I wake up in the morning with a sore throat, and tear stains on my face. 516Please respect copyright.PENANAlRnhygCZjJ
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I was crying in my sleep. Great.516Please respect copyright.PENANAvBgJ3iLXez
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What's even better is when I feel the two steel arms wrapped around my torso.516Please respect copyright.PENANArEUr7kSGkZ
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I open my mouth to ask him what the fuck he's doing in here, but he beats me to it .516Please respect copyright.PENANA8fcdYC4qtw
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"You were crying in your sleep — bawling, acctually, screaming "Why, Amy? You calmed down the moment I wrapped my arms around you."516Please respect copyright.PENANAjanxaABV3m
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I say nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because even though I was in a tremendous amount of emotional pain, I would really have preferred if he didn't comfort me; this is the kind of thing that causes strings to attach. I don't want him to build up this idea of me being this emotionally broken girl that he must always be there for, because truthfully, I'll never want to keep him around for that; I don't want a crutch. 516Please respect copyright.PENANA5wac2HEU3P
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"You know... It's okay to feel."516Please respect copyright.PENANAQ3OKC0rJZK
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"I don't need to hear this bullshít." I hear this all the time, but I don't listen. Because if I do? If I allow myself to feel on a regular basis, and not just when shít like this triggers me — I'll go mad with grief. 516Please respect copyright.PENANAs9MZPBZ5o8
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"It's true."516Please respect copyright.PENANA1o3sDOVley
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I lie there and say nothing, afraid that I'll say the wrong thing.516Please respect copyright.PENANAkhLHh0qF80
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"I have a little sister. She's seventeen now, her birthday just passed in October."516Please respect copyright.PENANAtdmAXpMqWG
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I look at the cieling, wondering why he's telling me this.516Please respect copyright.PENANArV42TJQ07m
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"She died two years ago, five days before her fifteenth birthday."516Please respect copyright.PENANAfd2R1I4OS6
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When he speaks again, his voice is thick, and cracks on the words "died," "five days," and "fifteenth birthday".516Please respect copyright.PENANAdeVDG19e93
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"You said something to me yesterday; something of interest ; you said "she is my best friend". Is. Present tense. So I know that like me, you don't remove titles from people once they die."516Please respect copyright.PENANAS5kMiKrC17
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I'm looking at him now, just staring at him, his eyes filled with unshed tears. I can't believe that he picked that up.516Please respect copyright.PENANAHZnREVhGSJ
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"You love the fùck out of her... yet you won't even let yourself properly grieve. You can't keep that in; I tried to do that with my sister. It nearly killed me."516Please respect copyright.PENANAUSrMjraVQu
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It isn't the same, though. Too many people who I've loved dearly have died. My mother, Amy, and other shít that I just don'teven want to think about right now.516Please respect copyright.PENANAWX4YFSacAH
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Additionally, there's the anger that I feel surrounding Amy's death; anger at myself for not stopping her, but more than anything, anger at her for making that decision that lead to her death.516Please respect copyright.PENANAcv2EZlklgK
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He starts talking again.516Please respect copyright.PENANAa3FKJcCPMe
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"I hate when people ask if I'm okay; obviously, I'm not okay. I will never be okay. My sister is everything to me, and therefore, I am reminded every day of the pain that I will have to endure for the rest of my life. I cry about it; all the goddamn time. But life goes on, and even though I will never be the same, I will never be okay, never know happiness the way I once did, I refuse to not grieve; she deserves for me to grieve over her; and I refuse to let it consume me, because the last thing she said to me was to make her proud; do whatever I think that she would be proud of."516Please respect copyright.PENANATDscQQJrpJ
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Tears are running down his face now, and I use my thumb to wipe them away.516Please respect copyright.PENANAqwUlaN7DpU
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"What did she die from?"516Please respect copyright.PENANAMprlECGnMR
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He sniffles a bit, and then says "leukemia. She knew that she was going to die; she was hoping that, against the odds, she'd make it to her birthday."516Please respect copyright.PENANAFPGhdt09zP
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I didn't expect that he'd be so forthcoming with his personal life.516Please respect copyright.PENANAJidXzX7QfX
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Didn't expect that for once, I wasn't the only one feeling this kind of pain.516Please respect copyright.PENANAXzElU9erEM
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So I do what feels natural; I let some of the pain out.516Please respect copyright.PENANAj9VyIS2EXs
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It's a frightening feeling, grief. What I felt last night when I was thinking of Amy was nothing in comparison to what I'm feeling now.516Please respect copyright.PENANAz22gR3CGBX
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It's as if your heart is being squeezed and pulled and broken over and over again, while your soul is being dragged across hot coals and battered and bruised and pushed far beyond the point of endurance.516Please respect copyright.PENANAHffWCZVkoH
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And this isn't even the full extent of my grief; this is only my grief for Amy. I still have the pain for my other loved ones bottled up inside — and honestly, they might stay there for a really long time.516Please respect copyright.PENANARsJqWevI5z
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Like I said, if I allow myself to feel, I'll go mad with grief — and I already feel myself breaking, unravelling at the seams from letting my feelings for Amy out.516Please respect copyright.PENANAC7NNSUZ5mh
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Under the "Ice Queen" façade, I'm a fùcked up emotional mess, and this is the real reason why I refuse to attach myself to anyone. I've dealt with enough death, enough loss for an infinite amount of lifetimes; I'm not interested in setting myself up for that kind of pain again.516Please respect copyright.PENANAbURPQXgptz
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It is with those thoughts that I hug David, then get up and leave him on the bed.516Please respect copyright.PENANAoI5x4eK892
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I then lock myself in the bathroom, and try to regain my composure — only to break down crying on the floor.
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