"With the Gardiners, they were always on the most intimate terms. Darcy, as well as Elizabeth, really loved them; and they were both ever sensible of the warmest gratitude towards the persons who, by bringing her into Derbyshire, had been the means of uniting them." The 6 o'clock alarm went off as I read the last lines of the famous novel, it was the fourth day and I couldn't sleep yet, the books helped me get my brain busy so I could escape seeing and hearing Othello everywhere and I know for a fact that he was nowhere near me, still the hallucinations increased I was stressed and I didn't sleep for days, I turned to my left to glance at how bothered Tobias was of the alarm's sound after I turned it off, I slid between his arms and I rested my head on his heart, the beats made my tired eyes to sealed, I wished for sleep as much as I wished for Othello to leave. As the thoughts and the words untrammelled, my eyes closed shut and my breath began to leisure yet scenting his herbaceous fragrance on his bare skin, I glimpsed up at him and he was composed and appealing, What am I doing? I questioned myself, the memories of everything we have been through, everything he did for me and mostly the love we built together was and always be beyond any obstacle we can ever face, I closed my eyes and pushed the bind back as I placed a kiss on his chin, he groaned just as he opened his eyes stretching his arms then hugging me closer to him, Lillian's giggles followed by Dennise's cut my thoughts into how many ways he would try to grab her from her crib.
Tobias made his outstanding vegan crepes for breakfast when I bath and dressed the kids, I loved it when I was busy being a mother and I tried to be as kind as just, erratically I keep disremembering that Tobias is not his father because I always knew he doesn't even try yet he is more a father to him than Othello can ever be, I know that we shouldn't keep this a secret for good and one day we will all get hurt by this truth still it shouldn't be spoken. The time consumed on the cachinnation and Leroy knocked to take Dennise on his way as everyday, Tobias took Lillian to the park as I head to work or so they thought, I went to my therapist and after telling her what happened these four days, she wasn't surprised but I was, and for the first time I wanted her to interrupt me more like to talk about everything instead of me, Maureen explained "You pushed all the old back memories in a little tiny box, and you locked the box in a special closet and you sealed it too, not even Tobias can get in, the little box was too small for what it carried inside so it cracked and exploded but the closet is big enough to hold everything, the box represent not just your heart but also your mind it is more like fear while your will and strength which embodies the closet, because you think that you are weak and because you feel like you can't take it anymore, the box exploded but the love you have of the people around kept the strength in the lock of the closet." The picture was reprehensible just not the feeling, I wasn't afraid all I did was talking about my past and everything was pushing until that box exploded, when I pointed out to it she suggested that instead of speaking I could write and burn the papers, because when you talk only your heart or your mind can take the lead but in writing they collab, she gave me pills to help me relax and sleep at night even tho I tried to avoid them these days.
I drove to my office at the coffee shop, I entered the bureau and I gathered the papers tying them with a paperclip as I began to write, I wrote and sometimes my hands were too shaky to spell certain names and words, I wrote happy moments and I smiled, I was just there the whole day I lost track of time and I stopped when my 38 papers ran out of space and I couldn't burn them I took pictures of the parts Maureen didn't know about and I emailed them to her.
I wrote " I thought my life was over, I thought it stopped when I walked out of his house at 2 am wishing I was never born, I somehow wish for the same again but then I am writing this and it includes Tobias and I just wish to live for him and our kids, after our kiss I couldn't keep the eye contact and he couldn't either but our hands were always reaching to the other, Mabel wanted to ask to say something and I knew I have a lot to explain things I didn't even know about, I checked my phone and it was 10 already and that party started being boring as the minute passed, Edwin suggested to go somewhere else and we stood to leave, when we reached Edwin's car Tobias asked him to follow him because he knew somewhere we would like, I knew things will change between us none of us planned this, the silent moment when we entered the car wasn't as awkward as thought eventually he spoke "I um I, the circumstance may not seem appealing to you but I um, there is no other words to um explain this, I let my guard down I don't know when but now the feelings are there, they wouldn't fade away in fact I don't want them to." I normally can't talk when I have to, besides his importance in my life and how much I cared for him wouldn't allow me to screw anything up, I place my head on his shoulder then he drew nearer "I don't want them to either" I whispered and he heard, Edwin placed his car next to Tobias's and smiled mocking "How about you follow?" Tardly we followed to Kurt's, we spent the rest of the night there listening to the old record Kurt played and eating the fresh fries, and it was way better than hundreds of proms, but that night I knew that I have three friends and one of them turned out to be something more. Tobias brought me back home by twelve thirty, and when he parked in front of my home he quaked "I don't want this to change anything" I interrupted him "You are kidding me right? Like I should be the one worried, you are not the one pregnant with no future, I mean I am grateful to have you fighting with me throughout my situation, somebody else wouldn't even get involved but you did" He stopped me "And I will always be there for you, now tell me when are you planning to visit the doctor I told you about?" I took to realize what I have and said "Whenever you are free." He nodded and placed a gentle kiss on my lips as he said goodnight. I tried stopping myself but how could I? I walked out of the car heading for the door and a tiny smile was appearing on the corner of my lips, I opened the door and I climbed to my room, I sat next to my window as I changed into my pyjamas, I put my hand on my belly and wished for the little boy in my dreams.
The shadows of the past remain as you live on grudgingly, what living can mean if you are banished from yourself; myself. I felt guilty for being happy that day, smiling while my lips are holding back, you deserve the happiness that monster stole from you, I called Tobias once I opened my slumbering eyes to propose that day to visit the doctor, he requested "I will pick you up by noon, I am at Ethan's now." I agreed before hanging up, recalling Ethan's friendship with Tobias and the times he mentioned how they spent their whole childhood together. I grabbed my breakfast up to my room just to enjoy the cool breeze coming from my window, playing with the little hairs on my face, my honey brown eyes looking up to the sky as my hand grabbed Wuthering Heights from the side table near my bed replacing the book with the empty cereal bowl, little cushions surrounding me while I sat on my soft rug, taping my finger on the side of the book right after reading one my favorite lines "If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger" it was the fourth time that I read that book along with the Great Gatsby and Northanger Abbey.
I sat for hours admiring the love between Heathcliff and Catherine, and it was different because each and every time I sensed the affection Brontë never failed to articulate Tobias popped in my head and so did a devoted beam on the corner of my lips, the clock ticked as my heart pounds with the rhythm of the love and the hate of their enduring love, the second my eyes scanned the last words of the novel, my phone buzzed Tobias's name I picked up the phone answering with a usual "Hello" He reported "I will pick you up in 20, okay?" I agreed hanging up the phone heading to my closet, the prussian blue sweatshirt called for my hand and I grabbed it accompanying my black jeans, I placed my phone wrapped in my earphones in my pocket as I walked out of my room closing its door, I tried avoiding the sight of everyone looking for Leroy in the backyard knowing that father was at work, I sat on the edge of the table watching my little brother watering the roses with care, he approached for the towel laying on the table next to me, his brown eyes glowing as they met mine he spoke "I am sorry for not making you pancakes this morning I overslept, but I will make you something for dinner." I grabbed his face between my palms and I placed a kiss on his forehead. What if my baby turned out to be as sweet and as loving as Leroy?290Please respect copyright.PENANA69atLVAzTf