"Really, you two? Stealing and Drinking?" my mother's voice stabbed my ears. "You think doing that stuff is okay, as long as you don't get caught?"
The building itself was relatively empty, and had really only been us and the officer at the front desk. Both her and my own parents had come, and were now drilling eyes into the both of us without hesitance or refrain. I had nothing to say, we had been caught and exposed in one fell swoop. The cop had explained all of it to them, from the stolen alcohol to what we were doing when she found us.
Despite what Grace had said at the park about being open and honest about our relationship, I had nearly begged the officer to hold off on it. It hadn't been because I didn't want anyone to know, it was because the timing was awful. We had been caught drinking and stealing, plus it was in the middle of the night. What was I going to say after all that? "Hey, mom and dad, I'm dating Grace."? That probably wouldn't have turned out too well.
Even so, she hadn't held back at all. From how the beer brand matched the stolen brand to how it appeared that we were osculating in a sexually aggressive manner. She said it all, leaving nothing for us to say or explain, because she had pegged every last detail. The only thing neither of us said was that we were dating. After that, we were about as clear-cut as a piece of glass.
"Well, do you have anything to say for yourselves?"
"It was all my idea. I stole the alcohol and I twisted her hand until she decided to sneak out." I bit my lip as I stood up straight, taking it all. "Grace hasn't done anything wrong. It was all me, from the start. I'm sorry for everything I've done."
As I stood upright, I felt Grace's finger latch onto one of my own. All that existed for the second time that night was the silence of doubt. However, something new had made it's way in: Judgement. The sights that had been laid on me were not of those I was used to feeling or seeing from either of our parents. They were looking at me with the judgment of a criminal, of someone who had done the world wrong - they were looking at me the same way they looked at Brian before he left.
Judge. Judge. Judge. They could've judged me all they wanted to, but I wasn't going to break away from the girl behind me - no matter what they had to say. If that meant taking her away, I would have went around the world. If that meant hiding, I would have went six feet under. There was nothing they could do break me when it came to Grace. They would have to kill me.
"I think that's quite enough, L." my dad intervened. "You sound like you know you've messed up and that you're sincerely sorry. So, how about we all just leave it here?"
My dad was the soft parent, the one who gave into the begging and the one who couldn't say no to me. He always accepted my apologies, but made sure I had known what I had done or did. If it hadn't been for him, I probably would have been grounded a lot more than I was. My mom was forced to play the hardass, the one who dealt the punishments because my dad was too soft to actually give any.
"Not quite." Grace's father spoke. "Besides the stealing, which is something Grace would never think of doing, what is this I hear about kissing? I'd like to think that this is a misunderstanding."
"It was the alcohol." I lied, unsure of how to continue. "I was just wondering what kissing a girl was like, and the beer made it easier. That is my fault, too. I'm sorry, Mr. Lynch."
It felt like I was punched in the chest by a heavyweight boxer with a vendetta against me. We had lied so many times about our relationship before, so why had it hurt then? Why was lying to protect so painful even when it was for the person you loved? It hurt. It made me want to fall over and disappear to somewhere better, somewhere far away. Somewhere that had been away from here.
What was it like to run, to be free from the places that judged the most? I had no idea.
It was painful, lying about the person I loved, yet there was nothing else I could do to protect us besides lie. Either lose her, or put myself through the pain of lying to stay with her. No alternatives existed, no easy exits had shown themselves, and it left me with only one option. That was the option I took - or the one I wanted to take, at least. But even that had managed to turn into a complete failure.
"Please don't put any of the blame on Gra..."
"Lynn, are you crying?" my mom interrupted me.
Dammit. Dammit. After all the lying I had done, this was what I got in return? Tears? Why was I crying in front of the very people I wanted, no, needed to lie to? All crying had done at that moment was make me look I was in the bad, like I truly was lying about everything. While I had lied about everything, I wasn't going to let them know that. I hadn't planned on letting them know that.
Grace had other ideas. Instead of using her finger, she took my hand and put her palm against mine, rotating her hand until our fingers met. The tightness in my chest had vanished and the warmth began to return, but her face had read something entirely different. Something much different than what I had expected.
"Lynn and I have been dating for almost a year." Grace stated, her eyes not veering away from the adults in front of her as a strong voice left her mouth. "She is my girlfriend and that isn't changing. Let's see how God punishes me."
Turning my head, I hadn't been quite sure if it had been what she said or just continuing from before, but the tears falling from my eyes had now begun to border on waterfalls. The worst part was that I couldn't stop or even slow them down. I always lost the control I was so sure of when I was around her, and this was just another example of it. She hadn't said anything I hadn't heard before, yet it had affected me like it was the first time.
However, the warmth of her hand hadn't lasted long. In just single moment, Grace had went from my own hand to out of it and stuck in her fathers grip. She said that it wasn't changing, but the look on his face had said otherwise. He was going to do his damnedest to break those words, even if it meant destroying the girl she had currently been. Was it over? Probably. Would I let it die? No. Never.
"You cannot be gay and continue to call yourself a Christian. God will show you the way. You just need to be pointed in the right direction." he glared at Grace. "And you, Lynn, we thought of you like another daughter and this is how you betray us? By making our daughter the enemy? You're a disgrace, just like your brother."
"Fuck you."
"Lynn!" my mom intervened.
How little he had known about anything and everything. My brother had only left because nobody would hire him and hadn't wanted to leech off of our parents. If Brian wanted to, he could've stayed and continued to wreak havoc. Grace was the one who had feelings for me, and it hadn't been until she pulled them out of the dark pit inside me that I realized I had some, too. I hadn't realized anything until I met her.
I pushed her father, thinking as though a smaller teenage girl like me would have some sort of effect on him. It hadn't, but I continued doing it. I wanted to beat common sense into him, but I could do nothing. I was just a worthless kid with a worthless opinion, and had nothing to offer the world aside from being another number in their system.
All it had taken was my father putting a hand on my shoulder to stop me. Even my body had realized that this was futile, trying to fight back against an old man that was twice my size. I wouldn't have gotten anywhere and it clearly wouldn't have made me look any better. I was dead in her father's eyes. I was an enemy, a sinful spawn of Satan. That's all I was to him and many others. The only thing I could do was stare at Grace. Was this what she was scared of? This feeling?
How stupid was I? I wanted to do all of that without looking any further ahead, without thinking of this as a possibility. My childish line of thought had become our downfall, and it was yet another thing I had unwillingly driven away from myself. Through a tear-flooded blur, I saw Grace mouth something to me, something short.
"We'll find a way." her lips moved. "I promise."
Within a silent statement was what seemed like something scary close to last words, and just like that, Grace was slowly being dragged away. Minutes later, I had found myself outside of the police station and essentially alone in silence. This had been a silence that was deathly, a chill to the bone itself. Had the world been this cold before? Rather, was it time to start my emo phase? It sure as hell felt like a good time.
While I wasn't technically alone, I had sure as hell felt like it at that moment. My dad stood next to me, quietly, waiting for me to either move or speak. What was the point? The tears still hadn't stopped and the lump in my throat was only getting higher. Being alone would have been better at that moment, but they wouldn't have allowed that.
He broke the silence. "Are you gay, Lynn?"
"If I am?"
"Then you are. You're still my daughter whether you like girls or boys. . ." A few seconds passed before a pair thumbs met the bottom of my eyes and wiped across, sending the still-streaming tears away. "We're a little surprised, but I think your mother and I have the right to be after hearing that."
"I don't know if I'm gay or not. All I know is that Grace is what I want right now." I answered, wiping my eyes again. "I don't care what I am. I just don't want to be me."
"You can't help it if he's a devolved human being who's robbing his daughter of what she wants. You also can't help the fact that he isn't smart enough to see that nowhere in the bible does it say that being gay, or being a lesbian, makes someone 'the enemy'. You can't help any of that." he squeezed my shoulder. "Lynn, things will work out. You just have to put as much faith in her as you did your relationship with her. I bet she's doing the same thing right now."
Faith, belief, religion, it was all the same shit just in a different toilet. I believed in what I saw and what I felt, not what I couldn't see or couldn't feel. I was able to feel Grace, and I was able to see Grace. I wasn't able to see faith or belief, so why believe them? What I believed were things that could be repeated, what I saw were things that could be recreated. The things in front of me did just that, unlike faith and belief.
"Everything will be fine, L." he squeezed again. "I promise."
Liar. Such a fucking liar.
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