For the next five days I would stay at the hospital, going back home for the occasional shower, only eating hospital food. I swore I wouldn’t leave her, I’m going to keep that promise.
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On the sixth day since her coma started they had noticed changes in her heart rate and oxygen levels. They became concerned so they checked on her regularly. Nurses came in and out of the room every few hours to check her vitals and keep her stable. I laid on the couch, not moving. I couldn’t really eat anymore. Not like I could the first few days.
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“Is she going to be okay?” I asked.
“I can’t say for sure. Her levels keep changing, and at this point her chances are slim.”
“What do you-” I stammered. “Is she going to die-”
“I can’t say for sure whether or not she’ll make it. So, it’s a possibility.”
“Then do something!” I yelled, looking at Nicci. She looked worse than when I first saw her here. “You’re just watching her die. You’re not solving-- or even trying to solve anything.”
“We are doing everything we can-”
“Apparently not,” I scoffed. “She looks worse now than when she first got here.”
“Trust me son, we are doing everything we possibly can.”
“You say that, but we all know you’re in this for the money.” I scoffed.
“You think I care about the money?” He scolded. “I put my life on the line for this job.”
“No!” I yelled. “You put other peoples’ lives on the line by making ignorant decisions. You’re not even TRYING to help her! You just send people in to watch her. Not help, watch.”
“I assure you, we’re doing everything we can.” He replied. The generic response.
“Bullshit.” I said through gritted teeth.
He got up in my face. “How about you stay out of the way and let me do my job.”
I just continued to glare at him. It was either him or me, and I WON’T be the first to crack.
“Your mouth is going to get you into a lot of trouble one day.” He walked towards the door. “Stubborn child.” He muttered under his breath before walking out.
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I rushed over to Nicci and kneeled at her bedside. “Please make it through this. I can’t lose you too.” I whispered. I’ve never felt this hopeless, and lost. This… broken. Not since mom. And I’ve never felt remorse or guilt over anything I’ve done, or anyone I’ve hurt-- or didn’t do anything to stop them from being harmed. Not since Zack… And I’ve never loved like this before. Not since-
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“Ethan?”
I looked up, tears in my eyes. “Nicci-” I could barely whisper her name. She was alive, she was awake. Alive… barely…
“Should I get a doctor? W-What do I do? Tell me what to do please.” I stammered.
“Ethan, wake up.”
“What-”
“I said-”
“Wake up!”
I shot up, gasping. It was all a dream. Nicci was still under. And Amanda was the one talking. Shouting at me.
“Fuck…” I muttered, rubbing my eyes.
“Bad dream?” Amanda asked.
“No.” I sighed. “No, it was really good.”
“Then why are you crying?”
I looked at her, tears still rolling down my cheeks despite my efforts to stop them.
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“Because I wanted it to be true.”
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Just then, monitors started going off and Nicci was in a full seizure. Doctors and nurses rushed into the room, forcing us out.
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“No! I have to stay. Please let me stay!” I begged, sobbing as Amanda dragged me out.
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All I could see was part of Nicci’s face. How pasty white she had become. How disheveled and malnourished she looked. How every second of this was my fault… And how I’m paying the price for it…
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I began pinching myself. Hoping I would wake up, and she would too. Hoping that this was all a dream. Hoping I’d be back at that park. Hoping… Hoping…
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Hoping, pinching, sobbing, screaming. All of it got me nowhere because this wasn’t a dream. This was so fucking real… My ears were ringing and time felt like it was moving too slow. The room was spinning. My heartbeat and rapid breathing overpowered Amanda’s voice.
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I felt like running…
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Running until my legs gave out. Running until I’m gasping for air. Running. Maybe the pollution in the air would fill this hole in my chest. Maybe the pollution in the air would help me calm down. Or maybe the pollution in the air would make me drop dead. Help end my suffering.
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“Ethan!”
I gasped for air as I looked at Amanda. It felt like someone punched a whole in my chest and ripped out my lungs.
“Ethan calm down. You’re going to make yourself pass out.” She took a couple deep breaths. “Breathe.” She said slowly.
“I can't,” I said between labored breaths. “What’s happening to me?”
“Panic attack. Not only derived from your trauma of hospitals, but because you care about her. The guilt is eating you alive. You’re scared.”
“Scared?” I scoffed breathlessly. “I’m never scared.”
“You are now. You should take that as a sign. This girl is changing you for the better.”
“That’s selfish. So selfish…”
“What is?” She replied, confused.
“For me to let her do that.”
“What are you talking about??”
“I should let her destroy me. I should let her rip my heart out, stomp on it in front of me, then try to push it back in. I should let her tear me up from the inside out. Break me into a million pieces until I’m too broken to put back together.”
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“Why would you ever think you should let her do that? Why would you even want that?”
“Because that’s exactly what I’ve done to her.” The tears were flowing and I started sobbing hysterically. “And now I can’t even apologize to her. I was supposed to be there for her. Now I can’t even tell her- or show her- that I’m sorry, that I’ll change. She’s as good as dead, and she’s only getting worse.”
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Amanda looked at me with heartbroken eyes and pulled me into a tight embrace.
“You can’t think like that Ethan. You’ll leave your mental state in ruins.”
“But it already is.” I replied flatly. “I am not okay. I haven’t been since my brother was taken. Before we found out he was killed, before my dad left, before my mom went on a downward spiral and killed herself. Before I came to stay with you, before I even knew Nicci existed. And before I knew she would be the only thing I can’t live without.”
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I parted from her and looked at her with tears still going down my cheeks, speaking through a strained voice to prevent sobbing. “You don’t know the first thing about being in ruins.”
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She looked at me in shock as she tried to process everything I’d just said. I have always come off as bleak and cold. I’ve never shown any compassion or loyalty towards someone- or even tried- until Nicci. Amanda looked at me as if she didn’t know me. As if I was a stranger to my own body.
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“She drew me in. The second I saw her, I didn’t feel lost anymore.” I sighed. “I tried to ignore it and hide my feelings, but I only made things worse.” 112Please respect copyright.PENANA7Elw6v1oro
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“I made her feel stupid for confessing her feelings to me. She closed herself off because of me. She went into an even worse downward spiral because of me. She felt weak, broken, shattered, and distraught because of me. And now,” I sighed. “Now she's here because of me.” 112Please respect copyright.PENANAzCNgCMnv0Q
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“I was wrong to call her the problem. I was the problem.” I sighed. “I was sure I had made the right call by burying my feelings to protect her from me. I tried to convince myself that she wasn’t the one.” I looked at her through the window, her body still trembling. “But it was her. It’s always been her.” 112Please respect copyright.PENANAiOGIvqxeNe
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“Always.”112Please respect copyright.PENANASOLwvXmnuA