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下班回家，淋浴。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh18tiBcyDk
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRElc2aEDdj
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDVILM5A9a0
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ANOnM23f2
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDLhFyROhp0
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkU0ZJkufET
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3eDZSgevQ7
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg6kbauRDXR
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrA8QdFu1B
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKZt5kIUUCI
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI4xJm6h3Fy
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeg3sWscoN7
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡenKsjjEyO6
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeGBjNj9W1g
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPXOxgCEsce
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNu5nXmA211
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS44UTxxtNi
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkC12NIOqqg
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNJjUyWUCLD
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoESvnrEg7P
啪——啪——617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ53weql8zpO
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpF72snYOly
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX6DJuvQBef
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKRr2bPfUSV
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOgUQhRfboJ
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2KYGfvLD0M
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2rr18bCLUj
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm5E5lPAfVP
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx6KC7Zp8YY
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDl4ON2iNaY
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnEvTe08X8T
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJLrzs0OBdA
算了吧。沒所謂。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEvae1qJUhN
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJBFrgkRULd
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCo16Q4rZXE
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuXIOKP5h6r
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqfA0akxw8V
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEhR3gJ6fmq
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ9ebi8EH4m
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvHEOu4eMKi
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiOpkZLyoQu
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjisaIl7uon
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8cBCbI8kT8
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZaUVOIOg6C
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxvxcmwZxEw
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa3sJpdJ8lm
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWuHyG5ngoS
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrpchi1lTs0
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQbMNGdawC4
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8k3SsHezRG
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡee9vhjhmeu
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuUoeIYWD3k
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaz3Kxlceaj
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH48QQS3p7E
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa8Iwm3SSla
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ885Du7xOHc
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEe4G11Glpm
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf5E4ih1OIK
我頭也不回開門離家。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwBRewhmx1q
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb12UZCA2Bo
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzn2MHPWFTR
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBIZZJDldtf
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxrlr84u97
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3de0wysfNs
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBiFxWC4qUX
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGReUYwUBnB
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTC9SfTlUk7
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe8CE6l1hbW
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3GLUdDfAOK
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6pP3ar9gdB
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPvRk9INsz9
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3CWhuV7FRy
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaD6jKmMgpc
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrrBWzLFQDx
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCXSFSYiNxz
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfmStLgboBG
「你不開心？」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxRpfA5CLPq
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvO376lkWNu
「是的。但與你無關。」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQRE8muMJZ
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaF3FtNDjq0
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6jmEBG57jQ
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwluo6mhmrO
「還有菸嗎？」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfzoNeyie3f
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVwHHnlDu7G
「有。」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdd8ZwVmSja
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4uyalRH2DG
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMA4B38tQnu
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3V45JV8Oe9
「俊仔還好嗎？」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3bu6KjUuEs
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHjNoP1z0Oa
「與你無關。」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjG3OBCb7LO
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaoVPPULM9Z
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdsm0I4tRrV
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPIkFxRUQKi
我幽幽一笑。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtdjf6LhP8n
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLZ5MZSmWrB
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsyCAjEtiY3
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0VepcgHX0o
「多少？我付！」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN6Gg76UqLh
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlH1wmfIIGx
「五萬七千五百元。」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWYeur9sZdX
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJYVmOb1OHL
「好！沒問題！小意思！」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzC6dkdHS0c
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJOYsT6KT15
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjMgI1WI6jx
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4KQsSzGd2j
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5dOvsEQE0Z
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgoR51bYtcI
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpfuGZfjGpx
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOcqNGkcH6B
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1UMLRZuRHA
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt6alQBwn7N
「阿顧，對不起。」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq1aroppslV
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRVPkRWiHpo
「道歉有屁用！」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDkwEKJRilY
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHln6r352ak
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNJ8Ld933WE
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡke34LQEIAb
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEevvlgLBpE
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡArehumahiB
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6AssPAnX5d
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUmjZgcVYkF
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8R4DVGJDgN
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgclNLOGdyg
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjin2rEL6xS
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrQH9e2iZR4
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ87SR3JVlm6
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJEeI2eYYPu
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQH1TcL8KD3
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhjdsEv2DLO
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZWk0hYkTAI
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLzG07pHM9V
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzhlO8kQ6ip
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxnIwGcUz37
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhsqmP02xEG
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsfocslQNd2
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDOhrms1tN6
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zhRZXExnY
我活該……我活該……我活該……617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9LjjVGRoAc
617Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYj4ZPCvBCS
我如此催眠自己。
