Kat284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd2FBC70UM9
February 20, 2005
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡykPs8BgUUW
Oh crap. Did I break him again?
Maybe I don't really want honesty... No, of course I want to know. Don't I?
All I asked him for was a number, hoping it would be smaller than I thought, but now...
Oh god. How high can it be?
And I had his disease stick in my mouth... Gross.
How many women came before me? I feel my stomach flip, the thought nauseating me.
He sighs. "Fine, but I need to explain first. Okay?" He seems to have calmed down a little, but his earlier reaction is still making me nervous.
"Okay..." I don't have anything else to say. I just want the number so I know if I need to go gargle some bleach and get an STD test.
He blows out a breath. "In high school, you might remember, I was a scrawny, geeky kid."
"Yeah..." I prompt him. This story needs to go faster. I'm totally freaking out.
"Well, there was this girl, Samantha." His stares at the floor, looking insecure and adorable.
Not adorable. He's gross, remember? Wait... Samantha? Where do I know that name from?
"Oh... The one I deleted from your phone?" Ignoring the voice telling me to shut up so he will talk faster.
"That's the one." His voice sounding bitter as he runs his hand through his short curls. "She was beautiful and nobody understood why, but she liked me. To say I was head over heels for her would be an understatement. She was so perfect to me, even when other people told me she wasn't. I defended her. Even when I was told she cheated on me. Several times."
"Oh no..." My stomach drops. I hope this isn't going where I think it is.
"I finally asked her about it and she didn't deny it. In fact, she didn't even feel bad about it. We broke up, of course, but it shattered me." His face is pained as though he's reliving it.
"Oh Ben, I'm so sorry. That must have been really hard." Poor Ben... But wait, what does that have to do with how many girls he's slept with?
"I wish that was the end, Beautiful." He says softly. Oh no, there's more?
"She came back and said how sorry she was. She told me that none of them meant anything to her. She said she still loved me... and I believed her." His eyes shine with unshed tears.
I stay quiet, hoping he doesn't stop talking.
"She was good. She even found a way to make me feel guilty about her sleeping around on me." He scoffs.
"But... how?" I can't even comprehend how anyone could do that, especially to this vulnerable man sitting in front of me.
"We hadn't slept together. Not to sound like a girl or anything, but it was my first time and it just never felt right. At first, something was always getting in the way. I honestly thought she was trying not to sleep with me. But then I started hearing about the other guys and I just couldn't do it without knowing first. And well, you know what happened." He sighs.
"Yeah..." I'm still not sure how this relates to the amount of women he's been with, but I don't want him to stop talking.
"After weaseling her way back into my life again, she took over. I was consumed with her. I wanted to make sure she wouldn't leave me this time, so I set up an elaborate picnic in my old tree house. I got flowers and lit candles all over. That was probably a huge fire hazard, now that I think about it." He lets out a small laugh.
"I didn't care. I just wanted our first time together to be special. I wanted her to be with me and only me. But she never showed up." His eyes meet mine for a second, but focus back on the floor.
He's breaking my heart. "What did you do?" I'm not sure I really want to know the rest.
"Well, after blowing out the shit-load of candles, I went to her house to make sure she was okay. She could be a bitch, but she had never stood me up before." He runs his hand though his hair again, tugging on the ends. It's almost as though he's trying to pull the thoughts out so he doesn't have to say them out loud.
"When I got to her house, I knocked but there was no answer. The door was unlocked, so I went in, thinking something must be wrong. I could hear her talking, but couldn't make out what she was saying. That's when I heard her scream. I took off running to her room, fearing the worst." A tear runs down his cheek.
Oh my god. She didn't die, did she? No way. That can't be it. Can it?
"When I yanked open her door, ready to protect her, I couldn't comprehend what I saw. My brain just shut off." Another tear rolls down his other cheek.
"What was it?" I almost regret asking.284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo6WmA0gQjG
his knee bouncing wildly.
"She was riding the captain of the football team. To know she had cheated was difficult, but to see it with my own eyes..." His eyes growing wide as if he's seeing it happen again.
"After that, she tried apologizing, but I couldn't even look at her. I was a zombie. I went to class, but didn't absorb anything. I stayed home and never did anything. She didn't just break my heart that time, she broke me." He closes his eyes, tears running down his face.
"Oh, Ben. I'm so sorry." I open my arms to comfort him. He leans his head into my chest and I let him take what he needs from me.
My poor broken boy. Well, I guess he's not really mine...
I have to admit, I'm a little relieved I wasn't allowed to date, not that I really knew any boys anyway. Maybe I should thank my dad.
Ben repositions, laying his head in my lap, so I run my fingers through his soft curls.
"Is this okay?" The confident playboy replaced with the insecure kid who had his heart shattered.
"Of course." I continue playing with his hair, hoping he explains the rest.
He moans. "That feels so good, Beautiful."
I giggle. "Just keep talking, Handsome."
He sighs. "Oh right, I almost forgot..."
"Oops, sorry." Except I'm not really sorry at all. I need to know the rest.
"So I was just a shell of a man, is that where I left off?" He doesn't wait for my reply.
"Well, Nate was worried about me, to say the least, and he came up with a plan. More of a makeover, I guess you might call it. I didn't care, nothing mattered to me, so I went along with it." What on earth did Nate do?
"A makeover?" I struggle to resist laughing, as I imagine Nate trying different kinds of makeup on Ben.
"The summer before college, we decided I needed to start over. We spent a lot of time at the gym, I ditched my nerdy glasses for contacts and I started dressing like... well, like I do now, I guess." He chuckles softly.
"Wow." I try to imagine Ben like he was before, even though I saw him in the news, but it feels like a completely different person.
"But the biggest change..." He turns over, laying face up in my lap.
His eyes meet mine, before he continues. "I need you to understand how broken I was. How lost I felt. I had nothing left of myself."
His eyes plead with me, but I can't find the words to reassure him, so I just nod, hoping it's enough.
"Nate taught me how to pick up chicks. He convinced me to get over Samantha I needed to get under another girl, or lots of other girls..." My stomach does a flip as I wait for him to continue. Not too many girls, I hope.
"Together, we changed my entire personality, so no one would want to get close to me. I didn't want to think about who I might be hurting. I became detached and kept everyone at a distance, because it was easier than facing the truth. I became what I hated and loved the most, I became... Samantha."
"Despite the changes I made, I still couldn't imagine having sex with some random girl, after everything, so I just pretended." He did what?
"What do you mean?" My brain is unable to understand what he's trying to say.
"I just let Nate believe I had scored when I took chicks home. He never really asked and I never told him differently." Wait, what?
"So, what are you saying?" He's not saying what I think he's saying, is he?
"I never... I mean... I uh... I've never actually..." His shyness would probably be adorable if my brain wasn't in overdrive.
"Wait, are you saying... Are you a virgin?" No way. That's not possible, is it?
He turns his head away, like he can't even look at me. "Ben?"
When he doesn't answer, I turn his head to face me. "Ben? Are you saying you never actually had sex?"
He blows out a breath, closing his eyes. "Yes."
"But, how? I mean, if you picked up girls and then didn't do anything with them, wouldn't they talk about that?" Surely they would have been upset if he rejected them, right?
"It helps that the girl is usually drunk. They will pass out and then I just leave. In the morning the details are a little blurry, so they just don't question it, I guess." My head is starting to hurt.
"I just..." Can't believe it, but why would he lie?
"What?" I'm making him even more insecure, but should I really say what I'm thinking?
"I don't understand why there aren't... You know... complaints about you." Someone would have said something, right?
"Oh, darling..." His confident smirk returns. "I can pleasure a woman without having sex." Holy crap. His words setting my insides on fire.
"Oh." Words? What are words?
"Oh?" His smile amplifying my need for him.
This is bad.
Very, very bad.ns 188.8.131.52da2