Veronica descends the stairs beneath the church, the bass of the music growing louder and more intense. She reaches the bottom and is immediately hit by the overwhelming noise, smell, and darkness of the club. However, as she walks towards the center, neon lights of every color flash in alignment with the beat, casting a distorted glow over the dance floor.
The club was large, able to accommodate more than 200 people, but the lack of windows and darkness made Veronica feel claustrophobic. The music was a mix of industrial and electronic beats that pulsed through her body. Despite the dark, Veronica can see the outlines of people on the dance floor, lost in the rhythm of melodies.
[Pain by Boy Harsher plays.]
She clutches her stomach and takes a deep breath, steadying herself knowing she had to push past her anxiety and enjoy the night. Her therapist had assured her that the new medication would help, but she wasn't so sure. At the last minute, Veronica had to pick up a four-hour shift at the bakery making her late to arrive at the party two hours later.
She tries to focus on the music, letting it guide her movements deeper into the party. She makes her way to the bar, squeezing past couples and dodging dancers.
"Why do you think they're keeping something from you?" the words from her therapy session are loud in her head without noise as she spots what's in front of her.
Veronica close: her eyes and focuses on her breathing, trying to calm the rising panic inside of her. When she opens them again, she sees Michael and Lizzy at the bar, chatting and laughing together more intimately than she would have liked. Frozen, she continues to observe them, slowly shrinking into the center of herself, collapsing with every second of watching them. Tears threaten to hit her face.
Both her regrets eye each other affectionately, their bodies illuminated by the flashing lights. They eye one another as if Veronica never existed for them at all. It was high school all over again, with her too cowardly to move. Too cowardly to even get angry. Veronica wants to walk over there, but she doesn't know what she should do. She didn't even understand why she was angry. Was she angry?
.... She should have been happy with everything going to plan. Everything her and Michael had planned for two years was happening and yet...
"How do they make you feel?" Veronica bit the nail of her thumb.
Just like in high school, she was invisible again. She was insignificant watching Michael the same way Michael watched (and always fucking will) Lizzy only this time... Veronica's eyes weren't as bright as theirs. He never smiled like that at her. She never got that, no matter how many times they were alone. She was so used to settling for the bullshit fed to her that she had forgotten how he really was with someone special to him.
"What are they hiding from you?"
She remembers now. There was no more nails to chew, just skin as her teeth continue to go over it.
"Why do you think they're keeping something from you?"
Veronica watches the pair turn their backs towards her, with Michael's hand sliding down Lizzy's arm.
"...because he's not mine-"
"Fuck!" She hisses in pain sucking on the bleeding finger.
"Veronica!"
The laughter comes before the slap on her back. She turns around to find Aya, lively and energetic unlike her, neurotic and shaken. Aya turns her eyes to where Veronica's was and frowns, but then her expression goes blank as if whatever thought she had didn't make it . She turns to Veronica then gently links arms with her.
"I'm glad you agreed to come out with all of us tonight, we're going to have fun," Aya sounds reassuring as her thumb rubs the inside of the sad-girl's arm," I promise."
They move through the crowd to the bar. Despite the gothic ambiance of the club, there's an unmistakable energy of excitement and release that permeated the air. Overall, the club was a sensory overload, a place where people could let loose and forget about their troubles for a while.
Well, the old Veronica wouldn't have gone. Whoever she was now couldn't imagine a future that meant something. That concept alone was pushing her to tell the truth to Lizzy about her and Michael. A flash of light appears on the two, Veronica witnessing Michael slide his hand behind her best friend's back, only for it to appear on the waist while Lizzy, seemingly oblivious, continues to drink from her glass.
He's not mine.
Veronica's hands caressed the center of her chest that peeked through her dress, trying to massage her heart so the secret she hid would hurt less. She was tired of this game Michael wanted to play. There was no point when it was obvious it never benefited Veronica. What she gained was two years of still feeling insignificant, invisible, and late clarity about her position in his life.
Jacob wouldn't treat us this way.
Veronica halts and looks around the club. That voice didn't belong to her but why was it living in her head? There was no way she would think that- no way and yet...Veronica ran her fingers through her pressed-out hair, scratching her scalp and whined softly to herself:
"I can't do this."
Just tell her the truth!
What exactly would Veronica say to Lizzy that wouldn't break their entire relationship? Oh! Hey girl, me and Michael aren't together. Better yet, we haven't been together this WHOLE entire time. You know why? Michael wanted you to get jealous so you would try to take him from me.
As Veronica and Aya get closer to Michael and Lizzy, Veronica's heart begins to race. Welp, guess what happened, I found out not only would you take this desperate piece of shit off my hands, but you also would rather play around behind my back.
Lizzy still had her hand on his cheek, or the fact Michael still hadn't made any motion to move. Nothing had been said, but Veronica could feel the sense of betrayal forcing her mouth to speak the truth as she approached the two.
You two are horrible shitty friends that do shit behind my back but I'm also not being honest either why should I even be mad? I knew Michael never loved me; I knew I just-
"Lizzy-"It came out like a mouse, quiet like a pin dropping so no one heard it within the club. Before she could try again to tell Lizzy, Aya beats her to it.
"Hey guys," she easily grabs the attention of the suspicious pair," Look who finally shows up!"
Quickly, Michael and Lizzy strengthened their distance between each other. Lizzy, who seems to gag in shock before her expression turns into a brilliant smile, hugs Veronica.
"V!"
Michael follows Lizzy, "Babe!"
[Feel by Xyla plays]
As they both hug her, Veronica stands there silently with her stomach clenching tight from nerves.
"I'm so glad you're here, V."
Veronica begins to write on Lizzy's arm until Michael pulls her away into an embrace.
"I've missed you." He murmurs in Veronica's ear, loud enough for even Lizzy to hear, and slyly brings a tiny glass to her lips.
"Michael, she just got here!"
The shot of tequila disappears into her mouth faster than Michael had given it. Veronica had planned not to drink, but the interaction she witnessed just seconds ago said otherwise. Everything was already going to shit, so why should she be any different now? Why keep being afraid? Maybe surrendering to the messiness would make her enjoy this time.
"Veronica," Michael's coo of her name made her cringe," I know you're not doing what I think you're doing. I see that look in your eye. Don't-"
The fucking audacity...
Veronica whips her head around to whisper in pain," I don't want ...y- "
"Drink this." He responds quickly and her face is smothered in another shot.
She squeezes his arm trying to get him to stop, but he pulls her closer to him with arms resting on her shoulders and face in neck. At one point, maybe years ago, this would have made her knees wobble but now she hates his smell; a musky, stuffy scent mixed with Lizzy's floral.
"Let's just play this out a little longer."
Veronica harshly pushes Michael off her. It was becoming more apparent that he didn't see a problem in the arrangement they had. She was sure he never did at all and was beginning to realize the truth in that. Obviously, he thought he could play around with her and Lizzy, greed more important than their entire friendship.
But it didn't matter anymore. It didn't matter what she said, either. Why even speak up to Lizzy who had no problem with Michael being all over her?
Why not just..., Veronica solemnly thought,... give up?
No one says anything as she grabs the shot glass in Aya's hands to shove it down her throat.
"Whoa! Slow down, Veronica-"
"It's all good, she needs to let lose. Let go."
On the dance floor, she dances with eyes closed. Michael was right, she should let go but not the way he wants. With her new meds and the alcohol mixing, she feels the combo making all the muscles in her body relax. Her body loosens its' grip, along with her mind to every beat of the music allowing it to release her from the cage of her fears.
She wants to tell Michael to go fuck himself. She wants to tell Michael he was a bitch for playing around with Lizzy, with her, and tell the truth in front of everyone in the club. She wanted to see the shock on Lizzy's face telling her she's a bad friend. She wants to clearly say "You knew I loved him; you knew YOU loved him but you still wouldn't make a move until I did." But Michael still didn't choose her. After all this time, he still chooses Lizzy.
She doesn't know how many times she's confessed to Michael, either verbally or through her actions over the years. Yet, he still didn't see her. No matter how much she got used to it, whether in public or private, he was still willing to hurt her. The things they did in private hurt her the most because she didn't have to do that but for him...for him it was anything. So why didn't he choose her?
As that thought plagued her she stopped dancing. He never truly cared for her; not like he did with Lizzy. That was the truth: he never did like her, never loved her, and never will. She knew that. Must have replayed this truth a thousand times to herself.
Michael had made it very clear about what- or rather who he wanted. Her feelings held her back from seeing it and sacrifice more than she could without so much as a "thank you" from him. She cared too much about him.
Well, the liquor will make her care less.
Veronica walks up to Michael, and yells in his ear," We're done. It's over."
"I can't hear you!"
She backs away and stares him right in the eyes, "Fuck you! We're done!"
Veronica turns her back, not even waiting to see Michael's reaction, and staggers to another area of the club losing her friends and ex-fake lover till she's another nameless person at the party.
[Crave You by Flight Facilities Giselle]
Veronica dances on marble floors, not caring if she does it well. The music puts her in a trance and her worries are pulled from her in the stunning blue, green, and red lights. On the floor, she's a star against the negative space of the room and blur of the crowd.
She doesn't know why, but his face pops in her head again bringing grief. She doesn't understand it, but her drunken state could come to terms with what doesn't make sense. Excruciatingly... miserably and painfully she misses Jacob. She closes her eyes and paints his amber ones behind them, along with his lips and strong features. Veronica inhales and, in some way, is able to recollect the aroma of patchouli with burning wood kissing the inside of her. Her skin prickles in anticipation waiting for his touch.
Oddly, when she lifts her lids he's not there.
Yes...there was no logic in what it meant to her, but she, again, was too drunk to go against it. So drunk that if he appeared in front of her now, she wouldn't run. So drunk even if he killed her, she knew he would do it tenderly. Maybe that's what she's was waiting for: the tenderness. His hands, rough and gentle warming her cheek. Maybe that's why it would never work with Michael...or anyone else for that matter.
Veronica understands she's Jacob's, but was left with an opportunity, a possibility, a swelling that was too agonizing to carry inside her any longer.
Psychopath...Coward...Killer...
He wasn't here.
But, horrifyingly, he's mine, isn't he?
The beat drop sends a crying Veronica colliding with the others in the club to keep from collapsing. At that moment, she convinces herself there wasn't enough alcohol in her system because he wouldn't leave her head. She makes her way back to the bar and is halfway through a coke & r*m when her stomach starts to ache again.
"You good, V?"
With an icy, tiny scowl Veronica turns to Lizzy who inhales sharply with a guilty gaze.
"Whoa...what's up with you? Was it something Michael said? "
Veronica ignores her and finishes her drink in one gulp.
"Didn't you say you were back on your meds?" Lizzy continues.
Veronica shrugs and points her drink at the bartender to ask for another. Lizzy's voice becomes successful background noise for her until Lizzy's change of tone triggers.
"What the fuck is going on with you? Hm?" angry as it sounds desperate," Why don't you tell me anything? Why didn't you call me the second Seth came into the store? Or even after visiting Mary-"
"Because I don't trust you." Veronica hadn't spoken since yesterday, little words here, there, and mostly to her therapist. She talks to herself at times to practice but around everyone else, she's as mute as she was.
In this moment, she spits the words to Lizzy with all the frustration and resentment she collected over the years.
Lizzy is taken back and Veronica challenges her by gazing into her eyes, wondering if she was ever a good friend.
"Veronica, why would you think that- First of all, when did you start actually speaking?"
"I fucking know you and Michael are hiding something from me," Her words slur as she turns away from Lizzy,"...every single day. "
"That's fucking crazy- "
"It is, isn't it? It's fucking crazy...how my boyfriend way more in love with you than me. It's fucking crazy how you...knew more about Jacob than I did yet didn't feel the need to tell me. But that's what you wanted, isn't it?"
She wipes a tear away before it could reach her jaw and smacks her lips. She's already forgotten what she's said, but the intensity of her tremors grow.
"That's how it's always been. You, Michael, mom, Jacob keeping shit from me and telling me you want to protect me but...there's no fucking way anyone's protecting me. "
"Veronica-" Lizzy says softly trying to reach out to her, but Veronica shoves her hand away.
Veronica more and more surrenders and downs her another glass. Was she ruining her friendship right now? Was she giving up? If life wanted to swing her around like a rag doll, if people wanted to lie and abandon her then the least she could do was be drunk for it.
"I thought you were my best friend, Lizzy."
Veronica chooses the to lift her head with a bitter gaze, choosing to let Lizzy have all the shitty emotions until she sees tears falling from the siren-like girl's stare.
"Now, I don't want to hear...anything you have to say. Leave me alone. "
"You fucking forreal? You're not gonna' let me explain?"
"Nah-"
"Why can't I be involved in your life, V? I promised Mary I would take care of you! But it's not fair when you won't let me," Lizzy states half hissing, half screaming. "All the things that happened are not your fault. So why do you feel like you can only control it? Why do you not have faith and believe we can help you? We're trying our best but you don't communicate! Why don't you talk to us? We're not doing anything because you don't want us to, truly! We're protecting you the best way we know how."
"How are you protecting me? If you are, you're doing the shittiest job!"
"Because you won't let me in!"
"You're a fucking hypocritical bitch. You wouldn't tell me shit about Jacob, demanding that I stay away yet you ran around with his best friend like you were together, toying Michael along!"
"Fuck Alice!" Lizzy said it with immense disgust in Veronica's face that it makes her step back. "Fuck him! He means nothing to me after..."
She pauses seeming to choose her words carefully before continuing.
"I'm sorry I couldn't help you with Seth," she grabs Veronica's hand and squeezes tightly," I couldn't help you with Mary, not even now besides putting some Lilies on her grave... "
"We were supposed to go together until...Fuck, V. I can't imagine going through half the shit you've been through. I understand a little but...Michael and I are not doing slimy shit behind your back, I promise. Please believe me!"
Veronica shakes her head in disbelief while her thoughts recites Lizzy's words. Was she supposed to believe that after what she seen between them? Act like it wasn't real? She wasn't even drunk that time.
Abruptly, she's captured in Lizzy's warm embrace and her stomach doesn't hurt. Instead, her heart does. Her heart as it meets Lizzy's feels like broken glass and she can't help but cry, allowing Lizzy to hold her weight.
"I'm just scared that sick fuck and his sick fuck-of-an-assistant are going to come back. Michael and I vowed to keep you safe, but you gotta take a chance on that. Talk to us more."
Veronica lets go of Lizzy and grabs the drink beside her. She smacks her lips again in confusion, face turning sour at the thought of Michael.
"I promise nothing is happening. You gotta' believe that."
"I'm trying Lizzy, I'm just...fuck." Her words ease into a slurred calm, hands rubbing her temples because it takes so much energy to talk; nonetheless put the words together. Veronica's vision begins to black out as Lizzy continues to reassure her.
"It's okay. If you want to talk about Mich..."
She closes her eyes and when she reopens them, Michael's back is towards her, rising as her gaze moved across the ceiling. At one point, everything was so colorful, free, and expressive but it was swallowed by club and the only light that could be captured was from people's phones.
[Fruit by ABRA plays]
Everything shifts around her. Not only the room, but everyone. When she tries to look at people, her brain refuses to make sense of their faces unless she gets close. No one exists to her unless she's close enough to see the regrets in their eyes.
Or maybe she's just seeing herself.
"I think she's wasted."
Veronica rocks side to side listening to the music with her balance greatly blemished.
"Is it kicking in yet?"
She doesn't recognize the voice next to her, but she slowly replies," What kicks in?"
No response for a while.
Then, a mutter that somehow she can hear, "Her friends are gone too."
Something heavy drops next to Veronica's feet. Out of habit, she uses her phone to cast a light in the ground and gasps upon seeing a water bottle. She doesn't realize till now how unbearably dry her throat is. The bottle rolls away with brisk speed, so she allows her thirst to take lead and follow. For a second, she think she heard something, a slight yelp in the background following a "pop!" sound, but the music cloaks it.
Finally, she catches the bottle, drinks from it, and looks around to realize slowly shes nowhere near her friends. Veronica enjoys that thought until her vision becomes limited by a huge crowd that suddenly forms. Her body won't allow her to panic, but she can feel the jolts of fright lining her brain as she tries to steady herself against the rowdy crowd. She lazily screams all the names she knows, even Jacob's, and closes her eyes to accept the sea of people.
Out of nowhere, a rough hand grabs her and she begins trailing behind someone. The hand guiding her absorbs all the colors of the lights in the club. She assumes the hand in hers belongs to Michael, but there's no rise or fall of his back as usual. Instead, the body protecting her is sturdy, strong, and solid. Taller too. The idea that it wasn't Michael makes her smile, not fully realizing what else it could mean.
[Jennifer Lara's "I Am in Love" plays]
The familiar, eerie, and scarlet feeling she hasn't felt in a while moves to her occupied palm then her chest. She squeezes the hand that responds with greater tenderness. Veronica's eyes gloss over and roll back into her mind before surrendering to her surroundings. She doesn't know why, but she feels better than when she was drunk on the dance floor. The thumb caressing her wrist makes her forget everything: Lizzy, Michael, as it's touch makes her body pulsate faster than her racing heart.
"I'm in love..."
Finally, all the drinks she's had catch up to her and she splits open. She parts ways from the prison of her mind and allows herself to sway against whoever's arm this is. He smells good, like smoke and his skin is like wood and when he pulls me tighter, I am set to flames. I wish it was Jacob. I lean into his shoulder, and it melts my cheek. He melts whatever worry, thought, existence I ever thought I had away. I can't think. I don't want to think. I miss touching Jacob. I look down at my hand, his wrapped around mine like a pale serpent. A tattoo of a black revolver sits on the top of his skin pointing right at me and it doesn't scare me. Somehow, deep inside, I know I'm safer here than anywhere else. The hall is absent of light, but I release a loose smile. When I look up, I meet...
ns 172.70.42.237da2
