My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 158Please respect copyright.PENANA4hGYiHWtFU
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"158Please respect copyright.PENANAj3wBilKbDp
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)158Please respect copyright.PENANAdsGXkX76pt
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."158Please respect copyright.PENANAHjDtEjEDIn
Hmm... 158Please respect copyright.PENANAUo9InBaY5C
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 158Please respect copyright.PENANAln0Schuoud
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 158Please respect copyright.PENANAKonk4REy7F
"You can have have all the adult toys."158Please respect copyright.PENANAfEKRRRmkXb
Except for the pecker enhancer!158Please respect copyright.PENANAfu5iXwQnsm
"That's all I need..."158Please respect copyright.PENANAUdXTJ51dJu
"Wait!"158Please respect copyright.PENANAk7O9xoKDOx
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?158Please respect copyright.PENANAHEOkrsfJe1
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 158Please respect copyright.PENANAukm193yrNe
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 158Please respect copyright.PENANA5xTUXgIk1V
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)158Please respect copyright.PENANAcWuw6NmGZp
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"158Please respect copyright.PENANAlkwQOanNoo
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"158Please respect copyright.PENANAQHJyPZpTUA
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!158Please respect copyright.PENANAWUYMdxtQHx
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?158Please respect copyright.PENANAgOCPr9v0G0
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!158Please respect copyright.PENANA2mAfqoXOx2
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 158Please respect copyright.PENANAZKbBUdJpq1
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...158Please respect copyright.PENANA8jQaTilXTG
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...158Please respect copyright.PENANAPWCAK6Sd4E
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you158Please respect copyright.PENANAZ8KqChlfc0
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.158Please respect copyright.PENANAlK5JmiljGx
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.158Please respect copyright.PENANA3VDjDaC4Fk
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"158Please respect copyright.PENANAJTU80pUNU3
(Sarah laughs)158Please respect copyright.PENANAHSYVLBqqMY
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."158Please respect copyright.PENANAipDEve5xPj
"Gosh Darn!"158Please respect copyright.PENANAI1PR18u3c9
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...158Please respect copyright.PENANAKpGem7j50T
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 158Please respect copyright.PENANAFB7uBSRAbm
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)158Please respect copyright.PENANADU3CceL5Zy
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"158Please respect copyright.PENANAgQDVshGlPk
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 158Please respect copyright.PENANAMkHJu3IEhO
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."158Please respect copyright.PENANAxL7Fs8stSF
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 158Please respect copyright.PENANAHwI3o5XZVR
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.158Please respect copyright.PENANAbMJgcHPEij
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...158Please respect copyright.PENANA8OkekWmkVA
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"158Please respect copyright.PENANAcsxi8Gx8Pe
(Sarah says what)158Please respect copyright.PENANAPJQSfhulkC
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."158Please respect copyright.PENANAobX3iMtSaQ
(he laughs and Sarah winks)158Please respect copyright.PENANAVnSYBDGaqs
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 158Please respect copyright.PENANAcvQNiGO7YH
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 158Please respect copyright.PENANAI4XNwaUxUv
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"158Please respect copyright.PENANAmRSJupOcjb
(Keith laughs hard)158Please respect copyright.PENANAqQwNDgbRJN
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"158Please respect copyright.PENANAOejSaLiujh
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.158Please respect copyright.PENANAEY1nUb2wRn
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)158Please respect copyright.PENANA02TuUkSJQU
Honey,158Please respect copyright.PENANAAt63chBd4U
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 158Please respect copyright.PENANAQdHcCGA4ME
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?158Please respect copyright.PENANAYCenQ6321S
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!158Please respect copyright.PENANAUwEZ22MU0J
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)158Please respect copyright.PENANAt8ElsAtMGD
Keith says,158Please respect copyright.PENANAUIYjL0Nd6G
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?158Please respect copyright.PENANATr1un0fHH0
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."158Please respect copyright.PENANAA17WtAnOri
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)158Please respect copyright.PENANAhCdrIPHoTb
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 158Please respect copyright.PENANAsuqlmqfc97
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"158Please respect copyright.PENANACyOTYxIwVV
"Ground beef!"158Please respect copyright.PENANAshSiMNvWOT
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.158Please respect copyright.PENANAeaA8ktqWWr
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 158Please respect copyright.PENANAa9QjZXg9kP
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 158Please respect copyright.PENANAIyUWI1v2y7
Lawsuits.158Please respect copyright.PENANAyhJwgCCK8f
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.158Please respect copyright.PENANAuCOmVu8bmS
Keith's friends knew him as the 158Please respect copyright.PENANADKXRXNisJ5
Clown Jester of Bakersville.158Please respect copyright.PENANARfSWuGq7Ff
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 158Please respect copyright.PENANAgwFhGTxgHc
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"158Please respect copyright.PENANAIwX9ZvRLU2
Because he was so outstanding in his field!158Please respect copyright.PENANAFKPaLh0Skl
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.158Please respect copyright.PENANAwjt3qXgQTJ
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.158Please respect copyright.PENANAUK9oTEsRjO
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 158Please respect copyright.PENANAjJEBSzeoTi
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.158Please respect copyright.PENANAJ6e5e1Mc0Y
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"158Please respect copyright.PENANAnbiucFZhN7
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.158Please respect copyright.PENANAns1Qkf80aw
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.158Please respect copyright.PENANAAPzD3zsqEa
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 158Please respect copyright.PENANAKRNuQGAxr8
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.158Please respect copyright.PENANAjQrIHyRgRJ
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 158Please respect copyright.PENANAWSQkAt02IW
Having heard them all before, many times.158Please respect copyright.PENANAcuzQE4swO5
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.158Please respect copyright.PENANAXDhJTSvgEn
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 158Please respect copyright.PENANAG14gFE7Jfk
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.158Please respect copyright.PENANAxMzRmx9vn7
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 158Please respect copyright.PENANAYAChZ3A9PL
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.158Please respect copyright.PENANACswZ5r6L05
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.158Please respect copyright.PENANAWHXxlYd5Un
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.158Please respect copyright.PENANAKgNRDAmPGv
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.158Please respect copyright.PENANA75V9cRfor1
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.158Please respect copyright.PENANAgMDX9VpX0o
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.158Please respect copyright.PENANA9a4zPoJzwO
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.158Please respect copyright.PENANAEF8dL8uRSF
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.158Please respect copyright.PENANAecvcKuiThC
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.158Please respect copyright.PENANAM1yYrMMWTR
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)158Please respect copyright.PENANAx7lSELVXOu
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!158Please respect copyright.PENANAZmoPjerwCb
(audience chuckles)158Please respect copyright.PENANATcFNo9ws1d
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."158Please respect copyright.PENANA6IrGgKIxUE
I haven't heard from him since.158Please respect copyright.PENANApqIa7FZ79g
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."158Please respect copyright.PENANAC6En2gJ7JB
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.158Please respect copyright.PENANAiRBFU6KQic
(audience laughing)158Please respect copyright.PENANAS4YV4ac0Gt
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 158Please respect copyright.PENANA6mTJEH8UuZ
She still isn't talking to me.158Please respect copyright.PENANA5UpfAfkoc7
(Keith smiles)158Please respect copyright.PENANAqDmTIN9WVT
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'158Please respect copyright.PENANAtNaqqxdVOP
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 158Please respect copyright.PENANAQvidti61Wr
but I am on the fence!158Please respect copyright.PENANAjYWjNW6uac
(audience laughing hard)158Please respect copyright.PENANAdgDZ635cjt
[He gets on a roll]158Please respect copyright.PENANASjY9Yy6SzA
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 158Please respect copyright.PENANAj9EAwZ4eWL
She gave me a hug!158Please respect copyright.PENANAllNco5sYw3
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."158Please respect copyright.PENANASpou2IGW6c
Hey!158Please respect copyright.PENANAPzqRTi3h7K
What is the worst combination of illnesses?158Please respect copyright.PENANA80NSpz3MtU
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."158Please respect copyright.PENANAWnJ72S5M5Z
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"158Please respect copyright.PENANAQkElh2bocj
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"158Please respect copyright.PENANArIw7JTGlAw
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."158Please respect copyright.PENANASJ8QJavITa
How do you get a squirrel to like you?158Please respect copyright.PENANAr4wv8H1Q8R
Act like a nut.158Please respect copyright.PENANA5RFOXWSzDH
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.158Please respect copyright.PENANAuuJIxJ6R4b
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.158Please respect copyright.PENANACgIsq5ZTZr
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.158Please respect copyright.PENANAIkCVzkacdC
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 158Please respect copyright.PENANAhTwmMU15Lc
So I Left.158Please respect copyright.PENANAU8WU5697Em
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.158Please respect copyright.PENANAMYny1uva7J
"The steaks were pretty high!"158Please respect copyright.PENANAhlCGGGeti5
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."158Please respect copyright.PENANA7AIvwHQtvx
Goodnight!"158Please respect copyright.PENANAWb2wJXybp5
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)158Please respect copyright.PENANAyWMKhzBeZq
He went home happier158Please respect copyright.PENANA8dwq0H1ZbL
than he ever
Dreamed!158Please respect copyright.PENANATy2vukVSDl
158Please respect copyright.PENANA9WOL1Y4SAY
© Charles Kemp
ns 172.69.58.118da2