Three days I spent holed up in my quarters. It was bad enough I could hear come of the others on the common channel when they passed by, I did not want to be anywhere public to feed their thoughts and gossip. I tried to figure out how to keep Lao'k out of my mind, as well as block the others out. But I had no idea how to do that, nor did I have anyone to test it with, so I gave up. I just wanted to be a normal human again.
I'm an over-thinker, so those days were self torture. I kept replaying my interactions with Lao'k over and over. Maybe I overreacted, he was careful and affectionate with me, he also didn't take his eyes off me often, not even to glance around the room. I assumed he was just a direct person, but the memories I replayed didn't support that theory. He was always looking at me, only me. He said he'd never considered Alyssa, he probably never looked at her. And I threw a tantrum like a child because of my own insecurity. I wonder, if he was human would I have been more open to his advances or just ignored him. This trip to mars is my project. I could be on Mars for the next decade, by the time I return to earth I may already be experiencing menopause. I won't have children...
Lao'k was right, I was thinking of Kishna. I didn't mind having a child if it was with him. He's arrogant, but he's one of the hardest working guys I know, he also has a soft side he'll let me see sometimes. I've known him for 10 years, I've never seen him date anyone. He always talks about wanting a wife, but he never takes a woman out more than once. He said he'd know instantly when he found "the one". Lao'k had never been with a woman, those images of us, were his fantasies. I replayed them too, but ended up feeling sorry for myself. He said he wouldn't have another wife. If he does love me, I've pushed him away. He's been so straight forward with me, I must have hurt him. I miss the smell of him. I wonder, will he forgive me? I was so trapped in my thoughts I didn't know when Kishna entered or left.
On the third day I fell asleep at the desk. I dreamt of Lao'k, how lonely he was all those years, how affectionate he was with me, him rejecting my apology. A kiss on my neck woke me up.
Lao'k!
"Sorry I didn't mean to wake you."
"Kish, hey."
When I stood up to stretch he stepped closer. He smelled of earth and sweat. I don't know who initiated it, but we were all over each other. My heart raced. Our chests were heaving when he broke off for a breath.
"God I've wanted to do that for years."
"I thought you didn't like me like that, you never said anything."
"I was afraid you'd reject me."
We kissed again. I was aroused, my unmet need from before hitting me harder. Kishna's hands explored me, shaping my breasts, cupping my buttocks, pulling me closer to him. I could feel the bulge in his pants. He wanted me. I wanted him. He lifted me to the desk and trailed kisses down my neck, Lao'k fantasies came to mind.
"Kish stop."
He didn't, he got more aggressive as his hands made their way under my shirt.
"Kishna stop!" I pushed him away from me. "This isn't like you."
"Isn't it? Knowing you were alone with the alien annoyed me. The gossip on the ship made it worse. Then you show up in the bot-bay with him. I tried to send him a message, to stay away from you. I made him see how comfortable you were with me touching you or brushing against you. Instead he makes a spectacle by kissing you, and you indulged it! When you wrapped your arms around him, I thought I lost you. I was so happy when you cut ties with him. And that kiss just now, Alei I know you want me."
I felt my world shatter, was I so ignorant of the things going on around me? I replayed that day again and again, I remembered Kishna's hands on my waist as he stepped around me. It was so normal I didn't think anything of it. Or the way our hands touched as we checked the bins, or him resting his chin on my shoulder while we were looking at read outs. I was angry at Lao'k for his display, while I was oblivious to Kishna's. I looked at the man standing in front me. He didn't look like the Kishna I thought I knew. There was a desire in his eyes that worried me.
"Kish I'm sorry. I'm...really confused right now."
He stepped back, I jumped down and fixed my clothes. Things would be awkward between us now. I couldn't file for a change of lodging, the only free spaces are the bunks the laborers use on the lower decks, and it would be unfair to have Kishna move there because of me.
"I don't want things between us to get awkward."
"A bit late don't you think."
"Kish, you are the closest friend I have, and the only person I trust on this ship. Yes I did consider being with you, but I am a mess right now. What just happened... It can be our holiday in Goa. I won't think of it or bring it up again. I need you to do the same if we are to keep living and working together."
He nodded and walked of to the bathroom. I left the room, I couldn't face him again, not yet, I needed to sort my thoughts out. I went to the viewing room on the side of the ship where I wouldn't see the Alythe vessel. There was one other person already there. So I hid on the opposite side of the room.
The hum of the ship and the stars passing by helped clear my head. I replayed my memories of Kishna over the years, of Lao'k, of everyone I remembered interacting with on the ship. I was tired, everything felt like a lie. An ache burned in my chest. Maybe if I didn't have a heart, if I couldn't love, or have feelings, things would be easier. I buried my emotions as far as I could, built a wall around my heart. I didn't want to feel that pain again. I'd had breakups before, but they never bothered me, these last few days feel like they're breaking me.
I returned to the room a few hours later, when I was sure Kishna had gone to bed. I stayed up all night reading journals and running simulations. The next morning Kishna left without a word. I kept working until mid morning when there was a buzz at the door.
It was Klein and two other politicians. They wanted to talk about what happened in the bot-bay. Klein's tolerance for me was eating away as fast as my own for him. He had the nerve to tell me I should indulge Lao'k until the alliance was finalised. This little shit of a man.
"A stranger, AN ALIEN shows up and claims me to be his wife and you think I should drop everything and accept him?!"
"The government's interests are always for the people. The people need to support the government for the good of all."
"The government does not control my personal life, you can choose to execute me, but I decide my life. You will not use me for your promotion."
-
Alei.
I have never been more happy to receive a telepathic message. I ignored Klein and his drones while they tried to convince me, with empty threats and false promises. Mal'k?
I need your help.
What is it?
It's Lao'k, you need to come aboard our vessel. I've spoken with Captain Ruiz, he and Mr. Klein will accompany you.
What's happened?
He's entered eternal sleep.
Mal'k was outside my door with Ruiz, who explained to Klein what was happening before we were teleported aboard their vessel. The ship was so silent it was deafening. There was no hum of the engine, no beep of machines. Nothing, but the swish of clothes and the fall of steps as we followed Mal'k to the infirmary. I was curious about eternal sleep, sounds like death.
"What is eternal sleep?"
"It's a way of rest that slows our body functions."
Basically a meditation method, that allows them to sleep for years, like a coma. They often use it to seclude themselves from society or while they are still searching for their companions, to pass the time. Their souls wander and apparently it's dangerous without a companion.
"Normally those without a companion are assisted by a physician into a pseudo sleep. But Lao'k entered sleep without telling anyone."
Lao'k was connected to tubes and wires. his body lay still like he was dead, not even his chest moved.
"He entered sleep after you two separated. He was fine until last night, he's been slipping deeper, we can't stop him or pull him back. If this goes on we'll lose him. Please Alei, I can't lose my brother. At this point, only his companion can call him back."
I felt my heart ache again, I felt alone. I wanted to rush over to him, to see him looking at me. I felt like a hypocrite, minutes ago I was angry at Klein for trying to push me at Lao'k. Drew a line in the sand, saying I couldn't accept being his wife. Now here I was wanting to save him, wanting to see his smile again.
"How do I?"
"Reach for him like you do to read his mind. The bond between you goes beyond conscious thought."
I thought of myself reaching for him, he seemed so far away like a fading echo. I tried to get closer to him, my body was a weight holding me back, in trying to get to Lao'k I felt a snap. I was suddenly cut lose. The weight gone, I rushed forward to him. He was wandering aimlessly like a lost puppy towards a freezing black hole. I called out, but he didn't hear me. When I grabbed his hand, he registered it was me and his eyes lit up.
Alei.
Come on let's go, Mal'k's worried about you.
He smiled at me as we walked hand in hand, our fingers intertwined, then he disappeared. Ok I got to him, but how do I get out? I kept walking away from the black hole waiting for my turn to disappear. Nothing happened, except an occasional tingling feeling. Was this a trap? No. Mal'k's concern for Lao'k was genuine, I felt his fear when he first reached out to me. So how do I get unstuck? A pair of arms circled my waist and I felt his breath on my neck.
Do you remember your body?
I live in it, it's hard not to forget it.
Build me the image of your body.
I thought of my body. I was 5'9, skinny as a skeleton. Recently graduated to a B-cup, but still flat chested, no arse. Dark brown hair in a pixie cut, thick eyebrows, annoyingly long eyelashes. Stubby nosed, Buddah eared, butt chinned, toes like fingers, with scrawny scarred hands. What color are my eyes...
Deep brown like your hair.
I opened my eyes to a ceiling I did not recognise, Mal'k and the others looking down at me. I was lying in the bed with Lao'k's arm around me.
"Good morning beautiful." He whispered against my neck.
Lao'k later explained that I had died. Well sort of. That sensation of my body being heavy then the snap, was my soul leaving my body. They had brought our doc over to revive me, must have been the tingling sensation I felt. Lao'k and I sat down and discussed what happened, I apologised for how I reacted, for not trusting him. He also apologised. We agreed on two rules; he'd keep the skinship to a minimum; and I'd read his mind more often.
Mal'k also continued his talks with Klein. As compensation for breaking the talks, he allowed some of our engineers to study Alythe engine technology. Klein was happy with the end result and more or less got off my case.47Please respect copyright.PENANAc5x4A0DYe7