現行大學教育體制下的犧牲品,完畢。
接著說故事。讓我為剛才冗長、不簡略、沒有重點、根本騙字數的自我介紹道歉,這裡我一言以蔽之。
一個小白臉靠老婆過活的日子,以上。
當然有人想問:「這有什麼好說的?」
我會這樣回答:「這小白臉很出名。」
他叫,諸葛亮孔明。
故事的開始有點模糊,因為我記得我人在宿舍,剛吃完一塊雞排、用可樂漱口,沒有刷牙就倒在床上睡著。附帶一提,時間是星期三早上八點,一整天的課大概都得翹掉。119Please respect copyright.PENANA7xqJobQuSd
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不過那已經不重要了。119Please respect copyright.PENANAZzmyTQt1fB
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因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。119Please respect copyright.PENANAR2pGKt7lSJ
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那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。119Please respect copyright.PENANA9TrV9mhIKn
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風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。119Please respect copyright.PENANA1dhspuqI7h
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風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。119Please respect copyright.PENANA5juVHYRFsY
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那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。119Please respect copyright.PENANA2ZDQQ9YQlB
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我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。119Please respect copyright.PENANAyLlU66o7cT
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似男類女,撲朔迷離。119Please respect copyright.PENANASncJMNaX8e
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我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。119Please respect copyright.PENANARIpDnJhV7g
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甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。119Please respect copyright.PENANAdAcni6kcq2
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那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAnu7FJUK0HE
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我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。119Please respect copyright.PENANAbSwyuwenyA
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我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。119Please respect copyright.PENANAEl0qQP16k3
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他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」119Please respect copyright.PENANANqNy2aYeby
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我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。119Please respect copyright.PENANAaFe0v8hNty
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甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。119Please respect copyright.PENANA7agPVxaqeO
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人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。119Please respect copyright.PENANAQ2ZUrV4iDV
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這時我只想笑。119Please respect copyright.PENANAabxDGPqVoL
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我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAteVgBhY0vQ
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那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA152yP2p1h4
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我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANANKvaubhfpL
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諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」119Please respect copyright.PENANApprxTwUB3X
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我走下床、打開門、走出去……119Please respect copyright.PENANAu6WCwpTPzr
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停住。119Please respect copyright.PENANA7VguYvOClm
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如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。119Please respect copyright.PENANARariYd401T
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刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。119Please respect copyright.PENANAdwL3Zpf3GP
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我面無表情關上門,回頭。119Please respect copyright.PENANAqKSzhyOFty
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諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAIBtdRDMvq5
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諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAgiJxRGVvZ1
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文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。119Please respect copyright.PENANA9HoKaQAb8J
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太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。119Please respect copyright.PENANAWxtiasUK3H
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但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。119Please respect copyright.PENANAcTRFTib1CB
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諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAnYWNwZYchT
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我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。119Please respect copyright.PENANAvNxQZOCx45
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竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。119Please respect copyright.PENANAm6Y63laJMB
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怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。119Please respect copyright.PENANA8fcTm5aN8y
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萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。119Please respect copyright.PENANAITpwAK7204
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然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。119Please respect copyright.PENANAl5UATzquQu
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痛死我,不信也得信了。119Please respect copyright.PENANAFkzt1lHQyo
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「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAinsEijofnn
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我:「這是什麼情況?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA0ABFLBvEvT
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這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?119Please respect copyright.PENANAV8U5OidmHO
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我絕對沒有打錯字。119Please respect copyright.PENANA8QyVXKRTFd
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諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAZaneiiI05q
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我:「代替?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAd8C97p9tBs
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諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAW9X9CDCsKL
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我:「為什麼?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAm5d6sp2pO0
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諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAssrAqQ2OA4
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我:「那不要說好了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAdOc2zVGPZQ
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諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」119Please respect copyright.PENANApXMakNqpJm
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「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?119Please respect copyright.PENANA4UOTt2KC9k
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諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAd2xlg5VakG
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也差不多意思。119Please respect copyright.PENANAyy8zgB4Oj3
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諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA1i8jAxrW1s
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真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。119Please respect copyright.PENANAvfGtGOBL3O
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諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」119Please respect copyright.PENANApiEH7APOES
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好個有商業頭腦的老頭。119Please respect copyright.PENANAAPzLY4rhbC
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我:「這算什麼錯?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAJyGHJERu6h
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諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANANiJM5U45o3
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我:「這樣很好啊。」119Please respect copyright.PENANASIeRHx6etb
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諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA8FyGpX4qKe
119Please respect copyright.PENANASQu09elBds
……119Please respect copyright.PENANAqfqu0zCoKH
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諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA9wLD0yequg
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你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!119Please respect copyright.PENANAWX3oq2DAVy
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諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAOG9xAVRNm6
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我:「什麼?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAQdU95l7EeX
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諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」119Please respect copyright.PENANA1qpfi1dMaN
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是報應沒有錯啊。119Please respect copyright.PENANAe4dGrdPnms
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不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?119Please respect copyright.PENANAIAiozk99MI
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重點是。119Please respect copyright.PENANAh0klfWvG12
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怪我嘍?119Please respect copyright.PENANA4yK9kWJU9v
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我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAzuA4nO5FEG
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諸葛亮:「抱歉。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAKOXyc2JBqd
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我:「不接受行不行?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAPfYiqf1CWf
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諸葛亮:「對不起。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAAFbpf3R0IF
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……119Please respect copyright.PENANAmJJz3G351w
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諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAw4po7MBwk5
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那我大概有三次被抓的機會。119Please respect copyright.PENANA9kvX07VMzb
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「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAIgGW43f4QL
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去你妹的。119Please respect copyright.PENANA28fiHoVDPO
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我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAregNjCswM5
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那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。119Please respect copyright.PENANA2cIMDNhjP3
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不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。119Please respect copyright.PENANASp0S9bprHW
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但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA31ir5KXmgW
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他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。119Please respect copyright.PENANAnaHvTEoZSp
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我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。119Please respect copyright.PENANAodwjJp7ETN
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鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。119Please respect copyright.PENANASnwYFdvcO3
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諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAKHnsBbCwT7
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我無話可說。119Please respect copyright.PENANAhIuCma3bCJ
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諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAjeGlTA633r
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我真的無話可說。119Please respect copyright.PENANAqsEIGR9Mbf
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諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA9vDzMoGPnC
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我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA65qND7X7cG
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諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAmgTfCKWc1l
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我剛才已經問了!119Please respect copyright.PENANAj5m2HdJ6D5
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他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?119Please respect copyright.PENANAN1rOhu8zRW
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我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAM0Ka4i3o2O
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「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA7H1YgzsmV7
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我:「放心?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA7nZ5Xu2iSI
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諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」119Please respect copyright.PENANATPtQm2IZ31
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我喉頭一澀。119Please respect copyright.PENANAfmM9fGnkEo
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根本笑不出來。119Please respect copyright.PENANAPrVbVicNcK
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但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAuzitMnoDRk
119Please respect copyright.PENANAtP9KS7qOKx
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。119Please respect copyright.PENANAzllzxCrRXR
119Please respect copyright.PENANAmSzdJ0hcc3
「歷史是會騙人的。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA5dNOOGMhQX
119Please respect copyright.PENANADVJlNEq0gO
我的視界陷入混沌當中。
ns216.73.216.146da2 119Please respect copyright.PENANA6hwBtH7FrO
不過那已經不重要了。119Please respect copyright.PENANAZzmyTQt1fB
119Please respect copyright.PENANAkstXQwMvZH
因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。119Please respect copyright.PENANAR2pGKt7lSJ
119Please respect copyright.PENANAqNERdVxEQZ
那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。119Please respect copyright.PENANA9TrV9mhIKn
119Please respect copyright.PENANAUwsdya0ANH
風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。119Please respect copyright.PENANA1dhspuqI7h
119Please respect copyright.PENANA0ThYQeGD5C
風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。119Please respect copyright.PENANA5juVHYRFsY
119Please respect copyright.PENANACTOOe4vMb9
那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。119Please respect copyright.PENANA2ZDQQ9YQlB
119Please respect copyright.PENANAe1AUtc04xN
我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。119Please respect copyright.PENANAyLlU66o7cT
119Please respect copyright.PENANA1hBnVAkJSL
似男類女,撲朔迷離。119Please respect copyright.PENANASncJMNaX8e
119Please respect copyright.PENANAjszqzVHTET
我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。119Please respect copyright.PENANARIpDnJhV7g
119Please respect copyright.PENANAA5wBeBJv9T
甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。119Please respect copyright.PENANAdAcni6kcq2
119Please respect copyright.PENANAcfCbVc8IBn
那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAnu7FJUK0HE
119Please respect copyright.PENANAqkEPKu1kRL
我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。119Please respect copyright.PENANAbSwyuwenyA
119Please respect copyright.PENANAcPerjZ2Hu7
我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。119Please respect copyright.PENANAEl0qQP16k3
119Please respect copyright.PENANASkfIRLITcl
他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」119Please respect copyright.PENANANqNy2aYeby
119Please respect copyright.PENANAOlIgZ7Qde5
我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。119Please respect copyright.PENANAaFe0v8hNty
119Please respect copyright.PENANA7YpbV07rlz
甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。119Please respect copyright.PENANA7agPVxaqeO
119Please respect copyright.PENANAA5nWvXdr20
人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。119Please respect copyright.PENANAQ2ZUrV4iDV
119Please respect copyright.PENANAjhwBJMBgka
這時我只想笑。119Please respect copyright.PENANAabxDGPqVoL
119Please respect copyright.PENANA52JWHIw3an
我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAteVgBhY0vQ
119Please respect copyright.PENANAlj7R6ntMP1
那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA152yP2p1h4
119Please respect copyright.PENANArstjpruVML
我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANANKvaubhfpL
119Please respect copyright.PENANAIUfcOqVRnK
諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」119Please respect copyright.PENANApprxTwUB3X
119Please respect copyright.PENANAHYejXvU112
我走下床、打開門、走出去……119Please respect copyright.PENANAu6WCwpTPzr
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停住。119Please respect copyright.PENANA7VguYvOClm
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如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。119Please respect copyright.PENANARariYd401T
119Please respect copyright.PENANARPJuhrG5sb
刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。119Please respect copyright.PENANAdwL3Zpf3GP
119Please respect copyright.PENANAV7q1Io8M3l
我面無表情關上門,回頭。119Please respect copyright.PENANAqKSzhyOFty
119Please respect copyright.PENANAW1ajl3gHJx
諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAIBtdRDMvq5
119Please respect copyright.PENANAc9b7CO2kuS
諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAgiJxRGVvZ1
119Please respect copyright.PENANA3agcaWqvYF
文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。119Please respect copyright.PENANA9HoKaQAb8J
119Please respect copyright.PENANAeRfVVn9hdt
太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。119Please respect copyright.PENANAWxtiasUK3H
119Please respect copyright.PENANAdTzPAfoQJG
但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。119Please respect copyright.PENANAcTRFTib1CB
119Please respect copyright.PENANA6BYFCXejZq
諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAnYWNwZYchT
119Please respect copyright.PENANA4VLOR4uJF1
我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。119Please respect copyright.PENANAvNxQZOCx45
119Please respect copyright.PENANAJWr8tomyZB
竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。119Please respect copyright.PENANAm6Y63laJMB
119Please respect copyright.PENANAulhFBc2iQw
怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。119Please respect copyright.PENANA8fcTm5aN8y
119Please respect copyright.PENANAG6D6C6wO9P
萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。119Please respect copyright.PENANAITpwAK7204
119Please respect copyright.PENANAy9rXghaHJU
然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。119Please respect copyright.PENANAl5UATzquQu
119Please respect copyright.PENANAg8IZ0DtjpU
痛死我,不信也得信了。119Please respect copyright.PENANAFkzt1lHQyo
119Please respect copyright.PENANAy7HY8rVlGp
「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAinsEijofnn
119Please respect copyright.PENANAuGhiRhACO7
我:「這是什麼情況?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA0ABFLBvEvT
119Please respect copyright.PENANA85ZmIruj8p
這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?119Please respect copyright.PENANAV8U5OidmHO
119Please respect copyright.PENANAgbCYePRqp4
我絕對沒有打錯字。119Please respect copyright.PENANA8QyVXKRTFd
119Please respect copyright.PENANADs6WGvVJ6K
諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAZaneiiI05q
119Please respect copyright.PENANA7zGnx5VeTr
我:「代替?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAd8C97p9tBs
119Please respect copyright.PENANAcf4oMDhsyX
諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAW9X9CDCsKL
119Please respect copyright.PENANAVjD2pHFpd6
我:「為什麼?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAm5d6sp2pO0
119Please respect copyright.PENANAhCex9Oug6Z
諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAssrAqQ2OA4
119Please respect copyright.PENANAKb00Lfbg1J
我:「那不要說好了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAdOc2zVGPZQ
119Please respect copyright.PENANAVhGWjXI7Em
諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」119Please respect copyright.PENANApXMakNqpJm
119Please respect copyright.PENANAXe1J2dmhEd
「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?119Please respect copyright.PENANA4UOTt2KC9k
119Please respect copyright.PENANA06mNMAHyo0
諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAd2xlg5VakG
119Please respect copyright.PENANAOBnzBckLMC
也差不多意思。119Please respect copyright.PENANAyy8zgB4Oj3
119Please respect copyright.PENANAmokjNBgo38
諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA1i8jAxrW1s
119Please respect copyright.PENANACobP5t3uie
真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。119Please respect copyright.PENANAvfGtGOBL3O
119Please respect copyright.PENANAnU959DMve9
諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」119Please respect copyright.PENANApiEH7APOES
119Please respect copyright.PENANAfJCjbKr3QY
好個有商業頭腦的老頭。119Please respect copyright.PENANAAPzLY4rhbC
119Please respect copyright.PENANArflNkdj53F
我:「這算什麼錯?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAJyGHJERu6h
119Please respect copyright.PENANAX98MVmh3ly
諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANANiJM5U45o3
119Please respect copyright.PENANANEJQZ0wOzO
我:「這樣很好啊。」119Please respect copyright.PENANASIeRHx6etb
119Please respect copyright.PENANAo4l0roK7EB
諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA8FyGpX4qKe
119Please respect copyright.PENANASQu09elBds
……119Please respect copyright.PENANAqfqu0zCoKH
119Please respect copyright.PENANACb9SU6kU9q
諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA9wLD0yequg
119Please respect copyright.PENANAvRsMxaQxc7
你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!119Please respect copyright.PENANAWX3oq2DAVy
119Please respect copyright.PENANAmbQvPDfJUm
諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAOG9xAVRNm6
119Please respect copyright.PENANA0Tjrk8mVN3
我:「什麼?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAQdU95l7EeX
119Please respect copyright.PENANApXs5h3Wd1d
諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」119Please respect copyright.PENANA1qpfi1dMaN
119Please respect copyright.PENANAxhTsCUoGQ4
是報應沒有錯啊。119Please respect copyright.PENANAe4dGrdPnms
119Please respect copyright.PENANAtyVW7fUqg9
不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?119Please respect copyright.PENANAIAiozk99MI
119Please respect copyright.PENANAFIwSWwnEVy
重點是。119Please respect copyright.PENANAh0klfWvG12
119Please respect copyright.PENANAlXle9ZKBHg
怪我嘍?119Please respect copyright.PENANA4yK9kWJU9v
119Please respect copyright.PENANAyaq4IiM396
我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAzuA4nO5FEG
119Please respect copyright.PENANA6uujl1npyu
諸葛亮:「抱歉。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAKOXyc2JBqd
119Please respect copyright.PENANAl3GB2jxSJM
我:「不接受行不行?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAPfYiqf1CWf
119Please respect copyright.PENANAbnmxHcTJ0G
諸葛亮:「對不起。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAAFbpf3R0IF
119Please respect copyright.PENANAKIEzw95iY3
……119Please respect copyright.PENANAmJJz3G351w
119Please respect copyright.PENANAM153xqMhPE
諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAw4po7MBwk5
119Please respect copyright.PENANAAiSqM7ku5o
那我大概有三次被抓的機會。119Please respect copyright.PENANA9kvX07VMzb
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「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAIgGW43f4QL
119Please respect copyright.PENANAhmy4JXyzjA
去你妹的。119Please respect copyright.PENANA28fiHoVDPO
119Please respect copyright.PENANAORpafji97w
我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAregNjCswM5
119Please respect copyright.PENANAtfxUKhWx6e
那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。119Please respect copyright.PENANA2cIMDNhjP3
119Please respect copyright.PENANAUGJDa80dUd
不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。119Please respect copyright.PENANASp0S9bprHW
119Please respect copyright.PENANAttjm0f9H5F
但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA31ir5KXmgW
119Please respect copyright.PENANA9aDt9qe8mQ
他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。119Please respect copyright.PENANAnaHvTEoZSp
119Please respect copyright.PENANAcHw2XXW3SG
我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。119Please respect copyright.PENANAodwjJp7ETN
119Please respect copyright.PENANA0SjQNjDoFt
鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。119Please respect copyright.PENANASnwYFdvcO3
119Please respect copyright.PENANATmW4O12JaA
諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAKHnsBbCwT7
119Please respect copyright.PENANA9RjIE5XcTr
我無話可說。119Please respect copyright.PENANAhIuCma3bCJ
119Please respect copyright.PENANATUxMAzIGXj
諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAjeGlTA633r
119Please respect copyright.PENANAmcRus9Wo5g
我真的無話可說。119Please respect copyright.PENANAqsEIGR9Mbf
119Please respect copyright.PENANAsFAISZqrX6
諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA9vDzMoGPnC
119Please respect copyright.PENANAQLVCjYdYhN
我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA65qND7X7cG
119Please respect copyright.PENANABn5JNTsjtm
諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAmgTfCKWc1l
119Please respect copyright.PENANALiiDQITYfP
我剛才已經問了!119Please respect copyright.PENANAj5m2HdJ6D5
119Please respect copyright.PENANAn9plKatmmv
他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?119Please respect copyright.PENANAN1rOhu8zRW
119Please respect copyright.PENANANcXI6Fb60U
我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAM0Ka4i3o2O
119Please respect copyright.PENANAS0Fc5MxPCM
「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA7H1YgzsmV7
119Please respect copyright.PENANAS3kyJWO7rp
我:「放心?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA7nZ5Xu2iSI
119Please respect copyright.PENANAOLyc2Qvtxo
諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」119Please respect copyright.PENANATPtQm2IZ31
119Please respect copyright.PENANAk6I7mgtj1Q
我喉頭一澀。119Please respect copyright.PENANAfmM9fGnkEo
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根本笑不出來。119Please respect copyright.PENANAPrVbVicNcK
119Please respect copyright.PENANAvDcWrDCGwE
但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAuzitMnoDRk
119Please respect copyright.PENANAtP9KS7qOKx
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。119Please respect copyright.PENANAzllzxCrRXR
119Please respect copyright.PENANAmSzdJ0hcc3
「歷史是會騙人的。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA5dNOOGMhQX
119Please respect copyright.PENANADVJlNEq0gO
我的視界陷入混沌當中。