"Are you sure you don't need to see a doctor about those ribs?"
I jump, turning quickly causing a flare of pain along my side.
"Jesus... You scared me." I sighed, June ignored me and I turned back to analysing the deepening bruise over my ribs, tender to touch.
Except I smile, the return hit I gave directly after in the sparring match the night previous was worth this ache.
It was satisfying, the pain which maybe that makes me weird?
I shake my head at her, a coy smile to my lips. "And no. It's not bad, June. It's just a little bit of colour to my dull morning."
"If you could make your nights a little more dull, that would make my life a whole lot less stressful." I look at her in the mirror, pulling my hoodie over my head. She's crossed her arms over her chest and is leaning against the doorway.
I enjoyed more difficult fights, and last night was one.
And I won.
So this bruise was like a trophy but I wouldn't tell June that, she'd think I was weird.
"You need to be more careful at these training sessions. They aren't meant to resemble illegal fight rings." I laugh at that, moving away from the mirror and fumbling through my bag at my small desk. Switching in some of my school books into my backpack before zipping it up.
"Now June, don't tempt me. Every time you bring up illegal fight rings, it gets my fingers tingling." She cocks her head and raises an eyebrow.
"That was a joke." I add and she rolls her eyes.
"I'm aware, Ella. I just never know if you're completely joking when you say that." I sling the backpack over my shoulder, snorting quietly to myself.
Because in all honesty, the thought sounded fun.
But I don't tell her that either.
"Well then I guess you'll never know."
"How reassuring." She says dryly, moving out the way as I bypass her into the hallway.
"You know why I worry; you seem to have an addiction to throwing yourself into danger. You have one body girl, and you want to wreck it when it's in its infancy?"
My eyes roll on instinct, ignoring her.
Waving my hand in dismissal, and continuing on along the hallway, knocking on the kid's doors as I pass them, shouting them to hurry up.
I could hear her following behind me as I made my way downstairs, swinging around to head to the kitchen.
It isn't until I pass through the doorway, dropping my bag to the side of one of the chairs that she says anything more.
"Have you given any more thought as to what you're going to apply for?" My hands grabbed at the cupboard handle, swinging it open and grabbing seven bowls before placing them on the table. I grit my teeth quietly; I didn't want to have this discussion again for the millionth time.
She repeats it again when I don't respond.
"I don't know." I mumble in response.
June walks past me to the fridge, pulling out the milk, her hair showing one or two more grey hairs.
"You do know you only have till January to apply? You've already missed the Oxbridge and medical deadline." My head shook, leaning up to grab the numerous cereal boxes from the shelf.
"What a shame." My sarcasm dripped from each word. Dropping the boxes onto the table and I look up at her, readjusting the last one. I pause, I know she won't go for it, but I still say it anyway. "I don't know, I could have a gap year?"
Her scoff comes quick, but it's what I expected and so I continue on grabbing the spoons from the drawer.
"You can't have a gap year if you don't have a plan, otherwise we'll still be in this position next year having the same discussion!"
"Jake had a gap year!" She narrowed her eyes at me.
"But Jake knew what he wanted to do. Don't try and evade this, you have to make a decision."
I didn't want this pressure. I didn't want to make a decision; it was such a big one. Why did I need to rush into this?
"Why do I have to make a decision?"
"You just do. You need to start thinking about what you actually want to do with your life, you're going to be an adult soon. No school and then what? I'll just have an aimlessly wandering child in my house for all eternity? No thank you."
"Here I thought you liked having me here." I joke, but it doesn't do much when she tilts that head at me.
"That's not my point and you know it. You need to find a direction, that's all I'm saying and now... now is the time for that."
"Can't you give me a break? I'll figure it out, I've still got time." My back leans against the counter, flicking my hood up over my head and delving my hands into the pocket.
I know she's staring intensely at me, I'm just a little too intimidated by June more than anyone I know to look her in the eye as she scolds me.
"You say that, but the next few months are very important. You can't mess around."
"I get it." I say it a little harder than necessary, my eyes flick up when I hear pads of feet at the entrance to the kitchen.
Five sets of eyes stare back, I fidget more on my feet having realised that June's glare narrows a little further at my sharp tone.
I could never win with her.
Begrudgingly, I blew out a breath and turned my head up fully towards her, watching one of her eyebrows raise.
"I'm sorry okay. I'll make a decision; you just have to trust me a little." She mouthed the word 'fine' before telling the kids at the door to come in and get some breakfast. They all shouldered their way in, school uniforms messily thrown on.
They all jump up onto the stools surrounding the breakfast table, helping themselves to the cereal and I watch for a moment. My eyes flickering over the interior of the house, the one June's parents passed down to her. She knew she wanted to foster kids and when she got the house, she immediately applied.
I settle my eyes on the kids around the table, shoving food into their mouths at an alarming rate and could easily be compared to a bunch of feral animals. Granted, when I first got here, that's all I would have thought about the others in this house. Looked at them and thought nothing good of any one of them, maybe my hearts softened, I don't know but I've started to become fond of some of the kids.
Younger me would be appalled by that, but now, they bring colour to the house.
Especially since Jake moved out.
Some of them stay a short time whilst their parents try to work out whatever it is they are going through, others a good long while. There are a huge variety of reasons they're in foster care and the majority, not for anything nice. Honestly, some of the emotional baggage, it can be hard to deal with but if they are really bad the social worker comes regularly with a psychologist.
I push myself off the counter, organising my own breakfast and as I do, I glance at the young boy taking his place at the last stool around the breakfast table. His eyes flitting to the others before easing his hand out and grabbing one of the cereal boxes. He keeps searching for something, checking everyone's reactions until he finally drops the box and begins eating. He's silent, like always.
June caught me looking at him, a sympathetic smile forms.
Thomas had been here nearing two months, but he was the same as he was when he first arrived.
Quiet, reserved. Alert.
I went to stand beside him, bringing my own bowl of cereal, my shoulder touching with his gently. His eyes flicking up to mine only briefly before focusing on his cereal once again. Edging away till he's moved further in on himself.
"Morning Thomas." I heard a muffled good morning back; he was definitely the quietest 10-year old I had ever met.
"What lessons have you got today?" I continued to stare at him, spooning cereal into my mouth, crunching away as he just shrugged his shoulders.
"You don't know?" I say through a full mouth, he only shrugs his shoulders again.
It was frustrating to say the least.
Nothing seemed to work, leaving him to his own devices didn't let him come out and speak to me, being quiet and polite and essentially copying him did little as well.
I wanted progress.
I wanted something from him that made him act like an actual child.
Even back then, I was more angry, loud and angry and volatile but this.
This quietness, I didn't understand it.
It doesn't make sense.
How does this make him feel better? How does this let off steam?
At least when I was angry, it felt like I was doing something, it felt like I was achieving some form of relief.
I couldn't fathom just being silent like Thomas.
June looked at me from across the breakfast bar, her eyes also dropping to him in worry.
His parents still want him back, keep saying this is his personality, but we all know that's utter crap.
Something horrible happened to him, now he's not a child anymore, barely human, barely functioning like it anyway because I don't know what's going on in his head.
When something is as quiet as Thomas is, and for so long. You know they're supposed to do something, but they never do.
I want to shake him till he does something human.
"Do you like your new school?" Those shoulders lifted once again; I sigh in defeat after multiple tries to get an answer.
But then I grit my teeth, a simmering frustration settling on my chest.
Why won't you do something!
Before I know it, and certainly before I think better of it, I've leaned down and said something I probably shouldn't have.
"You know, it's rude not to answer people's questions. What would your parents think?"
I wait.
I've shaken him and now I'm waiting.
His hand stills with the spoon in his hand, now shaking and somehow even more silent than anything beforehand. I bite my lip watching him, waiting for an outburst. That doesn't happen, his head begins to shake side to side, still silent.
"What did you do Ella?" June's stern voice neared as she hurried around to our side, watching Thomas as tears dropped from his eyes.
The pit in my stomach dropped.
I needed to think before I speak, it never got me anywhere good.
"Nothing." She gives me that knowing look like a spit of venom to me, "I mentioned them." I mumble back, she doesn't even need to question who before her eyes are narrowing even further towards me.
I'm proud enough to admit that June will always frighten me more than any opponent in the ring.
"What were you thinking!?" She hissed at me in frustration, leaning down to Thomas carefully whilst he remained sat, still crying. I glanced at the other kids at the table who watched on silently.
June was trying to comfort him before looking up to me angrily, gesturing to the other kids and it isn't a second until I've got the gist.
"Everyone. School, now. Let's go." I moved them all out of the room, hurrying them along but glancing back as I exit to see him. It's his eyes that do it, eliciting a form of guilt so intense, it pulsates and kicks me in the gut enough to threaten bringing my breakfast up along with it.
I didn't want to be in this room anymore, not with the look he's giving me and certainly not with June who was probably 15 seconds away from wringing my neck in anger.
We made quick work of all grabbing our bags, ushering them out into the hallway and away from the kitchen.
It isn't until the door is shut behind us that Jack speaks up, his little face looking up at me.
"Is Thomas, okay?" Before I could answer him, who pulled at the ends of my coat, a scoff sounded from Eve.
"No. He's messed up in the head clearly." I stop suddenly, staring at Eve as she stood there, crossing her arms over her chest as if she were braver than me, as if she knew better than me.
"You're really going to say that?" I shout at her, watching her falter slightly in her stance before quickly tightening her crossed arms.
"It's not like I'm wrong, is it?" I take a step towards her, enjoying it when I notice her stance falter, my own fists tightening at my sides.
"You're no different Eve. You and Thomas, you're the same. So I wouldn't get so high and mighty about yourself right now."
"I am not like Thomas, he's schizto."
"We're all weird in that house Eve! Everyone knows that, everyone thinks that, don't think that any of those so called friends of yours think any different either."
"Just because some of you guys are, doesn't mean I am. I don't belong in that house, I'm not weird, I'm not like any of you."
I feel my lips curl, leaning towards her. "But you're still here, with us. So, you're not that different then, are you? Get over yourself Eve, you're no different than any of us and you're certainly no better."
Maybe I went too far but I was sick of her attitude, sick of her thinking she was better than the rest of us, sick of her ultimately making the other kids feel bad about themselves.
Whether she wanted to admit it or not, her dad dumped her in foster care just as much as the rest of the kids parents did too.
She wasn't any different.
Even if she wished she was.
I grab her upper arm firmly, feeling her arm twitch under my grip. I continue my intense stare, watching her slowly lower her arms.
"At least I'm better than you, at least I waited till he was out of ear shot. Didn't seem like you helped him very much just then." She glares at me, forcing me to tighten my grip on her arm till she grumbles in pain.
I ignore her because she was right, I messed up.
Eve didn't need to know that.
"What's wrong with you Eve?" It falls from my lips in a sigh, shaking my head as I look back at her. Her face falling quickly as her eyebrows furrow tightly staring back at me too.
It only lasts a few seconds before she narrows her eyes once again and rips her arm from out of my grasp.
"Nothing. There's nothing wrong with me." I didn't know what to say to her, it's not like I hadn't tried before. Eve and I don't exactly get along, she was strong minded just like me and so far, that combination hasn't mixed well.
The both of our tempers are a force to be reckoned with at the best of times, it's best on those days that we avoid each other at all costs.
Something I probably should have done today but the situation this morning didn't allow for that unfortunately.
The others around us look uncomfortable, serving as a distraction for me to be able to push everyone along the road and away from Eve's glowering look of distaste in my direction.
I was too tired for another big argument with Eve.
Eventually I push them onto the bus for the primary school, leaving me waiting for my school bus along with Eve.
We ignore each other, the uncomfortable nature already there and so I keep my head down, scrolling through my phone
Take the day off tonight, you had a rough one last night.
I shook my head as I read the text from Lucas, there was no way I was taking a break. I needed to let off some steam from this morning after I royally screwed up.
Funny. See you tonight.
He didn't answer my text, he knew there was no way he was going to change my mind. It wasn't like I was going to go crazy, but I could still do some stuff.
Finally, I could hear the bus rounding the corner, I stood up shoving my phone back into my coat pocket.
I showed my bus pass to the driver, Eve splitting off to one of her friends, leaving me carrying on towards the back of the bus hearing quiet comments of me again from other students at the school.
Everyone always had something to say about me I swear. Rolling my eyes, I sat down at the back seat overlooking the rest of the students, frowning at those whose eyes turned to meet mine for too long.
Have they got nothing more interesting to do with their time?
I shuffled in my seat, pulling out my headphones before roughly pushing the earbuds in, hating myself for what I did to Thomas...He didn't deserve that.
I knew that.
I also knew how terrible I was with words, that I never made anything better.
Doesn't seem to stop me much though anyway, I bite my inner cheek thinking of it.
The bus made its way along the 30 minute drive to school as I blasted music into my ears and ignored the other students.
The bus finally stopped and I waited till they all filtered out ahead of me before I got up and slung my backpack over my shoulder, stepping out of the bus ignoring everyone around me.
My eyes surveyed the area as I continued to stalk my way across the car park, noticing the various vehicles pulling up and students jumping out of the cars as they were dropped off.
I could help Thomas, I was sure of it. I had to; I'm not going to give up on him.
If June stuck by me, even after everything I threw at her, then surely, I can do the same for Thomas?
It took me a long time until I got out of that dark headspace, became less of an 'asshole' is how Jake always liked to put it.
It probably wouldn't have happened, and I'm not perfect by any means still, maybe I never will be.
But most importantly, that doesn't change the fact that I don't know where I would be today, if it weren't for June.
****************************************************
I fumbled in my pocket to retrieve the ringing phone, gulping when I saw June's name flashing on the screen.
"Hi June." I could hear a heavy sigh coming through the phone, my eyes scanned for cars as I crossed the road. Moving away from the school and towards the bus stop.
"What time are you getting back tonight?" She sounded tired, it didn't take much to assume she'd had a long enough day as it is. Something I feel, I'm responsible for.
"Erm. I think around 7? I'm not doing anything too strenuous tonight." My feet scuffed on the pavement as I walked along, trying not to let the guilt eat me alive.
"Can you stay with Lucas for a little longer tonight? I want Thomas to be asleep before you come back." I dropped my head when I heard her say that, I really messed up.
My voice shook as I breathed out, now stopping at the bus stop, leaning against the wall of someone's garden trying to avoid eye contact with anyone else.
"Is it that bad?" There was silence over the phone giving me my answer, my teeth gnawing at my bottom lip in anxiety.
"I'm really sorry June." I could almost see her shaking her head in disappointment. She ignores my apology, sucking in a breath before continuing on as if I hadn't spoken.
"Jake is coming over tonight to see if he can help out with Thomas, I just think it's best you avoid each other for tonight at the very least." I scrunched my other hand into a tight fist within my pocket, shaking my head.
Jake never messed up like I just did.
"I understand, I'll let you know when I'm leaving for home." The phone was hung up after a quiet word of acceptance from June on the other end. I slowly brought my hand back down, ramming the phone into my pocket and throwing my head back in frustration.
Any inadvertent eyes that met mine were met with a glare from me, their heads quickly dropping away from my look.
Finally, the bus arrives and I wait for the others to hop on. Briefly checking my buzzing phone from within my pocket to find multiple messages from Jake coming through, something I had no intention of looking at.
I wasn't going to think about it any longer, it's not like anything Jake had to say would change anything. He probably just wanted to berate me for all the things I should have said instead or just have told me to have kept my stupid mouth shut like always.
Annoyingly he was right in this instance, and I hate to let him think he was right about anything.
After hopping on, dropping myself down into a seat at the front, I drifted my eyes to outside of the window, to the denser town houses that grew in height the further we went into the town. Until gradually, the bus does its usual loop of circulating out into the outskirts of the town, losing more and more people as we pass into the less built-up areas.
Granted, the gym wasn't in the best area, but it was where I'd always gone and it's where I became friends with Lucas, I wouldn't change now.
As I'm nearing my stop, it's not hard to notice the quieter streets. The once bright and shiny shopping windows are boarded up or thick metal shutters cover the rest from further graffiti. I remember a time that June used to do a little shopping down this street, she'd send me off into the boxing class for the hour or two and then I'd come out to see her with a bag or something from some shop or other. She'd usually have a little cup of tea in the small café that used to sit beside the small music shop, both are out of business now.
A lot of things went out of business after the pandemic.
Because of the pandemic, a lot of things changed. This street was no different, quiet now and empty when it was once full of life.
But the lost revenue in the small businesses wasn't reimbursed from restrictions after restrictions and the increased taxes that was meant to be reinvested into the country, well that bottled back into London alone.
It wasn't a few minutes later until I reached my stop, pushing the button before making my way to the very front, holding onto the handlebars.
Thanking the driver and stepping off I was followed by one or two people who quickly split off into different directions.
It takes another ten-minute walk from the bus stop to get to the gym, it's useful on the way there. I can warm up my muscles a little from the vigorous walk, it's at night-time that it's annoying.
The phone rang again in my pocket and I pulled it out, faltering in my step slightly as I fumbled with the phone. This time Jake's name lit up across my screen, I should have really expected that, given the messages he sent me earlier.
With a grind to my teeth, I ignored his call and slipped it back in my pocket.
It's not like he wouldn't find a way to tell me how wrong I was, putting it off till later seems like the perfect plan to me right now.
Finally reaching the gym, I make quick work of entering the changing room before getting into my workout gear.
I was just pulling my hair into a high ponytail, stepping out and walking towards the training room that I was interrupted in my step.
"Hey, Ella!"
Great, Gale.
Did I hide the sarcasm?
I involuntarily groaned quietly to myself when he stepped uncomfortably closer to me. Crossing my arms over my chest after tightening my ponytail one last time.
"Hey, Gale." I sound so awkward, a tight smile on my face and shifting on my feet as he continued to stare down at me.
"How are you doing?"
I wish it was socially acceptable to just walk away from someone when you didn't want to answer a question.
Could I just do it?
I could make it acceptable?
I tempt myself too often with that thought.
"Oh, well, fine I guess?" I chew my inner cheek, easing the tension I was feeling as he edged a little closer.
I wasn't one to step back though and so I stand my ground.
"Cool, so I was just thinking if you wanted to do anything tonight?" I almost step back, almost.
"Tonight?" I wasn't sure when this came into the conversation, when was the prelude to this? Did I miss something again, or is it just me that thinks that was abrupt?
"That's what I said." He flips out his phone from his pocket, briefly checking it before locking eyes back with mine.
He was attractive, there is no doubt about that. I know it, everyone can see it and I'm more than sure that he knows it too. He's tall, broad shouldered and if he wanted I'm sure he could be a model. He's got a lot going for him, apart from his attitude.
Maybe I shouldn't judge, Lucas says I have a tendency to do that.
But so does he and probably worse.
I don't know what it is, maybe it's because he's too attractive. Therego he must be a little bit of a prick.
Or again, maybe Lucas is right about me.
"Right, it's just." He cuts me off,
"No stress, come to my house and we can just chill you know?" He says with a shrug of his shoulders.
I raise an eyebrow "Chill?"
"Yeah, chill."
Am I meant to swoon for this invite?
He knows I'm not an idiot, right? Naïve, maybe a little bit, but dumb?
Never.
I know what he's implying, or not even implying just stating at this point.
I'm about to shoot him down like the god of thunder but I'm interrupted from behind me.
"Ella! Gale!" Lucas' authoritative voice bellows from across the room and then there's that knowing look in his eye as he glanced between Gale and I.
"Get in here so we can start." He left no room for argument giving me the chance to quickly jog over to him, giving him a quick hug as I pass him.
"Thank you." I whisper into his ear, hearing him chuckle briefly as I did so. I can almost hear him rolling his eyes at me, his hand patting my back before sending me in.
Once at the opposite side of the room, I instantly started stretching, my eyes flicking up to see Gale give Lucas a death stare as he passed through. I couldn't help the smirk spread across my lips though.
Lucas walked over towards me, hands resting on his hips as he raised an eyebrow.
I pulled my knee up to my chest, stretching and holding it there, watching his dimple deepen in his cheek as his contained smile broke every so often, his head shaking.
"That is the last time alright? Tell him if you aren't interested." He switches his expression to something more serious.
"Hey, this isn't on me. I don't engage." He raises an eyebrow at me like he doesn't believe a word I'm saying.
"Then what were you talking about then, if you're not engaging?"
"I wouldn't call that a conversation Lucas." I scoff,
"What would you call it?"
I shrug with a smile, "Awkward."
"Descriptive." He says with a deadpan expression
"I know." I grin triumphantly back, his eyes rolling at me as always.
"How's the bruise today?" He nods down, changing the topic before dropping a hand to my shirt.
"Not bad?" His eyebrow rises, a deadpan look on his face.
"You're like a broken record, let's see it." My eyes roll, knowing I won't get out of it. I lift up my top to expose the deep bruise and I watch his face cringe, sucking in a sharp breath.
"Damn, you don't go halves on anything, do you?" I laugh in response, dropping it down before he says anything more.
"I try." He snorts, his head shaking once again before moving to greet the others.
I continue my quiet warm up, watching Lucas catch up with a couple of the others across the room from me. His eyes occasionally meet mine from across the room, as if to check I'm still here.
Lucas was a lot cooler when we were younger, since he started teaching here, he's matured.
Disgusting really.
Or maybe the real issue is that he didn't put up with my antics quite as much as he used to when we were kids, more often than not he was a part of them.
"Okay, pair up and get a set of pads between you." Quentin shouts out from across the room as well, his hands clasping in anticipation after dropping the large bag into the centre of the room.
Out of the corner of my eye, Gale starts making his way over but knowing what further conversation could be had with him, I swivel my head looking for my usual workout buddy, Jessica.
As soon as I spot her in the corner, I run over and grab her, pulling at her arm.
"We pair up nearly every week, you don't have to grab me like I'm going to disappear on you." She huffs as we grab some gloves and pads from the bag.
"What if someone steals you from me, that's my dilemma." Her head shakes at me as she pulls on her gloves. I tap my pads together in my hands as I look at her.
"I'm the shit one out of everyone here, no one wants to pair with me. I think we're safe." She smacks me over the shoulder when I nod with a smile, agreeing with her.
I slipped on the pads listening to Lucas' instructions as he explains the routine warm up. Bouncing on the balls of my feet, Jessica began punching at the pads, moving side to side, trying to keep herself light in posture. I couldn't help but analyse her movement, thinking of all the things she should be doing.
I bite my tongue because she didn't come here for perfection, she came to let off steam.
We went through a couple more exercises switching between each other on who wore the pads and gloves. The sweat built a thin film on my skin as I worked hard, working to keep myself light and agile across the floor.
It wasn't all that long until she was puffing hard as we spared, trying to keep up with me. Lucas and Quentin walk around correcting people, stopping them occasionally to go over a particular movement.
After an hour he told us to take a break, I quickly grabbed my bag from the changing room. By the time I have walked back in, having to side step Gale with a tight smile on the way past, just to return the favour in all honesty, Jessica is leaning against the wall wiping the sweat from off her neck with her hand.
"I wish they would turn up the aircon in here, right?" I smile back at her, a running joke between us because of the amount she sweats at each session. She'd bring a towel if she wasn't so self-conscious.
"Uh, I know. It's boiling in here." She wipes the sweat off her hand onto her shorts, taking a swig from her water bottle as she scans the room.
I take the space on the wall beside her, feeling the cold wall hit the back of my neck. It's the perfect temperature to cool me down a little before the second half.
"He's hot, you know." I furrow my eyebrows looking up at her, pulling my water bottle from out of my bag before dropping it onto the ground beside me.
"Lucas?"
She laughs, looking at me with a shake of her head.
"Gale. I was clearly talking about Gale."
"I'll tell Lucas you said that." I take a gulp of water, seeing her deadpan expression in the corner of my eye.
"He already knows Ella. But Gale, fire." I nearly snort out the water through my nose.
"Fire?" I laugh.
"Fire." She nods with certainty and we both look across the room at him. He's chatting with some others, smiling wide and it's easy to see why she would say that.
"I don't have time for anything like that." I shake my head mumbling the words, she hears me though. I don't tell her about the conversation before either, I wouldn't hear the end of It and I knew she would try and convince me otherwise.
Quentin began to shout out instructions from across the room, bringing us all into the centre so whatever Jessica may have wanted to say was cut off.
"Okay everyone, we're going to get some fights in today. We also have a morning run session tomorrow for those looking to get into peak fitness for the competition next month." Instantaneously my ears perk up.
I ignored him when he started pulling people into the middle for some fights. Telling the rest of us to go to the punch bags to keep warm.
I caught Lucas' stare and I mouthed the word competition, raising my eyebrow in question. I frowned when he just shrugged his shoulders.
I had been fighting with Lucas at this gym since I was 10 when he moved here. He doesn't think I should be getting competitive with it, not after last time anyway.
Every time a contest comes up, he refuses to give me a heads up.
It doesn't often stop me.
He's terrible at keeping secrets.
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