現行大學教育體制下的犧牲品,完畢。
接著說故事。讓我為剛才冗長、不簡略、沒有重點、根本騙字數的自我介紹道歉,這裡我一言以蔽之。
一個小白臉靠老婆過活的日子,以上。
當然有人想問:「這有什麼好說的?」
我會這樣回答:「這小白臉很出名。」
他叫,諸葛亮孔明。
故事的開始有點模糊,因為我記得我人在宿舍,剛吃完一塊雞排、用可樂漱口,沒有刷牙就倒在床上睡著。附帶一提,時間是星期三早上八點,一整天的課大概都得翹掉。121Please respect copyright.PENANAH5RF0qdCxH
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不過那已經不重要了。121Please respect copyright.PENANATzOcUZgT2U
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因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。121Please respect copyright.PENANAbWAf1u4IX6
121Please respect copyright.PENANALUTBPRrjly
那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。121Please respect copyright.PENANAmjOmdxVmCG
121Please respect copyright.PENANA7ud9KCUwpQ
風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。121Please respect copyright.PENANAp7wrOcpfK0
121Please respect copyright.PENANA3dhC0sIKzz
風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。121Please respect copyright.PENANAQVzyyK5XY7
121Please respect copyright.PENANA2VhA3jszLm
那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。121Please respect copyright.PENANAlpw8hl9zIv
121Please respect copyright.PENANAMjdpqPx78V
我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。121Please respect copyright.PENANAgpb3FScJfS
121Please respect copyright.PENANARx6ZVYKGrf
似男類女,撲朔迷離。121Please respect copyright.PENANAj56DqzvuoE
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我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。121Please respect copyright.PENANAuEQcIXhhHR
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甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。121Please respect copyright.PENANAC8fVMRwoOJ
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那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAEHPWcJcCPd
121Please respect copyright.PENANAJLGAMfAmLt
我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。121Please respect copyright.PENANASRsFNMBuPa
121Please respect copyright.PENANAlwBxqKNYt0
我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。121Please respect copyright.PENANApRBO3LCVMQ
121Please respect copyright.PENANASqsolNa7OH
他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAJOlPbxADKd
121Please respect copyright.PENANAHUGmOBbDZ8
我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。121Please respect copyright.PENANAIo9ONAqU9Q
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甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。121Please respect copyright.PENANAvwQnMeL4mB
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人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。121Please respect copyright.PENANAHWPITYTvt6
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這時我只想笑。121Please respect copyright.PENANA7UHyanJrZ2
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我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAITk2ibuFi6
121Please respect copyright.PENANA2D0uHu3Otx
那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAm7CoU40fDc
121Please respect copyright.PENANApqCPOmcTZb
我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAnrJuiJmyf0
121Please respect copyright.PENANAeTqJIt15oi
諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」121Please respect copyright.PENANACcHqKXS6ss
121Please respect copyright.PENANAdxcIM5Qd1Q
我走下床、打開門、走出去……121Please respect copyright.PENANArRjFVv7hvv
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停住。121Please respect copyright.PENANA0ZpmdZ0J5T
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如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。121Please respect copyright.PENANAwkC9bTfGTJ
121Please respect copyright.PENANAuFAnJ1YwIl
刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。121Please respect copyright.PENANA3x9aOdx7eU
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我面無表情關上門,回頭。121Please respect copyright.PENANA4Ty5YG3PRM
121Please respect copyright.PENANA9mx419r3qn
諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAIOaTk7pQfi
121Please respect copyright.PENANAmhPnx0CJsc
諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA99YV8wN8HO
121Please respect copyright.PENANAj3TptZdeLJ
文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。121Please respect copyright.PENANA5w1Gpr8myx
121Please respect copyright.PENANAUMMcp4HMMS
太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。121Please respect copyright.PENANAGjJfqeLqya
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但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。121Please respect copyright.PENANAJcki5AjElm
121Please respect copyright.PENANAiE8A4K5zJo
諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAvK0VLGcfjz
121Please respect copyright.PENANAM0NRJMuLMS
我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。121Please respect copyright.PENANAo6XJQPHMH8
121Please respect copyright.PENANA7yQNnpKAlY
竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。121Please respect copyright.PENANA75tHmq9yDK
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怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。121Please respect copyright.PENANAVTA2YF1pmT
121Please respect copyright.PENANArZGLiqx8tD
萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。121Please respect copyright.PENANApIvtPP0JPh
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然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。121Please respect copyright.PENANAu6dFwDVqKX
121Please respect copyright.PENANA3hujDyNdwD
痛死我,不信也得信了。121Please respect copyright.PENANAgqtnZDncpF
121Please respect copyright.PENANAuMYDQdP4Yw
「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」121Please respect copyright.PENANALLiqZQu6r6
121Please respect copyright.PENANAQwFYj7n2k1
我:「這是什麼情況?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAM3jtxNWCqH
121Please respect copyright.PENANA2LhN1GHjoK
這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?121Please respect copyright.PENANAWP8kP4IEWV
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我絕對沒有打錯字。121Please respect copyright.PENANAlHoKj4ADpE
121Please respect copyright.PENANAl6Lm0suzwV
諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAR7GO9PBwE9
121Please respect copyright.PENANAOy6480CN9f
我:「代替?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAvcI6tg4Bu6
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諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAGSrtH7iLy8
121Please respect copyright.PENANAA0FwvpHiwx
我:「為什麼?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAQxqyAXbKDz
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諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAw4ZoV1vlNn
121Please respect copyright.PENANADI5ykubSLL
我:「那不要說好了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAKMpjGtXDA5
121Please respect copyright.PENANAsr1xV2ACos
諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA9N8r0EJOsO
121Please respect copyright.PENANAvcxSpJmNrP
「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?121Please respect copyright.PENANABbICX4kEsA
121Please respect copyright.PENANAtjILXnxVHg
諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAZqUO3YRsWJ
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也差不多意思。121Please respect copyright.PENANAcEkqzeUEhc
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諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA9xV0n4Ei6g
121Please respect copyright.PENANAeQQoUO6oJF
真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。121Please respect copyright.PENANAhUGHHOoQkI
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諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAK7VjzGQzdw
121Please respect copyright.PENANACudVaQ8l1U
好個有商業頭腦的老頭。121Please respect copyright.PENANAiChofgoObb
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我:「這算什麼錯?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAilKKWMpNT8
121Please respect copyright.PENANAWju3bydh0U
諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAxp9mnJDqii
121Please respect copyright.PENANAgWbOsQ8Hpg
我:「這樣很好啊。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAsDx8LWuaSq
121Please respect copyright.PENANA31ko2uhBeO
諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAiics4IlMXW
121Please respect copyright.PENANAJLSO9NKUo8
……121Please respect copyright.PENANAuL2XmfD0it
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諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAhnJIMFurmK
121Please respect copyright.PENANAIT43h1ehaN
你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!121Please respect copyright.PENANA6NbR2GQAji
121Please respect copyright.PENANAGqU3L98sk3
諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」121Please respect copyright.PENANA3OIyEh4Lv5
121Please respect copyright.PENANA8B8eLC3l2Z
我:「什麼?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAiHtZLDzQbv
121Please respect copyright.PENANAtY6fiY8Wh3
諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」121Please respect copyright.PENANAmmJmZCZhfK
121Please respect copyright.PENANAwApopL3Dld
是報應沒有錯啊。121Please respect copyright.PENANAy3M3O71VKC
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不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?121Please respect copyright.PENANA4WkuugsAGk
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重點是。121Please respect copyright.PENANAEWUXUA2xbr
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怪我嘍?121Please respect copyright.PENANAOXfs0g2g3W
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我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAxmcOc8vGMp
121Please respect copyright.PENANAS37mZby1Mg
諸葛亮:「抱歉。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAkx4MYTrP4m
121Please respect copyright.PENANAZLFQCwiC3T
我:「不接受行不行?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAAZ21UJYXnk
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諸葛亮:「對不起。」121Please respect copyright.PENANASPcnob2kPc
121Please respect copyright.PENANADyrua5P0rK
……121Please respect copyright.PENANAWXVyrXFMwx
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諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA2Ga4t43wcK
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那我大概有三次被抓的機會。121Please respect copyright.PENANAH7q3ONL6yO
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「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAlpDAn6E8qI
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去你妹的。121Please respect copyright.PENANAod8Mvc0zle
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我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAkqDzS75VNG
121Please respect copyright.PENANAFvvs2S0O1P
那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。121Please respect copyright.PENANAJ2kXHs0V8C
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不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。121Please respect copyright.PENANA1S3dQYLXuL
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但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAp7pVc2DQfQ
121Please respect copyright.PENANAP0STiGOCD3
他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。121Please respect copyright.PENANA9hUTHwLBrh
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我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。121Please respect copyright.PENANACQQKUmba9E
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鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。121Please respect copyright.PENANAXN86wpPrWr
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諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAynowe7Sab3
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我無話可說。121Please respect copyright.PENANAVc8gwSiq9V
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諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAp9Qli3ezQc
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我真的無話可說。121Please respect copyright.PENANA1b9cNMdWvx
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諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAzyMfRAwyqU
121Please respect copyright.PENANAFft2fq4W7n
我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAry5Nqrj4tg
121Please respect copyright.PENANAdjx4Hj6OB2
諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」121Please respect copyright.PENANA9ypW6FKfbY
121Please respect copyright.PENANAnIhjYbt2YU
我剛才已經問了!121Please respect copyright.PENANA673qicPHMM
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他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?121Please respect copyright.PENANAubU7zUN4XY
121Please respect copyright.PENANAqGJnghJeis
我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAdd7lBuN6On
121Please respect copyright.PENANAUuyt8u4649
「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAb6OAF1vjAk
121Please respect copyright.PENANAylVIaSuQWB
我:「放心?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAgCRVVBAzpq
121Please respect copyright.PENANAtwOABc19Dv
諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」121Please respect copyright.PENANADq6eSr085v
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我喉頭一澀。121Please respect copyright.PENANAcuAhmB2QVk
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根本笑不出來。121Please respect copyright.PENANAGAnDOgqgNw
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但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA64B3sw5CC1
121Please respect copyright.PENANAQaZ7Pv5iBv
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。121Please respect copyright.PENANAV8b9Hv8aRY
121Please respect copyright.PENANAEFJ3SMGtad
「歷史是會騙人的。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA4bjwxmvq28
121Please respect copyright.PENANAtz6brXKg6f
我的視界陷入混沌當中。
ns216.73.216.146da2 121Please respect copyright.PENANABlGg6s9DBg
不過那已經不重要了。121Please respect copyright.PENANATzOcUZgT2U
121Please respect copyright.PENANAq0aeih0c0Y
因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。121Please respect copyright.PENANAbWAf1u4IX6
121Please respect copyright.PENANALUTBPRrjly
那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。121Please respect copyright.PENANAmjOmdxVmCG
121Please respect copyright.PENANA7ud9KCUwpQ
風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。121Please respect copyright.PENANAp7wrOcpfK0
121Please respect copyright.PENANA3dhC0sIKzz
風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。121Please respect copyright.PENANAQVzyyK5XY7
121Please respect copyright.PENANA2VhA3jszLm
那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。121Please respect copyright.PENANAlpw8hl9zIv
121Please respect copyright.PENANAMjdpqPx78V
我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。121Please respect copyright.PENANAgpb3FScJfS
121Please respect copyright.PENANARx6ZVYKGrf
似男類女,撲朔迷離。121Please respect copyright.PENANAj56DqzvuoE
121Please respect copyright.PENANAlzueWD71EP
我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。121Please respect copyright.PENANAuEQcIXhhHR
121Please respect copyright.PENANAYZQVFsTIPX
甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。121Please respect copyright.PENANAC8fVMRwoOJ
121Please respect copyright.PENANAA7h6HSGhWe
那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAEHPWcJcCPd
121Please respect copyright.PENANAJLGAMfAmLt
我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。121Please respect copyright.PENANASRsFNMBuPa
121Please respect copyright.PENANAlwBxqKNYt0
我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。121Please respect copyright.PENANApRBO3LCVMQ
121Please respect copyright.PENANASqsolNa7OH
他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAJOlPbxADKd
121Please respect copyright.PENANAHUGmOBbDZ8
我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。121Please respect copyright.PENANAIo9ONAqU9Q
121Please respect copyright.PENANAlm5535JV1B
甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。121Please respect copyright.PENANAvwQnMeL4mB
121Please respect copyright.PENANA7z3pluQNIU
人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。121Please respect copyright.PENANAHWPITYTvt6
121Please respect copyright.PENANAGPEuNy3B4K
這時我只想笑。121Please respect copyright.PENANA7UHyanJrZ2
121Please respect copyright.PENANAgxVFkzzojf
我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAITk2ibuFi6
121Please respect copyright.PENANA2D0uHu3Otx
那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAm7CoU40fDc
121Please respect copyright.PENANApqCPOmcTZb
我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAnrJuiJmyf0
121Please respect copyright.PENANAeTqJIt15oi
諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」121Please respect copyright.PENANACcHqKXS6ss
121Please respect copyright.PENANAdxcIM5Qd1Q
我走下床、打開門、走出去……121Please respect copyright.PENANArRjFVv7hvv
121Please respect copyright.PENANAIv4WaOcChD
停住。121Please respect copyright.PENANA0ZpmdZ0J5T
121Please respect copyright.PENANAsCE11Wr3Bw
如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。121Please respect copyright.PENANAwkC9bTfGTJ
121Please respect copyright.PENANAuFAnJ1YwIl
刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。121Please respect copyright.PENANA3x9aOdx7eU
121Please respect copyright.PENANAI4fQGPp5Ps
我面無表情關上門,回頭。121Please respect copyright.PENANA4Ty5YG3PRM
121Please respect copyright.PENANA9mx419r3qn
諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAIOaTk7pQfi
121Please respect copyright.PENANAmhPnx0CJsc
諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA99YV8wN8HO
121Please respect copyright.PENANAj3TptZdeLJ
文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。121Please respect copyright.PENANA5w1Gpr8myx
121Please respect copyright.PENANAUMMcp4HMMS
太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。121Please respect copyright.PENANAGjJfqeLqya
121Please respect copyright.PENANAQQgzCwdRjU
但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。121Please respect copyright.PENANAJcki5AjElm
121Please respect copyright.PENANAiE8A4K5zJo
諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAvK0VLGcfjz
121Please respect copyright.PENANAM0NRJMuLMS
我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。121Please respect copyright.PENANAo6XJQPHMH8
121Please respect copyright.PENANA7yQNnpKAlY
竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。121Please respect copyright.PENANA75tHmq9yDK
121Please respect copyright.PENANAgEqwTAGfjc
怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。121Please respect copyright.PENANAVTA2YF1pmT
121Please respect copyright.PENANArZGLiqx8tD
萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。121Please respect copyright.PENANApIvtPP0JPh
121Please respect copyright.PENANAH9AGyYpaCR
然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。121Please respect copyright.PENANAu6dFwDVqKX
121Please respect copyright.PENANA3hujDyNdwD
痛死我,不信也得信了。121Please respect copyright.PENANAgqtnZDncpF
121Please respect copyright.PENANAuMYDQdP4Yw
「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」121Please respect copyright.PENANALLiqZQu6r6
121Please respect copyright.PENANAQwFYj7n2k1
我:「這是什麼情況?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAM3jtxNWCqH
121Please respect copyright.PENANA2LhN1GHjoK
這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?121Please respect copyright.PENANAWP8kP4IEWV
121Please respect copyright.PENANAefvSpaIFeF
我絕對沒有打錯字。121Please respect copyright.PENANAlHoKj4ADpE
121Please respect copyright.PENANAl6Lm0suzwV
諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAR7GO9PBwE9
121Please respect copyright.PENANAOy6480CN9f
我:「代替?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAvcI6tg4Bu6
121Please respect copyright.PENANAba8sSzKQbp
諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAGSrtH7iLy8
121Please respect copyright.PENANAA0FwvpHiwx
我:「為什麼?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAQxqyAXbKDz
121Please respect copyright.PENANAUhyxxVSPGS
諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAw4ZoV1vlNn
121Please respect copyright.PENANADI5ykubSLL
我:「那不要說好了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAKMpjGtXDA5
121Please respect copyright.PENANAsr1xV2ACos
諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA9N8r0EJOsO
121Please respect copyright.PENANAvcxSpJmNrP
「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?121Please respect copyright.PENANABbICX4kEsA
121Please respect copyright.PENANAtjILXnxVHg
諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAZqUO3YRsWJ
121Please respect copyright.PENANA3FMoj3fqDI
也差不多意思。121Please respect copyright.PENANAcEkqzeUEhc
121Please respect copyright.PENANAgI4rmo2Gwa
諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA9xV0n4Ei6g
121Please respect copyright.PENANAeQQoUO6oJF
真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。121Please respect copyright.PENANAhUGHHOoQkI
121Please respect copyright.PENANAo09RkeaZvM
諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAK7VjzGQzdw
121Please respect copyright.PENANACudVaQ8l1U
好個有商業頭腦的老頭。121Please respect copyright.PENANAiChofgoObb
121Please respect copyright.PENANAZXWdQeQnf9
我:「這算什麼錯?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAilKKWMpNT8
121Please respect copyright.PENANAWju3bydh0U
諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAxp9mnJDqii
121Please respect copyright.PENANAgWbOsQ8Hpg
我:「這樣很好啊。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAsDx8LWuaSq
121Please respect copyright.PENANA31ko2uhBeO
諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAiics4IlMXW
121Please respect copyright.PENANAJLSO9NKUo8
……121Please respect copyright.PENANAuL2XmfD0it
121Please respect copyright.PENANA14HmhneUAA
諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAhnJIMFurmK
121Please respect copyright.PENANAIT43h1ehaN
你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!121Please respect copyright.PENANA6NbR2GQAji
121Please respect copyright.PENANAGqU3L98sk3
諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」121Please respect copyright.PENANA3OIyEh4Lv5
121Please respect copyright.PENANA8B8eLC3l2Z
我:「什麼?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAiHtZLDzQbv
121Please respect copyright.PENANAtY6fiY8Wh3
諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」121Please respect copyright.PENANAmmJmZCZhfK
121Please respect copyright.PENANAwApopL3Dld
是報應沒有錯啊。121Please respect copyright.PENANAy3M3O71VKC
121Please respect copyright.PENANA13WACqIZ5J
不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?121Please respect copyright.PENANA4WkuugsAGk
121Please respect copyright.PENANA1pZ9sErHnQ
重點是。121Please respect copyright.PENANAEWUXUA2xbr
121Please respect copyright.PENANAdRvydjJOif
怪我嘍?121Please respect copyright.PENANAOXfs0g2g3W
121Please respect copyright.PENANAv5xD623gCo
我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAxmcOc8vGMp
121Please respect copyright.PENANAS37mZby1Mg
諸葛亮:「抱歉。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAkx4MYTrP4m
121Please respect copyright.PENANAZLFQCwiC3T
我:「不接受行不行?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAAZ21UJYXnk
121Please respect copyright.PENANA0LFTZcYVYh
諸葛亮:「對不起。」121Please respect copyright.PENANASPcnob2kPc
121Please respect copyright.PENANADyrua5P0rK
……121Please respect copyright.PENANAWXVyrXFMwx
121Please respect copyright.PENANApSPJQf4GG2
諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA2Ga4t43wcK
121Please respect copyright.PENANAIQ2WLmCWXU
那我大概有三次被抓的機會。121Please respect copyright.PENANAH7q3ONL6yO
121Please respect copyright.PENANA7YAdbz4pKh
「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAlpDAn6E8qI
121Please respect copyright.PENANA2aZRf8JHo4
去你妹的。121Please respect copyright.PENANAod8Mvc0zle
121Please respect copyright.PENANAi3TJV1YDPi
我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAkqDzS75VNG
121Please respect copyright.PENANAFvvs2S0O1P
那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。121Please respect copyright.PENANAJ2kXHs0V8C
121Please respect copyright.PENANA8EqZP17lxj
不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。121Please respect copyright.PENANA1S3dQYLXuL
121Please respect copyright.PENANATESELSAKo0
但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAp7pVc2DQfQ
121Please respect copyright.PENANAP0STiGOCD3
他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。121Please respect copyright.PENANA9hUTHwLBrh
121Please respect copyright.PENANACMRTDQOBeE
我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。121Please respect copyright.PENANACQQKUmba9E
121Please respect copyright.PENANAbLZSNtYVTg
鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。121Please respect copyright.PENANAXN86wpPrWr
121Please respect copyright.PENANAeMKmDFiyrd
諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAynowe7Sab3
121Please respect copyright.PENANAT1UslBbkh6
我無話可說。121Please respect copyright.PENANAVc8gwSiq9V
121Please respect copyright.PENANA0ALSovlX6O
諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAp9Qli3ezQc
121Please respect copyright.PENANAN2weAjyR44
我真的無話可說。121Please respect copyright.PENANA1b9cNMdWvx
121Please respect copyright.PENANAO2hKgbvTHr
諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAzyMfRAwyqU
121Please respect copyright.PENANAFft2fq4W7n
我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAry5Nqrj4tg
121Please respect copyright.PENANAdjx4Hj6OB2
諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」121Please respect copyright.PENANA9ypW6FKfbY
121Please respect copyright.PENANAnIhjYbt2YU
我剛才已經問了!121Please respect copyright.PENANA673qicPHMM
121Please respect copyright.PENANATWSpGp6qhU
他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?121Please respect copyright.PENANAubU7zUN4XY
121Please respect copyright.PENANAqGJnghJeis
我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAdd7lBuN6On
121Please respect copyright.PENANAUuyt8u4649
「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAb6OAF1vjAk
121Please respect copyright.PENANAylVIaSuQWB
我:「放心?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAgCRVVBAzpq
121Please respect copyright.PENANAtwOABc19Dv
諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」121Please respect copyright.PENANADq6eSr085v
121Please respect copyright.PENANAVn4VUQBc4v
我喉頭一澀。121Please respect copyright.PENANAcuAhmB2QVk
121Please respect copyright.PENANAeqtlJjseGn
根本笑不出來。121Please respect copyright.PENANAGAnDOgqgNw
121Please respect copyright.PENANAtAWzULPy2c
但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA64B3sw5CC1
121Please respect copyright.PENANAQaZ7Pv5iBv
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。121Please respect copyright.PENANAV8b9Hv8aRY
121Please respect copyright.PENANAEFJ3SMGtad
「歷史是會騙人的。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA4bjwxmvq28
121Please respect copyright.PENANAtz6brXKg6f
我的視界陷入混沌當中。