下班回家，淋浴。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5eQr9GH7T8
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvzGLJXvG39
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5MEa8U1NbO
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN9vKaqOEip
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoxf62D9uya
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnWORIpdIO2
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjgseP548x2
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOoQKW76dF7
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8YmTIvKinl
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC92N2j9kla
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9EtBA2Jfxp
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkda9znQwMs
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWlq6nKhCnE
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBxLBfaAf6E
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ55FalUpWHG
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjDZ2ti1jFT
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvbGWnOgeDz
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2QSNSirVNJ
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLnbLgtGwZp
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUsiVqnI0nN
啪——啪——646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGSU5zfDSrT
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2GK4hVapVD
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpj7mnlUoyV
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Uao6yTAgr
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0eFuCya1AM
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa71bpRD6QM
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVQAzqutU3D
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4kqa5H0aSB
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA9TwG62Fnt
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyvKGNHGRZJ
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDi8IbOroST
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9CqywVESUd
算了吧。沒所謂。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhthTDv112R
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQhLEmYeIFo
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7oYVPMMhgX
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgp0rZk8ASb
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsG6uVtKEhJ
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSFoYpMQXEJ
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7zDV6uWcsr
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkicAvWitrc
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5fgTqQBNSK
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYDJtVjASYi
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkIWmuVV1EU
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡikK7BlHjGO
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzyyMAQMvFr
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiwPYlqC0Z0
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcyZYV60oSZ
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrcjNldmYJE
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqfbbGlHjeo
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxmxS18FPTL
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡctn0CInl9K
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDktbFDpcgq
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiN6FowStxv
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOeE3skQ34a
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHYzGx7Iznp
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCFWToSrzaK
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqy5JeCwTCw
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJcucbwSJaU
我頭也不回開門離家。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSwVMKHiYeK
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjQZSAgq5pm
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe923NVDXqe
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHw1Kx5IWU
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIT2lpkKMz
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpbvDbGEaBO
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpxRr9xA3DR
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHN7CmTyqqB
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Yk1T2PsAz
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbvBpkHVhvK
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡASxohLrDsm
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIAPPGkH4PJ
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ypcC1bn2m
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpZ5v7B0VuJ
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8x0qG0haqc
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdySMs9Jy8d
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAMbBDr6bqU
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ90ltJY4Ggc
「你不開心？」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf8ZUvhuEkL
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjgnjdcVcaw
「是的。但與你無關。」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbgB6Se3G3p
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡms4wrPR9HU
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8A8zgg5xOV
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGzRuyEm9k1
「還有菸嗎？」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWtVg6JOpN6
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj3fD3R7rqU
「有。」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm3FKErhGJV
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6b5ynp9xgX
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbUvMUj9wNW
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ0x2S5qRLV
「俊仔還好嗎？」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKm2MTEfRdx
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsKcyCqTEfQ
「與你無關。」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIveeiUk94B
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyW1oFDGs0v
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNiFDQQuCHs
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj5YJFJJMY6
我幽幽一笑。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHyYOZqxME2
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUiFF4BY5Hv
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlpwwKtRw0x
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBJRUXlfzi1
「多少？我付！」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtQb7N3yRqp
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡawj1s2Xq06
「五萬七千五百元。」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQCohUJo4ol
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhvCIkxRfL2
「好！沒問題！小意思！」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEvF2aRTKsG
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqZXfmbVatg
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTVQZUiez9y
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡByV8WULh6M
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuTICZp5mTk
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzqYZZJiXW8
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBndZLLdzfr
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtmeBsV7AfK
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvjbmUkmeGr
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSUkuiSJ9pU
「阿顧，對不起。」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMNbIrbGr0D
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZ4zSNQNCC
「道歉有屁用！」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZ0y9oICsS
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPuP6F1WtCZ
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtce21SrZ7i
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9P7mEryaSP
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJgb2OGFnVe
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡns2dO33P6x
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVcu5KcIcJE
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMFBo5hFkd
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡud8LdNV8Md
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE1GxAYlnvQ
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO05RmOR2uC
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP8rRkOqw8r
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuXQBh0rVvy
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡatYoPGhzhh
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD4VhgKKYhT
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLeSzjhiXSl
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUDb6XymtwO
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIxwV2ZHRF4
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ87JQ65uw4V
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFY8uHKVY5l
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRnpRhjowd0
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0p97q3Fe6p
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoW7gMJBDzj
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡem1Xrhch9p
我活該……我活該……我活該……646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBE3uO2v2Yr
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvaLqykF1qh
我如此催眠自己。
