I can’t do this anymore. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡua1hyYLwsb 維尼

I can’t take it. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡbdbp2Hqp7w 維尼

I stare at my bathroom mirror. It’s cold in here, but there’s not a single shiver in my spine or a single flash of illness in my blood. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡyxrbrg4kFU 維尼

I hate this. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡ97OMzG575O 維尼

I hate the way I look now. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡjyq5OO7c1R 維尼

That empty look in my eyes, it’s a desolate umber, as if something was missing; missing so far away that I won’t even be able to reach it with my scrawny arms. Oh God. My arms.8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡgnDueyff92 維尼When did I lose myself?

I don’t want to look at them, the scars that litter them, red and blue hues staining the bruises and cuts that I can’t reverse. A strangled hiss rips its way through my swollen, tight throat as I shove my sleeves down and walk down to school. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡQkqmOWSmkS 維尼

Everyone’s looking at me. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡOtm3xV4pGT 維尼

I already know what they’re thinking, it doesn’t matter to me anymore; what good will any of it change? What good will it do if I ever tried to remember and react? 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡz17jBAdchZ 維尼

Everyone’s looking at me.8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MbuA8UfT2 維尼

Dark, Sherine, Light. They’re looking at me too.8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡeHej5J5cWF 維尼

Do they know I’m a monster? Will they just leave me where I was before too? Alone. Without anyone to turn to. I’d be fine with that. It is their decision after all..8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2VubiwY5cZ 維尼All the words that leave my tongue

I force myself to smile, at least a minute grin. It’s the best I can do. I don’t feel happy, and I know the rest don’t want me to be happy either.8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡzJK8UWF3cy 維尼

But that’s okay..8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9FnpjKaNCY 維尼

It’s their decision. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡ189zgJPn3l 維尼

~8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡkjtv3V1CRc 維尼Feel like they came from someone else

 “...he awake..?” 257Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtlCHA1RMZq
8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡlskn48HHT1 維尼

Dark.8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡuTQpwdzW2O 維尼

”Yes, but he’s still unsure of everything.”8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡb6WrnBRwhF 維尼

Light.8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrOAeDVpoR 維尼

”Oh God I hope we’re right..” 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9kVjJkOLc3 維尼

Sherine.8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7DsrOErULA 維尼Where are my feelings?

“Rrrrrighttt about whhhat..?” I slur, what happened? Why am I here? Who brought me— “Hey there Kana-san..” My hand is warm. Dark’s hand is on mine, gripping and releasing steadily. “You okay?” She cares..? Why? I’m nothing more than a monster. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡFNKKgpT92M 維尼

I shouldn’t even be here! 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡyV5GBx8gpG 維尼

Light and Sherine rush to hold me back down. Why are they doing this?? I need to get out of here! I’m fine! I deserve to be hurt! 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡa84qcDW3A7 維尼

“LLLLETTT ME GOOOO!” I continue to shout. But they won’t let me go. Are they here to kill me too? To prove to the world I’m just a monster. Scum of the earth? I bet they are.8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡYcbnARGB1j 維尼I no longer feel things

”Guys stop! Let him go for a second.” Dark..? I hear Light sigh softly next to my arm–the one opposite of Dark–. And the grips lessen I until there’s only Dark’s hand on mine. “You better know what you’re doing Dark.” Light comments and I feel my breathing go unsteady. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2rf8YN78gX 維尼

“Kanato..we really need your help on this. You were knocked out earlier because someone pushed you onto the tarmac. We don’t know who but we think we have a person in mind. Do you remember who pushed you..?” Her small thumb is gently tracing circles into my back-hand. The medicinal haze is wearing off, and the memories are slowly swimming back to me.8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡTp0oST1Eue 維尼

”...sylvion...” I mumble, unsure. Was it actually him? It probably was an accident, “Sylvion? Are you sure..?” Sherine asks slowly. Why is she being so careful? No one was ever careful with me so why start now? 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡv6vDomzLaT 維尼

Oh, I get it.8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5mObdKxaXv 維尼

She’s afraid I’d hurt her.8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡtF9JBxyYg5 維尼

As I usually do. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡpj3TETxnfM 維尼I know I should

“Why’re you here..?” My voice. What happened to my voice? It’s so...truthful. “Kanato, please tell us if it was actually Sylvion who pushed you. It’s very important.” “FOR GOD-SAKE’S LIGHT I DON’T KNOW OKAY?!” 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡFe6ril58eF 維尼

Oh.8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡt8nme6DVnF 維尼

Oh no.8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡ08F0MiWfGg 維尼

OH NO!8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5IM0iMQUAZ 維尼

”Kanato..” I feel something running down my cheeks. Water. No? Blood. “Kanato. Focus on me. Please.” Dark. Oh god Dark. I face her, head hanging low and my eyes facing the floor, the bed covers are red. Little circles mark the otherwise pristine sheets. “Please look up...there we go, it’s nothing much okay? Don’t worry, “ she paused, her eyes softened, but I could see the hesitance in what she wanted to say next. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡdIc8zGKlQ0 維尼I'm paralyzed

She’s moving, why is she leaving?! “NO!” She smiles softly. I want to smile. I want to smile but I forgot how to. No one ever showed me that smiling was good. “I’m not going anywhere, I just want you to pass me your arm...can you do that for me? Please?” I shake my head a negative. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡllkaJ4y4LT 維尼

If she knew..8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8NwjF4Frql 維尼

If she knew what monster I’ve become...8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡaJRhDhzJ5R 維尼

”Kanato..I—“ she stops again, choosing the right word I guess..8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8eVBTz8NZZ 維尼

”I know.” 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡzkwQ7voWk6 維尼

How? How does she know? Do all of them know? “Know what? Ha..ha..hahh.. I don’t know what you know! It could be anything! I know I’m in a hospital and—“ “Kanato it’s okay.” I turn to face Sherine and Light. Light isn’t angry, thank God. Sherine looks worried though, why is she worried?? Why does she care so much about someone no one cared about, ever? 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡEVALPPfuXz 維尼Where is the real me?

”Kanato, please give me your arm, I need to re-bandage it. You..you opened up a couple of the cuts when you were thrashing around earlier...” She says slowly, reaching out to hold it. I cave in and let her pick it up. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡlEjZ0PzFOQ 維尼

“What time...what time is it?” “2300” Light responds, I nod, my cheeks are still wet, and fortunately there’re no mirrors in here, so I can’t see my horrid state. “Okay...done! All patched up” Dark smiles and I turn to face Sherine and Light. “I’m...I'm sorry...but why do you guys want to know who pushed me..?” “Vion’s in custody under the suspicion of assault.”8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2QY0Qa9Rj 維尼

I froze. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡpyKJNjAeVX 維尼

“Wh..What..? Who put him there..?” Light nodded her head and pointed to the other two girls. But.. ”Why??” My eyes get foggy again, everything starts rippling and swaying as I feel myself hit the pillow. “We suspected Vion had pushed you.” I opened my mouth to defend him but Light stopped me, “No don’t say anything yet, it wasn’t an accident. He purposely pushed you and laughed about it later with everyone once you went unconscious. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8e1q6XJ0NC 維尼I'm lost and it kills me inside

”So tell us, for the love of God if it was him or did someone or something else hit you?” His name leaves my lips in a shaky exhale and I feel Dark’s weight on me again, she’s...holding..no, that’s not the right word. She’s..hugging? Wait hugging? Why is she hugging me...? 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡhcPtwvVSPY 維尼

“Thank you Kana-san. We just want you to be safe and happy. Be yourself okay? We’ll walk with you when you’re back at school.” 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡYv17TsNaTR 維尼I'm paralyzed

Im shivering. I tug my hoodie even closer to my body as I try to hide away in it. Vion is back and he’s out of community service. I shuffle to my class slowly, Sherine, Light and Dark don’t share this class with me so they can’t follow. I assured them that it was okay but I don’t know anymore. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡU4lAkVMKNV 維尼

“HEY YOU IDIOT.” Fear trickles down from my scalp to the soles of my feet. Sylvion. I ignore him, walking away as fast as I could in the other direction but he runs faster after me and pins me to the wall via my shirt collar. “YOU THINK YOU'RE SOOOOO GREAT HUH?!” He bellowed at me. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO HIM WHY IS HE SHOUTING AT ME FOR?!?! 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡouSQHRo48e 維尼When did I become ashamed? (oh)

”YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD YOU FREAK!! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE IN A COMA YOU NEVER WAKE UP FROM! MONSTER! THATS EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE.” I feel hot tears streaming down my face as I refuse to look up at all, the whole time. My head is pounding like an angry mob is at its door and my heart aches with his words etched in by blade. “LOOK AT ME YOU MONSTER! OR ARE YOU TOO SCARED?? HAHAHA YOU DIDN'T SEEM VERY SCARED WHEN YOU CALLED THE COPS ON ME—!” 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡvvlWLgLKxE 維尼

A bonk and a crash sent him tumbling to the floor. Who..? I look up, “Oh God..luckily you aren’t hurt more. Come on, let’s go.” Light comments and she pulls my wrist down till we reach the bathrooms. “Why did you bring me here?” She shrugs, “Thought you’d want to clean up a bit.” I nod awkwardly, staggering over to the sinks, wetting my scuffed up hands and starting to wash away my tears. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡeHPND2klrw 維尼

~8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡOVSExPQRiH 維尼“Where's the person that I know?“ I hear someone mumble as I walk through the lonely corridors with Dark. They’re all staring again. But not at me this time. 

This time..8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡO1sJ6jJKt2 維尼

They’re all looking at Dark. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡCSPW7hramq 維尼

Hushed whispers fall into silence once she looks up though; and honestly, even I’m a bit intimidated now. I look down at her, she’s not showing any signs of aggression like I always did, but there was an alarmingly peaceful aura flooding fast through the stairs and corridors. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡZhXOZBno5u 維尼“They must have left“ She quotes, staring directly at..Arrow I think. I think that’s who she is. I don’t remember much after that day. I remember people and some names but I can’t really recall my past with them. Everything from that point on was and is just a gut feeling. 

Arrow walks over to her and I back down a little bit to give them privacy; it’s the most thanks I can give for the three of them helping me. She whispers something into her ear and I notice Dark’s face scrunch up in disgust. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡUBgaFVJoAo 維尼

“Dude just leave him be okay?! He didn’t do anything to you.” She nearly screams, raising her voice with the slightest hint of hysteria and I feel myself shrink deeper into that void that I did before. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZk5R8wRhW 維尼“THEY MUST HAVE LEFT!!!” What the..? “SHERINE!” Dark says and starts sprinting in the direction we came from. I don’t need to think anymore, and I follow quickly behind her. I nearly run straight into her when she stops in dead in her tracks.

”SHERINE SNAP OUT OF IT! CAN’T YOU SEE HE’S USING YOU?! THAT’S ALL THAT MONSTER KNOWS HOW TO DO!” Cleo. My heart drops immediately. I thought I could open up to her! How could she say something like that... The first drip of a tear splashes noiselessly to the tiles below my feet and I start running into the first empty classroom I can find. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡxp1McLpu5O 維尼With all my faith

Everyone will be free! 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡcLQKxYBlzc 維尼Where are my feelings?

I make up my mind as I stand and walk towards one of the windows. It’s on the 5th floor, I’m sure no one will be up here to mock me anymore anyways. Even if they did..I’d just smile at them. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡh0jZT5xwt7 維尼

They’re telling the truth aren’t they? 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡxagDXS67WV 維尼I no longer feel things

A steady drum beat sprints it’s way down the halls the nearer I get to the window, unlatching it is so easy, it’s as if the whole universe is urging me to do this. If it is then so be it. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡSguUpv10H4 維尼

I sit on the window ledge for a long while, my lanky legs dangling over the edge as other students walk by; not knowing the source to all their problems will be over and done with in a matter of time. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡd8t7hDThgz 維尼I know I should

The door bangs open, I honestly could care less who entered. It was probably to try and ‘convince’ me that this wasn’t a good idea or that I have ‘so much to live for’ but how does it matter how much you have when you don’t have anyone to share it with?8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0zynsq4oDx 維尼

A quiet, pained hiccup drags me out of it for a second. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡyAxoI0uWjI 維尼

Is that...?8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡ42YR6NfrPn 維尼

”KANATO!”8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡFdSawIPCCE 維尼

 (Okay Agust, it’s probably not that sad for you but I nearly cried when I wrote the word before this ok 😅👌🏻) 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1YyM14YNSc 維尼I'm paralyzed

”Dark..?” A panicky sob wracks it’s way through her chest and I almost turn around and run back to her. “PLEASE DON’T DO IT! PLEASE I SWEAR TO GOD PLEASE DON’T!” My heart aches even harder as I hear her literally bawling her eyes out because she doesn’t want me to jump. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡInn32FbXmT 維尼

I can’t say I don’t care because I do. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡQOrgM35eXZ 維尼

I care way to much and this is why I’m here in the first place! So why! Why can’t I just—! “...kanato please...” “Dark you won’t understand. It’s not that simple.” I can hear her sharp inhales and I can almost feel her broken heart. The door creaks a bit again, I frown, looking down and not saying anything. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡVLhAXBlL0v 維尼Where is the real me?

”KANATO TEDIN I WILL DRAG YOU BACK IN HERE DO NOT FREAKING DO WHAT I THINK YOU ARE ABOUT TO DO.” Light. I let out a soft, uneasy chuckle. She’s trying to be brave here and say all that, but I can hear the hitch in her voice; I can hear how scared she is too that I’ll fall forwards and just...end it all. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡTFpMKotTn8 維尼

The thought perks me up again and I begin to push myself forward again. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡQo87eUquKN 維尼I'm lost and it kills me inside

”KANATO DO NOT.” Sherine? They all ran up here..? For what?? “WE CAME TO HELP YOU AT THE HOSPITAL. WE DID OUR ABSOLUTE BEST TO GET PEOPLE TO STOP BULLYING YOU! WOULD YOU AT LEAST GIVE YOURSELF ANOTHER CHANCE?!” Dark’s screaming now.8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1LGyU5PT43 維尼

I can’t tell if it’s just nonsense or not. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡjr54HaEese 維尼I'm paralyzed

Silence.8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡDFHqxrPbOT 維尼

”...Is that what you really think Kanato..?” Sherine asks and I forgo answering, starting to slip off the window ledge. I feel myself begin to fall,8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡcp45WXKiQj 維尼

Lower8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡpdhFnJej7D 維尼

And lower8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡiAiuV7Dko8 維尼

And lower...8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡxUwdK7WUL3 維尼Where are my feelings?

”NO!!” 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡxPhqjTRley 維尼I no longer feel things

I stop moving. What?! NO! Why aren’t I dying yet?! A snake-like grip tightens even more around my wrist. Light. “LET GO OF ME LIGHT!” She shakes her head hard and a few stray tears fall onto my face, “NO GODDAMMIT I AM NOT LETTING YOU DIE!” I start to struggle, swinging my limbs here and there and the rest of my body weight thrusts against the concrete walls. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJV0P10Hcz 維尼I know I should

Shouts and gasps shoot around from below us, and I spare the thought to look down. Everyone is crowding around us. They’re all looking at us. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡVoGTQCUd6S 維尼

Staring horrified.8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡSzcSwxD9fQ 維尼

Wait–why’re they horrified?! They wanted me gone didn’t they?! Out of the corner of my eye I spot Sherine and Dark holding out their arms; asking everyone to stand further back.8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7f1mlfPe9W 維尼I'm paralyzed

A near inaudible whimper brings my gaze back up to Light. Her grip is still incredibly harsh on my wrist, but she’s starting to loose strength. Another nearly silent sob vibrates through her. “Are..are you crying..?” I ask her. It was stupid I know but Light isn’t the type of person to cry. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡQfqNmEkC6T 維尼Where is the real me?

”OH NOOOO! MY FRIEND MAYBE EVEN BEST GUY FRIEND IS TRYING TO END HIS LIFE BUT JUMPING OUT A SCHOOL WINDOW! IM JUST PEACHY AND SMILEY HOW ARE YOU?!?!” 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡHKtohvlFTb 維尼I'm lost and it kills me inside

”Light...let me go.” 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡmM1lrFkDe5 維尼Where are my feelings? (yeah, I'm just so paralyzed)

”NO! NO WAY IN HELL AM I LEAVING YOU!” 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡkywoQiFYPR 維尼I no longer feel things (I have no feelings)

I sigh, letting my sight view whatever was happening down below one last time and I looked back up at her for the final time. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡQO1Qkz578O 維尼

She looked like a wreck. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡmi6QwLhYg4 維尼

Her eyes were filled with tears and were all red from keeping them in for so long, her hair was tousled from her panic of running to grab me in time and her mouth was quivering with the urge to scream. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡL3dRhN6OUr 維尼I know I should (oh how come I'm not moving why aren't I moving ay yeah)

I had that same feeling once. It wasn’t bad thing, I just miss feeling emotions. Happy ones even. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡktAVOcyoVD 維尼I'm paralyzed

Hopefully I can make others happy by doing this. I looked straight into her eyes and smiled, really smiled. 8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡBiLJIusAMj 維尼Where is the real me? (where is the real me, where is the real me?)

”Light...thank you for everything. Tell Sherine and Dark that I say sorry to all of you and thank you for making this one of the best times in my life. Maybe we’ll see each other again one day.”8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡO5dcch2F2i 維尼I'm lost and it kills me inside (I'm paralyzed, I'm paralyzed)

And with that, I swung all my weight backwards and kicked off the wall, dislodging my wrist from her hand.8964 copyright protection253ＰＥＮＡＮＡdGa6ler86I 維尼I'm paralyzed (I'm paralyzed)