Hold On | Jay Halstead
Warnings: Mental health disorders, miscarriage, death, suicide.
Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader
Imagine based on the song “Hold On” by Chord Overstreet.
Originally posted by morewhump-blog
The biggest pain you can ever imagine is pain from your mind. When you hurt yourself and have a bruise, it will heal quickly, it’s normal. But when you are dealing with pain from your mind, it will take some time. It’s a long process, and you knew that from begging.
It started a year ago, during the most painful time in your life. Everything changed in literally one second. The feelings that you had were painful and hard, no one knew with what you were dealing.
And everything started cause of work. You were a cop, like your fiance, Jay. You both worked together, being partners for almost 6 years, beautiful and lovely years. But one day, your perfect life changed. It was like a hell. You were working on a case, someone was setting a fire in big companies. Like your parents’. And you weren’t fast enough to save them. You felt like you failed everyone, them, the team, Jay, and especially yourself. It was a long way of processing what happened, healing, and moving forward. When things were better, when you started to feel better, unexpected news came. You were pregnant.
“It’s our first appointment together, I can’t wait to hear the heartbeat” you smiled at Jay when he pulled the car in front of your clinic.
“Me too. I’m so happy” he opened doors at your side and took your hand. You made your way through the waiting room.
“Y/N Y/L/N, the doctor is waiting for you”
The most beautiful day besides labor day they said. And you thought the same.
“I’m so sorry.” the doctor said. Your heart just stopped.
“There’s no heartbeat.”
One year later, it was the same. You were seeing a therapist, still working in Intelligence. You played a strong, and badass woman, but inside, you were broke and lonely. Things with Jay didn’t change, at least you thought they didn’t. You still were engaged, but you were distant, stopped talking about work with him as you used to. He noticed that, but he didn’t know how to fix it.
You sat on your shared bed. Your side was cold, perfectly made, like you didn’t use it for long when he was messy, warm like he just woke up. It was true. You couldn’t sleep in weeks. Your life was based on naps, which were 30 minutes long, or coffee, a lot of coffee.
“I’m going out, I’ll be back in 10 minutes. Will just wanted to drop something before his work.” Jay told you and kissed your lips. It was weird. You knew how his lips tasted, but now it wasn’t the same. You couldn’t feel this love and passion that you always shared in moments like this. So you just nodded and closed doors behind him.
You couldn’t take it anymore. The first thing you made, was to take out paper and a pen. You sat on your bed like before and started writing. You needed to make this quick. So you did. You knew that these 10 minutes will take longer, as always, at least he’ll make it 30. And you were right. You hide the note in your pocket when you heard the doors open.
“I’m only back to take my phone. I’m going with Will, don’t worry, I’ll be back as soon as I can. I love you so much” he said. You made your way to him and pulled him into a tight hug. When you pulled away, you smiled at him and gave him a long kiss on his lips. He smiled back.
“I love you so much, Jay. Remember that.” he smiled again and kissed your forehead. And now he was gone.
Closed doors and mixed, unknown feelings. That’s what you had.
You made your way to the bathroom, locking doors behind you. You opened the box with medicine and took your pills, which you always take before sleep.
“I’m so sorry Jay, I’m so sorry.” you kept repeating. The note that you wrote was now on the floor, close to you. Taking your phone, you picked Jay’s number and made a voicemail.
“Um, I- I just wanted to tell you that you are the best thing that ever happened to me. You’re my miracle Jay. You always have been. You made me the happiest and most loving girl in the world and I mean it. I love you so much. Bye” sent.
You took a deep breath and then spilled a dozen of pills on your hand. Tears were streaming down your face and you didn’t know what exactly was happening. You didn’t want to think of this, you just wanted to make it done.
Everything went black.
Jay’s pov:
He opened your voicemail and almost immediately went to his truck and drove back home. His mind was full of bad thoughts. It’s been 40 minutes since you kissed him, he felt guilty for leaving you. Guilty, because he promised you to be home soon, as soon as he could. He was asking himself, what if something bad happened to you, what if he’ll be late.
He run out of the car and after 5 minutes he was back at your apartment.
“You locked yourself in the bathroom, lying on the floor when I breakthrough”
“Y/N? Baby?” the echo was all he heard. He went to the bathroom, but the doors were closed. His heart started racing.
“C'mon, Y/N, what are you doing?” he nervously laughed. He thought that maybe you were just messing with him.
But not this time.
He broke into the bathroom and saw you, lying there unconscious.
“Shit, no, baby please no” he fell on his knees beside you.
“I pull you in to feel your heartbeat, can you hear me screaming "Please don’t leave me”
“Why you’re not breathing, please breath” he cried. His mind was telling him that is too late, but his heart was fighting. He took you into his arms and cried in your hair. “Please Y/N, love. Please don’t leave me.”
He took his phone and called the ambulance. He needed to save you.
“Hold on, I still want you, come back, I still need you”
“Why did you do that, why baby. I need you, just hold on tight, please” he held you close, still kissing your head. You were cold, he didn’t feel this warm touch that you used to give him.
When he heard the doors open, he didn’t mind. He still held you in his arms.
“They took you away on a table, I pace back and forth as you lay still, they pull you in to feel your heartbeat, can you hear me screaming, "Please don’t leave me”
“Please stay back,” paramedics told him. They took you away from him, checking your pulse. Then they decided to start compressions. After a few minutes, they stopped.
“Why did you stop, you need to try again, she needs to live, please” now he was screaming. The pain took everything from him. He didn’t know what was happening to him.
“Time of death, 10:38” The paramedics stood up, they needed to take your body.
Jay was still kneeling in front of you. He took your hand, kissing it. Then your hair, cheeks, and finally, last time, your lips. They were cold.
When they took you, he was still sitting there. Finally, he noticed your note.
“Jay, my love. It’s not the right time and it will never be. You can’t be prepared for someone who wants to take their life away. And it’s okay, you’ll be okay. I love you, Jay. I’ll always love you. It doesn’t matter where I’m now, you need to know that I’m still with you. I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. I couldn’t take this anymore, this pain killed me. You don’t need me anymore, it’s my time to go.
I’ll always love you. Now, it’s time to take care of our angel baby. We’re with you.
Y/N”
He felt like he was out of oxygen. He was sitting there for a couple of hours when he heard his brother. Will took a break from work, to be with him. He took Jay into a hug.
“I don’t wanna let go, I know I’m not that strong, I just wanna hear you.”
“I can’t live without her, I can’t breathe, I’m not strong enough, I can’t” he cried more. Tears were streaming down his face. He couldn’t take a breath, he couldn’t see anything. His eyes were full of pain, red and small.
He felt guilty. He didn’t notice what was happening in front of his face. Now he understood why you were acting differently lately. You were just making your last few days memorable.
And now, he was sitting there alone. Without you. Because he didn’t notice.
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