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Ivan Aivazovski, The Black Sea at night, 1879.
"Don't wake me up60Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ55nrheEZmS
I'm trying to find you60Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSVJjvCOLKl
Oh, as I walk through60Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsSwHsXRR1w
You're hiding in the corners of my mind60Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwB2I3oZ9N3
Never fear, I'll be close behind60Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ25Dzfg3ced
My only love, I follow behind you60Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm14btrrh5T
Won't go without you" – Don't Wake Me Up by Lianne La Havas
I could feel my mom's hand in mine as the warmth of her protection calmed me. We carried through pink and blue clouds, traveling where not once did she let me go. Mom looked back at me and smiled with joy till her gaze caught site of whatever was behind me. I looked back to follow but there was nothing but a black space floating towards us. When I turned back around... my mother was gone. I could feel the child in me begin to sob as fear and abandonment compressed my rib cage. I shut my eyes to stop the tears and covered my face.
"Sssh...ssh. It's okay." A soothing and deep voice hovered over me.
I removed my hands and what appeared in front of me was a ghastly boy with black wavy hair and eyes of emerald oak. Despite he wore a hollow smile, no alarm set off in me.
He continued," It's okay. I'm here. I'm here"
He placed his palm on my cheek and I hiccupped. It was burning hot but I didn't flinch. Suddenly, he morphed from a young boy to a teenager, with tired lines in his face then into a man with the most distant and empty stare. His face was covered in blotches of red. Slowly, his fingers wrapped around my neck like serpents.
"I'll never leave you, I'm here." His voice had changed into something deeper, whimsical, and possessive.
It was haunting yet comforting. It fed my insides and erased the shame. As I was leaning towards him, an obnoxious sound invaded my mind, and she awakes coughing. Veronica looks around, trying to remember where she was before coming to her senses as the noise of the alarm is too much to bear. She slams her finger on the "OFF" button of her cell and sees the date. Biting her lips then proceeding to groan into her palms, Veronica reflects on how her dreams were becoming more vivid as they drew closer to the anniversary. In the recent two years, she's had less dreams about Mom and more about J...
The image of the boy pops up like an advertisement, yet her focus is on the transformation from boy to man. Veronica can't shake off the familiar feelings that used to plague the corners of her mind long ago.
I know he's gone. I know he is but that feeling I get whenever he's close, that instinct is getting stronger. And she didn't need this shit happening. Definitely didn't need it close to the anniversary of Mom's death.
Veronica looks down at her tremoring hands before grabbing the phone to look at the time. Work was in an hour, and she's already dreading it. Slowly pulling herself out of bed, she walks to the bathroom yawning. Veronica spends a long hot shower punishing herself by remembering her mother's absence. It feels like her life would draw inward on itself, like a blackhole in any moment.
Thoughts that lay rigid in her mind continue to irritate her like a grain of sand. Was life always this still? Was her life always unchanging? Regardless of her outer appearance, she felt the world rarely changed from her teens to now at 21. She looks at herself in the bathroom mirror and sighs. Her eyes are puffy due to the dream tears and her dark skin dull because she's been so tired for so long. Veronica's sure her lack of sleep produced more wrinkles. Veronica brushes her slim hands through her hair. What was once long and khaki gracing her scalp replaced by a blunt, straight, and mid-neck bob.
"You see this?" She uncovers her head to reveal hair that turned into tight and mahogany ringlets. "A comb won't do shit but J-"
As soon as his face flashes before her eyes, she closes them tightly. The disgust and sadness makes her stomach ill. The length of her hair from that time, something her mom installed so much value and love into, was touched by someone who had too much blood on his hands.
On the same fucking night he-
Veronica runs to the toilet where most of her puke was water and crackers, whatever she could hold down the night before. When she's finished, she sobs violently with a blood curling scream.
The news was quick to report Jacob had killed his parents and spread through the city, including her old high school like wildfire. That was the day he took her voice without doing much to her at all and convinced her mom to homeschool her instead. She vowed if they did ever meet again, Jacob would never be granted that level of comfortability from her again and she would ignore her intuition. Since day one, when they met at the dance, she knew he moved like some sort of omen. Over the years, Veronica forced herself to remember their interactions, obsessed with discovering new red flags though they all were there. He was always there.
She had noticed the blood on his fingers that night and every time they met he smelled like it. She can't beat herself up about it enough. Veronica regrets more than anything not going to the police, never doing much besides squeaking "Stop". Why didn't she kick him out? What scared the shit out of her was that it could have been her. She knew what he was capable of, and it wasn't until a few years ago she realized he could have broken her like a twig from the beginning. But she knows the reason why and she makes herself live with it for the rest of her life.
She eyes the pink bracelet hanging like a jewel on her phone. It's a pretty and painful reminder of her mistakes. Using her index finger, Veronica squeezes the rose quartz shard into the tip of her finger till she can see blood. She licks her finger and goes deep into thought till she forces herself to forget. She finishes her hygiene and takes one last look at herself before leaving in her work attire.
She looks into the mirror in the hallway and observes herself. Deep brown eyes, that were once wide and frightened at 14, are now almond and stale. She stops herself from looking past the surface and turns away, hiding the gaze with her hair. She grabs her book bag and rushes downstairs. As she walks closer to the kitchen, the chattering she can hear becomes louder.
"Good morning sunshine!" Lizzy pinches Veronica's side and laughs when she hears a small, surprised noise from her.
Lizzy was still rebellious. Her ingenue charm grew to become feign innocence, enough to get away with things slyly but the siren in her stayed. With the skin and elegance of a black swan, Lizzy had been helping Veronica and herself live on their own without much trouble.
Her mom died when she was 17. It seemed surreal because she was still recovering from her interactions with J. Her mom had gotten sick when she was 16, and what was supposed to be a slight flu from the hospital turned into something terminal and unavoidable. Even after her death, the sperm donor still didn't want to deal with them and never showed up to the funeral. Yet, he had time to help sign the emancipation papers. It didn't matter to Veronica, though. To live with him would be to live with a stranger and his new family. The rest of her senior year she lived with Lizzy and her dad. When Lizzy had saved enough money from her modeling jobs after three years, they moved out and into a apartment.
Residing in their hometown, Lizzy snagged an apartment 5th from the top floor consisting of two large bedrooms, each having their own bathroom, and a decent kitchen. The living room had a roof that revealed the day and night time. The neighborhood was quite peaceful as well, where they lived close enough to the city without being bothered by the noise. There were a lot of woods surrounding them and there was a beach about 45 minutes away.
How Lizzy was able to get it, especially when Veronica knew she's never owned a credit card, she didn't know but wasn't trying to ask. She was grateful enough that Lizzy got it . However, she also knew she was connected to some generous people, and one of them was Aya, who also became their roommate.
Her and Lizzy had met at a modeling job where they connected instantly. Aya was 23 and resembled a mermaid: long and wispy blonde hair, bronze skin, and doll eyes that were watery always rimmed with glitter. She lived in this apartment alone and though she could afford it herself, she always dreamed of living in something like this with friends. The only rules Aya wanted Lizzy and Veronica to abide by were that she sleeps in the living room not minding if they had the bedrooms. She had told Veronica she felt safer in there, stating if she was ever screaming for help the neighbors could hear her better. Veronica found her incredibly strange but harmless and fun.
It's been a year since they lived here. As a teen, Veronica planned to leave her hometown and its mess, but after her mom's death, she couldn't. She wanted to graduate from university, but she dropped out. Veronica worked so she could pay off debt and afford rent. The things that were important to do felt more like a burden.
Veronica sends Aya a tiny smile as she grabs a strawberry yogurt from the fridge. Aya sits at a round table shoving cereal in her mouth while watching TikTok videos on her phone.
Suddenly, Lizzy grabs Veronica's wrist to spin her around by the shoulders. The sigh she lets out is full of frustration and disbelief.
"What the fuck, V? I thought you said you were off today," furrowing her brows, "You promised we would go shopping for the party this weekend..."
Veronica groans inwardly and closes her eyes. She promised to cover Marissa's shift at the last minute due to some family issue. Veronica begins to search through her purse for her notebook, but Lizzy interrupts her.
"Just...forget it," defeated, she continues," I'm sure it was something important." Despite the calm in Lizzy's voice, she walks out of the kitchen before letting Veronica reply. Veronica looks at Aya who lets out a low whistle.
"She has been waiting for weeks," Aya begins but states," Don't worry, I'll go with her."
She walks up to give Veronica a gentle pat," Bring her something from the bakery. She understands you have a lot on your mind right now..."
Despite Veronica and Lizzy knew each other the most, she has to admit it's refreshing having Aya be the mediator whenever they got into it. And that was happening more than often recently.
"But...," Aya pauses before looking deep into Veronica's eyes," Are you okay? We kind of heard you screaming up there..."
Veronica diverts her gaze to the inside of her empty yogurt cup.
"Lizzy mentioned tomorrow is the day where you...you know...remember your mom," Aya squeezes her shoulder," It seems like... as it gets closer you look more drained."
Veronica quizzically tilts her head as Aya continues," Don't lie. We understand but we want to just make sure you're good. You don't have to deal with shit alone, alright?"
She lets out a shaky exhale before mouthing "thank you" and rushes out the house. She doesn't want to have this type of conversation right now, especially when she has to work a full shift by herself. Veronica wants- needs to make it through the day till tomorrow.
As she walks to the bus stop, she thinks of numerous recipes to coax Lizzy into forgiving her. The early morning transitions from a crisp cold to an early noon chill, where the sun peeks from the trees to slightly warm her face. On the bus, she tries to ignore the strong feeling she's being watched. She's always felt this way but she's trained herself enough to consider its only in her head.
Veronica opens the store at 12pm. She works in the city, surrounded by numerous shopping malls in the heart of it. The bakery is nice, cozy, and quite successful. She's grateful that Lizzy helped her snag this job. Lizzy knew she loved to bake and didn't have time for school, so she urged Veronica to go the easy route: get a job at the bakery. Veronica was immensely grateful because this was the only way to cope for her.
Veronica spends the day baking, checking for expiration dates, and deep cleaning whatever needs urgent attention to. A lot of their clientele is catering orders, and most people that came in person was during the springtime and holidays.60Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVK8eGq8YUE
She would be open until 9PM, so she spends half the day scrubbing grime in the corners of the floors until a customer comes in. The automatic door makes their entrance quiet so when Veronica finally lifts herself from the floor, she yelps loudly when she sees who it is.
It takes her a few moments to come to terms that it was him, yet he recognizes her immediately. Seth, Veronica's old childhood tormenter, looks the same except with a beard and floppy red hair. What was at first pure shock on his face was quickly replaced with sheer malice. The last time Veronica seen him was when he was kicking her in the stomach as a kid. Now, Seth was at her job in a wheelchair.
Over the years, Seth became obsessed with hate towards Veronica, deeper than he did for anyone else. Not only did she get him suspended the first time, but she was the reason he could never walk again. Until this moment, revenge and bitterness were his only life source and it kept him satiated till he would get the perfect opportunity to meet her again.
"Veronica... you fucking... goddamn- "
"Bitch! She cut my ear!"
She was always quiet. Veronica holds the scissors in her hands as she stares at a screaming and bloody Seth. He had it coming.
They were in Mrs. Tomei's 1st grade classroom for art, and Veronica wishes her homeroom teacher never put her in the same class as Seth and his mean friends. He never took his foot off her neck when it came to teasing her. He would call her mean words, comparing her to a monkey or a clown while making fun of her dark skin and wide eyes. Everything that she couldn't fix within five minutes, but she wished she could if it meant leaving her alone.
She never complained, though. Veronica always tried to stay quiet like a mouse as he would make unsolicited and nasty comments in public about her. Even when it started to become physical. What began as tripping her whenever she walked near him to blatantly pushing her while the teachers weren't looking. She never complained because she didn't want to worry Mom.
Today, he had it coming.
"Veronica!" She hears her teacher say as everyone surrounds Seth while eyeing lowly like she was a roach.
Veronica wants to scream "He cut my hair!" or "He kept pushing me!", even "Why didn't you stop him?". However, she can't speak or move. She's crying while trying to balance the guilt and sweet satisfaction. The vision of the assault replays in her head as Seth sobs, cradling one side of his head.
First, she had heard him snipping three braids of her hair. Second was the snickering and giggling from her classmates as Veronica watched Seth use those three braids to rub his butt with and use it like a jump-rope. Third...It all happened too fast. She remembers watching herself, as if in a dream, grab the pair of scissors he used to cut her hair and use them, with all her strength, to snip the tip of his ear off. She almost went for the neck if her teacher didn't grab her hand.
Veronica doesn't remember her upbringing for a remainder of her life. As soon as he came back into her life, so did her entire past resurface. Finally, she was able to pinpoint where the long scar near her thigh came from and why she had a fear of dark alleyways. Veronica remembered why a certain bracelet was important. It took her years to remember with the help of therapy yet they had promised her, consistently, that it was all over. Everything dealing with her past would stay in the past.
"I finally got you. I finally got you," Hatred echoes from Seth's mouth.
He comes up to the counter and proceeds to look Veronica deeper in her eyes with a look that says he wants to strike her. She prays to awake from this and closes her eyes so when she reopens them, Seth is gone but his voice disturbs the bakery.
"I've been waiting for this day for years. I have waited to see you again just so I could tell you how much you're fucking dead. You, and your psycho boyfriend who rolled up on me and took away my legs."
What?
The image of Michael comes to her head, but it was blurry. However, she remembers she met Michael after elementary school so then the image of his face flashes like a lighthouse.
Fuck! She backs away from her side of the counter while clasping her vibrating hands like a wounded animal.
"You better pray to God, bitch. You started this. You should have minded your business in the first place and never put your hands on me. Your deranged dog could have left me alone. We were even. Have fun trying to save yourself from this within a day cause' you're fucking done."
Before he exits the shop, he knocks down the vase that was on the counter for decoration. As soon as she can't see him from the bakery anymore, she cleans up all the pieces that scattered over the floor and cries silently.
I don't feel safe... Veronica texts her boss who only tells her there was no one else to cover the shift, pressuring her to stay by saying she only had a few hours left. It was honestly disappointing to learn her boss didn't value her like she thought. Every other time, they had her back but she guessed their current lack of empathy was due to staff shortage. The things that were important to do were becoming a burden for her.
At the end of the day, as she walks home, she the feeling of being watched intensifies to the point her mind obsesses over it. This time, her intuition was screaming and she could feel it in her bones someone was tagging her. Yet, it was the time of the year where everything was extremely cold and dusky. Most of what Veronica could see was what was under streetlamps and whenever she turned around, thinking someone was behind her, she would see darkness.
She was 8 blocks away from her home, when it happened.
ns 172.70.42.89da2
