I am currently in Turkey... And since it isn't summer and not the season to swim yet I barely have anything to do except the occasional walk outside... Currently I am engrossed in Yuri Manga that I saw on the internet but I don't really have anything to do... And because of that I have no ideas what to write about... So I guess I'll just wait till one idea comes to me...
(Back in Germany) I still have no new ideas. I have no idea when I "dropped" this book or something like that but I just realized that this things still exists... Well how about we talk about... Anxiety today!! Whenever I go to school I usually try to "play" the part of the "does not care boy". The type of character that doesn't care about anyone else but themselves, their opinions and other stuff. In my mind that is like the ideal I personally strive to be. For some people it might be a bit weird but I personally value personal freedom extremely highly so I really don't like being influenced by other people. That's also the case why I usually try to "play" that character. I say "play" cause I only half play it.
Half of the play is my real emotions showing through actually not really caring about what other people do (so much so that it surprises me that if I get curious about what they do) and the other half is not playing at all cause it is just enjoying the moment... But back to the insecurities part. Why such an elaborate train ride? "Definelty not to just hit the 500 word mark right?" You ask. *Looks away* Anyway.
I actually wanted to talk about anxiety I guess... I believe in my case at least I get anxiety mostly due to uncertainty my future... As I've already said before I get a lot of motivational swings that also includes potential jobs and that causes me to get more anxiety cause I don't really know what I want to do in the future.. (Currently my favourite is Freelance Translator). That causes me quite a lot of anxiety but I feel like that could apply to quite a few people. But something I've always hidden also from my family and friends... I don't understand love... Like really not just romantic even also platonic and the reasons is not because I grew up in a bad houhold or something like that no I grew up very blessed...
I just don't understand love... I can't understand why my parents would go through the trouble of raising other people... I don't understand why they would be willing to spend so much money on them... That's why I also always feel really awkward eating food my father made for me and not really knowing what to do except say thank you while constantly thinking: "Is this enough gratitude for the warm food and everything I get from you?" That's why I also always feel extremely awkward when my mother tells me she loves her... It always feels as if I should say it back but I don't want to lie to her in such a way that's why I usually just say something like: "okay"...
Well that got kinda darker I guess but I hope you all have a good day or stuff yes I am back? I actually don't know if I will really continue writing here but I'll at least try to.
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