When did I become so numb?
I can’t do this anymore.
I can’t take it.
I stare at my bathroom mirror. It’s cold in here, but there’s not a single shiver in my spine or a single flash of illness in my blood.
I hate this.
I hate the way I look now.
That empty look in my eyes, it’s a desolate umber, as if something was missing; missing so far away that I won’t even be able to reach it with my scrawny arms. Oh God. My arms.When did I lose myself?
I don’t want to look at them, the scars that litter them, red and blue hues staining the bruises and cuts that I can’t reverse. A strangled hiss rips its way through my swollen, tight throat as I shove my sleeves down and walk down to school.
Everyone’s looking at me.
I already know what they’re thinking, it doesn’t matter to me anymore; what good will any of it change? What good will it do if I ever tried to remember and react?
Everyone’s looking at me.
Dark, Sherine, Light. They’re looking at me too.
Do they know I’m a monster? Will they just leave me where I was before too? Alone. Without anyone to turn to. I’d be fine with that. It is their decision after all..All the words that leave my tongue
I force myself to smile, at least a minute grin. It’s the best I can do. I don’t feel happy, and I know the rest don’t want me to be happy either.
But that’s okay..
It’s their decision.
~Feel like they came from someone else
The last thing I remember. The last thing I remember is that I was playing sports, and I..I fell? No..I didn’t fall. Someone pushed me. Who? I don’t remember.
I sit up on the bed; white. Everywhere. Only a single window lets in a small way of the nightlife through. Where am I?
“You’re in the Hospital.”
I see Light, Sherine. Hospital? Why am I here? Who said hospital?? “Kanato..” Sherine. That’s Sherine talking right..? “Kanato I–we need you to focus, do you remember what happened..?” I exhale a shaky breath, everything is still spinning and I can’t see or think straight. Is it the drugs? Is it the nausea? I hear a muffled voice. New one. I lift my head, I dropped it?
“...he awake..?” 419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfgTXqPweKQ
”Yes, but he’s still unsure of everything.”
”Oh God I hope we’re right..”
Sherine.Where are my feelings?
“Rrrrrighttt about whhhat..?” I slur, what happened? Why am I here? Who brought me— “Hey there Kana-san..” My hand is warm. Dark’s hand is on mine, gripping and releasing steadily. “You okay?” She cares..? Why? I’m nothing more than a monster.
I shouldn’t even be here!
Light and Sherine rush to hold me back down. Why are they doing this?? I need to get out of here! I’m fine! I deserve to be hurt!
“LLLLETTT ME GOOOO!” I continue to shout. But they won’t let me go. Are they here to kill me too? To prove to the world I’m just a monster. Scum of the earth? I bet they are.I no longer feel things
”Guys stop! Let him go for a second.” Dark..? I hear Light sigh softly next to my arm–the one opposite of Dark–. And the grips lessen I until there’s only Dark’s hand on mine. “You better know what you’re doing Dark.” Light comments and I feel my breathing go unsteady.
“Kanato..we really need your help on this. You were knocked out earlier because someone pushed you onto the tarmac. We don’t know who but we think we have a person in mind. Do you remember who pushed you..?” Her small thumb is gently tracing circles into my back-hand. The medicinal haze is wearing off, and the memories are slowly swimming back to me.
”...sylvion...” I mumble, unsure. Was it actually him? It probably was an accident, “Sylvion? Are you sure..?” Sherine asks slowly. Why is she being so careful? No one was ever careful with me so why start now?
Oh, I get it.
She’s afraid I’d hurt her.
As I usually do. I know I should
“Why’re you here..?” My voice. What happened to my voice? It’s so...truthful. “Kanato, please tell us if it was actually Sylvion who pushed you. It’s very important.” “FOR GOD-SAKE’S LIGHT I DON’T KNOW OKAY?!”
”Kanato..” I feel something running down my cheeks. Water. No? Blood. “Kanato. Focus on me. Please.” Dark. Oh god Dark. I face her, head hanging low and my eyes facing the floor, the bed covers are red. Little circles mark the otherwise pristine sheets. “Please look up...there we go, it’s nothing much okay? Don’t worry, “ she paused, her eyes softened, but I could see the hesitance in what she wanted to say next. I'm paralyzed
She’s moving, why is she leaving?! “NO!” She smiles softly. I want to smile. I want to smile but I forgot how to. No one ever showed me that smiling was good. “I’m not going anywhere, I just want you to pass me your arm...can you do that for me? Please?” I shake my head a negative.
If she knew..
If she knew what monster I’ve become...
”Kanato..I—“ she stops again, choosing the right word I guess..
How? How does she know? Do all of them know? “Know what? Ha..ha..hahh.. I don’t know what you know! It could be anything! I know I’m in a hospital and—“ “Kanato it’s okay.” I turn to face Sherine and Light. Light isn’t angry, thank God. Sherine looks worried though, why is she worried?? Why does she care so much about someone no one cared about, ever? Where is the real me?
”Kanato, please give me your arm, I need to re-bandage it. You..you opened up a couple of the cuts when you were thrashing around earlier...” She says slowly, reaching out to hold it. I cave in and let her pick it up.
“What time...what time is it?” “2300” Light responds, I nod, my cheeks are still wet, and fortunately there’re no mirrors in here, so I can’t see my horrid state. “Okay...done! All patched up” Dark smiles and I turn to face Sherine and Light. “I’m...I'm sorry...but why do you guys want to know who pushed me..?” “Vion’s in custody under the suspicion of assault.”
“Wh..What..? Who put him there..?” Light nodded her head and pointed to the other two girls. But.. ”Why??” My eyes get foggy again, everything starts rippling and swaying as I feel myself hit the pillow. “We suspected Vion had pushed you.” I opened my mouth to defend him but Light stopped me, “No don’t say anything yet, it wasn’t an accident. He purposely pushed you and laughed about it later with everyone once you went unconscious. I'm lost and it kills me inside
”So tell us, for the love of God if it was him or did someone or something else hit you?” His name leaves my lips in a shaky exhale and I feel Dark’s weight on me again, she’s...holding..no, that’s not the right word. She’s..hugging? Wait hugging? Why is she hugging me...?
“Thank you Kana-san. We just want you to be safe and happy. Be yourself okay? We’ll walk with you when you’re back at school.” I'm paralyzed
I nod slowly, starting to doze off again out of exhaustion when I hear the door outside click shut.
When did I become so cold?
Im shivering. I tug my hoodie even closer to my body as I try to hide away in it. Vion is back and he’s out of community service. I shuffle to my class slowly, Sherine, Light and Dark don’t share this class with me so they can’t follow. I assured them that it was okay but I don’t know anymore.
“HEY YOU IDIOT.” Fear trickles down from my scalp to the soles of my feet. Sylvion. I ignore him, walking away as fast as I could in the other direction but he runs faster after me and pins me to the wall via my shirt collar. “YOU THINK YOU'RE SOOOOO GREAT HUH?!” He bellowed at me. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO HIM WHY IS HE SHOUTING AT ME FOR?!?! When did I become ashamed? (oh)
”YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD YOU FREAK!! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE IN A COMA YOU NEVER WAKE UP FROM! MONSTER! THATS EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE.” I feel hot tears streaming down my face as I refuse to look up at all, the whole time. My head is pounding like an angry mob is at its door and my heart aches with his words etched in by blade. “LOOK AT ME YOU MONSTER! OR ARE YOU TOO SCARED?? HAHAHA YOU DIDN'T SEEM VERY SCARED WHEN YOU CALLED THE COPS ON ME—!”
A bonk and a crash sent him tumbling to the floor. Who..? I look up, “Oh God..luckily you aren’t hurt more. Come on, let’s go.” Light comments and she pulls my wrist down till we reach the bathrooms. “Why did you bring me here?” She shrugs, “Thought you’d want to clean up a bit.” I nod awkwardly, staggering over to the sinks, wetting my scuffed up hands and starting to wash away my tears.
~“Where's the person that I know?“ I hear someone mumble as I walk through the lonely corridors with Dark. They’re all staring again. But not at me this time.
They’re all looking at Dark.
Hushed whispers fall into silence once she looks up though; and honestly, even I’m a bit intimidated now. I look down at her, she’s not showing any signs of aggression like I always did, but there was an alarmingly peaceful aura flooding fast through the stairs and corridors. “They must have left“ She quotes, staring directly at..Arrow I think. I think that’s who she is. I don’t remember much after that day. I remember people and some names but I can’t really recall my past with them. Everything from that point on was and is just a gut feeling.
Arrow walks over to her and I back down a little bit to give them privacy; it’s the most thanks I can give for the three of them helping me. She whispers something into her ear and I notice Dark’s face scrunch up in disgust.
“Dude just leave him be okay?! He didn’t do anything to you.” She nearly screams, raising her voice with the slightest hint of hysteria and I feel myself shrink deeper into that void that I did before. THEY MUST HAVE LEFT!!!” What the..? “SHERINE!” Dark says and starts sprinting in the direction we came from. I don’t need to think anymore, and I follow quickly behind her. I nearly run straight into her when she stops in dead in her tracks.
”SHERINE SNAP OUT OF IT! CAN’T YOU SEE HE’S USING YOU?! THAT’S ALL THAT MONSTER KNOWS HOW TO DO!” Cleo. My heart drops immediately. I thought I could open up to her! How could she say something like that... The first drip of a tear splashes noiselessly to the tiles below my feet and I start running into the first empty classroom I can find. With all my faith
Shouts echoed through my head like rampaging spirits at a cemetery as I bolted through the door and slammed it shut. The class was big, dim; even the blinds had been screwed shut.
A part of me wants to die.
That part of me wants to believe everything everyone thinks about me. All those comments and all those threats. Yeah..I should really just leave shouldn’t I? It would be so much easier for everyone then. Light, Sherine and Dark don’t have to bother about me anymore, the others won’t be afraid of a monster like me anymore.
Everyone will be free! Where are my feelings?
I make up my mind as I stand and walk towards one of the windows. It’s on the 5th floor, I’m sure no one will be up here to mock me anymore anyways. Even if they did..I’d just smile at them.
They’re telling the truth aren’t they? I no longer feel things
A steady drum beat sprints it’s way down the halls the nearer I get to the window, unlatching it is so easy, it’s as if the whole universe is urging me to do this. If it is then so be it.
I sit on the window ledge for a long while, my lanky legs dangling over the edge as other students walk by; not knowing the source to all their problems will be over and done with in a matter of time. I know I should
The door bangs open, I honestly could care less who entered. It was probably to try and ‘convince’ me that this wasn’t a good idea or that I have ‘so much to live for’ but how does it matter how much you have when you don’t have anyone to share it with?
A quiet, pained hiccup drags me out of it for a second.
(Okay Agust, it’s probably not that sad for you but I nearly cried when I wrote the word before this ok 😅👌🏻) I'm paralyzed
”Dark..?” A panicky sob wracks it’s way through her chest and I almost turn around and run back to her. “PLEASE DON’T DO IT! PLEASE I SWEAR TO GOD PLEASE DON’T!” My heart aches even harder as I hear her literally bawling her eyes out because she doesn’t want me to jump.
I can’t say I don’t care because I do.
I care way to much and this is why I’m here in the first place! So why! Why can’t I just—! “...kanato please...” “Dark you won’t understand. It’s not that simple.” I can hear her sharp inhales and I can almost feel her broken heart. The door creaks a bit again, I frown, looking down and not saying anything. Where is the real me?
”KANATO TEDIN I WILL DRAG YOU BACK IN HERE DO NOT FREAKING DO WHAT I THINK YOU ARE ABOUT TO DO.” Light. I let out a soft, uneasy chuckle. She’s trying to be brave here and say all that, but I can hear the hitch in her voice; I can hear how scared she is too that I’ll fall forwards and just...end it all.
The thought perks me up again and I begin to push myself forward again. I'm lost and it kills me inside
”KANATO DO NOT.” Sherine? They all ran up here..? For what?? “WE CAME TO HELP YOU AT THE HOSPITAL. WE DID OUR ABSOLUTE BEST TO GET PEOPLE TO STOP BULLYING YOU! WOULD YOU AT LEAST GIVE YOURSELF ANOTHER CHANCE?!” Dark’s screaming now.
I can’t tell if it’s just nonsense or not. I'm paralyzed
”FOR GOD’S SAKE WOULD YOU AT LEAST TELL US WHAT ELSE YOU NEED?! WE CAN HELP YOU WE PROMISE!” Light thinks it’s so easy huh? Heh, if that’s what they really want to hear then sure, that works too. It’ll be my final goodbye note.
“I'm paralyzed419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA0QunOau3y
I'm scared to live but I'm scared to die419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYHSaa6tGJf
And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzCJZ1x0jjY
But it's still alive419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoyZinP183W
And it's taking over me where am I?419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6NkoLLrw0V
I wanna feel something, I'm numb inside419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdgS2V9Fl6a
But I don't feel nothing, I wonder why419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKzjHD6OVvY
I'm in the race of life and time passed by419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAGLsWox51R
Look, I sit back and I watch it419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcUAlty91jB
Hands in my pockets419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMBXxaRULtp
Waves come crashing over me but I just watch 'em419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuHiPzkd4Vf
I just watch 'em419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5CJgjOTAvh
I'm underwater but I feel like I'm on top of it419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBVCikkf5HZ
I'm at the bottom and I don't know what the problem is419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ9cdW1cWFn
I'm in a box419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRsRIuKuawB
But I'm the one who locked me in419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwxnc9O8LeH
Suffocating and I'm running out of oxygen”
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZTX49gIR1I
”...Is that what you really think Kanato..?” Sherine asks and I forgo answering, starting to slip off the window ledge. I feel myself begin to fall,
And lower...Where are my feelings?
”NO!!” I no longer feel things
I stop moving. What?! NO! Why aren’t I dying yet?! A snake-like grip tightens even more around my wrist. Light. “LET GO OF ME LIGHT!” She shakes her head hard and a few stray tears fall onto my face, “NO GODDAMMIT I AM NOT LETTING YOU DIE!” I start to struggle, swinging my limbs here and there and the rest of my body weight thrusts against the concrete walls. I know I should
Shouts and gasps shoot around from below us, and I spare the thought to look down. Everyone is crowding around us. They’re all looking at us.
Wait–why’re they horrified?! They wanted me gone didn’t they?! Out of the corner of my eye I spot Sherine and Dark holding out their arms; asking everyone to stand further back.I'm paralyzed
A near inaudible whimper brings my gaze back up to Light. Her grip is still incredibly harsh on my wrist, but she’s starting to loose strength. Another nearly silent sob vibrates through her. “Are..are you crying..?” I ask her. It was stupid I know but Light isn’t the type of person to cry. Where is the real me?
”OH NOOOO! MY FRIEND MAYBE EVEN BEST GUY FRIEND IS TRYING TO END HIS LIFE BUT JUMPING OUT A SCHOOL WINDOW! IM JUST PEACHY AND SMILEY HOW ARE YOU?!?!” I'm lost and it kills me inside
A piece of me breaks.
I'm paralyzed (I'm just so paralyzed)
”Light...let me go.” Where are my feelings? (yeah, I'm just so paralyzed)
”NO! NO WAY IN HELL AM I LEAVING YOU!” I no longer feel things (I have no feelings)
I sigh, letting my sight view whatever was happening down below one last time and I looked back up at her for the final time.
She looked like a wreck.
Her eyes were filled with tears and were all red from keeping them in for so long, her hair was tousled from her panic of running to grab me in time and her mouth was quivering with the urge to scream. I know I should (oh how come I'm not moving why aren't I moving ay yeah)
I had that same feeling once. It wasn’t bad thing, I just miss feeling emotions. Happy ones even. I'm paralyzed
Hopefully I can make others happy by doing this. I looked straight into her eyes and smiled, really smiled. Where is the real me? (where is the real me, where is the real me?)
”Light...thank you for everything. Tell Sherine and Dark that I say sorry to all of you and thank you for making this one of the best times in my life. Maybe we’ll see each other again one day.”I'm lost and it kills me inside (I'm paralyzed, I'm paralyzed)
And with that, I swung all my weight backwards and kicked off the wall, dislodging my wrist from her hand.I'm paralyzed (I'm paralyzed)
And I fell.ns 188.8.131.52da2