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American Psycho Cover Art by Marshall Arisman
"And the sweet little angel couldn't keep her eyes off the devil."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiPNb4DKgI0
- 4am-Reflections on Tumblr.
Trigger Warning (TW): Explicit content on violence, murder, and cursing.
"What am I doing..."
After coming from Alice's place, drinking vodka the rest of the night after the hospital "visit", Jacob in his drunken state appears at Veronica's house.
He stands across the street, swaying, and watching the lights from the bedroom like a moth completely enamored by its glow. It illuminates the leaves of the tree he's under while the music can be heard clearly.
I don't know why82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrDmAClIit3
You were sent by82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBEco9xX5xN
It's in my mind82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMaUcchU7el
You're in my mind
He can hear his heart beating, filling his ears while watching her walk back and forth in her room. He picks at his palms trying to scratch off the dried blood off his nails. Freshly cut grass sweeps into his nostrils, it's sweetness still strong in the air from this morning. He continues to eye that specific window for several moments. Suddenly, all the lights in the house turn off and music is cut. He runs to it's side, hiding himself for an hour till he's sure everyone is asleep.
In the still night on the quiet street, he begins to move quickly. In smooth strides, as if he already knows where to go, he approaches the tree next to Veronica's bedroom. Despite he's drunk, he's able to grab the trunk and effortlessly lift himself to cling the highest branch adjacent to her bedroom window. He sits there for three seconds before he rests to look at her.
Jacob watches Veronica sleep with her back turned from the window as the moonlight pierces through. It cast a beam over the upper half of her body, giving shine to her hair, contorted into twists, and spread along her silk pillows. Her skin is a spotless night sky and she's protected inside a quilt of vibrant blues, golds, and pinks like a royal gown. Astonished and serene, he keeps his eyes trained on her.
He's at peace in his drunken stupor, but doesn't know how long he can wait before he'd do something he shouldn't. After an hour, she stirs and turns around, revealing her face to him. His midnight muse, skin of dawn and smooth like marble sleeps with her plump lips forming a small "O". Even in her sleep, she's vibrant and it overwhelms him.
"Veronica."
His slurring whispers are only heard by the stars and he gazes at her ashamed with agony constraining his face. Jacob digs his nails into his palms.
"I'm sorry...for today," He licks his lips, eyes sad," but you have to understand...I hate Michael. I fucking hate whatever is going on between you two cause I can see it too well."
He represses a laugh, burying it deep inside himself but can't stop his grinning. Up close, Veronica's eyes are so wide, brown, and soft with that natural pout of hers making him want to do things he shouldn't. She barely reaches his shoulders and smells like cherries, frosting, and innocence. He hopes he looks calm on the outside cause he may fall to his knees at any moment. He wants to smother himself in her hair, her hands, her lips, and her neck . But someone's with her.
He ignores Michael's hostile words when he pulls Veronica to the dance floor, his grip firm and greedy.
This is better than the dream. For one moment, he doesn't regret living because everything is perfect. Jacob, completely unbothered by the audience forming around them, leads Veronica in dance. Their fingers intertwined and her skin leaves this cooling sensation making his body shudder. He tightens his hold as his blush creeps into his face faster.
I love you.
Jacob's hands snake their way into her hair, a blend of delicate and thick as his fingers cup her cheek. His eyes, steady on Veronica, dim in color creating an expression of intense admiration.
Soft. Soft skin. Soft hair. Soft heart.
I love you.
When his fingers linger on her lips, he feels them twitch before he traces her jaw. The action was so small, yet the idea to part her lips with his finger leaves it's mark on his brain.
Jacob knows Veronica like the back of his hand. They were the same in some ways: more comfortable in the background but she allowed herself to reflect the light of others while he consumed with no guilt. She was the dusky, dreamlike, insecure Veronica who, he knew, wanted more than anything to bloom despite his lack of understanding why. She was perfect the way she was, always been. She was perfect for him.
Soft hands...I have been lonely. Look at me.
He notices her tremors increasing. Yet, she doesn't move away which feeds into his hunger more. He cradles her face in his rough hands and rubs her cheek with his thumb. Just by looking at her, the wave of calm she brings puts his mind at ease. He doesn't want this to end.
Soft eyes. Beautiful eyes. I am sad, too. Disgustingly sad. Touch me.
Behind Veronica is Michael who stares at them with nose flared and animosity steaming off him. Jacob smirks at him deviously, then leans down to Veronica's ear. Everything inside him, his aching, loneliness, and longing coats his tongue as he promises, "Veronica Johnson, you belong to me."
I love you.
"I lo-"
Jacob's teeth grind together, remembering how seeing the sight of him touching Veronica made his eyes burn.
"I hate him," He murmurs with his bitterness evident.
I hate how he's always there.
Jacob felt Michael's fist slam against his cheek, missing a few inches away from his nose. He hears Michael shout," What the fuck did you say to her?" before they're both on the ground. The crowd of students cheer them on and watch in shock. They stand up again and Jacob looks up, his blood filling his mouth and he swallows out of habit. Michael charges at him, making them head-to-head with their eyes piercing through each other trying to kill with one look. He notes how Michael's eyes are the hue of rust and rage, with his jealousy readable on his onyx face and the way he breathes. Jacob's jaw tightens.
I hate how he's always there.
"You're always fucking there." He growls slowly before backing away to spit blood like venom in Black boy's face.
Jacob headbutts him and they fall to the floor wrestling each other again. Fists are thrown, several hitting Michael in his head. Jacob can feel all Michael's strength and inwardly laughs.
Pathetic bitch. There's no way he can win this yet out of spite, Jacob fights him like they're equal. With his foot, he strikes Michael's chin, landing him on the ground before forcing him into a position where Jacob topples over. He stands over him, grabbing Michael's arm and forces it over his thigh with his knee locking it in place. Jacob grins.
I should fucking kill him.
With unwavering hostility , Jacob grabs Michael's wrist with both hands and roughly bends Michael's arm over his thigh. A sharp crack fills the room followed by painful howls. Jacob grins wider.
Next, without hesitation, he twists the head vigorously in the opposite direction of the body.
I hate how you're always there. I should fucking kill you.
Jacob lets go and spits out more blood while watching Michael like a wolf, indifferent and impressed with his work. His screams coax Jacob to torment him worse. Seeing Veronica be touched again by this asshole... then have the audacity to hit him? Jacob makes another low growl, amber eyes fierce and bright with bloodlust. He wipes his blood off with the back of his hand, smearing it over the bottom half of his face before looking away from Michael. He sees Veronica watching him with panic etched in her face and his heart sinks.
As the red vanishes from his mind, he realizes the room is eerily quiet. Jacob takes a step towards Veronica , but she backs away and hugs herself with her eyes switching from him to Michael. Her sobbing escalates along with Michael's shrieking. Despite Jacob can hear Lizzy's shouting in the background, he only pays attention to Veronica. She's the only one that matters and he wants to reassure her some way, somehow. He hears Michael's screams stop and Jacob knows he must have fainted from the pain.
"Michael..." Veronica whimpers and looks at Jacob. This ache he feels is worse than ever. He recognizes the look on her face, a face that he's seen so many times from those he hurt. He can't help it and she knows it. Veronica is seeing right through him and he wants her to look away. Jacob wants to shield her brown and pure eyes away from him.
Will you still want me like this?
When he lifts his hands to cover her eyes, ruby stained and rough she screams like he'll kill her. It torments him but, horribly...He tries hard to put his mask on, trying to cover the savageness that hums in delight at Veronica's screams so he can comfort her.
"Veronica. Veronica- "Jacob pleads and before he can catch a fainting Veronica, he is pulled away by Alice.
"Jacob, we gotta go! They're calling the school's security," Alice's voice sounds like a distant murmur. Jacob keeps looking back to check on Veronica with their increasing distance making his chest tight.
He goes into deep dissociation, clutching his head trying to remember what he did tonight. For six hours, Jacob, Alice, and two redhead brothers named George and Paul ambushed an enemy organization that Jacob's father ordered them to do.
"He should be closing in about... now." Alice whispers into the earpiece as Jacob waits till he hears the target turning towards him. When he's finally close enough, Jacob grabs the target from his hiding place then uses his silencer to put two bullets into the man's skull.
"All done here." He hears Paul's voice through the earpiece while Jacob walks back to their meeting spot. Jacob notices several specks of blood on his bomber jacket.
"Me too." George puts his gun away while Jacob says nothing, being too preoccupied with something else.
"I'll tell your dad we've finished up, Jacob."
Jacob speaks in a deadpanned but urgent," We need to stop by the hospital."
"Jacob," Alice begins," you know it's not safe anywhere but headquarters after a job."
"Alice," Jacob mocks, "you either go with me or without me."
Jacob texts one of the drivers assigned to him to come to his location. He hears Alice sigh before saying a defeated "Fine".
In those bright hospital lights, a place that haunts him like the rest of his past, Veronica's presence cured the sickness that swallows him. In those bright lights, he could see Veronica's growth: from a cherub to a mirrored Andromeda, her beauty made his insides warm all over. He remembers how her skin felt smooth with his hand on the back of her neck. Even when she was telling him to go away and her fear transparent, it only made him want to keep her away from Lizzy more. When she said his name, the urge to grab her and take her came over him.
Jacob descends deeper into the memories: the kiss on her forehead, placing the bracelet in her hand, and how painful it was to leave her because he had no choice. A weak smile plasters his face as tears silently flow.
"I can't get to you," He presses his face and nose against the glass in his drunken state," I can't get to you and it feels impossible to have you. It feels impossible to want you but I do...I do..."
He grimaces over his personal obstacles. Michael, Lizzy, his Parents, and birthright weighing him down more than bricks. He's tired of having to fight to get what he truly wants, more than anything in the universe.
"It feels impossible to love you...but I do. I do." He reaches out to clutch the opening of the window.
"Hey! What are you doing?" An old man's voice screams from below him.
"Do you live here? I'm calling the police!"
Jacob, completely sobered up by the voice, swings himself down from the tree and begins sprinting away from the house. The lights in Veronica's house turn on.
---
It's the tears that do it for him. As the laughter increases, so does Veronica's hiccupping. He knows too well she's embarrassed and it's justified. The two things Jacob hates the most are his parents and everything associated with them, including their racism. Jacob watches tears escape her eyes, chest heaving, and face swollen. Shamefully, he admits how she's pretty when she cries. With his fist tight, he slowly turns his head away from her to stare at Anthony.
"Just warning you."
"Shut the fuck up, Anthony."
He can feel it coming, the rage and blood rushing to his head while this asshole's smug face grows. Veronica's hiccups become louder and her sad face incites visions of violence replaying in his head. Jacob's face twitches before the light disappears from his face, pupils dilated and feral.
"Fuck you, Alice. Why don't you-"
Jacob bursts from his seat and grabs Anthony's head, bringing it down to smash against the cafeteria table at full force. He treats his head like a ball, letting it bounce off the table only to bring it down with full force again. Jacob grins maliciously as Anthony's face becoming unrecognizable.
The more he remembers Veronica's embarrassed expressions, the more he lets go all the parts of himself he's ashamed of. The more he envisions her crying face, the more he wants to shed Anthony's blood all over the floor. His screams only encourage Jacob more as snarls escapes his mouth. The cracking of his skull, hearing all the bones in his nose break along with his teeth scattering the floor- it all brings him a sadistic joy. The part he likes the best is the blood being splattered over his face like paint and blotching his clothes. Destruction has become an art form to him.
There was some part inside of him that murmurs among the crimson," Stop." But his grasp on reality is gone. He wants to drag Anthony's body to the ground, and stomp on him till his flesh stains the soles of his shoes.
"Stop."
Jacob can't hear his own thoughts anymore. Long gone is his rationality, where the appetite to destroy is his autopilot. That thing he's been trying to repress since the dance possesses his arm. He brings Anthony down on the table so hard a snap breaks the silence in the room with his neck no longer supporting his head.
"Stop!"
Anthony's blood decorates the cafeteria floor with a pool of it hugging Jacob's Nike's. He did it again, where his rage and bloodlust intertwine and trigger the animalistic tendencies that he can never rid of. The more assignments he goes on, the more the killing goes from natural to sport. It only gets worse when it comes to Veronica where he'll lose himself to protect her. And he won't stop unless she tells him to.
Her voice has pulled him out of the red but it can't get rid of the compulsion to destroy away.
He drops Anthony's head carelessly, letting it hit the table then drop to the ground. Next, Jacob wipes Anthony's blood on him, hands twisting into his shirt then looks up at Veronica. There's no trace of regret on his face but only glee, happy that Veronica came and searched for him on her own. She even came with the bracelet. Jacob's body shakes with excitement as he gives her a small smile.
He caught it. He catches that one spark of shared yearning with Veronica before shame plagues her face again and she's running out the cafeteria. He follows her like a wolf. He follows the footsteps of his prey, his beloved and before he can grab her hand, around the corner is Michael who swoops in. Cursing under his breath, Jacob hides around the corner in the shadows where they can't see him.
He's always there.
"Veronica, calm down! What the fuck is wrong with you?"
I hate the way he talks to you.
"What the hell is wrong with you-"
"He's crazy, Michael! There's something wrong with his fucking brain!"
Jacob grips the wall to stop from slipping, physically and mentally.
"I...I just went t-to talk to him-"
"What the fuck you do that for?," Jacob can hear Michael's condescending voice," Didn't Lizzy tell you not to go anywhere near that crazy White boy?"
He digs his nails into the wall, overwhelmed by his anger.
"I know I shouldn't have," He hears Veronica hesitate," B-but you deserved an apology and-"
What?
"And what? What happens if he hurts you too?"
Its takes everything in Jacob not to reveal himself and break Michael's other arm. He would never hurt her, it would be the last he does before sending himself straight to hell. But how would she know that? Jacob, even with rose-colored eyes, wasn't oblivious to Veronica's fear of him but it hurt hearing it out loud.
Jacob can't hold it in anymore and begins to slide down the wall. Apologize? Is that what she really came for? He knew he should have known there was nothing else she would come for. Yet, it never stops him from dreaming, fantasizing, and simply hoping she would come for him and him alone.
I'm so dumb.
"I'm dumb..." The sadness in her voice pushes him to shut down further. He knows this is bad, wanting her this way. Desiring her despite he- they know it won't end well. He knows it's wrong and he tries to drown it down with liquor, but even his drunk self can't resist by showing up to her house every night. He tries to smother himself in other girls legs, but all he can see is Veronica's face on theirs. The assignments get worse, too. They're making him torture his targets at this point so they could steal information and it's mutating his mind into a beast.
Jacob buries his face into his palms, trying to mask the pain and hunger so evident on his face. He knew this was pointless, this chasing after her but he can't stop. He couldn't even if his life depended on it. He still pleads and secretly prays to her in his mind in hopes she would reach for him.
Unfortunately, for many months, she tries to remain out of his sight. Fortunately, he always knows where she is. Jacob is indifferent to the rumors surrounding them; perhaps even feels that his actions are being justified strangely. Everyone claims Veronica as his and he revels in it. He loves it with every fiber of his being despite knowing Veronica never approved of it. It's the closest thing he'll get to being close to her for the time being.
One day, Jacob's on the school's roof, sleeping to avoid his classes. He finds it unnecessary to go because he's finished a school's year of work within three months into his senior year. The only reason why he's finishing the school year is for Veronica, not even telling his parents he's basically done. They think he's dumb but they never knew who he was in the first place.
He awakes to the sound of the school bell and starts heading back inside the building until he sees her. Veronica's sleeping in fetal position with her beige cardigan under her head on the ground. Her hairs changed: miniature plaits spread out around her reminding Jacob of wings. A white lace dress adorns her body, exposing the center of her chest, her shoulders, and her legs with slim black shorts underneath. Jacob knows this isn't her usual spot like it is his and wonders if she knows. This is the spot he naps at while able to watch her whenever she eats outside.
His inhale is shaky and approaches her sleeping form. He observes their surroundings, making sure no one's there to see them before bending his knees down to get closer. With a gaze blemished with fondness, he reaches out and traces his finger from her cheek, to her jaw then stopping at her collarbone.
I love you.
His feelings for her would never change, he was sure of that. Even now, after several years, the dance, and even the cafeteria, she still makes him feel like there's morality left in him. That there is a bit of human in him with her presence a cleansing him of his inner wounds. She keeps him from drowning and just thinking of her depollutes his misery.
"I love you." He whispers softly.
"But why don't you see me?"
Michael pops into his head, and he retreats his finger to form a resenting fist. His possessiveness continues to rise in his throat.
"Why does he get to be near you, but I can't," He chews at his knuckles before taking a deep inhale again.
Suddenly, a glint from her wrist catches his eye. Its the pink bracelet wrapped around her fingers. All anger rids itself from his body and he leans down with his lips close to her ear without trying to wake her.
"Do you remember?" Jacob whispers.
His thumb smoothes a couple of her baby hairs gently.
"Do you remember when you found me? I was a kid, and so were you, but you came as if you knew I needed you. You came to me like an angel disguised as the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."
I love you.
"Do you remember me? I was like death, ready to take you till you tricked me with your aroma. I have loved you ever since."
I love you.
"I've been miserable, Veronica. I feel like the absurdity of my life will kill me if I can't be with you. Why can't you see me?"
Look at me.
"Remember me..."
---
"What am I doing?..."
He watches Veronica shamelessly from the tree till she suddenly awakes gripping her throat. Jacob moves into the shadows to hide and continues to observe Veronica argue with herself. Out of nowhere, she throws her pillow across the floor with a fiery shriek then jumps off her bed.
Are you scared...of me?
He hates to admit it, but in that bathroom, Jacob wanted to kiss her. The desire to grab her hand, take her, steal her, and hide her made him selfish enough to trap her between him and a sink. She always looks better up close. He hates to admit that her wide brown eyes- fearful, alarmed, and horrified is what makes his heart leap. He should be ashamed but he can't bring himself to. Jacob wonders if she knows that every time she sends him that terrified look, it deliciously stimulates every nerve he has? He scoffs. He knows she doesn't stand a chance anymore. She lost that privilege when he seen her in the hospital years back. He's never letting her go and he'll cage that one piece of innocence she has away so even he won't be able to get to it. All he has to do is get his parents out the way.
Jacob watches Veronica grab a towel from her closet and move out the frame of the window. He hears a door close where he could only assume is the bathroom. Half of Jacobs face is lit by moonlight, the same one that enters Veronica's bedroom window directly. When he hears the water running, he clutches his hands into fists and contemplates for several moments.
What am I doing?
Quickly, he checks his surroundings then grabs the opening of her window jumping into her room.
He tries to restrain himself from grinning, but he can't. He was in. He's finally in after only imagining how it would feel to be in her bedroom. He closes her window, picks at his nails, and tries to calm himself down as he walks to the center of Veronica's bedroom.
It's decorated by fake vineyards consuming the edges of her bed, her walls, the window, and doors. Fairy lights help to brighten the room but they evade the most random places like under her bed and along her drawers. The palette of her room was white, pink, and light blue.
Jacob begins to walk around and analyzes the pictures on her wall. He states at numerous renaissance paintings, a princess and the pea poster, and a poster of a crab that has the words "Cancer" bolded and italicized under. Her drawer was white with pink, red, and white candles spread over it. Left over rose petals, along with makeup in a pearl shaped container sits on her dresser. He lifts a bottle that was the color of caramel from there and reads the label:
Black Sugar Eau de Toilette.
Without hesitation, Jacob sprays the perfume on his wrist then smothers his nose in it, smiling in contentment. He turns towards the bed where a sheer, white canopy falls over the front of it followed by five silk pillows stitched with ruffles sitting at the head. His eyes catch her rose budded sheets peeking from her white comforter. Slowly, he approaches the bed and succumbs to it by throwing himself over her pillows.
Jacob knows this only makes his fixation worse but he doesn't care. He knows he's disobeying his parents but he could give a shit less. He buries his face in Veronica's pillows in a frenzy, grabbing one and embracing it as he lays in fetal position. Her scent hugs and kisses the insides of his nose while he imagines the pillow he's clutching is Veronica herself.
He closes his eyes in bliss before feeling something small within the pillow he holds. He sticks his hand inside the pillowcase and pulls out to see the pink bracelet. He chuckles in disbelief and moves to the edge of the bed. He ponders, reminiscing over all their interactions till this moment to figure why she still has the bracelet if she's afraid. Why does she still have it if she wants to stay away? He twirls it between his fingers, its soft rosy hues complimenting his ashen hand.
"Oh my god!"
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