You're Breaking My Heart | Anakin Skywalker x Reader | ⅔14Please respect copyright.PENANA4r85OKV1cZ
- summary: You must make a decision; abide by the code, for which you’ve spent your entire life studying, or succumb to the sea of emotions as they begin to drown out your conscience.
- warnings: anger, rude conversing, the tempting of the dark side
- word count: 4.1K
- music: Across the Stars by John Williams
Your eyes scanned the large room filled with cushioned tables and flashing monitors. Small swiveling stools were stationed by each monitor, as well as identical carts carrying devices and supplies that could be wheeled with ease down the elongated corridor. It was a community infirmary, where all padawans, Jedi, and other passing officials – such as handmaidens, palace guards, and even a few members of the Queen’s council - could come for a quick check-up.
You ignored the beeping of the pen-like probe as it made its way over your forehead, neck, and chest. Practically making yourself ignorant of whatever the nurse was doing, you tried to force your focus on something other than your feelings for Anakin.
There were only three other patients in the room; two bruised up padawans accompanied by their masters, who hovered by the working nurses patiently, and one guard from the courtyard being bandaged around the arm. Several dozen tables were lined up throughout the floor - which was large enough to hold a ball for all of Naboo - without any patients occupying them. A few advanced med units were dotted around, although they were sparse. Most of the advanced equipment was reserved for the emergency ward, which was located deeper within the palace.
“(Y/n)!” Anakin whispered sharply, nudging your arm.
“Huh?” Your eyes flicked back to Anakin, who jutted his head toward the nurse. Her gaze was expectant, as if she was on the edge of a question, waiting for an answer. “Oh, I’m sorry, what?”
“Can you tilt your head to the left for me, please?”
“Oh, yes, sorry.” You stammered, correcting the direction of your head and adjusting your posture. She rolled her stool closer and with a quick hand, pressed the tip of a small vapor sampler to your neck. With a faint sound similar to the release of the steam out of a small geyser, the sampler inserted a small amount of medicine into your bloodstream. You scrunched your face as the sensation prickled, but it faded rather quickly. The nurse turned to the cart and traded the vapor sampler for another pen-like device. With it, she hovered it over your body, watching the monitor closely.
“Your vitals are stable, although I did record a recent history of fluctuation in your blood pressure. I would advise the avoidance of stress for the next few hours at least,” The nurse turned back to you and pulled her hand away from your body. The device she had been using a device to scan your vitals found its way back onto the metal cart next to the table you had been seated on. She plastered a gentle and unwarranted smile on her face, as though she hadn’t expected any other result from your scan. You curled your fingers into loose fists as embarrassment settled over you. “I recommend you eat a full dinner and get some rest, young padawan.”
Avoid stress? Well, that’s just peachy.
My best friend just confessed his love for the queen of the planet, and I’m supposed to avoid being stressed? How was I supposed to handle that calmly?
I can’t avoid stress without ripping out my own heart – or dislodging my emotions from my brain itself. I’d have more luck at getting Master Windu to crack a smile.
“Yes, ma'am.” You barely whispered, glancing down at your lap. You hated the infirmary; it was always full of nosy people with nosy looks. Sometimes the nurses and other physicians acted like they were smarter than their patients, sometimes even casting the occasional glance of acute judgment – a lot of the staff assumed padawans came here to get out of training, which was something you could honestly say you’d never done. And if you had wanted to get out of training, you wouldn’t come here of all places. Your nurse was kind this time, although some small part of you worried she thought you were using the visit as an excuse. It made you feel like a child again, under the scrutiny of the adults.
“Is she free to go?” Anakin asked, placing a hand on your shoulder. You wanted so badly to lean forward out of his touch, to assuage the burst of affection that swelled from it, but you couldn’t. You couldn’t risk hurting him, or worse, revealing your thoughts by avoiding his friendly gesture.
“Yes, as long as she feels up to it.” The nurse concluded as she stood, pushing the cart away from the table and clearing the monitor of your data with the swipe of her hand against the screen. You hopped off the counter with Anakin’s hand under your elbow. You muttered a quiet “thank you” to her as you made your way for the door. Anakin’s hand finally released you as you took a few steps on your own. You felt as if your feet couldn’t carry you out of the infirmary fast enough – your chest was tight with discomfort as your stress, fear, and anxious thoughts returned with a vengeance.
“See? Aren’t you glad I brought you up here?” Anakin started, jogging a few paces to catch up with your hastened footsteps.
“She knew nothing was wrong with me. She thought we were trying to get out of training.” You replied with a low tone, no longer afraid to let Anakin see how annoyed you were. You were annoyed with him for telling you about Padmé, for being blind to your deeply woven connection to each other, for dragging you into that blasted infirmary, and you were angry with yourself for allowing any of it to happen in the first place.
No; for allowing it to affect you.
“She gave you an antidote – you don’t get those for nothing.” His voice was a little unstable as if your tone had thrown him slightly. Had you bothered to look up, you would have caught the look of confused concern that flashed across his face. But you didn’t bother.
“Anakin, that medicine was the equivalent of a warm glass of bantha milk. It just takes to edge off of your nerves. They give that to everyone that comes in.” You quipped, allowing yourself to fuel your frustration into your steps, which were echoing louder down the corridor as your heels met the concrete floors with rushed precision. A little voice echoed in your mind, something reminiscent of your conscience, sending flares off in your mind.
You knew you shouldn’t be indulging the frustration that made your skin inflamed, the bitter pang of jealousy that made your chest burn, and the ever-growing sense of red-hot anger was beginning to make you stir crazy. You wanted to scream, to throw something and watch it shatter, to ignite your saber and let it slice through the marble columns that supported the multiple levels of the palace.
How could he do this to me? And how did I not see it?
Didn’t he know? Couldn’t he see that there was something more than friendship in my heart?
Your breath was transitioning roughly into uneven intervals as you granted your emotions enough foothold to twist your thoughts. It was almost as if your lungs were becoming inoperable. Your skin was on fire and it felt like you were walking directly under the sweltering heat of the two suns. The collar of your robe was beginning to choke you and the billowed layers of your clothes felt three times thicker than they had been fifteen minutes ago. This only fueled your bitterness.
How could he choose her, of all people? Someone involved in politics, where the discrepancies and scandals shoveled consequences upon entire civilizations without care?
How could she be any different from the rest of them?
Your thoughts about Padmé brought your senses to an abrupt halt.
What were you thinking? You had known Padmé since you were a young girl, when Master Kenobi, who had only been a padawan himself at the time, and his former Master, Qui-Gon Jinn, had brought her and a young boy back with them to Coruscant when their negotiations with the Nemoidians had been cut short. She was a kind young woman, strong and wise, and truly fit for the role of a senator – and a former queen. She was selfless, perceptive, and discerning, with a very sharp mind. She was made for the world she lived in, amongst selfish politicians and crooked lobbyists, but not because she was one of them.
She was the opposite; she was honest and true, the perfect fit to change the course of any debate. Perhaps that was why Anakin admired her so much – no, not admired, loved. He had admitted that with so much ease, so much affection; he loved Padmé.
From the look in his eyes when he had admitted it, you couldn’t deny it.
You couldn’t work your way around that, no matter the hurt it had lodged in your heart.
But you remembered that young boy with the most vivid of memories; you could recall perfectly the second you had spotted him from where you had stood beside the towering frame of your Master, Mace Windu. He had clung closely to Master Qui-Gon Jinn, from whom you could sense had formed a deep connection to the boy. Your Master, who had been standing by the entrance of the lift, had placed a hand on your shoulder, warranting your attention.14Please respect copyright.PENANAZoqqVjnnlM
14Please respect copyright.PENANAIIdyWi90QJ
14Please respect copyright.PENANApTCp8MtxWw
“(Y/n), go welcome Master Qui-Gon’s young friend when he joins us inside. I believe he will be staying with you and the other padawans from now on; I want him to feel comfortable before the council summons him.”
“Yes, Master.” You trained your gaze back to the boy, who would soon become your closest friend. You managed to catch his eye and offered an exuberant smile, trying your best to be welcoming. He had waved and donned a lopsided grin, one that would one day melt your heart. When he boarded the transport, accompanying the queen and her handmaidens, he had glanced back in your direction; curious as to whom you were, if you were his age, if the braid in your hair meant you were a padawan like Obi-Wan, and because also he is interested if you were coming along. You merely offered him a friendly wave of dismissal, just before Palpatine and the others made their back from the landing pad.
You turned and followed your Master as he led the way into the lift, glancing back at your new friend. As you walked onto the platform, you were oblivious to the pair of youthful eyes that were watching you, wondering if he would see you again, and desperately hoping that he would.14Please respect copyright.PENANAodSpuRJaYV
14Please respect copyright.PENANAJgv5PNKN1p
14Please respect copyright.PENANAPR0FASgbRh
A bond had been formed from the very beginning between you and Anakin, either from your identical age, how early you had been acquainted with him upon his arrival, or perhaps because you were both in desperate need of a good friend. You still weren’t quite sure which, if not all, of those possibilities was the reason for your almost instantaneous friendship.
You wondered now if Padmé had experienced the same when they had met just a day prior.
Hadn’t she been the one to beckon him aboard the transporter?
So it was there from the start, meaning your arrival into his impressionable life was no more important than hers, if not less, seeing who he now directed his affections towards.
“(Y/n)?” Anakin’s worried tone pulled you out of your tormented thoughts. When his hand reached out to you, you didn’t hesitate to pull out of his reach. You regretted it when his expression turned into one of confused hurt. You had never pulled away from him before, not even once.
“I-I’m sorry, Anakin,” You croaked out, bringing your fingers together into trembling fists. “But I, uh, I need to go to my quarters.” You turned on your heel and without so much as a glance up at him, made your way to the stairwell between floors.
“Are you alright?” He called to you, his voice laced with concern. You paused where you stood, staring at your shaking hands.
No, no, I’m not alright, Ani. I’m breaking inside.
“I’m just feeling a bit dizzy. I’m- I’m going to retire for the night.” You nodded decisively over your shoulder as your throat constricted, the onset of tears mixed with anger and remorse threatening to send your composure into pieces. With deliberate steps, you resumed your flight towards the stairwell without giving him the chance to intervene, without so much as a full glance in parting.
You’ve broken me.
“What about dinner? The nurse said you needed a-”
“I’m fine, Anakin!” You tried to enforce a sense of command into your tone, but it was breathy and weak.
“Maybe I should go with you to make sure you get there alright.” He offered, making a few strides in your direction, his hand still extended towards you. Abruptly, you turned back to face him and held out an open palm, the hairs on your skin stiffening with the emotion that threatened to force Anakin to halt through your power. He stopped in his tracks and his own hand lowered slowly.
“No!” As soon as the abrasive yell left you, your gaze fell to your open palm. Had you really just prepared yourself to push him back in a fit of emotion? Had you really just resorted to misusing your abilities with the Force? For - for what? For some silly crush? Satisfying the whims of untrained emotion?
No, no, no, no…this isn’t good. This isn’t right.
“I was only offering to help y-”
“I know. But I’m fine!” Your hand fell to your side and your chest rose and fell swiftly as your stress acclimated into anxiety. What was wrong with you? Why couldn’t you just put this away? This was against everything you had been training for all of your life – you had been taught how to use specific breathing techniques as a way to calm your darker emotions, you had been taught how to manipulate your own thoughts into submission to the Light, you had even excelled in your training with releasing attachments. And yet here, faced with the one thing you thought you would never have to lose, all of your training crumbled.
You forgot everything.
“Look, (Y/n), I’m sorry if I-”
“Go to the dining hall, Anakin. I’ll see you in the morning.” You interjected in a pensive tone, dismissing yourself and fleeing down the hall toward the stairs. Before you were completely out of earshot, you murmured a hushed, “I’m sure Padmé will be looking for you.”
Your earth-toned robe fluttered under your feet as you turned the corner and escaped Anakin’s line of sight. With a fistful of the tan fabric in hand, you clambered up the stairs as hot tears pooled in your eyes, blurring your perception of the steps. You had to conceal yourself and rid your mind of these tempting thoughts before they became more than mere feelings.
Anakin stood in the hall alone, your footsteps no longer echoing down the corridor. He examined the marble floor with great concentration, mulling over your words, the tone of your voice, and the way your disposition had so suddenly altered. It had been so sudden, so unexpected.
Were you upset with him for telling you about Padmé?
Or was it because he had taken you to the infirmary, despite you denying the need to go?
With unanswered worries, he turned back in the direction of the northern stairwell, one that would take him directly to the dining hall, where the visiting Jedi council and a cluster of other padawans would be. He watched the wind bend the trees to and fro from the open layout of the palace as he made his way down the nearing steps, unable to think of anything other than the harsh way you had yelled at him. That kind of behavior was so unfamiliar to you, especially with him.14Please respect copyright.PENANA4kD56C420B
14Please respect copyright.PENANAOZoxOgWnF6
14Please respect copyright.PENANAXdCzk7rLkW
14Please respect copyright.PENANAgPFQGClBDV
14Please respect copyright.PENANAX5tdfg9dQk
14Please respect copyright.PENANAooKXIHUcyj
When you reached the floor populated quarters designed for Republic quests, which housed most of the Jedi that visited the palace, your pace quickened until you came upon your own door. With the twist of the key that hung your belt and the frantic force of your push, you were safely concealed behind the heavy door. You pressed your back against it and heaved a sigh of relief when the lock clicked with the press of your fingers. Your eyes clamped shut, freeing the flow of tears from your eyes. You released a shaky breath as your lungs quivered from within your chest.
When you finally opened your eyes and focused on your surroundings, you could quickly feel a difference in the atmosphere around you. Here, you could calm your nerves, disperse your anger through even breathing, and rid yourself of whatever malice had sprouted up from within your body. However, even with this realization, the process of balancing yourself was difficult, especially when you had already wobbled upon the line of what was acceptable and unacceptable; you had not only reserved an attachment for a fellow padawan for over a decade, but you had allowed it to implant a matrix of emotions, intentions, and unguarded thoughts within you.
With an uncertain step forwards, you stood near the foot of your bed and slid off your heavy robe. The sound of the fabric colliding in a heap upon the floor was soon accompanied by the thud of your boots being tossed in a corner and the clank of your utility belt being draped over the armchair near the large open balcony. Your lightsaber, however, was clutched in your hand, your thumb tracing over the ignition. With skin still burning from frustration and your heart pounding in your chest, you looked around your room, tempted with the thought of destruction.
What if you just sliced through one vase? Shredded through the feathered pillows? Marked the columns with the searing edge of your blade? Made one cut into the billowing sheer curtains that draped over the balcony entrance? Would one series of abrasive moves, even if the saber didn’t make contact with anything, be acceptable?
No, of course not.
You huffed out an exhausted sigh, rubbing your face in your empty hand. Fighting yourself was exhausting – you could feel the energy drain from your body as your anger warred with your restraint. Your bare feet slowly stepped between the sheer curtains and meet the balcony floor. With your eyes trained on the warm palette of pinks and oranges that the sunset displayed, you took in a deep breath.
If you allowed your saber to make contact with even one thing, even the entity of the evening breeze, it would be a lustful pull to the darkness – a tempting taste of rebellion. It sounded so delicious, and it appeared to be the perfect release of your troubles; a dangerous remedy cloaked in innocent relief.
You swallowed the lump in your throat and your eyes closed upon the sky, the blackness behind your eyelids feigning a reddish glow. Your grip on the hilt tightened and you stood in silence as your temptation to ignite the blade warred with the quiet but persistent conviction to keep it distinguished. The grip of your fingers faltered, tightened, and faltered one more … and the blade hummed to life in your hands.
Your eyes flickered open when the red tint over your eyelids faded to white. The sapphire glow of your saber reflected onto the sheen finish of the marble balcony, shimmering from the wide columns and delicately carved rails, and emulating a blue hue to the vines that were wound around them. Your brows drew together as your head tilted in shameful anticipation.
Should I?14Please respect copyright.PENANA82rRlbfX6w
14Please respect copyright.PENANATB54ziDBuK
14Please respect copyright.PENANAUtFFiMnQIX
14Please respect copyright.PENANAKHqmqx1pdA
14Please respect copyright.PENANAE8oamkWetb
14Please respect copyright.PENANARBGqsBBCZx
Anakin bit into the luxurious taste of the five blossom bread as he tore pieces off with his fingers and stuffed them in his mouth. The food, as usual, was delicious. The long dining table at which he sat was lined with at least a dozen other padawans and a few of their masters and was generously covered in food, from large silver dishes filled with Shaak pot roast, platters decorated with freshly cut Muja fruit, and many other native delicacies that the planet had to offer. Anakin was finally distracted from the odd behavior you exhibited until his master spoke up from across the table.
Amongst the loud chattering of everyone else, Obi-Wan didn’t seem to mind being blunt.
“Where’s your partner in crime, Anakin?” The light auburn-haired Jedi inquired after taking a long sip of dark red wine. Anakin looked up from his plate of food with wide eyes as he shoveled an oversized bite of Shaak meat into his mouth, clearly caught off guard at Obi-Wan’s interruption. He swallowed quickly without much chewing, warranting a clearing of his throat and a gulp of his water.
“She’s retired for the evening.” He simply said, remembering once again the pensive tone of your voice and the outstretched palm that had stopped him in his tracks. There hadn’t been an actual force of power that had stopped him from drawing nearer to you, only a slight stirring in his stomach.
“I’m surprised.” Obi-Wan’s eyebrows raised in question as he cradled his glass. “She’s never one to miss a meal – of any sort.”
“She wasn’t feeling well. I took her to the infirmary and one of the nurses gave her a vaporized antidote,” Anakin explained, poking at his gravy-doused potatoes. Obi-Wan’s eyes narrowed.
“And?”
“I, uh, I don’t think she liked me doing that. She got kind of upset with me afterward.” Anakin shifted in his seat uncomfortably, which didn’t go unnoticed by his master. Obi-Wan realized that it must have been a confrontation of some magnitude in order for it to bother his padawan so much; you and Anakin had been inseparable since he’d been brought to Coruscant.
“Well, don’t worry yourself about it, Anakin. I’m sure things will return to normal by tomorrow.” Obi-Wan reassured him with a thoughtful smile, hoping to help Anakin relax and enjoy his meal without being bothered with worry – or any form of regret.
“Yes, I’m sure it will, master!” Anakin answered in a stolid tone, picking up another piece of meat and dragging it through the broth of the roast that had puddled around the edge of his plate. As he raised the fork to his mouth, Anakin felt an unsettled surge of discomfort rush through his veins, causing his heart to palpitate and his vision to blur for a second. Immediately, an image of you rippled into his mind. Unknowingly, Anakin's eyes had focused blankly at the table and his body had stiffened visibly.
“Anakin? Something the matter?”
“Huh?” Anakin’s gaze flicked up to Obi-Wan’s suddenly, jarring the meat off of his fork. “Oh. No, it’s nothing.” Obi-Wan expression hardened slightly as Anakin’s eyes returned to his plate where he proceeded to stab the lost piece of meat back onto his utensil. He could feel something was off between the two of you, and that Anakin’s odd behavior had something to do with it, but something told the Jedi not to probe his padawan any further. Whatever it was would surface and resolve itself soon enough. He hoped.
Anakin ate his roast quietly throughout the rest of the meal, wondering and worrying about whatever he had felt just minutes prior. Why had the Force brought you into his mind? He had felt a sudden unbalanced glitch-like sensation relating to you. Why had there been a disturbance? And how did it relate to you?14Please respect copyright.PENANA39GsuV1yfn
14Please respect copyright.PENANAXppfbXY7Vr
14Please respect copyright.PENANAh7fJOCzduJ
14Please respect copyright.PENANALvR7U4Uz7w
14Please respect copyright.PENANAB6QZr3zfze
14Please respect copyright.PENANAA82PPZMaQj
The humming pulse rustled the quiet air as your eyes locked onto the weapon that could easily satisfy your anger with just one slice through the air. You stood frozen for a minute, processing the possible outcomes of either decision. You were so hurt. You were angry with not only Anakin but with yourself. You were frustrated with the fact that you had allowed such emotion to find such a deeply rooted home within your heart, and that you had let the consequences of such attachment show themselves in such a malicious way.
To give in to the raw emotions coursing through you would offer immediate relief, but to withhold it meant battling it out within your mind. However, the easy way only provided a limited remedy; then there would be even more consequences. You will have unleashed something dark within you, something untamable.
As your gaze lingered on the glimmering blade, you remembered how you had yelled at Anakin in the corridor, how you had subconsciously outstretched your palm with the intention to push him away, both physically and emotionally. You recalled the way your body felt inflamed with resentment and how quickly your innate kindness had twisted into bitterness.
And it terrified you.
ns 172.70.178.157da2