十八歲時,思思憧憬未來,將來一定要組織最温暖的家。1245Please respect copyright.PENANA2HeN54M7cP
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她也有一個家,雖然,不是特別完滿。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAgD4jzdQhGH
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAq8mZtrEXQw
父親好、母親好,只是二人合起來——不應合起來。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAtTRDzKqJXu
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAyCsqN0jYjd
思思的父母不是因愛結合。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAuDwgEmQ8bZ
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAE4Me0269vs
航班、傳統的相親、不能拒絕的安排、錢銀瓜葛、生活。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAM6YXiYYtGC
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像「賣豬仔」一樣。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAttv9KZZ4zl
1245Please respect copyright.PENANABuSLm4tDxy
小時候,她只知父母從不同床,母親佯稱,父親的鼻鼾聲太大,吵着她睡覺。父母也沒有親密行為,連普通的拖手和擁抱,都沒有。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAo2vG88NbRy
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAzUmYG9rJZI
思思只覺奇怪,明明電視劇的恩愛夫妻並非如此;她去過同學的生日會,見過別人的父母,會替對方抹嘴,將紙巾撕開一半,遞給對方。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAqk3Qt8y8Pp
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思思疑惑。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAfQc5drnw4k
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後來,她再長大一點,問及父母的怪異,母親坦白:1245Please respect copyright.PENANARk7aDDoLvJ
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAdqq80BcW0R
「以前賣豬仔結婚風氣好猖狂,我唔結婚嘅話,屋企就要賠錢。」1245Please respect copyright.PENANANQaLwxX0iu
1245Please respect copyright.PENANA2JFeNd5Rmo
「起初,唔係同你爸爸見㗎。嗰時唔知點解揀咗佢。」1245Please respect copyright.PENANA9sAeKR68GU
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAFToqEGzO3y
「一開始都ok;但後來,越嚟越唔鍾意佢。你知唔知,我啱啱陀你嗰時,佢俾咗三萬我,話如果我同佢生,就俾多兩萬我。痴線㗎,當我係咩?我本身都想要bb㗎啦。」1245Please respect copyright.PENANAm10Q3SxUZq
1245Please respect copyright.PENANA2X5glCQahx
「唉。起初都有上吓床……佢想要,唔通唔俾咩,話哂都係夫妻。後尾,生咗你同阿妹之後,就冇啦。嘢都少講。」1245Please respect copyright.PENANAzEIboED2v6
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAafnYc2SGvR
言語措詞,毫不忌諱聽者是她的女兒,她覺得女兒早慧,絕對可以承受和理解一切因由。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAYVp3RlGNif
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAei8akq2BmO
當時,思思十六歲,此前的她,覺得孩子一定是愛情結晶品,即使後來離婚分家,但至少,做愛一刻,有愛。1245Please respect copyright.PENANArprlOt35z4
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她受到衝擊。1245Please respect copyright.PENANA0Zf9IRzvQV
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她常常思索,如果她沒有出生,父母就不需共同養育她,那麼他們又是否能夠各自安好,在自己的人生漫漫路上找到真正適合自己的伴侣?如果她從不存在,他們會否花費約二十年時間,守在不相愛的人身邊?1245Please respect copyright.PENANAlGoc0hU8AE
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAPw7tcr2XXv
父母的結合並沒有愛,思思也因此並非愛的產物。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAJhnHpZ8Z4B
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAxwsDY3Xl8k
她只是長期合法「賣淫」之下的受精卵,她的出現,只是因為一次射精、一次陰莖從硬到軟的快感、一次陰道從乾涸到濕潤的興奮,僅僅如此。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAlxtNYQMvOI
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原來,僅僅如此。1245Please respect copyright.PENANA1NSgI7skbv
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思思覺得,她的存在本身,或許為父母帶來痛苦而無快樂。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAqAKD7syhQQ
1245Please respect copyright.PENANA0eL5b4DnQJ
她苦笑,想起小時候曾經起哄,着父親二月十四日買花給母親。真傻。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAuyKgdvu1AX
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAI1WyXvpfia
從那時起,她一直並不太喜歡自己,因為憎惡她的存在為最愛的人帶來痛苦,而她對此無能為力。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAbznx7PcTfL
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAJvZAAc3UT9
可能因為這樣,她總是和朋友保持距離,她不願意承受多一次世界觀崩塌的酸楚。她與人和善,只是少了幾分親暱;樂於做朋友的樹洞,只是不和人分享太多心事。她自信、外向,可以和不熟稔的人侃侃而談而不露怯;同時自卑、孤僻,侃侃而談時,常希望盡快結束對話。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAPP71137sfG
1245Please respect copyright.PENANACHJzNeA75W
在友情、社交之中,她有強烈的迴避傾向,不擅長自我披露。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAninux3DQ9h
1245Please respect copyright.PENANArJPEJkE995
只是,她也感受到父母是愛她的。偶然,他們的愛令思思覺得,其實她的存在是有價值的,父母仍然擁有一個可親的女兒。她決定,更努力地生活,以孝順回報父母,也叫自己要好好讀書,畢竟父母供書教學多年,不可令他們失望。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAtSmgU9rBx7
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAQ8kuc9hLRg
偏偏,父母管教並不嚴謹,覺得思思快樂就好,人生不要有太多壓力。只着她不要學壞。但什麼叫壞?吸毒、酗酒?逃課、打架?早戀、未婚生子?界限不明,她在這種不清不楚的灰色規條下長大,漸漸喜歡黑白分明的感覺。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAQUxYu0QLAc
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譬如,愛是愛,不愛是不愛,什麼叫既愛,又不愛?她不解。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAwc9p271mqn
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAlAj4vnT9oX
只是,黑白分明如圍棋,也總得有人下錯一子。黑白分明,從來是很難實現,或者說是很難輕鬆實現,黑白鍵組成的鋼琴,想彈得悠揚、活色生香,那要經過很多的練習和犧牲很多的睡眠時間。這是後話。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAb3jTSFEwKl
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAUZ5BzBAuY4
唯有,從小由她自己看顧功課,自己給自己期望,自己逼自己學習和運動,她想成為更好的自己。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAEbuzQFalye
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAMDYXpDQJl5
她想被管束。她想如同學一樣,有恩愛父母一邊鬥嘴,一邊檢查她的功課。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAzVMqvqVL58
1245Please respect copyright.PENANARcygl7lktp
家,冷冷清清。團年飯都不一定在同一個時段、同一張枱食。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAOkR5MWQ3n9
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAhrKJwwFVw5
家,像透了一所暖色調的客棧。各有各休息,母親下班後,煮飯、孩子吃飯、將飯菜保暖,見父親回家,就會進房、關門;父親吃保暖的飯菜、洗碗、在客廳做事。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAoZGrXQCyHH
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疏淡如水。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAig5D3C51Bq
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思思是這所客棧的老闆,敷衍地聯絡父母的感情,偶然氣氛尷尬,譬如母親抱怨父親將襪子亂扔,父親則反駁,她的頭髮同樣塞滿浴室排水位,然後吵着不相干、不重要的閒話,最後沉默。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAk6yzdOyGRW
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAA4F2XM5OeY
她一直都在享受着這一種不受管束的、悲傷的自由。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAOPK6IJ1qxs
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她不想要這種自由。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAfN88PD8SOZ
1245Please respect copyright.PENANANswpBRagog
她需要深深被愛,也需要依靠,如果戀愛,她會十分投入,願意將一切都給予對方。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAoLmpqXiGHc
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她寧願被温馨地束縛,因愛結繩,很好。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAZ1xALIAHIO
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAvaCsyZWKFN
十八歲的思思,發誓自己不能輕易結婚。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAzhhVnYYMfL
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAnwuxjQ3aXL
寧願孤獨地老去,獨霸床前明月光,佇立腳踏地上霜,也不想與不愛的人身居同一間屋——以夫妻之名。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAru4fhovUop
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAEeeWHIisPI
她抵觸,和不喜歡的人塗抹同一枝沐浴露、擠着同一枝牙膏;厭惡與其的皮鞋並排擺放、日復日為其烹煮住家飯;害怕和他擠塞在同一張明明寬廣卻迫促的床上、在飯桌上無語地對着白飯發呆。1245Please respect copyright.PENANA6Xp8wT0VPt
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「如果係咁,自己一個過,仲輕鬆自在啦!冇咁多嘢煩。」1245Please respect copyright.PENANAoPbChryMbS
1245Please respect copyright.PENANArPItTmVCzG
中學時期的思思向朋友分享過婚戀觀,當時的社會尚未崇尚獨身主義,她被指怪異:「老咗你就知啦,孤伶伶一個。」1245Please respect copyright.PENANAzYtHTvlAWR
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可是,她是真這樣想:1245Please respect copyright.PENANAzhGljDVHji
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「為咗唔孤單而同人一齊,唔會更孤單咩。明明喺隔離,但係就好遠。再親密,都係疏離喎……」1245Please respect copyright.PENANAyKVgzG0YxP
1245Please respect copyright.PENANAGuSKnN0wrl
只是,從她和阿朗拍拖開始,她已經覺得,將來絕對不會進駐客棧,她認真鍾愛阿朗這個人、這顆心,必不會憎惡和他共用一個洗手盆。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAqzQLDDBdFs
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她願與他舉頭望明月,默默聽他或和他分享鄉愁和陳跡。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAnGXjdGfdwR
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她也不要孩子成為客棧的老闆,上一代的事,不應該影響天真稚嫩的小孩。1245Please respect copyright.PENANA1soGF1349v
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客棧,明明冷清,不必假裝温暖,名之曰「家」。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAiknd7fDNYT
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家是家。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAM0EFXLBiUJ
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她要和最愛的人走進婚姻。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAXDqFISPdaj
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她願意自綑自綁。1245Please respect copyright.PENANAy4RNvcSiFQ
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只要相愛,只要有愛。1245Please respect copyright.PENANARVWnY1LSo8