Why does this grief always feel so cumbersome?

It's like the weight of a thousand elephants stampeding on my chest.

There seems to be no escape from this feeling of constant dread that constantly rips at the few threads of my sanity

Everything feels so cold to me as if someone threw me into a tundra that's always night,there seems to be no warmth except from this one person's smile that even now I hardly ever get to see with my own two eyes

I fear that one day soon this constant battle will be lost and for the ones I truly love and care for i worry about that they will be untethered and feel failed from this reality as I am right now...