Chapter Thirty Nine: I'm afraid!
Richard's POV:
It was a nice morning despite all the problems I had, so I was laying on my back in my old room, in my parent's house, reading my textbook, I was so engaged in what I was reading, that I wasn't aware of my surroundings.
I liked it this way, I liked to be ignorant about what's going on in life, this way I wouldn't be in so much pain after all.
And I wouldn't think of Kristen, and the guilt consuming me that much.
I turned the current page of my book, and started reading the new page, when suddenly the door of my room opened, and my mom came in, she walked slowly towards my bed, and sat down on it.
"Honey.." my mom muttered, I sighed and looked up from my book to stare at her.
"Yes, mom" I said, my mom had a small smile playing on her lips, she bit her lips , I immediately knew there was something going on, and she was nervous of telling me what was going on her mind.
"You already know we have pretend Sarah's baby is yours" mom continued "until it's born and then we can be sure it's yours by a DNA test"
"So?" I frowned afraid of what would come out of her mouth after these words, what do they expect? That I should go on dates with her? Playing the role of her lover? Or maybe the role of her baby's father? What the hell do they want from me? Can't they understand that I know that baby is not mine, I don't know whose it is, but it's definitely not mine, I'm hundred percent sure about this, it's my intuition which's telling me, for fuck's sake. But they aren't willing to listen, they don't wanna listen and understand.
Mom was quiet not knowing what to say, or perhaps she wasn't able to, or wasn't sure of what to say either.
"What do you want to say, mom?" I urged her, I was already impatient and my life was upside down, so I just wanted to get over it, and I hoped it's not something which will get on my nerves, since I'm already angry and impatient.
Impatient to see someone's bright brown beautiful eyes.
"What I'm saying is, Sarah has an appointment today, and it's only necessary that you should go with her, it's the right thing to do, son" mom said, her eyes staring at everywhere but at me, she probably knew even mentioning her name makes me want to punch someone, anyone.
I sighed and ran my hands through my hair, this was too much, I really can't take it anymore, but then I had no choice. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow in life, that freaking flow will ruin everything.
"You will all regret judging me, and putting me through all this pain" I heard myself say, surprising both of us ,but at this point I didn't care anymore "I know, I did stupid and childish things in the past, but that doesn't mean I haven't changed mom"
" I know son, but you sometimes you have to take responsibility for some of your past mistakes" mom said, and I was speechless.
She was right, this was my punishment of my past mistakes, and I should accept it, I badly wanted to tell mom that this wasn't fair, that god had to take my current personality into account, and my older, worse personality.
"I'm afraid" I mumbled, surprising myself one more time, but it was too late to take it back, and besides it was true, I felt afraid at that particular moment.
My mom's hands reached out to my hands, her right hand grabbed mine, and she put my hand in both her hands, gently caressing it, I missed this, or maybe it was the comfort which I needed more than anything else, and not my mom, but at this current situation, I wasn't sure of what was going on in my mind.
"What are you afraid of, Richard?" mom said, sounding worried and curious, I guess she hasn't heard any one of the male population admit they're afraid, well I have to admit I haven't heard any male say he's afraid too, and the worst part was it felt good to admit it.
Her question was good. What was I afraid of? I had no idea. Losing Kristen? Yes. My parents behaving like this? Yes. My father's hatred towards me? Yes. Sarah's baby? No.Wow that was surprising. Alright next question, becoming a dad?
I stopped thinking for a while, where the hell did that idea come from? It's not like I will be a dad soon, I mean Sarah's baby is not even mine.
But let me just take a few seconds to think of this question, it's weird my answer will be both Yes and No.
Alright I will take it as yes, I stared at my mom for a while, her curious eyes were on me, she looked worried and a little sad, I was too selfish and ignorant, that I hadn't realized that my parents are getting old.
"I'm afraid of everything I guess, mom. I'm afraid of losing Kristen, and my own parents. I'm afraid of not being able to solve the problems I have, and I'm... afraid of becoming a father" I mumbled, and sighed.
"Son, look at me" mom said, so I looked at her as she continued " There's no need to be afraid, I'm always here for you, and your father loves you that's why he's like this, that's why he seems disappointed, it's because he expected more from you, and that's a normal thing for parents, to want their children to be the best in everything. Right now all you can do for Kristen is to be patient, if that baby is really not yours, it will all come to an end in less than nine months, and you guys can be together forever, as for becoming a father.."
I furrowed my brows in confusion, as I saw my mom smiling to herself, her eyes were no longer on me, she looked like she as in deep thoughts.
"Your dad was afraid too, but he became the best father to you guys" my mom continued, she then smiled at me and stood up from where she was sitting, what she said sent another wave of guilt through my heart. I knew what my mother wanted to imply, but I couldn't help but feel sad and guilty when it came to my father, all he wanted was to have two sons and live happily with us, and look at what I did.
"Get ready to leave son, Sarah will be here in a minute" mom said, and walked out of my room, leaving me to my own thoughts.
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