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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtBhbCBdXX0
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU04u7w6jio
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Ca0A6ZjtB
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡurULJVJA2V
Hmm... 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡINPdD07LPP
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4w8gGvXv4S
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr8Es9xpUvf
"You can have have all the adult toys."493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlvS3B9PP3d
Except for the pecker enhancer!493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTz3VlU1hBg
"That's all I need..."493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlOhE4AMuUC
"Wait!"493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRPjrIwks7P
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyGBqP2EEUt
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsDZYapUqp0
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbeWarAZ7Fk
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIN53s4vU6Q
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoS173ihTyj
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFlR7Kia1ey
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9YWim7RbEO
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMLaYeeDtMP
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ascWGl9UD
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0O89CdbTNx
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBPhBnojQ0O
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ77yfvNEvDc
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTcwEzK7eOH
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMbsh96Wl4j
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡahgmV5oCrt
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡixPrf1R5X8
(Sarah laughs)493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyufNqDL5zH
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoaysRS4g3q
"Gosh Darn!"493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ8mcFVJAuJ
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ78OwnLr2K9
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpvdCKvrMIX
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡztW7vHyurf
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUgex7ISpBn
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCp7e5sgPSH
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgZZh9uGe7O
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmVN7ZUORHp
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqYiMGmljdO
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjFLiad7wqI
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHSMkTU6YZa
(Sarah says what)493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc43O11WDcg
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6bk3IDmASN
(he laughs and Sarah winks)493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsrEMNxS31A
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEhbcaZ4X1k
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDbsfGqygMK
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhGbh0bIs2R
(Keith laughs hard)493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmeEVnFxZJF
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvOYvePNxwA
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9wmLxAtdZ8
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX1MZJi8x8x
Honey,493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7viQs8uuF2
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWb3R229Mtz
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡslL4gulgez
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6k0fZYpX1E
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkP8h1djjdz
Keith says,493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz4Umzcfa21
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD8sJXdODrr
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKLoGVOvJN
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO1r9FcL6pm
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBAcCP9Eam8
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ63LftAK8kF
"Ground beef!"493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDhboYbTuKL
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86Tx9ZEPup
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1qWaVVpp95
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtmKQV0TFp9
Lawsuits.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8m9C0zQnu8
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9fiAqEJPkY
Keith's friends knew him as the 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8zvdEFMMH7
Clown Jester of Bakersville.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzgeOPBgX7F
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAcYK9BrWzZ
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXnP2fFHBiU
Because he was so outstanding in his field!493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYukBmMxPFj
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZ2Giyn78N
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfeFRDRafW9
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh6eNCijHz2
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSfnoSitNlb
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1laqDrMElh
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1MbrkkTAb5
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNWoAB2YiYP
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtfmVGCDxbE
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZfTC2FJuOQ
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn6OAlzuYfb
Having heard them all before, many times.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7KRkgUajWj
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOaxyzUiqAh
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDJp9x040aq
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWX7LP8j2h3
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDiaLltEIjD
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqB0jKDVrBK
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3fnEYBBPNV
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDJNEvq0Brv
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFfjrBhQmuy
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNkMv5eLwNs
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7WXIbYqQjR
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8JDSaMVOth
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ27OEjizZL2
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd2FjHXoa4u
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBaDHE5s0lu
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAOEhIYkiAz
(audience chuckles)493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtL79BDCaEz
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGlgPh8yWS7
I haven't heard from him since.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcdLIlBc5zv
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRQPHBLur5w
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWvXzoys9bP
(audience laughing)493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuXmpfg2WYe
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkrp52Qwtba
She still isn't talking to me.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMYUqlzFb9H
(Keith smiles)493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJqoGZ8lJ0B
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWkFmRxQZLT
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ36uccmXHSZ
but I am on the fence!493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHyWqDYM7Dm
(audience laughing hard)493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyDNMHVdpc9
[He gets on a roll]493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqukFRGs8Fl
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡze9Mblu2zq
She gave me a hug!493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvFAJLdksfg
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC88i2cJ7xm
Hey!493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQFvC9QXaTL
What is the worst combination of illnesses?493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEzC9MRKrJf
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLgBMMxT1f7
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpgevVKLMnt
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVfFuRdMBVc
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6r3QJ35yUS
How do you get a squirrel to like you?493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡghrmWOsGQG
Act like a nut.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdRPKXVglqu
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMHgwrK0U9
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJKxAMSAQq5
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡevIAbfFdSp
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuFf23MuOnZ
So I Left.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqBOflUj4Va
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwq1EqYsI9c
"The steaks were pretty high!"493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCBq0lx8XJt
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPrclxtlj48
Goodnight!"493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtDBl0n9oXa
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyuPhv9n7SX
He went home happier493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUPGnPeASmb
than he ever
Dreamed!493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx9aH24A7cy
493Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDZeiPxK2qT
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.173da2
