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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡboELt01lmX
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlLgIPEe4WF
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyxFdRLT9yS
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVJd38NfwtX
Hmm... 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXQm73rx74b
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtHarKwcjOD
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKU5iTpE1lB
"You can have have all the adult toys."425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRlLxlo2TwH
Except for the pecker enhancer!425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhOorm2rHHt
"That's all I need..."425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEWYhGMY1hu
"Wait!"425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJut91O3Gdz
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvDIu7yorkz
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo0en5UAwJ8
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxRxS2UherN
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWKkk665KBf
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXndxjZApp3
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡONJjhevEOl
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsHVXkx2607
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpoTyZOCFtk
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzhWljucMC4
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE6jAGaaXuL
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHePxaSjNqD
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoHHGhbUyeQ
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsd03WgRKUR
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtL6NHBCMWL
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfDJg8Li1aV
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3VrHawO3ym
(Sarah laughs)425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ92PdCupEt9
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ397iOd5QXk
"Gosh Darn!"425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfGPJwBbdkg
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiAJd5G6OyC
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY8zIgfUVmc
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjaYyhOkRhG
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOmRjzG33l7
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqw2oye8nLH
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWIrLBzGIQ
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjzhZjksQDW
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL9T8D9MJ4t
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsuhbGKryTz
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6buoN4SimQ
(Sarah says what)425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVV9aMqCIdn
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgzuXgKOiMc
(he laughs and Sarah winks)425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ1DSbaHnTl
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyCmSGjTG2e
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡySroQ3Xowm
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKUn4aQKH7h
(Keith laughs hard)425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCuESAozqXm
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJV1NFn4RId
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3QdSUqEguz
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ232Bik3jcU
Honey,425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfdKGsUW4yE
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWmIWugtTnq
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxR8yrTGsQA
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNOZ0bqaeOQ
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU46CRe9GwB
Keith says,425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNQbAgEYH9f
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxppSROHK3R
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSmWegNcCSF
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLKURy1Aobs
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡephyYYTbDd
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ41xEtFnYtO
"Ground beef!"425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtb7wEcs90X
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBlUQ9rRMi2
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlTECzzosZM
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq7f9ySXq6Q
Lawsuits.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5lFoquKaU
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr1mgPgs3Fc
Keith's friends knew him as the 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK8eBsoOl4v
Clown Jester of Bakersville.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ueSt4U91k
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡABN26nY4yR
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNjRMtafQan
Because he was so outstanding in his field!425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLBqilz0FzR
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡccLFcILhqu
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtsuRYvaVQF
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ65MWiZkjLd
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdlzITfsOBJ
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7hXewX3t6b
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOF3yYn6VS
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvarOdXZhC3
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4uvbx0xIrk
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxpReYZYe8
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgXVq0UMxhq
Having heard them all before, many times.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsCt9jXGGYx
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4CCiwhL3yL
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGMygcwKI32
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Vs9mRiHgH
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTuQeu9VX0
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKWKUv4cBl8
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ21ELOMpcpO
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7vmN1bHIEL
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2mW2UA783G
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKZyZhb0Eme
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMkLVMQncpJ
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6LRFCaPmrv
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfYtX4fwdQy
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxEKfmVsVxg
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPdhc1uscNm
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zuNihiUrV
(audience chuckles)425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi4NZ5An8xb
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY3LLWLKGfH
I haven't heard from him since.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt1Vj71qAwT
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ1a2qnsTHR
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Wj3Ma2rxP
(audience laughing)425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkpkbg5Uvg5
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS9HiCmwTOZ
She still isn't talking to me.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc3m0zH0hto
(Keith smiles)425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJnatWhBTc5
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaZo5P0Fxhq
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoyZAu4fORU
but I am on the fence!425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLu6qlGV7nT
(audience laughing hard)425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6cj729VI5T
[He gets on a roll]425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs0Wa14gTqZ
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW9BguwAYzB
She gave me a hug!425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmwvsNbbb3U
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6FGm89gQED
Hey!425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeTVXTLvxsh
What is the worst combination of illnesses?425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0KkwtUFsfA
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwqfC1Nyxxa
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡISYkszP3Yu
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1zZ1uDQZPc
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFpWgHNA3Vm
How do you get a squirrel to like you?425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDOa4pK9emA
Act like a nut.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzMgzesm3mK
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekFcXo7ajv
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu2uPq6jKWM
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2oxr0i4YBJ
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIiKhrCaruD
So I Left.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgYrtIs2eo8
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrng9583mQU
"The steaks were pretty high!"425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkMO960YM95
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkNDw8PamFL
Goodnight!"425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9nwDYnTD7y
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF9F6EIkrTC
He went home happier425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCerL6ifS9C
than he ever
Dreamed!425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4nqu3twYGU
425Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkEGPyECmVT
© Charles Kemp
ns3.148.168.26da2
