My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 162Please respect copyright.PENANAR0aMUCjeht
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"162Please respect copyright.PENANAFYMSlIySIg
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)162Please respect copyright.PENANAJiuBvqRMdF
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."162Please respect copyright.PENANAVebh7f0gWo
Hmm... 162Please respect copyright.PENANAs9gGohnuYi
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 162Please respect copyright.PENANATeVNKRQB3o
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 162Please respect copyright.PENANAewlKbIwvrP
"You can have have all the adult toys."162Please respect copyright.PENANAQjiOMZKnYI
Except for the pecker enhancer!162Please respect copyright.PENANAk07WvTaFpN
"That's all I need..."162Please respect copyright.PENANAYI2IIAshJA
"Wait!"162Please respect copyright.PENANAH9mgzQJDDL
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?162Please respect copyright.PENANAWJXGKISFe9
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 162Please respect copyright.PENANAzlYg8MdSKf
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 162Please respect copyright.PENANAo32YogqVVl
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)162Please respect copyright.PENANAZ6BdRDO8qf
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"162Please respect copyright.PENANA31K5m1VxHe
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"162Please respect copyright.PENANArUvJbyfdnt
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!162Please respect copyright.PENANAme1lokawpA
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?162Please respect copyright.PENANAD426lsm5PY
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!162Please respect copyright.PENANAdNLrfXtZVz
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 162Please respect copyright.PENANAUvrYLqyd7C
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...162Please respect copyright.PENANATorbXaJuH6
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...162Please respect copyright.PENANAvBxzI6Qs3y
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you162Please respect copyright.PENANAV8yRjak9lc
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.162Please respect copyright.PENANAuTbk50WZ2t
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.162Please respect copyright.PENANAFLf6xutS5G
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"162Please respect copyright.PENANAHR1C0Fdk0B
(Sarah laughs)162Please respect copyright.PENANAfo1lScGk04
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."162Please respect copyright.PENANAcz0HmBKcV6
"Gosh Darn!"162Please respect copyright.PENANAO2FZapSKnf
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...162Please respect copyright.PENANAYTIWYiN97U
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 162Please respect copyright.PENANA31wGfd7mi0
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)162Please respect copyright.PENANAqwVmTELRnZ
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"162Please respect copyright.PENANAcwZprwJ16k
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 162Please respect copyright.PENANAaBZhaPEjqD
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."162Please respect copyright.PENANAO2L5sRyB8l
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 162Please respect copyright.PENANAc49DSi5gne
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.162Please respect copyright.PENANAJMOn6dcUZV
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...162Please respect copyright.PENANAsokCMj9q7j
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"162Please respect copyright.PENANAyv4dc5xs1M
(Sarah says what)162Please respect copyright.PENANAhTHLANgN4V
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."162Please respect copyright.PENANAX83J1NLopB
(he laughs and Sarah winks)162Please respect copyright.PENANAHLA7KqwAei
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 162Please respect copyright.PENANAA5urkdi5sa
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 162Please respect copyright.PENANAYYcJkpIPqW
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"162Please respect copyright.PENANAFsTEbz876E
(Keith laughs hard)162Please respect copyright.PENANApGPmOTPXIP
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"162Please respect copyright.PENANAgxKSrgZWMX
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.162Please respect copyright.PENANAopCZUmh5qp
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)162Please respect copyright.PENANA29Ho7zeRlQ
Honey,162Please respect copyright.PENANABZYpdpccGy
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 162Please respect copyright.PENANAxhy7OPlho2
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?162Please respect copyright.PENANAzqh524Nqov
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!162Please respect copyright.PENANAKdy4A3zAhk
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)162Please respect copyright.PENANAQq2WNx6Yiq
Keith says,162Please respect copyright.PENANAe16KF76Csg
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?162Please respect copyright.PENANAn7gP1WmepH
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."162Please respect copyright.PENANA60ia6gudPk
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)162Please respect copyright.PENANAkm2Da4nA8L
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 162Please respect copyright.PENANAjGkRK6twfQ
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"162Please respect copyright.PENANApWzNirH7xk
"Ground beef!"162Please respect copyright.PENANAlbTiTgR9Au
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.162Please respect copyright.PENANATtZbRDnRgp
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 162Please respect copyright.PENANAaOPz6nBrny
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 162Please respect copyright.PENANAq5vLCfVB3n
Lawsuits.162Please respect copyright.PENANAsWXxWAEFPi
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.162Please respect copyright.PENANAkQTr9bVRn9
Keith's friends knew him as the 162Please respect copyright.PENANASVzFeyVV6O
Clown Jester of Bakersville.162Please respect copyright.PENANAgpEyOF8iMu
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 162Please respect copyright.PENANA80ehRWuUYk
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"162Please respect copyright.PENANAt6Sa4CpZZ6
Because he was so outstanding in his field!162Please respect copyright.PENANAhY0yvZxN7H
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.162Please respect copyright.PENANAmTxQhBxQdN
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.162Please respect copyright.PENANAOSL1Z7fb8y
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 162Please respect copyright.PENANA5yCXJXcJu5
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.162Please respect copyright.PENANACEoP4vI5h8
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"162Please respect copyright.PENANA5gT0TUIGvk
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.162Please respect copyright.PENANAIyZFMxsrQC
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.162Please respect copyright.PENANAQFyvcIlPYU
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 162Please respect copyright.PENANA29rkrL4job
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.162Please respect copyright.PENANAq8OVJVA26S
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 162Please respect copyright.PENANAxpNAfVVBg7
Having heard them all before, many times.162Please respect copyright.PENANAJy7ccnc1Mx
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.162Please respect copyright.PENANA9mWBLhtBUR
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 162Please respect copyright.PENANA0WDF3GAbMu
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.162Please respect copyright.PENANAEH8p1G0fLG
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 162Please respect copyright.PENANA4Rr94SCqT2
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.162Please respect copyright.PENANAy0tXdkYlW3
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.162Please respect copyright.PENANAXraKEeuoii
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.162Please respect copyright.PENANAOsHDEYClIx
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.162Please respect copyright.PENANAQP3o8aJycD
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.162Please respect copyright.PENANAfcSx6fCmiv
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.162Please respect copyright.PENANAgwDkxibZt5
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.162Please respect copyright.PENANAm6htpmujMX
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.162Please respect copyright.PENANAoMkNz4ogUL
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.162Please respect copyright.PENANAHpzaUjs1h5
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)162Please respect copyright.PENANAB1kCJIIVqT
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!162Please respect copyright.PENANA9yngKj77n9
(audience chuckles)162Please respect copyright.PENANAns7nBciMPz
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."162Please respect copyright.PENANAnq9Jjtj8W3
I haven't heard from him since.162Please respect copyright.PENANALBs0qm68PM
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."162Please respect copyright.PENANAKiZQ1fW6uv
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.162Please respect copyright.PENANAwXmjxFD0Z5
(audience laughing)162Please respect copyright.PENANABZGF0WjG3l
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 162Please respect copyright.PENANANaPVmj7oVU
She still isn't talking to me.162Please respect copyright.PENANAsakRF9KXjw
(Keith smiles)162Please respect copyright.PENANA3WKRJXue6S
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'162Please respect copyright.PENANA0DMwVgJ0Al
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 162Please respect copyright.PENANAxhF4yLMDrD
but I am on the fence!162Please respect copyright.PENANA8ADKcVAtGm
(audience laughing hard)162Please respect copyright.PENANAemGjedd2NJ
[He gets on a roll]162Please respect copyright.PENANAnWeDUAi8pR
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 162Please respect copyright.PENANA8eFELfzsMA
She gave me a hug!162Please respect copyright.PENANApb9csHaXfp
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."162Please respect copyright.PENANAnGL470736U
Hey!162Please respect copyright.PENANAx6C32qVNgl
What is the worst combination of illnesses?162Please respect copyright.PENANA1zDcbdAm9e
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."162Please respect copyright.PENANATwx3dbFXpV
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"162Please respect copyright.PENANArMZizWqlKq
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"162Please respect copyright.PENANAShF3Mxx3Rc
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."162Please respect copyright.PENANAyOBS4xnr4u
How do you get a squirrel to like you?162Please respect copyright.PENANA63nktWiEcd
Act like a nut.162Please respect copyright.PENANAAh6pipSpFN
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.162Please respect copyright.PENANAu4Ozp86l2h
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.162Please respect copyright.PENANAWU2Ho8syxp
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.162Please respect copyright.PENANAIjXhE7sbri
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 162Please respect copyright.PENANA5yTwPc8uiI
So I Left.162Please respect copyright.PENANA87fTeALFC2
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.162Please respect copyright.PENANAFzTuRlPhsw
"The steaks were pretty high!"162Please respect copyright.PENANAqey5ga9p3N
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."162Please respect copyright.PENANAL3EcuwzJG4
Goodnight!"162Please respect copyright.PENANAq4dZovUEmE
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)162Please respect copyright.PENANAwsFoqvKtAu
He went home happier162Please respect copyright.PENANAkZHEVTnSzp
than he ever
Dreamed!162Please respect copyright.PENANAVFztxoUzyA
162Please respect copyright.PENANAGgtRGXKfda
© Charles Kemp
ns 172.70.131.129da2