x
下班回家，淋浴。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0JW8mUacQv
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsKHvOIdIKm
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡONn7CNBqYj
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcQUW6Gnx6L
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujSN7tdvIo
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmECgLBKhoy
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡImSwYPmHcC
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAIAUQ3zuHs
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMwj71IlpIp
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr490osSZWt
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4rY16a6IcP
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQVgWYKdZ2B
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv7UnbEiUOv
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKtSdeMysVO
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRytK8jOc0y
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwICmnVXo1b
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpV2fwFJsN8
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEfsGLtlsKB
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUppVkC4N9b
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDERDViKbrS
啪——啪——581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcf4ihD8FSb
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlmFlK8h1fy
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs17HrxzL8S
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlxcczsM1vz
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0EI79WBIXn
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhkpbYAFmSk
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXZSCCQUbgH
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtBw2RJ5pID
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8vyGYgQ1YP
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyq1Yhmvq4c
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡucDlUSHUxK
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbR7aaXxuMs
算了吧。沒所謂。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxGomTtjDcd
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYR5aQk47HL
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHULX0Pq3jL
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡACVRqBuLRt
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm9T5Jpcd4g
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw5txKqTSSn
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKfBdKyUVPj
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnvv1F2KsUE
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuCVbeMjWp2
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgVXOdy0icR
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS1WCZWVoJE
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI7BwDh7JWe
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLDcev6a4Y
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz87cBzNunI
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjEhVquGpTe
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡniRJVTUend
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi2cwOzVJlu
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6FxeeVpvnU
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE6i8z19lQS
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEAxL7FJyDv
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzvDRhkR7bj
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvz48pAJqZt
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI6ETIuP3cP
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡteednFc8QB
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0bknxP3Hrc
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHwU8Lhepyy
我頭也不回開門離家。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAY4qIDphD4
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrnYUZLp6vL
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVJoLApqSOT
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLfqDwlOxdR
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNod05bnwru
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk7PRalAXd5
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5VtRhUSnPG
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbenycF8OB0
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdxsxtvrlEw
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5XPUULosl
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNGEQwvRKjK
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrBjdbwOcdM
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5f05wLrE16
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmwKToWrsYB
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIl63BPadNp
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdjYATPP4WE
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdB0JMdZcfK
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzOrvJbDPqa
「你不開心？」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0YJZl3jw2r
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡescHcCTfqy
「是的。但與你無關。」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtX53xUJKTy
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL4tEhbc6cF
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc70xiu68ua
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeVqvTp3K1P
「還有菸嗎？」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA7c1sA0QmP
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPrFMRmjgVr
「有。」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI6VNG0m2f3
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxdbbDM16BK
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1vlfbOdaJf
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡImG8IU8aJT
「俊仔還好嗎？」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKKGTnuNmhM
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ84U5Zxmz9
「與你無關。」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjdBhy5oDjA
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkaenYhAag8
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZXSp2IURCa
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHvmZq26Uua
我幽幽一笑。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqgNRaIUMIQ
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEM7EUfsVKX
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHbUgsi3Tg9
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDgv5LCZSYf
「多少？我付！」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlrsk0lGygN
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs4b3jh27g0
「五萬七千五百元。」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡviDeBTcQ5q
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡESbc682pQf
「好！沒問題！小意思！」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9NaH7pDLgA
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMh7XelQcFm
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdpPXGHU8zz
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3CYDiTTjA1
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU3sipTq7Qs
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPcbfayfpFH
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3LFA6qdNSD
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE47D5CCLng
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkBuMKSewQA
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiyCtTFcY1g
「阿顧，對不起。」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJse1CRZzc
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyPJfFV44HN
「道歉有屁用！」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCRiohHS8gN
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡniXEAMP3Ba
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRKAsUwnbyt
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJp1UYxmC7a
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRYmTSD8iaT
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhFD7jfS6S2
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUvAiBLIktl
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgCl1dALxTJ
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡabmbOGwmVl
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpJFTOwGf6t
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Io32KjZYK
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmCD3OYx05V
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDzQzdCaUgt
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxNjkIaoA94
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPy8XZ5E8XY
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhSP92fL1bf
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX0dyYVZ0ge
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz5Ake8FmKM
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkDmk3r8jWQ
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7cpPAMSkjg
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqpcr1asrhc
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ56aubDUmUh
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrGuoBd9z5S
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKeDAyTiWMO
我活該……我活該……我活該……581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZgGSRqHEcA
581Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfEE5UdvrEm
我如此催眠自己。
