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Jacques Prévert, La Lune, 1900-1977.
"Days pull you down just like a sinking ship72Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡId0eWS13nD
Floating is getting harder72Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVRzegiAzOz
But tread the water, child, and know that meanwhile72Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu2T69O0owq
Rises the moon"
-Rises the Moon by Liana Flores
Trigger Warning (TW): Explicit content on Suicide, death, child death, CA, and violence.
After a year of being homeschooled, Jacob is sent to an all-boys boarding school in Moscow. It's specifically the one for boys like him, who know his parents and know about their business. The first day he steps into the school it's chaos, a haunting place covered in dust, the paint chipping off the walls, and the structure falling apart. There's barely any windows and it's always cold. This is prison to him and he has to fight another boy as soon as he walks through the doors.
They're stuck in a dimly lit gym that can fit four classes worth with boys the ages of 12 to 15. His opponent is 11, same age as Jacob, with light green eyes and freckles. The teachers explain the purpose of the orientation is to test the children's "skill sets" and says it will tell if they belong here or not. However, Jacob knows what this is. It's the same thing he had to go through a year ago, and he realizes this is what his parents trained him for.
"Older men declare war...but it is youth that must fight and die," One of the teachers quotes in such a way it haunted Jacob forever.
He's surrounded by vile people again only this time he's not the only victim. His opponent's fearfulness contrast his own steady pose. No one was speaking English and everything- the walls, the chairs, and the people are all pale and dull. Everything is pale, grey, gray, and green and it hurts Jacob's eyes. He can barely understand his native language: it's different, heavy, and sick.
When they fight, he holds back as much as he can for the sake of his opponent. He's weaker than him, so Jacob tries to give the courtesy of not breaking his jaw. But for the rest of the fight, he begrudgingly blocks the raging fists from him. The familiarity of the situation makes his stomach turn awfully. His opponent catches him off guard, slamming him into the ground as he's covered in bruises. Jacob groans from feeling his skull being split open and a shiny glint catches the corner of his eye. He rolls over in time to miss it and lies on his back trying to keep the knife away from his throat.
"Die already!" The freckled boy screams and Jacob can hear the clear desperation, hesitation, and fear straining his voice. He sees himself in teary green eyes but tries to stop the knife from going any lower.
The room is too loud with everyone eyes screaming the loudest. They're hungry for what will happen next as they shout "Kill" . The screaming is so deafening, Jacob begins to scream along with them. His vision darkens and he feels like a shapeless thing, moving somewhere within the void drenched in red. He can't control it. He feels his arms move involuntarily and feels a rush of elation- a release when his hand grip an object before plowing through something soft.
Next, without hesitation, he twists the head vigorously in the opposite direction of the body.
When he awakens, as if coming back from fainting, he finds himself standing over his opponent's body. A fierce pain submerges his throat causing him to drop to his knees. He clutches his neck then removes his hands to look down at them. Blood vibrantly stains his palms.
"And you...," Jacob hears his teacher's voice arise from above while he stares at his hands and the knife on the ground,"... Must be Jacob Semenov."
...Jacob leers at the dead body, and spits out his own blood. The stench of sweat and copper dominate his nose.
"Uh, he's throwing up!"
He ignores the incessant chatter as he cradles his neck and stomach. The aches are worse than he can ever imagine. He feels like dying. Jacob lays next to his opponent's lifeless body who blood creates a halo around him. He whimpers quietly and prays to a name.
Veronica.
---
He makes sure they're heavy enough before departing. Walking barefoot on the sand, he drags himself down to the beach, to the waves carrying the bricks in his hands. The wind grabs at his wavy, chestnut hair while slapping his skin through the clothes. The turmoil deep inside his core softens as he gets closer to the ocean.
"Jacob! Jacob!-"
---
"Jacob," Jacob shivers as his name rolls off the school guard's tongue," Admit what you did."
Naked against the stone wall, Jacob stays silent. He watches his toes turn a sickly white color due to the freezing temperature. He's 13, two years after his first school kill, and nothing got better. He only talks to three people while the rest of the school forces him into isolation. In a way, he's being bullied but no one dares to lay a hand on him. He's won numerous fights since then, a few dying after the battles, and his schoolmates are vengeful. They fear for their lives and use the power of manipulation to pit him against authority, something he can't win against.
"Speak, Jacob!"
But it doesn't matter to him. Nothing matters as the days mesh together but he remains the same. The numbness he feels never goes away. What they think doesn't matter to him. He doesn't even care that they set him up, accusing him of sneaking into a teachers' office and stealing her wallet. Jacob chooses not to defend himself because, as long as he's stuck here, the better his patience. Yet, the stronger his patience, the more apathetic he becomes. The more apathetic, the more disengaged with life. His hollowness thrives and spreads from his soul to his amber gaze. His eyes, usually an indifference that was memorizing, reveals no soul. When he fights, hatred and spite are held in his fists.
"Well, if you won't talk," Jacob unconsciously touches the long scar across his neck that leaves a hard tissue around his neck like a rope," Then we'll make you."
Death surrounds him and he prays that, one day, someone will hate him enough to kill him. Someone will kill him with the same mania and red he feels screaming inside him.
Jacob allows the water to turn his skin into ice, matching his bones. He turns occasionally out of innate reflex to deflect from the hose, but he never speaks. He doesn't scream as the water cuts his back like shards of glass while his fingernails scratch the stonewall. This last for an hour until the officials, because they can't get a word out of him, send him back to his room he shares with Alice.
When Jacob walks through the dorm, he's shivering with the water from his clothes dripping across the tile floors.
"Bro, what happen-" Alice watches him grab a pink bracelet off his book stand, gripping it tightly before entering the bathroom. Alice can't sleep that night with his concern keeping him awake. Throughout the night , he sneaks glances at Jacob from his bed, who stares intensely out their window to gaze at the moon.
---
Jacob watches the stars shine above him, their dim light greeting him as the ocean coaxes him to go further into it's arms. The water and the bricks make him struggle to keep going but he refuses to stop.
---
"No."
He feels his mouth move but can't recognize his voice.
"No..." The birds and the trees watch them all. He can hear the earth's heartbeat match his.
"Please."
"You have to do it. Everyone does," a cigarette inhaled," Think of it as...a graduation present."
Jacob swallows, not fully registering he's consuming his own blood from biting the inside of his cheek so hard. His eyes trail the popping veins on his arm, his hand to the gun then the back of a head.
"Or a birthday present, whichever one suits you best." The chuckling makes his jaw tick and grip the gun tighter.
"No."
"Do it or you're never going home. It's been four years."
Her face pops into his head and he bites his lips.
"I refuse."
"You're not innocent, you know that?" His teacher growls.
"From what I remember, you have 6 deaths under your fucking belt. More than anyone else at this school. You think you can redeem yourself now? Of all times?"
Jacob feels the spit hit his face but doesn't flinch. He's frozen in place until, slowly, his bottom lip begins to quiver.
"Please-"
"You're pathetic. You're no saint," The teacher continues loudly," We're all guilty. We're all beasts. We're the ones who take care of the filth because we are filth. You walk around, your self-pity stinking the place."
Jacob's body shakes as he tries to keep the words from imprinting his psyche. He knows all that- he fucking knows but if he does this... he can never go back. He can never go back once he breaks the threshold of insanity.
"Get a fucking grip. "
"I can't..."
"This is your only birth right, Jacob. It is in your blood. Anything else doesn't matter. Why do you have to be reminded of this- you want me to walk you through all your killings again? Your training? Do you need to be reminded of why you're even born? "
His classmates surround him watching wearily. It's strange seeing Jacob refuse an assignment, especially with his vulnerability spilling over. The teacher forces Jacob's occupied hand to jam into the back of a boy's dirty blonde hair.
"You know the fucking motto. If you don't shoot him...he'll shoot you. Won't you, William?"
William, blindfolded with his hands and feet zip tied, keeps his back towards Jacob. He says nothing, shaking but Jacob can precisely smell his waste. This is wrong. This is wrong and he doesn't want to do this.
"You won't be able to leave."
He wants to go home so bad. He wants to go back to her and forget the past four years of his life completely.
Veronica...
Jacob glances at the bracelet on his other hand and fights to keep in his cries. He steadies the gun while trying to eradicate the shrieking and ticking in his thoughts. The shrieks of his past victims and the ticking feeds into his exhilaration and self-disgust. He knows this is wrong, but there's a part of him that wants to pull the trigger and see the bullet go through the skull simply to feel the blood on his face. This isn't right. It's not right but he'll do whatever it takes to go home. He stares at the back of William's head while his teeth grind down on his tongue.
Kill.
A strange smile appears on his face and he does what the voice says. It makes him pull the trigger and a gunshot whistles through the trees as more birds flee from the scene. William and his gun fall to the ground leaving Jacob to stare at the space he once knelt at.
"Finally," His teacher pulls another cigarette out while covering the dead body with a blanket," Everyone has to go through this Ja-"
Jacob inhales and wails with blood pouring from his mouth. His schoolmates watch him shut his eyes with face and clothes covered in William's blood. His hands rip out his hair in spurts and he continues to scream into nothing. Wild screams progress into distorted laughing, the sounds desperate and manic while tears roll down his face.
This wasn't like him. Jacob was usually composed in a distorting way. Nothing ever got to him, nothing ever made him retaliate, and nothing could ever pierce his skin. Even in a fight, Jacob battled in a merciless yet calculating way. Now, they could see that Jacob had bit down on his tongue so strongly the tip almost hanged. He continues to pierce the woods with his unsettling brokenness. All of a sudden, he turns the gun towards his instructor and the students. He's the only one out here with a weapon. The red has won.
"Jacob! Jaco- "
--
"Jacob! Jacob! "
He looks up at the moon one more time, praying that they meet in the afterlife and that it brings the one things he's desires along. Jacob accepts the abyss of the ocean and the waves take him under, stealing his last breath.
---
The world was a dimly lit room with blue lights. He doesn't recognize the people he's around but he can't stop the feeling of deja vu. He's taller than them all while the room stinks of sweat and hormones. Everyone talks among him, through him, but for some reason his eyes can't look away from whatever's in the distance. He narrows his amber eyes, concentrating on what's pulling his gaze.
Jacob hitches in a breath and watches her from across the room. She seems older, taller, and stunning with sharper angles in her face. She has the same wide eyes that entrap him before, but her hair cascades along her shoulders down to her back in curls. The black dress she's wearing hugs her body tight.
He watches Veronica stand in a spot where the blue light hits her skin only to make it glow like sapphires. She's still small but her radiance is brilliant now. Jacob's eyes devour her appearance and she pulls him without lifting a finger. He wants to cry because this is all he's ever wanted. The ticking and the screaming in his head are gone and the most intense calm coats his insides.
I've missed you. I love you. Look at me.
As soon as Veronica begins to look up, he awakes in a different room immersed in white. For a while, he lays in the hospital bed still within the dream, eyes soft and happy. When Jacob realizes he's in the hospital, alive, he sobs. The nausea and emptiness overtake his veins, tongue, and throat. He wants to go back to the dream, to her, and death.
For the rest of the day, the nurses check on him daily and give him his meals but he never acknowledges them. He stares at the ceiling for hours and fixated on nothing. They start to call him crazy until they remember he's on suicide watch. He doesn't care about their pity. Nothing matters again, including his parent's that don't come till two days later.
"It's been 4 years, Jacob, and the first thing you do when you come home is try to off yourself?"
"Luckily, Morozov's kid came to save you in time. We owe Alice a lot because of that."
Jacob shields himself away from his parents' faces by turning towards the window. He watches the waves of the shore in the distance, his eyes scanning despite its view was skewed by trees and buildings.
"What's this scar you ha-"He stops his mother from touching his neck and holds her hand so tight she yelps in pain. It's shocking to both of them how strong and quick he's gotten over the years.
"What the hell?" She yanks her hand back then prepares to strike his cheek till something else grips her hand. then drew her hand back to strike his cheek but was stopped once more. A nurse, a Black woman, keeps Valeriya from harming Jacob with her expression unreadable.
"I will have to ask you two to leave if you're going to continue disrupting my patient's rest. He did almost drown, you know?"
Without a fight, shockingly, Jacob's parents exit the room begrudgingly. Neither of them say goodbye nor hug him. Their short presence resembles their entire absence, and the departure resembles their long-waited visit. Nonetheless, Jacob's emptiness remains regardless. Defeated and faded amber eyes fixate on the body of water outside the hospital. It's going to rain.
Later that day, the nurse who dared to stand up against his parents approaches him. Without warning, she starts talking to him. For the next three days, she speaks to him without even caring if he wanted her company or not. Jacob hasn't said anything since he got here but she chatters away without any breaks, never even giving Jacob a chance to open his mouth. Perhaps she knows that he wouldn't even when given the chance. Strangely, he feels calm around her. Her eyes remind him of her but he doesn't linger on that resemblance much. Later, he learns her name is Mary.
The next day, she comes in around 7AM to deliver his breakfast which he doesn't spare a glance at. He's barely ate for the past few days and Mary grows worry about the gauntness growing in his face.
"The hospital said you should stay one more day just to make sure you... don't try anything."
When Jacob doesn't reply, she continues.
"I know it's hard to eat hospital food in general, but Jacob, you haven't eaten since your parents were here..."
"I'm not hungry."
"You're never hungry...," She sighs and sits on the bed watching his eyes watch the ocean outside," What is it today? You look more miserable than usual."
I miss her. It's all he can think about. He's done all he's done at the school, hurting others for his freedom just to be stuck here. He'll be sent back to his parents again. He doesn't know if he can hold out in this world any longer as the ocean beckons him back. His body aches at the thought of never seeing her again and he just wants it to stop.
"I want to see her..." Jacob whispers so low Mary can't hear him but she sees the tears in his eyes.
"What was that-"
"Mommy!"
Jacob doesn't budge at the sound, completely immersed in his despair while his eyes fade and turn toward the window again. A little girl runs towards Mary with two long and curly strands of hair undone from a twist while the rest of her hair is intact.
"Mom, can you fix it for me?" She pouts to Mary who sighs deeply before playfully shoving her around to face the wall.
"How many times I gotta' tell you," Mary retwist the little girl's hair, grabbing the clip from her," When you play too much, you mess up your hair! Right, Veronica?"
Veronica nods solemnly, knowing good and well not to play around too much. Her mom works hard every day, so Veronica, even at age 11, knows not to bother her mom any more than she needs to. Ever since she switched schools, her mom takes her to work with her then wait for Lizzy and her dad to come so they can drive to school together. It was hard on Mary, because she knew the staff wouldn't usually allow something like that, but they made exceptions if Veronica left at a certain time before an influx of visitors would show up. Usually, Veronica would go outside to play in the yard while she waited for Lizzy.
With her soft eyes pointed to the floor, Veronica waits for her mom to finish so she could go to school as a pair of amber eyes puncture her back. Mary finishes Veronica's hair then kisses her the top of her head.
"Now, go on or you'll miss Lizzy if she doesn't see you out there."
Veronica leans into Mary with a small but cheerful smile and delicately says her goodbyes.
"Thank you, Mom. Love you!" She scurries out the room without noticing the third person in the room.
Mary turns her back towards Jacob to press him about what he said before they were interrupted but the urge dies. Jacob's mouth is covered by his slim, chalky hands with fingers imprinted into the sides of his nose. Tears run fast down his face, a mixture of red and white with eyes rimmed red in distress but relief. However, it's not why Mary feels something is deeply wrong.
I can't let you go.
Jacob stares at the spot where Veronica once was standing with intense shock.
I'll never let you go.
Out of nowhere, he slowly lets out an exasperated laugh. The scent, it never changed. It was exactly how Jacob remembers it. The honey. The milk. The roses. The same with her eyes, her hair, and her skin. There wasn't one detail of her he didn't force himself to memorize and could never forget. He imagines himself going back in time, 5 minutes from now grabbing her by the shoulders to reveal her face to him. If only he had turned at the right moment, at the right time their eyes would have met. Everything he ever wanted could have happened five minutes ago. He wants to feel her skin against his hands and he tears up from the frustration of a loss opportunity. However, this doesn't stop the happiness that flourishes inside him.
Mary talks while knitting her scarf as Jacob sits next to her watching. He doesn't mind her company anymore and he can't control what she does with her time. But he be lying if he said he didn't enjoy it.
"And I just love her so much, you know," Mary continues" That's my baby and if anything happened to her I don't know what I would do. When something does happen, I'm a total wreck."
"What's love?" Jacob asks.
She hums unfazed by the coldness in his tone.
I'll never let you go. How can I?
"It's something that drives out the dark. It's something that everyone can't do but what everyone needs. Love is..."
I need you.
"...home. It opens your chest, gives you strength, and the happiness of that person is essential to your existence. Do you understand?"
His stomach churns with adoration. Jacob feels his chest open once again like streams. He thought he would never see her again. But realization comes and he's plagued by hatred again.
Will you still want me like this?
Jacob can see his ankles uncovered in all it's pale and purple glory. He looks at his hands but the scabs and scars make him look away in disgust. In agony, he looks up at the ceiling with his lips trying to cover his whimpering.
Can I still love you like this?
"What is he crying for?" His mother's voice enters the room and his slowly close in despair. Mary, whose farther away from him than earlier, says nothing but watches them all with scrutiny.
"The dramatics will stop today," His father demands," I gave you your vacation, now it's time you come home and continue your training."
"Come home to do what you were born to do, Jacob."
He watches Veronica stand in a spot where the blue light hits her skin only to make it glow like sapphires. She's still small but her radiance is brilliant now.
I was reborn to see her.
"Do you understand me?"
He wants to cry because this is all he's ever wanted.
"Jacob?"
Look at me.
"Look at me!"
Jacob musters all his bitterness to throw into his fathers eyes and speaks venomously in Russian," I'll do what you want, but I refused to stay in that house."
"I'll do what you want me to do concerning the assignments, but I never want you to contact me outside of it. I will show up to the conferences, the jobs, even the useless formal dinners. In exchange, I want you to leave me the fuck alone and I want to live somewhere outside of the estate."
His father, without a beat, replies coldly," How do I know you'll keep-"
"I'm not wasting the 4 years I spent in that bottomless pit you called a school," Jacob pauses to recollect himself, aware of Mary," I'll do whatever job you ask or whatever they ask. Just leave me alone."
"It's because of that girl, isn't it?" His mother's Russian sounds just like he remembers four years ago. Veronica's face flashes in his mind and he looks away from his parents, his subconscious trying to protect her in a way.
"What girl?"
"You have a deal," His mother continues but lowers her gaze at him," As long as you do what you're supposed to do, you're free to do whatever disturbing thing you want. Don't get distracted."
The next day, Mary comes to Jacob's room with urgency. She has so many questions, starting with her daughter that she wants answered but not only is he not there, his bed is inhabited by an elderly woman.
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