So, when was your first kiss? High School? College? Never? That’s pretty weak, if you ask me. I had my first kiss in Elementary School. Yeah, I was a bit of a ladies man my whole life. You can tell, I’ve written so many books about my amazing life (joking)!
So, what’s this story about me kissing a girl? Well, I’ll tell you. It wasn’t even… On the lips! It was actually on her... Okay, I won’t spoil it for you. But it wasn’t on any girls who you might be thinking of.
This isn’t first Grade anymore. This is second grade. That’s when things get really interesting. I gain a conscious in this time period!
My mom always kissed my goodnight. On my forehead, or on my cheek, it didn’t matter- she always did. And I would rarely kiss her on the cheek back (I don’t anymore… that would be weird), but I still rarely do it.
No, I’m not saying my ‘first kiss’ was with my mom. I would end the story right now if it were.
…
Um…
I’m kidding. Back to Second grade, when the event happened.
I had the same people in my class as the year before- well, I had the same important people from the year before. Marley, Cameron, Romina, and of course, Taiwny. Remember how I said I was most friendly with her above everyone else? Yeah, same thing this year. And I was close with her friends too (no, that doesn’t mean her friends were my friends- you know what I mean).
She made a few new friends in this class. I don’t feel like coming up with random names (you want someone in this universe to be named ‘Abigail’? No? Yeah, it’s an annoying name. I’d rather just not come up with names), so I won’t, but here’s one I DIDN’T come up with:
Anna.
OH MY GOD ITS ANNA wait what
Who’s Anna? Isn’t she that girl from… yeah, yeah, I only know one Anna: Anna Forzen. There’s no other ‘Anna’, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
It’s not like I’m lazy, there’s just… a lot of people named Anna.
Anyway, so, this ‘Anna’ girl. If I had the ability to (come up with a name for her) remember her after so many years, she must have some kind of significance to the story, you’d imagine.
Well, yeah, she was my first kiss.
AGAIN I ONLY KNOW ONE ANNA AND THIS IS ANNA FORZEN I KNOW NO OTHER ANNAS
You’re probably wondering how I got into that situation. Well, like I mentioned, Anna and I were somewhat friends through Taiwny.
Taiwny, uh, told me one day that this Anna girl liked me, and I was like, okay. That’s weird. I’ve never been told that someone liked me. I didn’t really know what it meant. I would hear others screaming about how people liked each other, and then those people would get embarrassed, so maybe it’s an embarrassing thing? I don’t understand a lot of stuff yet, don’t blame me. What’s the point of feeling embarrassed about your feelings anyway?
Eventually An-
Okay this is getting weird even for me I’m just gonna call her Forzen
Eventually Forzen and I miraculously sat next to each other in P.E. class while we were waiting for the coaches to explain what variation of tag we were playing that day, and while we were waiting, she randomly talked to me.
“Hey, Alan?”
HOW DOES SHE KNOW MY NAME
“Hi? Anna, right?”
right we’re in the same class and Taiwny introduced us to each other
“Um, yeah, hehe…”
ugh she’s so antisocial what a pisce- IM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE I SWEAR
“You excited for P.E.?”
Everyone is. It’s a break from learning. It’s one of the few fun things about… it’s sometimes one of the few fun things about school.
“Yeah, totally! But, Taiwny told me something…”
Taiwny did? SHES GOSSIPING ABOUT ME WHAT WHY
Don’t worry I’ll figure it out for you
“Who’s Taiwny?”
Ah shit i messed up
“What”
“Wait haha sorry wrong question what’d she say?”
She laughed. I was a little goofball, I guess.
“She said you wanted to… kiss me…”
Second graders are wild. Some are liars. But I didn't know any different.
So, this Anna girl. I’ve talked to her less than 3 times, and I’ve had less than one year of a class with her. She wasn’t the smartest, I think, and she wasn’t the most popular, I know… but she was kinda cute, I guess.
Weird how I wait to look at how attractive someone is until they like tell me they like me or whenever one of my friends points them out to me… hey, wait a minute…
What is Taiwny doing?
Does Taiwny want me to do this?
“Um, ew? Girls are gross.”
Wow, se-OH WAIT THE JOKE IS THAT IM IN SECOND GRADE AND DONT KNOW WHAT SOCIAL ASPECTS OF LIFE ARE AHAHAHAH
“Hey, no we aren’t!”
“Yes, you are!”
“How do you know?”
“Because-”
“You would only know if you’ve kissed a girl, right?”
Damn, she got me good. There’s literally no other way for me to know if a girl is gross or not. She’s really intelligent. I didn’t even need to think about it. Yeah, that makes sense, guess I have to kiss a girl to understand if they’re gross or not.
“Ugh, fine.”
Yeah, I really just said yes after that.
And yes, what happened after really happened.
No, I would never lie.
She looked to the right, her head turning, and I moved in.
The air felt thick. My throat was clogged. My eyes felt droopy, as if they wanted to fall into the void of my eyelids.
I leaned in, my lips starting to puff out. I started blinking really fast like a hummingbird’s wing. Eventually they shut off by themselves, and I let my lips do their work.
I touched her cheek with my mouth, and I kissed her.
I instantly released and backed away from her.
“AHH!”
“AHH!”
Her scream wasn’t the thing that made me scream. The kiss terrified me, too.
“YOU KISSED ME!”
“WHAT? NO I DIDN’T!”
Yeah, who does she think she is? I wouldn’t do such a-
“You did it!”
Taiwny ran up to me and held her hand up to hi-five me. I was busy wiping my lips off with my hand to not leave her hanging, while the other girl was screaming at me.
“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!”
“I can’t believe you did that!”
Well, one of them sounds happy. After my mouth was waxed, I looked at Taiwny, who (still had her hand up) was smiling ear to ear.
“I DIDN’T!”
I dragged her hand down. She frowned. Must’ve been sad that I left her hanging.
“So you didn’t like kissing Anna?”
“NO!”
Well, I just confirmed that I kissed Anna. BUT I DIDNT I SWEAR
“You didn’t like kissing me?”
Wow, so both of them are gaslighting me. Well, you know me, and I like to do what I do best.
I ran away, never seeing another woman in my life.
I’m kidding, of course, I was forced to see their vulgar bodies practically every day after that day. For the rest of my life. Yeah, my life sucked, I had to look at people.
When I was older (probably around third grade) something happened, though. In third grade (oh wow I’m a genius) Forzen… moved away.
Yeah, just went up and left. I don’t know. I felt really bad. Not cause I thought her moving away was my fault, I didn't care about the cause and everything. Who cares if her dad lost her job, and abus- okay, that’s not a funny joke.
I cared about the fact that this girl, one that I had KISSED, was moving away.
I even wrote about her in my Diary of a Wimpy Kid Do-It-Yourself book. Yeah, you know that tan book Kinney released? I bought one, and… wrote about Forzen in it. There was a section where you wrote down ‘what you would want to go back in time to happen again’, and I wrote in big, bolded, capital bubble letters:
‘KISSING ANNA FORZEN’
Or at least I think, the words are currently crossed out. Guess someone got embarrassed about their feelings?
I also, uh, kissed her image on the yearbook page a couple of times? I didn’t stop for… until like, a long time. I’m not gonna say when. But, uh, I kissed her picture a… lot…
BUT HEY I STILL KISSED A GIRL BEFORE YOU DID SO HAHA SCREW YOU i think i can swear HAHA YOU PUSSY YOU GOT NOTHIN ON MY SECOND GRADE SELF see but neither does older me BUT THAT DOESNT MATTER
I think something’s wrong with me. 121Please respect copyright.PENANAtvqtP07ffj
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