Yesterday, after eight months of work, I finally submitted my dissertation!!!
Without a shadow of a doubt, it was the single hardest thing I have ever done in all my three years at university. Of course it's supposed to be challenging, but there were times where I would completely and utterly break down at the end of a long day researching it. There were times when the tiniest little thing would push me over the edge and I'd be in tears. There were times where I honestly thought I would never manage to write a coherent argument with only 12,000 words. There were times when the sources were so frustrating because after hours and hours of searching online archives, I'd find a source that seemed promising from the title, only to discover it was either totally useless or contradicted my entire point.
There were times when I had to cut out the parts I was most proud of because it didn't fit with the way the chapters were going. It morphed before my very eyes and three months worth of work became redundant within days when the focus of the dissertation altered.
There were days where I felt so low, and so down because it wasn't going the way I wanted. Because I'd spend days on end with no other human contact except my laptop and a written document a few hundred years old. My social life has pretty much become nonexistent. There were, and are still, friends and family that don't understand just how physically and mentally draining writing this thing was. Whilst a few of my friends where whining about writing their 3,000 word or 5,000 word dissertation, they were completely oblivious to how hard this 12,000 word monster was on me.
But when it had been bound... and I held it in my hands, with a spine and a front and back cover... all I felt was pride. Pride that after all this, I achieved it.
This whole process has shown me so much. I have learn a lot about myself and about those around me.444Please respect copyright.PENANAFE3mZiOxG1
- I have I have learnt that some people expect you to support them in everything they do but categorically will not return the favour. Their refusal to bolster me when I needed it, when I needed those words of encouragement, perhaps I can forget. What I won't forget any time soon, though, is that when I felt tremendously proud of what I have achieved, they ignored it like it was nothing. I have poured my heart, my soul, my energy and every single ounce of determination that I have into that written work and for one I call friend to completely and utterly disregard that, yet simultaneously expect me to bend over backwards to support her? This entire process has enabled me to finally say "I'm done" with certain people.444Please respect copyright.PENANAkszOgl7mkF
- I have learnt how hard work pays off, and when the results are published, all I can do is pray that eight months worth of work will have been enough.444Please respect copyright.PENANAhbnR4b1GnO
- Most of all, though, it made me realise that this is what I love. Sure, there were times when the thing nearly beat me. When I almost let it tarnish my love of this subject... but after coming out the other side, I can honestly say that I loved writing it. I loved researching it and finding sources and proving to myself more than anything that I could do it. This is what I love, and however difficult it was, it made me realise more than ever that I am doing what I love. I'm not going to be in uni forever, but this whole process has just reaffirmed that history is what I love and what I want to spend the rest of my life dedicated to.
All I can do is hope that it has been enough, but I can say with my hand over my heart that I could not have tried any harder than I did, and isn't that all that really matters?
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