現行大學教育體制下的犧牲品,完畢。
接著說故事。讓我為剛才冗長、不簡略、沒有重點、根本騙字數的自我介紹道歉,這裡我一言以蔽之。
一個小白臉靠老婆過活的日子,以上。
當然有人想問:「這有什麼好說的?」
我會這樣回答:「這小白臉很出名。」
他叫,諸葛亮孔明。
故事的開始有點模糊,因為我記得我人在宿舍,剛吃完一塊雞排、用可樂漱口,沒有刷牙就倒在床上睡著。附帶一提,時間是星期三早上八點,一整天的課大概都得翹掉。121Please respect copyright.PENANAYA8bJIhHks
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不過那已經不重要了。121Please respect copyright.PENANAGf5vLvyws0
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因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。121Please respect copyright.PENANA6XV4TFYN6L
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那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。121Please respect copyright.PENANAhA1ufJBK4x
121Please respect copyright.PENANAYOg7VycJdk
風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。121Please respect copyright.PENANAoX6CvXnCAr
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風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。121Please respect copyright.PENANA1qDFxAK5Mz
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那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。121Please respect copyright.PENANACaHO0ks2dZ
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我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。121Please respect copyright.PENANASwEIgAHBOe
121Please respect copyright.PENANAxS2AVSdPCt
似男類女,撲朔迷離。121Please respect copyright.PENANANcjr1begw2
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我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。121Please respect copyright.PENANAAZ7O8gT5dZ
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甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。121Please respect copyright.PENANAfHRZPz5JlN
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那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAcokehMHtLj
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我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。121Please respect copyright.PENANAW1s6LtituA
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我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。121Please respect copyright.PENANAsv0asQ3vMj
121Please respect copyright.PENANAkmemILZSui
他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」121Please respect copyright.PENANArDGjeJqQh9
121Please respect copyright.PENANAYOYb28szGG
我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。121Please respect copyright.PENANAIxx2pBIzwB
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甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。121Please respect copyright.PENANAzpCPV2RofY
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人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。121Please respect copyright.PENANAyO2E2gJwfU
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這時我只想笑。121Please respect copyright.PENANA4cTNwHhY2j
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我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAdUPjZgi7AN
121Please respect copyright.PENANAowM4ESqIch
那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAWBxbDvyV9a
121Please respect copyright.PENANAq4uZhfZSVd
我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA0HFSNpU2ac
121Please respect copyright.PENANAh1cHNlTypl
諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAD7bI3qVOvP
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我走下床、打開門、走出去……121Please respect copyright.PENANAz1dPlIa0eC
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停住。121Please respect copyright.PENANA8B2cSLmLcW
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如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。121Please respect copyright.PENANAP9iOrysYd0
121Please respect copyright.PENANAWfueTwPYX6
刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。121Please respect copyright.PENANAI3TAhsTDhl
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我面無表情關上門,回頭。121Please respect copyright.PENANAYwGOgvOQFM
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諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAen7aKTUVZ0
121Please respect copyright.PENANASmKORbUehN
諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAkBiccD8aUj
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文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。121Please respect copyright.PENANAUc15Pjr6QD
121Please respect copyright.PENANAznQbZRCYFl
太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。121Please respect copyright.PENANAktHAtuscl0
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但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。121Please respect copyright.PENANApH3KLyVjEI
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諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAAq7pa4pCRG
121Please respect copyright.PENANAjyX75j9Org
我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。121Please respect copyright.PENANAoiZJTxPNcb
121Please respect copyright.PENANA24ZYv91KCT
竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。121Please respect copyright.PENANASI6dwzrgnW
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怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。121Please respect copyright.PENANANaoYWVFErv
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萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。121Please respect copyright.PENANADnqnuZNBaX
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然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。121Please respect copyright.PENANATdclu6t98a
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痛死我,不信也得信了。121Please respect copyright.PENANAB3xrDBV95i
121Please respect copyright.PENANAgTgNz8pCRE
「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAZ3Z83nx4xB
121Please respect copyright.PENANAbHH4RUlJKL
我:「這是什麼情況?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAllrzf4Jxg8
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這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?121Please respect copyright.PENANAHmUREQICnl
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我絕對沒有打錯字。121Please respect copyright.PENANABcQ18s8506
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諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAv4v5y45yE9
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我:「代替?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAyVJshMpgak
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諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAgge5hdntvv
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我:「為什麼?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAZ0Q5pdhNMU
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諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA2t3d97dumI
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我:「那不要說好了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANALX3wdmPsHq
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諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA2CL4u4GEiL
121Please respect copyright.PENANA27griGXEoi
「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?121Please respect copyright.PENANAF5mWohqX1I
121Please respect copyright.PENANAOFCBoHOUaq
諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAh6NcY5p3pw
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也差不多意思。121Please respect copyright.PENANAUu4NldXzuo
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諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAqUE75Ync3I
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真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。121Please respect copyright.PENANAGRhZXuMxiI
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諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAfbDE1Eo2YK
121Please respect copyright.PENANAn9aA8i7xts
好個有商業頭腦的老頭。121Please respect copyright.PENANAKCYdQlvjS1
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我:「這算什麼錯?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAUad2YFkaH0
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諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAuSzyGn5NSP
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我:「這樣很好啊。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA9guJGFitQt
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諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAS3LAgrMT34
121Please respect copyright.PENANABKfz8Yn6f0
……121Please respect copyright.PENANAMxNrnyJBsI
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諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAI03cjxIWqp
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你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!121Please respect copyright.PENANAZrXi7mists
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諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」121Please respect copyright.PENANANKUgQF0i4G
121Please respect copyright.PENANAXehAjgNe1R
我:「什麼?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAmdKRm8JRPq
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諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」121Please respect copyright.PENANAXh9SWoW21i
121Please respect copyright.PENANACDZSPvMbFo
是報應沒有錯啊。121Please respect copyright.PENANAG5qKQpFGSB
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不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?121Please respect copyright.PENANAkup9isqQIj
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重點是。121Please respect copyright.PENANATzmmHaDHs0
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怪我嘍?121Please respect copyright.PENANAnOe037c9ma
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我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」121Please respect copyright.PENANA4fSC38b4Ew
121Please respect copyright.PENANAlz0favKHpH
諸葛亮:「抱歉。」121Please respect copyright.PENANANoSCxzdcJD
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我:「不接受行不行?」121Please respect copyright.PENANA2oQ8NeGut8
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諸葛亮:「對不起。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAnEtcjSF971
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……121Please respect copyright.PENANAB3HhQ9UYyk
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諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAHKuy2jvAx6
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那我大概有三次被抓的機會。121Please respect copyright.PENANAXa14bdFOZs
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「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」121Please respect copyright.PENANADTuotHCuSr
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去你妹的。121Please respect copyright.PENANAXWdL4CJNul
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我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」121Please respect copyright.PENANArHdm41CgUV
121Please respect copyright.PENANAzKKLde5JQh
那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。121Please respect copyright.PENANArATMfI6vma
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不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。121Please respect copyright.PENANAKE77r5OcME
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但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAYYse3pjJeF
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他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。121Please respect copyright.PENANAly4WaVgzHx
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我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。121Please respect copyright.PENANA17rIuHywQq
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鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。121Please respect copyright.PENANAP0qQXCk8mR
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諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAkDzzK02kPO
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我無話可說。121Please respect copyright.PENANA9YOE2SyCKY
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諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAn5nk4Bu6RH
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我真的無話可說。121Please respect copyright.PENANAjN0eJQ87tx
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諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA4lEyZWHSpB
121Please respect copyright.PENANA2KbIUxMnPz
我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAjzyexbhMBs
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諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAnauvqVkVCC
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我剛才已經問了!121Please respect copyright.PENANAeoBb0GjTcH
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他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?121Please respect copyright.PENANATueYnrtBan
121Please respect copyright.PENANA1si5aTIdWG
我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAswU0ISn23D
121Please respect copyright.PENANAvtAcWEAtdz
「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA51EbkSzX3F
121Please respect copyright.PENANA9OLIoqmGH9
我:「放心?」121Please respect copyright.PENANALbepg4E0We
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諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA12t0POqvLh
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我喉頭一澀。121Please respect copyright.PENANAk6daPyhD2C
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根本笑不出來。121Please respect copyright.PENANACSFBjFKFlz
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但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAhnS7yl4Njr
121Please respect copyright.PENANALyCTdD3DrZ
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。121Please respect copyright.PENANAxHU0DvEoE0
121Please respect copyright.PENANAmBbEeGKmA7
「歷史是會騙人的。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAxOpCsRZgTL
121Please respect copyright.PENANAVpJ1Pdjzin
我的視界陷入混沌當中。
ns216.73.216.146da2 121Please respect copyright.PENANAkvfXXZXqpr
不過那已經不重要了。121Please respect copyright.PENANAGf5vLvyws0
121Please respect copyright.PENANAPUikwwiqHA
因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。121Please respect copyright.PENANA6XV4TFYN6L
121Please respect copyright.PENANAbk7gawVHDX
那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。121Please respect copyright.PENANAhA1ufJBK4x
121Please respect copyright.PENANAYOg7VycJdk
風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。121Please respect copyright.PENANAoX6CvXnCAr
121Please respect copyright.PENANAsdOulDOKCj
風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。121Please respect copyright.PENANA1qDFxAK5Mz
121Please respect copyright.PENANAUlR6FJAsUw
那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。121Please respect copyright.PENANACaHO0ks2dZ
121Please respect copyright.PENANAt0G333Vv4g
我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。121Please respect copyright.PENANASwEIgAHBOe
121Please respect copyright.PENANAxS2AVSdPCt
似男類女,撲朔迷離。121Please respect copyright.PENANANcjr1begw2
121Please respect copyright.PENANAABL2MV31Yu
我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。121Please respect copyright.PENANAAZ7O8gT5dZ
121Please respect copyright.PENANANPtBADf1G0
甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。121Please respect copyright.PENANAfHRZPz5JlN
121Please respect copyright.PENANAY9yMXwPuVC
那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAcokehMHtLj
121Please respect copyright.PENANAeCExcY4UNH
我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。121Please respect copyright.PENANAW1s6LtituA
121Please respect copyright.PENANA8vaCzBiTp9
我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。121Please respect copyright.PENANAsv0asQ3vMj
121Please respect copyright.PENANAkmemILZSui
他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」121Please respect copyright.PENANArDGjeJqQh9
121Please respect copyright.PENANAYOYb28szGG
我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。121Please respect copyright.PENANAIxx2pBIzwB
121Please respect copyright.PENANANtYZG7649F
甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。121Please respect copyright.PENANAzpCPV2RofY
121Please respect copyright.PENANAjl861yDdtV
人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。121Please respect copyright.PENANAyO2E2gJwfU
121Please respect copyright.PENANA7AcRDUiyDl
這時我只想笑。121Please respect copyright.PENANA4cTNwHhY2j
121Please respect copyright.PENANAnBuQKJUxtN
我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAdUPjZgi7AN
121Please respect copyright.PENANAowM4ESqIch
那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAWBxbDvyV9a
121Please respect copyright.PENANAq4uZhfZSVd
我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA0HFSNpU2ac
121Please respect copyright.PENANAh1cHNlTypl
諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAD7bI3qVOvP
121Please respect copyright.PENANAuC5983zPd2
我走下床、打開門、走出去……121Please respect copyright.PENANAz1dPlIa0eC
121Please respect copyright.PENANA01XLUaR6OA
停住。121Please respect copyright.PENANA8B2cSLmLcW
121Please respect copyright.PENANAaH9kqJZu2E
如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。121Please respect copyright.PENANAP9iOrysYd0
121Please respect copyright.PENANAWfueTwPYX6
刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。121Please respect copyright.PENANAI3TAhsTDhl
121Please respect copyright.PENANA1YASNiJEvW
我面無表情關上門,回頭。121Please respect copyright.PENANAYwGOgvOQFM
121Please respect copyright.PENANAvOzja5OAuS
諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAen7aKTUVZ0
121Please respect copyright.PENANASmKORbUehN
諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAkBiccD8aUj
121Please respect copyright.PENANAQFZW2oRPLA
文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。121Please respect copyright.PENANAUc15Pjr6QD
121Please respect copyright.PENANAznQbZRCYFl
太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。121Please respect copyright.PENANAktHAtuscl0
121Please respect copyright.PENANAizOAxkU1Xo
但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。121Please respect copyright.PENANApH3KLyVjEI
121Please respect copyright.PENANA4uZAIjvkwX
諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAAq7pa4pCRG
121Please respect copyright.PENANAjyX75j9Org
我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。121Please respect copyright.PENANAoiZJTxPNcb
121Please respect copyright.PENANA24ZYv91KCT
竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。121Please respect copyright.PENANASI6dwzrgnW
121Please respect copyright.PENANARU6ouYoOmy
怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。121Please respect copyright.PENANANaoYWVFErv
121Please respect copyright.PENANAxwoa0Dxagq
萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。121Please respect copyright.PENANADnqnuZNBaX
121Please respect copyright.PENANA491dqJh0Ph
然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。121Please respect copyright.PENANATdclu6t98a
121Please respect copyright.PENANAgYOEQy4XSA
痛死我,不信也得信了。121Please respect copyright.PENANAB3xrDBV95i
121Please respect copyright.PENANAgTgNz8pCRE
「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAZ3Z83nx4xB
121Please respect copyright.PENANAbHH4RUlJKL
我:「這是什麼情況?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAllrzf4Jxg8
121Please respect copyright.PENANAK5uP9aIG3B
這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?121Please respect copyright.PENANAHmUREQICnl
121Please respect copyright.PENANAmxtx8FLFgo
我絕對沒有打錯字。121Please respect copyright.PENANABcQ18s8506
121Please respect copyright.PENANALFtsVIJho2
諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAv4v5y45yE9
121Please respect copyright.PENANAWhFX6Iok7i
我:「代替?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAyVJshMpgak
121Please respect copyright.PENANACtPqmVvvJD
諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAgge5hdntvv
121Please respect copyright.PENANAqAqudCIIOI
我:「為什麼?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAZ0Q5pdhNMU
121Please respect copyright.PENANAtqGJnohBEx
諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA2t3d97dumI
121Please respect copyright.PENANABYbeLyY2Gd
我:「那不要說好了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANALX3wdmPsHq
121Please respect copyright.PENANAxlWVI4leLo
諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA2CL4u4GEiL
121Please respect copyright.PENANA27griGXEoi
「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?121Please respect copyright.PENANAF5mWohqX1I
121Please respect copyright.PENANAOFCBoHOUaq
諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAh6NcY5p3pw
121Please respect copyright.PENANAYE4qhn3RRo
也差不多意思。121Please respect copyright.PENANAUu4NldXzuo
121Please respect copyright.PENANA7jg3Yeh1F6
諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAqUE75Ync3I
121Please respect copyright.PENANAKFEanWBONX
真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。121Please respect copyright.PENANAGRhZXuMxiI
121Please respect copyright.PENANAeEONoc3xyF
諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAfbDE1Eo2YK
121Please respect copyright.PENANAn9aA8i7xts
好個有商業頭腦的老頭。121Please respect copyright.PENANAKCYdQlvjS1
121Please respect copyright.PENANAirCWYix0uH
我:「這算什麼錯?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAUad2YFkaH0
121Please respect copyright.PENANA1TEtgBtHzb
諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAuSzyGn5NSP
121Please respect copyright.PENANANxnacXUHen
我:「這樣很好啊。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA9guJGFitQt
121Please respect copyright.PENANAVAgvesvm6t
諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAS3LAgrMT34
121Please respect copyright.PENANABKfz8Yn6f0
……121Please respect copyright.PENANAMxNrnyJBsI
121Please respect copyright.PENANAN9lzQftmKf
諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAI03cjxIWqp
121Please respect copyright.PENANAxbaHz9etaD
你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!121Please respect copyright.PENANAZrXi7mists
121Please respect copyright.PENANAZGTAsxeyMv
諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」121Please respect copyright.PENANANKUgQF0i4G
121Please respect copyright.PENANAXehAjgNe1R
我:「什麼?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAmdKRm8JRPq
121Please respect copyright.PENANAqBiQqVkDiJ
諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」121Please respect copyright.PENANAXh9SWoW21i
121Please respect copyright.PENANACDZSPvMbFo
是報應沒有錯啊。121Please respect copyright.PENANAG5qKQpFGSB
121Please respect copyright.PENANATvqMLYrD1Z
不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?121Please respect copyright.PENANAkup9isqQIj
121Please respect copyright.PENANATuPNxfRJQG
重點是。121Please respect copyright.PENANATzmmHaDHs0
121Please respect copyright.PENANAcqD9NibvrR
怪我嘍?121Please respect copyright.PENANAnOe037c9ma
121Please respect copyright.PENANATcth0t8KKz
我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」121Please respect copyright.PENANA4fSC38b4Ew
121Please respect copyright.PENANAlz0favKHpH
諸葛亮:「抱歉。」121Please respect copyright.PENANANoSCxzdcJD
121Please respect copyright.PENANAB2nwDVEssR
我:「不接受行不行?」121Please respect copyright.PENANA2oQ8NeGut8
121Please respect copyright.PENANAeAvbnrH53r
諸葛亮:「對不起。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAnEtcjSF971
121Please respect copyright.PENANAVPkxGkTdIY
……121Please respect copyright.PENANAB3HhQ9UYyk
121Please respect copyright.PENANACCJkknNWMd
諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAHKuy2jvAx6
121Please respect copyright.PENANALkWEXt0j9B
那我大概有三次被抓的機會。121Please respect copyright.PENANAXa14bdFOZs
121Please respect copyright.PENANArzNtPDF4kg
「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」121Please respect copyright.PENANADTuotHCuSr
121Please respect copyright.PENANA46aO8QWxRe
去你妹的。121Please respect copyright.PENANAXWdL4CJNul
121Please respect copyright.PENANA7PaHn8EBaB
我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」121Please respect copyright.PENANArHdm41CgUV
121Please respect copyright.PENANAzKKLde5JQh
那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。121Please respect copyright.PENANArATMfI6vma
121Please respect copyright.PENANAZPE73LwGkF
不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。121Please respect copyright.PENANAKE77r5OcME
121Please respect copyright.PENANAMoIqRg6hWT
但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAYYse3pjJeF
121Please respect copyright.PENANAN8tm1TBlGK
他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。121Please respect copyright.PENANAly4WaVgzHx
121Please respect copyright.PENANAL3kJPBgXIu
我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。121Please respect copyright.PENANA17rIuHywQq
121Please respect copyright.PENANABNyjxTiqIi
鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。121Please respect copyright.PENANAP0qQXCk8mR
121Please respect copyright.PENANAjzF7kEwQsZ
諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAkDzzK02kPO
121Please respect copyright.PENANAQTDjgUA8Zy
我無話可說。121Please respect copyright.PENANA9YOE2SyCKY
121Please respect copyright.PENANAqc0X9ebH2D
諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAn5nk4Bu6RH
121Please respect copyright.PENANA6zwAnLqnvH
我真的無話可說。121Please respect copyright.PENANAjN0eJQ87tx
121Please respect copyright.PENANA24OReeMeGu
諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA4lEyZWHSpB
121Please respect copyright.PENANA2KbIUxMnPz
我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAjzyexbhMBs
121Please respect copyright.PENANAdAuW8IGzXn
諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAnauvqVkVCC
121Please respect copyright.PENANAf0107FufuE
我剛才已經問了!121Please respect copyright.PENANAeoBb0GjTcH
121Please respect copyright.PENANAy0NAAPURgM
他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?121Please respect copyright.PENANATueYnrtBan
121Please respect copyright.PENANA1si5aTIdWG
我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAswU0ISn23D
121Please respect copyright.PENANAvtAcWEAtdz
「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA51EbkSzX3F
121Please respect copyright.PENANA9OLIoqmGH9
我:「放心?」121Please respect copyright.PENANALbepg4E0We
121Please respect copyright.PENANA2zcQDFSoq1
諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA12t0POqvLh
121Please respect copyright.PENANA9v4WGycdoO
我喉頭一澀。121Please respect copyright.PENANAk6daPyhD2C
121Please respect copyright.PENANA9Jbd6IJ3n2
根本笑不出來。121Please respect copyright.PENANACSFBjFKFlz
121Please respect copyright.PENANAyIAPIqjBLz
但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAhnS7yl4Njr
121Please respect copyright.PENANALyCTdD3DrZ
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。121Please respect copyright.PENANAxHU0DvEoE0
121Please respect copyright.PENANAmBbEeGKmA7
「歷史是會騙人的。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAxOpCsRZgTL
121Please respect copyright.PENANAVpJ1Pdjzin
我的視界陷入混沌當中。