edges out Mother Hulker's toss, and he's established an even greater toss world record!"
Jennifer thought the crowd looked like they were becoming unhinged with excitement.
Once again, Jennifer experienced a time loss because she had much on her mind. As Jennifer stepped onto the awards platform where second-place winners85Please respect copyright.PENANAPlxJSiS493
traditionally stood, she then recalled she'd had selfies with members of the crowd.
Griz Lee looked up at her and smiled. "By the way, isn't the person on the stand for the gold supposed to be higher off the ground than the person on the stand for the silver?"
"Y' know, Leonard, not if she goes by the name Mother Hulker, a six-foot seven-inch hero."
"Yes, that's true," Griz Lee said. "Look, neither of us can measure up to him - 'Stiletto' - the nine foot, blonde knock-out, that came in third. He was wearing heels, and weirdly, a bride's veil."
Jennifer didn't answer, but beamed from ear to ear instead. The crush of people was being allowed into the room where the winning three superheroes were waiting on the award stand.
From what I recall, my publicist said "You'll be able to rewrite your past with this event."
However, what my publicist couldn't have known is that I'd soon be traveling to the past, to the year 1999. Here, I would attempt to catch the villain BB, that has already traveled back to 1999.
"No one knows that back in the 90s I was on the F.B.I.'s Most Wanted list for computer hacking."
"Mother Hulker!" Griz Lee yelled, looking up at her.
"What do you want, Leonard?" Jennifer asked.
"You just admitted aloud to being a criminal twenty years ago, in front85Please respect copyright.PENANAbRmakBoHx7
of all these journalists!"
Damn, everything's gone to... time to flee!
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