It starts pouring rain a couple minutes later, and in about an hour my classes are cancelled considering my professors live a bit far. It starts to thunder, and the power goes out, which scares the crap out of Aidan, reminding me that he hates storms. He always has, when we were younger, he would always curl up and shake a bit in an attempt to calm himself. So, my first instinct is to walk to his room and check on him. He has headphones on and a book, which I assume is his schoolbook, and he is actually coping.
“You said you wanted help with your English work?” I get his attention.
He smiles and peers up from the book, “Yea, I just needed you to proofread my essay that is due, it is on my laptop. I go to work at 5, so I was gonna ask...”
“Yea, definitely. What is it about?”
“Short story about my life, I kinda made some details a little less, you know... traumatizing... I just needed to check if the grammar is correct.”
“Alright, I’ll read it, I’m already dressed and showered so I am good, how about you?”
“I’m good, you can come in by the way, you look so odd standing at my doorway awkwardly.”
I walk into his room and sit on the edge of his bed as he scoots over.
“Can you answer one of my questions though?”
He nods hesitantly and I start, “Are you doing okay, like getting used to this and everything? I just want to make sure that you are comfortable. I know you don’t like advocating for yourself, so I wanted to check in.”
He runs his hands through the dirty blonde curls around his face, and I get my answer, “What is going on?”
“I’m just... scared, confused, everything under the sun.”
“Alright, so what can we do?”
“I don’t even know... can we just talk?”
I nod as he starts, “I don’t understand why and how I ended up here. I can go out whenever I want, I’m not just wanted for my body, I’m loved for me. I mean yes you were with me for a very long time, but in that 5 years... things changed. I got clean... and then I had to remember, which I didn’t want to do. On top of that I end up highly dependent on you just to be able to sleep, because even with the sleeping medication, I’m having nightmares and waking up.”
He looks up at me, tears in his blue eyes, the blue eyes that have seen and been through so much for being so young. You look at him and you see a person who is so sensitive and caring, the sad part though is how he learned it. He learned to be caring because he had to care to survive, he cares too much for others, but not about himself. His sensitivity is because he is tired of being hurt and he does not know how to cope with the pain and stress that can be given. All around, you’d think of him as broken, and maybe he is, but I think that he just needs to see the good side of life. Not the terrible sides he saw while he was a teenager and for a bit as an adult, he needs to see the sun rising and not having to worry about a job. He needs to feel loved and cared for without having to worry about the repercussions from others. Aidan just needs to experience freedom, and what the world can be, that is isn’t just a cruel and terrible place, that there is hope. For now? I’m going to start with a very simple thing.
“Aidan, you know this doesn’t last forever right?”
“What do you mean?” He sniffs, looking up at me.
“Struggling to this level. You will always struggle for years and years, but you must learn how to cope with it and understand that there is more to life than what you have been exposed to. Aidan, I’m not going to BS you, this world can be terrible and cruel, not everything is going to be okay all the time but... one day... you’ll find something to give you hope to wake up to every morning, to help you cope, to help you live. Some days, you accomplish a whole challenge by just breathing.”
“I just wanted someone to not BS me and not sugarcoat it, the only thing that I wanted to be sugarcoated... well not even... I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me it is all going to be okay.”
“I know, that is something you always wanted.”
“Yea...”
I look over at him and smile, “You look so tired, how are you already tired?”
“I did not go to sleep until 3am, and I kept waking up. I am so tired.” He yawns.
“Well, that is fun. You can go sleep I’ll leave you alone.”
“Wait, I want to talk to you.”
“Hm?” I ask.
“How did you become so successful?”
“I tried my best to realize who I was, and I really wanted to change. It is hard though, but you gotta find that one thing to hold on to, and you gotta break down the barriers around yourself.”
“Can we read the essay later...”
“Yeah, also... you’re going to be okay. Maybe not now, but some day.”
He starts crying and I look over to him saying, “I don’t even know why I am crying so much; it is just so weird.”
“Well, hey... You are letting it go, and crying is better compared to drugs, and some of your other ways you cope.”
I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him onto my lap, letting him bury his head into my chest. I run my fingers through his hair like I always did when he got like this. The sad part about all of this is that over 5 years of his life were taken away from him. He never had a first dance, never had a prom, never went on an actual date, never went to the movie theater with someone and did the cheesy thing where you touch hands in the popcorn. Although, I never did either... we both never got that opportunity.
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