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Awake Hours
Writer Charles Bowker
  • G: General Audiences
  • PG: Parental Guidance Suggested
  • PG-13: Parents Strongly Cautioned
  • R: Restricted
122 Reads

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Awake Hours
A - A - A
Charles Bowker
Mar 10, 2018
16 Mins Read
No Plagiarism!8MufgINoX1khaLUevf7Iposted on PENANA

Part Icopyright protection17PENANAfyQ0Wz5KB4

***copyright protection17PENANAjJROY7wMwu

[Again.]copyright protection17PENANANRLXDFc8Vk

[Again].copyright protection17PENANAQbSHcPghzS

I’m shitting my brains out. On a toilet, fortunately.copyright protection17PENANAmTBdHAldnS

I actually almost laugh because it’s so intense the way my colon is spasming, but then a sneezing fit takes hold of me. I put my tongue to the roof of my mouth to try and stop, pouring from the eyes and nose and feeling as if I’m about to break a rib. The sneezing subsides, and the muscles in my torso get a chance to relax before a wave of nausea makes them tense up again.copyright protection17PENANAHaJt8m9kv5

The flu-like chills rushing up within me begin to converge in a dissociating head rush. Converging, compressing into vibration, sound—a long, drawling buzz that opens up into a melody, both ancient and familiar, and sends fire ants crawling across my skin . . . some song I can’t quite remember . . .copyright protection17PENANAFlgy3snjKW

“And. If. You. Feeeeeeeeel that you caaan't go ooon . . .”copyright protection17PENANAb6QNkxoGLL

In my head with black images of rot and death, enemies and loved ones from my past are harassing me. They grab me by the head and press their suddenly corpse-like faces into mine and scream, then burst into laughter at my reaction. Their bodies darken and distort, stretching upward until they stand fifty feet tall—formless demons jeering, saying—copyright protection17PENANAysWiW4F5pa

Hey, you okay in there, buddy?copyright protection17PENANAa4wrCzTZTD

The sudden contraction of my esophagus brings me back to the physical, as vomit finally joins the party.copyright protection17PENANAW5KNS4khK5

“Jesus!” the man at the door yells.copyright protection17PENANA3iyZBu4gAt

There’re worse things, but precipitated withdrawal is still bad enough to put real Pavlovian fear into you. Any normal person who experienced it would quickly decide once is enough. But addicts, and junkies especially, are relatively abnormal, in that they tend to take illogical risks with things such as their health and reputation.copyright protection17PENANAqLyXcbw6bp

Long story short, I even suck at doing drugs properly.copyright protection17PENANAJ7uuVnyfFj

Stumbling out of the gas-station bathroom, visibly sick and still hearing Led Zeppelin, I run into two gorgeous women. As they’re walking out the door, one of them looks my way and then turns back to her friend to say something and laugh. I’m doing nothing to mask my misery, so I can’t say I blame her. A man without his pride is, everyone knows, hilarious.copyright protection17PENANAlIBUIdpNtZ

The other one looks at me, neither frowning nor smiling. She just stares from behind her white sunglasses, wrapped from shoulder to ankle in a white dress that she’s wearing like a sundress. Her sandy-blonde hair is wet, the skin around her cheeks and on her shoulders a little red. Her bare feet are covered in sand. She’s fresh from the beach, looking like a kind of runaway bride.copyright protection17PENANAgUKPRX0n3b

The girl in white and I share a gaze, and I feel . . .copyright protection17PENANANNjiheFQul

I feel an awful bubbling in my gut. I also hear it, and probably so do the two girls. I wave a hand to dismiss myself, then turn away from the Florida warmth and sunshine just out of reach, back into the cold stink of the bathroom.copyright protection17PENANA9P4LJMY8zr

America, they say, has been dealing with an epidemic of opioid addiction. If that’s true, then chances are you’ve heard some of this kind of bullshit before, so I’ll try not to whine so much.copyright protection17PENANA8QmTFdQGAU

Or at least try not to sound like I’m whining so much.copyright protection17PENANARoHaGZpmPT

I’ve been an addict almost my entire adult life. My plan for the past few days has been to get clean. For the last time. And on my own, this time.copyright protection17PENANAHYILKsyIB8

My previous bouts with sobriety have always been forced upon me by circumstance. There was always someone else with a vision of what my life should be like. In the depths of my escapism, I would dream, but I had no vision. I had no plan. Now I have a list.copyright protection17PENANAaJZwDFJulk

There are bad drugs, the ones that set me on an indefinite retreat—making camp for a few hours here and there to get as fucked up as possible before pulling back again. Swift, self-gratifying hit-and-run operations being played against vague ideas of what my life could be. The existential angst game.copyright protection17PENANAocI6np5MLV

The bad drugs list contains some illicit substances, but the majority of them are widely prescribed.copyright protection17PENANAFtUoeEQNnr

My list of good or okay drugs is almost entirely made up of illegal chemicals—most psychedelics, for instance. I’m no expert, but I do have a long history of enthusiastic experimentation. If someone wanted to ask my humble opinion, I’d tell that person that the only difference between passing a prescription slip to the pharmacist in the lab coat and handing a wad of cash to some dude in a cigarette-burned hoodie is a matter of permission; that in the end, both a doctor’s word and a dealer’s are all but equal in their lack of utility when compared to your own subjective experience; that no two central nervous systems are identical.copyright protection17PENANAVxbU3OzNiV

But don’t take my word for it.copyright protection17PENANA8H7QNugTh2

I know there’s not a single addiction specialist or drug counselor out there that would agree with me. A lot of other addicts wouldn't, either, which is fine. I’m not trying to sell anything. I don’t have any answers. This is all about me. Even that cult Narcotics Anonymous preaches that you be selfish in your recovery. Whatever methods we use to get clean or relatively clean are secondary to the key we have to find within: A desire to quit for ourselves. I finally found mine, ten years later.copyright protection17PENANAPWvJkJobxL

Ten years after I offered a bug some real estate in my brain. I figured I could evict him whenever. A cliché.copyright protection17PENANADsiOnmDXaW

Now for the cliché of being in recovery. Day to day, as they say, I’ll have to contend with sobriety. Relative sobriety, anyway.copyright protection17PENANASiE09svplM

Of course.copyright protection17PENANAraJWU3Gifd

[Of course], right now my problem has gone beyond my usual day-to-day cravings as an addict, which is why I head to Mike’s house after leaving the gas station and then text him when I pull up. He comes out, lighting a Newport, his mom shouting after him in her Filipino accent.copyright protection17PENANA4SGmH4Jl1T

“Okay, Mom!” He shuts the door. “Alex—damn. Bro, you look like shit.”copyright protection17PENANAhUbWVkoqKJ

“Thanks. Can I get that now?”copyright protection17PENANAdbUW8P0P7f

“Yeah. Where you gonna do it, your car?”copyright protection17PENANA2b8JyPNiaP

“Wherever. Yeah.”copyright protection17PENANAbsKnoFIM6s

Because he knows I’ll be coming into some money soon, but mainly because we've known each other so long, he fronts me a fat little bag of powder. It has to be fat, or it wouldn’t work right now. It probably wouldn’t work no matter what if I had taken a lot of sub, but I hadn’t.copyright protection17PENANAwjErfNgfCo

To us, sub is both a noun and a verb referring to the chemical buprenorphine, both with and without naloxone—which, despite what some people say, makes no significant difference whatsoever. Both forms are usually prescribed to help people kick worse opioids.copyright protection17PENANAvFADp9scrD

Mike and I get in my car for the main event, and you can guess what the next few moments are like. I don’t much care for describing the act itself.copyright protection17PENANA2D6M1vsKiy

I put away my stuff and ritually swab the spot on my arm with alcohol again. I usually get at least thirty seconds of warmth and maybe even bliss, followed by fifteen minutes of a lesser joy, and then a contented homeostasis for a varying number of hours. With the sub still in my system, it's straight to phase three.copyright protection17PENANAdPRSg6Fxmi

“I never get used to seeing that,” Mike says. He doesn’t get down the same way. He prefers absorbing chemicals through the mucus membranes in his nose.copyright protection17PENANAWRXxvmHYz9

“Fuck, man. I was dying.”copyright protection17PENANABBNIoOdQyv

“I thought you were gonna quit.” He says it with a smile. It’s a statement we’ve probably made to each other a hundred times.copyright protection17PENANApMkgEBnj8J

“You know that shit’s fucking unbearable. I’ll quit tomorrow.”copyright protection17PENANAB5BzC6Wk4v

Mike laughs, blowing a menthol cloud over my dashboard. “Why’d you sub?”copyright protection17PENANAtG7gow5CmE

“Because I had it. Fuck. I’m still nauseous.”copyright protection17PENANA7Lqs243pnc

“Some weed might help. Let’s smoke and get some food.”copyright protection17PENANA9ZiKzVRvfW

“You know I’m broke.”copyright protection17PENANA0IC8Y1E4D1

“Come on, I got you. I’ll drive.”copyright protection17PENANAILN8dPcheA

Weed doesn’t help. It never does when I’m dependent on narcotics, unless I’m detoxing. I think. It’s been years this time.copyright protection17PENANAtoAL89H0EW

On the way there, Mike asks me twice to take the wheel while he snorts some powder.copyright protection17PENANAWFEyODAsHe

Our tolerances for opioids are great, but now Mike is out of it, swerving. By the time we finally pull up to the drive-thru, I know he’s on more than just the normal heroin. A woman’s voice greets us through the speaker, but Mike is silent.copyright protection17PENANAtpZgyd6Kul

“Hello? You can go ahead when you’re ready.”copyright protection17PENANAlYJVKS5rSK

I give Mike’s shoulder a shove. “Mike? Mike.”copyright protection17PENANAnOp2mdGXGn

“Uhn?”copyright protection17PENANAb9Naqlnw6S

“Hello? Are you ready to order?”copyright protection17PENANARsRAnBst2k

“Yeah,” Mike says, eyes closed.copyright protection17PENANAdq9DtwR9tx

“. . . Okay, what would you like?”copyright protection17PENANAxEHlP7GdEN

“Okay . . .” And then his chin hits his chest.copyright protection17PENANA5wfW6Dyz6B

“Jesus Christ, man. I can’t believe you drove us here.” I lean over so the drive-thru woman can hear me. “One sec, please!”copyright protection17PENANAUk23XvzOE3

“Of course. Take your time.” Sarcastic static. The other cars hear it, too, is how it feels.copyright protection17PENANAmbH3wxbdKQ

It’s far from the first time I’ve seen Mike like this, but it’s the first time it’s ever happened at a drive-thru. We’re damn lucky that his foot has somehow stayed on the brake, and so are all the nearby pedestrians. I put the car into park.copyright protection17PENANA1QmgNtUl21

“Mike!”copyright protection17PENANAXXlZ0iuA69

No response. There’s a decent line forming behind us.copyright protection17PENANADtklwRSI5D

I shake Mike some more and then check his pulse, just to be sure. “Mike. We gotta move.”copyright protection17PENANAy6tVngohCq

“Sir, if you aren’t going to order anything, you need to leave.”copyright protection17PENANAizoDzpW3Z3

 “Give me a minute! My friend’s . . . a narcoleptic.”copyright protection17PENANAcDwxZ2pRLu

I’m trying to drag Mike over to my side, but it’s not working. I start to think I’m going to have to get out and go around to his door to push him, but then a neuron fires from somewhere behind his glazed eyes, and he lets his torso fall toward me. I climb over and shove the rest of him into the passenger seat, hearing yells of outrage and confusion from a car behind us.copyright protection17PENANAukAYfYfDgR

When we pass the window, the lady gives us a “What the fuck?” kind of look, so I give her one back. Is this not Florida? Can’t be the first narcoleptic driver she’s had.copyright protection17PENANA4yrsc1S85S

“What about the food?” Mike says into the upholstery.copyright protection17PENANAbhvIPuLemw

“Yeah, you kinda already screwed yourself there. We’ll go someplace else. I’ll pass out at this one and it’ll be your turn.”copyright protection17PENANAIRQjP6i4Jy

“Huh?”copyright protection17PENANAWO7ogjp8su

We end up getting some dog-meat taquitos from a gas station. There’s two for me and two for Mike. I’m on my second one when Mike takes a lazy bite out of his first and holds it in his open mouth, not chewing. Whatever. Then I hear a small thud as his taquitos hit the floorboard.copyright protection17PENANA1EMwmB17Qo

I go back in the store to get him an energy drink.copyright protection17PENANAEzfuT4Ab9k

Driving back to his house, I’m shaking and shoving him almost the entire time, until he finally chews his food and drinks the blend of guarana extract, sugar, and taurine—although I might be wasting my time. At this point, maybe his parents wouldn’t say a thing at seeing him passed out with taquito in his mouth.copyright protection17PENANAJ68QupaUyC

By the time we get there, he’s regained himself enough, and we sit on a bench in his front yard. He lights up another Newport and asks me what happened at the drive-thru, so I tell him. It’s far from our first discussion about things we did while high as shit.copyright protection17PENANApzhc6DO7LE

Our most infamous moment was the time the CEO of this company we were working for came to our little piss-ant branch. Imagine, this CEO is giving a speech to a room of maybe thirty people. He’s trying to squeeze some laughter out of a bunch of disenchanted and world-weary call-center workers, and it’s actually working. The whole room is showing him love.copyright protection17PENANAvpeLU7QviZ

Almost.copyright protection17PENANAP16YSBn2vW

About to end strong with his anecdote, the CEO says something like, “And you know what I told him?”copyright protection17PENANAFVvX8BAWJm

“ORGH,” Mike snores in reply, face down in a puddle of his own drool.copyright protection17PENANABfLP0FWQbf

“Mike!” our manager shouts, horrified.copyright protection17PENANAQ0hWY9xmc3

Mike sits up, squinting around at the room.copyright protection17PENANAiSYOP7qq39

I’m there, waiting, praying for the look of realization to come across Mike’s face—for him to recognize where he is and that he’s about to lose his job. But Mike just keeps squinting around with his mouth open, faded beyond hope.copyright protection17PENANAMFoyuperfp

“Hey, son,” the surprisingly charismatic CEO says to Mike. “Out partying last night, huh?” He’s trying to make light of the situation, and all Mike has to do is agree. The whole thing’s almost totally understandable—because we’d all had that holiday night off.copyright protection17PENANAH5pY2o8zLk

Instead, Mike says, as if through a mouthful of mashed potatoes and oxycodone, “I hadda work late laz night.”copyright protection17PENANAC3cBS1IirM

And he goes back to sleep.copyright protection17PENANArerQMWf0nv

They ended up asking me to drive him home, then asked me about my pupils. When my response apparently failed to show proper concern, they let me call a cab for us both.copyright protection17PENANAp5BP3DdbdZ

A thousand stories like these—a source of great contemplation and humility when we’re alone, but they’re only hilarious when we’re telling them to each other.copyright protection17PENANAwP3IrVK9db

“So, you’re really gonna try and quit after today?” Mike sends another cloud of smoke sailing over the lawn, among the loquat trees, the mango. Summer’s over and the fruit is all gone.copyright protection17PENANAVFpmwciMcG

 “Yeah, I’m gonna quit. I have to.” I know he probably doesn’t believe me, and for good reason: We both know the deal too well. We’re veterans of the real drug war. The only one that’s real to us.copyright protection17PENANAiBMTqPxE1K

“And you said you’re getting that money next week?”copyright protection17PENANAExAHg1C0bQ

“Yeah, why?”copyright protection17PENANAc6vCt2OMO1

He digs around in his pocket and comes out with a folded-up receipt. “Here. Some bars. You can pay me back later.”copyright protection17PENANAt6Cf035xI6

“That’s why you were so faded at the drive-thru. Thanks, though. I really appreciate it.”copyright protection17PENANAimET4VUGW5

Bars, rectangular pills containing benzodiazepine, are an invaluable tool for someone in my position. People like Mike would probably overdo it and waste them, but I never found them to be very recreational. For me, bars are in a gray area between good and bad: They’re as addictive and insidious as any opioid, but I also don’t enjoy them that much. And they’re useful in my current predicament.copyright protection17PENANAw9c2MG5BsT

“I hope you go through with it,” Mike says. “After all that . . .”copyright protection17PENANACWZfb0igx1

“You should quit with me. You don’t need some [profound] reason.”copyright protection17PENANAnQo2JsYE9U

“Yeah . . .”copyright protection17PENANAJG4WIQCNr5

I know Mike’s addiction is partially tied to the fact that it’s also how he makes money. He has little incentive to quit: Living at home rent-free drastically cuts his overhead, leaving him with a greater amount of product he can use himself. But it’s always good to give encouragement, even if it’s falling on deaf ears, and even if it’s cheesy.copyright protection17PENANAH31HidHBtf

Even if it’s a [lie].copyright protection17PENANADR51TPuStD

“You know, one day things will be different. And they’ll stay that way.”copyright protection17PENANAMdjR92HMQ9

Mike takes a long drag and then releases it to the wind again. “Yeah . . . for sure.”copyright protection17PENANASxcTev6W7A

***copyright protection17PENANAbKshMm6geA

“Watch the fucking cable, will ya!?”copyright protection17PENANAT1NdSXfAK5

 . . .?copyright protection17PENANAJCCWwRrDNz

“Alright now, bring the thing inside. Not that way! The door around the corner! Damn new kid.”copyright protection17PENANAeZjGg62nmg

A carpet cleaning crew entering the hotel is what wakes me from my sleep in the backseat of my car, interrupting a dream about yesterday. About the Girl in White.copyright protection17PENANAXghLt9IIKs

Detoxing usually brings strangely vivid, often mundanely realistic dreams—if you can sleep, that is. But I haven’t even truly started coming off yet.copyright protection17PENANAOt5qpBiRf5

I still feel relatively fine, but knowing what’s ahead is already sapping my motivation to get moving. I know today’s not going to be so bad, but that by tonight I’ll be twisting and turning, sneezing and yawning. And by tomorrow I’ll be scrounging around my car, looking for any sort of leftover relief I can find—an errant piece of sub, or a used cotton filter.copyright protection17PENANAqt5K9mQbJd

Probably the worst part is that for the week or two—even longer with certain opioids—that it lasts, there’s no rest or reprieve. Day or night, standing, sitting, or lying down—it’s a constant physical and mental state of something you want to call agony.copyright protection17PENANArHuJsYTbHD

Then you remember a story you once heard. Your grandfather was starved and beaten, tied to a tree by the Japanese during the war. He was living in the Philippines during the occupation, with your grandmother, your father—who was the oldest child—and his siblings, some of whom didn’t live through the experience.copyright protection17PENANADv6IWwkenz

You tell yourself to suck it up, this thing. What even is an addiction compared to actual war?copyright protection17PENANAkO2pzcLqnv

And then a minute later it’s “Oh, the agony” again. Unless you have certain drugs to help you through. If not, you just grit your teeth and writhe around as the hours become days.copyright protection17PENANADPd8yF6sQO

I know I deserve no pity, nor do I want any. I think most addicts would agree with me there—even the ones that come to you begging for change, maybe carrying around a gas can and a story about needing to get wherever for whatever reason.copyright protection17PENANA5ujcdfIyu6

I just want, and maybe even have a sort of responsibility, to have the experience represented to some degree. Call it journalistic integrity.copyright protection17PENANA7OUaetm0TK

I climb over to the driver’s seat and start my car. It’s time to go find something to eat while I still feel like eating, with the little bit of cash I still have.copyright protection17PENANAwxzJG8pNAf

***copyright protection17PENANABFKURXazvF

The second day, there are no carpet cleaners. I wake up far before sunrise and take another bar. I would love to take two, but my supply is already too low. I’m hoping Mike might need a ride to go get more since he doesn’t like driving his car to every deal. Switching cars is a common tactic for criminals of all kinds.copyright protection17PENANAGDuAOI4aJY

I sit up, peeling my sweat-covered back from the leather seat. I got too hot wearing my shirt. Winter would have been a nicer time to detox, but because I’ll have money in the bank soon, I can’t afford to wait.copyright protection17PENANAUfvuYcCoZc

And if the money does seem to come too soon, and I’m feeling tempted, I’ll just run myself out of options again. And again. Until . . .copyright protection17PENANADARovJlGjR

I do actually have plans for the future. Or dreams, whatever. I’m playing things pretty loose, but I truly do want to be clean from this shit.copyright protection17PENANAlZvPzjyDth

[ . . . ]copyright protection17PENANABox7SwjuUi

***copyright protection17PENANAGyTyWohi5A

I did end up scrounging around my car yesterday. I found nothing.copyright protection17PENANAaqzFg9YPNs

Had to change hotels. Hotel parking lots, anyway. Think the manager or someone was checking out my car.copyright protection17PENANA7pRFxJbQe6

I’m not really eating. No appetite. And I didn’t buy any loperamide—itself an opioid, abusable in dangerous, cardiotoxic quantities. It’s just easier not worrying about gas station bathrooms too much, and being seen walking to and from my car.copyright protection17PENANA9VE3uBsLUx

Obviously I’m still drinking water. I bought a few gallons in advance for this, probably much more than the Japanese gave my grandfather in a week.copyright protection17PENANAm4YWKf5J4T

I have big plans.copyright protection17PENANAbci2RPM2G1

Fuck. Another bar, then. And the last of the weed Mike gave me.copyright protection17PENANA8QXNTrpldj

***copyright protection17PENANASzoRv86BRb

The same people have seen me walking around too much. Gas is low. Whatever.copyright protection17PENANAu3nN6eCTgj

What-the-fuck-ever.copyright protection17PENANAUp9Sd2jCow

Terrible gears turning.copyright protection17PENANAWh6k8Ctfek

I’m doing alright. How long has it been?copyright protection17PENANAqIoNvu18oi

Fuck.copyright protection17PENANArjIBbVEuy2

Fuck.copyright protection17PENANA1uk8PtLiIZ

Maybe . . .copyright protection17PENANAC9I1WewYmU

Trying not to text Mike. Bothered him enough yesterday.copyright protection17PENANAgOdZqoV4Tt

Big plans.copyright protection17PENANA7VYr3NVO5E

I’m checking out for a while.copyright protection17PENANAOINwJJKfH7

***copyright protection17PENANA9YVmXmLTqE

[Writhe. Hopeless. Weak.]copyright protection17PENANAmxzkZD7Usd

I need sleep.copyright protection17PENANAygVmNE5xUN

I’m okay.copyright protection17PENANAF3MBqKXbDn

[Hate. Hate. Suffer, always, friend. Always, your friend.]copyright protection17PENANAQZVqkU3sPw

My heart is beating like a bass drum, reverberating through my skull, vibrating the connective tissues to my brain.copyright protection17PENANAFoNAKAfQ89

[Hahaha. You’re cute. He’s dead.]copyright protection17PENANAENdqoDalPO

Fuck me. Fuck you.copyright protection17PENANAIFOE58y9Bo

[Pick your dead fruit.]copyright protection17PENANAGgNtRy46oc

Another bar. My last.copyright protection17PENANAg3Ztto7EJW

***copyright protection17PENANAssCh6IpFR1

[It was never going to work.]copyright protection17PENANA4yhR18q5fO

I hate . . . hate . . .copyright protection17PENANAivRiZlG60q

[I know.]copyright protection17PENANA3tSFKZnaEf

Weak. Hopeless.copyright protection17PENANAbJNsAPB0UQ

[Rejoice.]copyright protection17PENANAPdmHvl3bs3

Dad . . .copyright protection17PENANABvwuagtxq8

[It’s fine.]copyright protection17PENANANCRA5spGtk

Phone’s dead.copyright protection17PENANAxjxU12g4eI

[. . .]copyright protection17PENANA7PdDknUNVl

Out of gas.copyright protection17PENANAWIXNj2gJJK

[ . . .?]copyright protection17PENANA3h3Bb4Er8S

I could . . .copyright protection17PENANA9gImT2KOQF

[. . .] . . .copyright protection17PENANA9Mo6AH9QqS

No.copyright protection17PENANAAu9E5lIKMR

[. . .]21Please respect copyright.PENANAgbkowDpUGf
copyright protection17PENANACW7li1n2Pe

​[. . .]21Please respect copyright.PENANA8od9ujKixb
copyright protection17PENANAIY065ANere

***copyright protection17PENANA72JhGPCpzo

Comments ( 3 )

TheGirlWhoseStillUnKnown - To be honest, when I started reading this I thought that I should stop. This is not something I like reading. But--then, I just couldn't stop reading. And before I realized it, I was done with it. 

I'm not sure if saying that this is good is right but I actually enjoyed reading it. 

Too dark though. xD
3 months agoreply

Charles Bowker - Thank you. It's based loosely on some of my experiences, and it does get a little dark. But there are also plenty of funny parts to come!
3 months agoreply

TheGirlWhoseStillUnKnown - I'll be reading those then xD
3 months agoreply