With me still kicking and screaming, the robot Alfred had carried me outside of Wal-Get into the parking lot. His monitor face continued to run through a myriad of kitten pictures. Some nice and some… not so nice. The pair of us was an obvious spectacle as I saw several people stopping in their tracks to stare in our direction. Most of them just looked confused while others had already pulled out their phones. No, not to call the police. They wanted to record everything for their social media followers. Yeah… no one seemed too interested in getting the proper authorities involved.
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Alfred’s fake British accent interrupted my screams.
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“Now, I have a bit of a confession to make. I didn't have a vehicle prepared to bring me here, so I had to borrow one from the locals. They… well… they weren't very understanding. Needless to say, I had to take drastic measures. So, if you see a family in the back of the van, all tied up and muffling through a strip of very strong tape, just ignore them. They're perfectly fine with their predicament. Honestly, I’m sure they’ll be relieved when they see you because you will all have something in common. By 'something in common', I mean being bound up and unable to utter anything comprehensible.”
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“Would somebody please help me?! I am being kidnapped! Does anyone even care?!”
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“Everyone, pay her no heed! We're filming a television series. No need to panic. She's just a little excited about her role as the annoying woman whose luck just ran out.”
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“Stop right there!”
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Alfred did stop, the red exclamation point returning to his monitor. Before he even turned to face the one who had called out to him, I already recognized the voice.
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“Dietrich von Oppenheimer! I’ve been searching for you.”
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I want to say I couldn’t believe my eyes, yet somehow I already expected it. Dietrich stood about ten feet away from us, now clad in his new armor. He bore the tiny, plastic shield on his left arm while his right hand grasped the hollow hilt of the toy sword, sheathed in the jump rope tied around his waist. He had ditched the top hat for the helmet, but it barely stayed on due to it… you know… being meant for a kid. His eyes glared at Alfred with a determination so strong, it only added to just how ridiculous he already looked.
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He unsheathed the toy sword. “Unhand the fair maiden at once, you robotic fiend! She has nothing to do with us!”
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“Au contraire, Sir Dietrich. She has everything to do with us. She knew my name. That means she's one of your cohorts!”
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“I can assure you, she is not associated with me in any way, even though winning her heart would certainly be an honor.”
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My face burned with fury at this point. “I have a boyfriend, you creep! Boy… friend!”
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Dietrich diverted his gaze to the side. “Apologies, my lady. I will not utter such a thought again.”
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Alfred glanced at us both with the deadpan emoticon. “Well… this is awkward.” The emoticon switched to a sinister smile as he redirected his dart gun at Dietrich, who reacted by raising his shield. “This ends now, Sir Dietrich. I have you right where I want you. Your puny sword and shield are of no match for me. In my hand, I carry one of the most powerful weapons crafted by the people of this world. It's called a gun. Able to fire projectiles faster than even arrows. Your tiny shield will stand no match!”
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I don’t know why I bothered to interject, but somebody had to bring it up. “You know that’s a toy… right?”
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Alfred snapped his head towards me with a question mark. “It’s a what now?”
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“Jacqueline McBane! What, in the vastness of Hade’s buttcrack, are you doing?!”
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Oh, just fantastic. Best day ever. It was my manager because of course it was, and he did not look happy. Looking back at it, I don’t understand why he was so intimidating, considering the pig-sized belly that complimented his inability to grow hair. My co-workers always referred to him as ‘whale boss’ for good reason… poor guy. I’m sure he was a perfectly nice person outside of work. Regardless, my heart still sunk at his angry, beady little eyes.
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“Jacqui, I don't recall giving you a break. Yet, here you are, abandoning your register, and playing games with your obviously mentally challenged friends. You better believe you're getting written up for this!”
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“Sir! I swear these idiots are not my friends. I’m being kidnapped! Help me! Call the cops! Do something!”
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“Really, Jacqui? Kidnapped? That’s the story you’re going with? All I see is a bunch of idiots playing with toys. How dumb do you think I am? Get back to work now, or you're fired!”
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The next thing I knew, Alfred had his dart gun aimed at my manager, his finger about to squeeze the trigger. I gazed in horror.
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“You, sir… are an annoying little man.”
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“No!” Dietrich flung himself in front of my manager right as Alfred pulled the trigger. My mouth dropped agape as I saw the fired dart smack Dietrich dead center in the forehead. He smashed against the pavement, screaming in hysterical agony as the dart managed to stay glued in place. Everyone’s eyes were on Dietrich, who continued to squirm and flail in wild display. He went still once the realization started to set in.
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“Wait… I’m alive. Thank Abbalon, I’m still alive!” He started laughing in relief.
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With a dawning panic, I looked toward my manager. I half expected him to spontaneously combust at any moment. His breaths were deep and rapid. His portly cheeks a deep red. He stared at Dietrich in disbelief, but then his eyes transitioned to me. I could feel the blood draining from my face.
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“Jacqui…”
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My name had never been spoken so coldly. I stuttered as I pleaded in desperation. “S-sir, I promise it’s not what it looks like. I-I don’t know these people, I swear! I’m seriously in trouble right now.”
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“You bet you are.” He didn’t yell. His words came out calm, yet dripped with dread-inducing scorn. “You’re fired. I'm calling the cops. If you three aren't off this property before they arrive, I will have them arrest you for trespassing.”
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I was about in tears at this point. “Sir, you can't do that! Can't you see they have me against my will?! You're responsible if anything bad happens to me!”
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“Do not fear, my lady!” Dietrich said. “I swear on my family’s honor that I…”
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“Shut it, creeper! You’re the problem here!”
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“Yes, my lady!”
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I could feel Alfred’s grasp loosen as he seemed preoccupied with the dart gun he held. “What moron designs a weapon that doesn’t kill things?”
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I took the opportunity to make one last struggle and broke free. Not waiting to see anyone’s reaction, I made a mad dash to where my car was parked. I could hear Dietrich yelling behind me.
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“Wait, my lady! Where are you going?! It isn't safe to go alone!”
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That only made me pour on the speed more. I ripped my keys from one of the belt loops on my pants and flipped to the one I needed. My hands shook from adrenaline as I reached my car. I cursed as I failed to get the stupid key in the stupid keyhole. Dietrich’s voice called out next to me and I about screamed.
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“Please wait, my lady! You can't leave by yourself. You're in terrible danger. Alfred is going to be coming after you now.”
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“Go away, creep! I want nothing more to do with your stupid, childish charade!”
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“It's not a charade, I can assure you, my lady. Alfred is a very powerful being. He won't rest until I can stop him myself. That's why it is imperative that you go with me at this very moment. I can protect you. He'll be after you because he thinks you're with me.” I scanned the area where Alfred had been but noticed he was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps the many eyes that had been observing our little debacle provided just enough deterrence for him to bail.
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At last, the key slipped into the slot. With a twist, the door unlocked and I swung it open. A small canister rested in the driver’s seat and I wasted no time grabbing it and shoving it in Dietrich’s face. “Get back! Get back right now! If you don't turn around and leave this instant, I will mace you. I'm sure a creeper like you knows exactly how that will feel.”
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Dietrich threw his hands in front of his face and squeezed his eyes shut. “Yes, my lady. Very much aware.”
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“No surprise there. Here's how things are going to go. I'm going to get in my car and drive to the safety of my home. You will not get in the car with me. You will not follow me. You will not come by for a visit later to have tea and crumpets. If you do any of these things, then so help me God, I will have my boyfriend murder you and toss your dismembered corpse into a landfill where you belong. Got it?”
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Dietrich bowed his head. “Yes, my lady. Your instructions are understood.”
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“Good and for the love of all things sacred, stop calling me ‘my lady’. I am not your lady. I will never be your lady. I will, however, be your demise if you keep calling me that.”
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“Yes, my lady.” I scowled and thrust the mace canister closer. Dietrich squealed. “Madam! My apologies!”
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I gave him one last threatening glance before hopping in my car, slamming the door shut, and making sure I locked it. The old beater sputtered to life as I cranked the ignition, and then I sped out of there like a bat out of hell. It didn’t matter if that little creep was clear of the tires or not. I was done. They could all burn in hell for all I cared. If only that could have been the end of the story.
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