Right. Here goes.
I will never willingly show any sign of emotion or weakness. Crying for me is in the strict no-no, no matter how valid the reason for the tears may be.538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOPDCTzV8lF
And now, four-and-a-bit months after my grandfather passed away, I'm still stuck in denial. I refuse to think about it at all, and those pushy little thoughts that have invaded my mind over the past couple of months have all been pushed right to the back of my mind, thrown into a mental pile never to be thought of or brought up again. Or so I thought.
Today I saw a film (The Conjuring 2) that really, really got to me. It shouldn't have done. It's a horror movie. But in the movie there is an old man (only two years older than my grandad was) that had passed away, and this really, really hit me. I sat in the cinema holding back tears and the rest of today I have spent trying to hold myself together.
I did a quick google (I know right, worst possible thing to do?) and it turns out I have a hell of a lot of the listed symptoms for repressed or chronic grief. And the only way to overcome this is to face it... but I can't.538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUIzMv3AXV6
I couldn't deal with it in February because I had deadlines. I couldn't deal with it after then because I had exams. And after my exams I couldn't deal with it because I see my grandma every day and if I'm not holding it together, she probably won't be able to either. It's gone too far for me to face it now, because it's built up too high. It's gone on too long, I'm in too deep.538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQZAObq1nw
I can't afford to have a complete breakdown. I have a job to go to at the weekends, I have errands to run for my grandma most days in the week, I have a dissertation to get started on, I have my last and most important year of uni to prepare for, so a total emotional breakdown is... simply inconvenient at the present time.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this here. Probably because the likelihood of me revealing this to anybody (even my mum or my closest friends) is very, very slim. I don't want their pity, I don't want their sympathy or telling me that bottling it all up isn't healthy because dammit I know it isn't. I'm exhausted, I don't want to engage in social situations as much as I used to, I snap at friends and family for no reason, no matter how much I sleep I always wake up tired and there's this nauseous sickness in my stomach that at times will not go away.538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt2ouLlXZxq
A quote I read described repressed grief as holding back swinging kitchen doors against a pack of hungry wild dogs. That is exactly what it is like. That at any given moment - like today - I can break.538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsITbDEN4xJ
I guess I'm writing this here because this is me admitting that I shouldn't have said everything was fine when it wasn't, that I should have taken the deadline extensions I was offered and grieved properly and fully in February. I should have cried when I needed to, instead of biting my tongue and curling my toes and waiting for it to pass.
This is the first step towards recovery.538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSlqhqgeh8b
But anyway... life goes on, aye?
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