Ben225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJLJDhjegSF
February 21, 2005
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8bryXeusJC
She just ran away.
I didn't mean to say my lame thought out loud.
She doesn't even believe me when I say she's beautiful, so why would she run when I said I loved her?
She doesn't believe me, does she?
Is her reaction part of the act?
Shit. She has me over thinking everything. I feel like I'm going crazy.
How do guys do this for real?
Even with Samantha the Bitch, it never felt like this. Does that mean I didn't really love her?
Not that I love Kat.
No, I can't. I just said that earlier on accident. It's way too early to feel that way.
Besides, she doesn't even really like me. Sure we have sexual chemistry, but she's made it very clear this isn't real.
That's probably why she freaked out. She probably thought I was trying to make this pretend relationship real.
She's trying to keep her distance as I try to pull her closer. The harder I pull, the further she pushes away.
Shit. I need to slow down.
This isn't real. It's not real. She's way too good for me anyway.
She deserves a good guy and no matter how hard I try, how much I change, I will never be that guy.
"Ben?" Cole's voice breaks through my thoughts. Shit. I've just been staring off since Kat left.
"You okay, man?" Nate's eyeing me like I'm about to freak at any minute. I notice the seat next to him is empty.
Did Red go after Kat? Should I have done that?
That's what a good boyfriend would do, isn't it? Or is giving her space the right thing to do?
Damn, how am I supposed to know?
Red walks out of my room, answering one of my questions. "Ben, she wants to talk to you."
Nate jumps up to comfort her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. "Everything okay, babe?
"Oh yeah, we're good." She smiles, leaning into him.
"I knew you would work it out." He kisses her temple.
"You were right." She smiles before kissing him. Gross.
I walk straight to my room without saying anything to anyone. It wouldn't change my fate anyway.
She's sitting on the end if the bed, the soft glow of the lamp illuminating her beautiful features.
"You wanted to talk?" Why did I say anything? I should have waited for her to speak when she's ready.
"Yeah... Vanessa and I made up, so I'm heading back to the dorm." I get the feeling there's more.
"Okay, is that it?" Seriously, can I not stop myself from asking stupid questions?
"Um... Well..." Uh oh. If she's afraid to say it, I'm afraid to hear it.
"Just say it, Beautiful." I sigh. Let's get this over with.
"Okay...." She takes a deep breath. "I think we need some boundaries." Not what I was expecting.
"Boundaries?" The word tastes weird in my mouth. I don't like it.
"Well, rules, I guess." That doesn't sound good either.
"Rules?" I really don't like where this is headed.
"Yeah, you know, just to keep our 'relationship' in check." I don't like her use of air quotes around the word relationship either.
"What are we keeping in check, exactly?" I don't like this at all.
"You know... Just so we don't confuse what's fake for what's real." She's just trying to push me away, but I won't let her.
"And what's real exactly?" I try to throw her off.
"You know... Uhm..." She licks her lips, as her eyes dart around the room. "W-w-well... You see... Uh..."
"Uh huh?" I smile, waiting for her to explain herself out of this one.
"I just... I think... We should be clear about... our feelings, you know?" Feelings, huh?
"Oh, I agree." If only she had feelings for me.
"You do?" She didn't expect that.
"Yes, I think we should be very clear about how we feel." If only she knew I mean the opposite.
She blows out a breath. "Okay, good. I'm glad we're on the same page."
"Oh darlin', I don't even think we're in the same book." She has no idea.
"What do you mean?" I mean I think I might like you, for real.
"Nevermind. Just forget it." Why can't I just say it? Why am I such a pussy?
"No, I want to know." No, you don't.
"So, you want some rules or something?" Let's go back to this awful topic.
She eyes me suspiciously, but takes the bait. "Yes. I think we should stop any physical contact."
"What? It's going to be a little tough to sell a relationship if we sit on opposite sides of the room." I can't believe this. I thought I was making progress with her, but this is a huge step back.
"Well, obviously not in public. Just when we're alone. We don't need to blur any lines, you know?" She looks so innocent and sincere, but this really sucks.
"So you want to, what, stop hanging out alone?" Shit. Why do I ask dumb questions?
Her eyes widen slightly, like I caught her by suprise. "I guess that might be a good idea..."
"Maybe it is." I can't keep the bitterness out of my voice.
She doesn't want to be around me anymore. What the fuck do I say to that?
"Okay, so let's take a break. We can pretend when we're around our friends, but we just won't spend time alone." Her voice wavers slightly, but it doesn't stop her from saying it.
"Yep." I just want her to leave so I can sulk alone in my room.
"Alright. It's settled then, and I guess that takes care of the other issue too." She stands up, ready to leave.
Other issue?" What the fuck now?
"Yeah, just what we talked about earlier." I shake my head. What is she talking about?
She lowers her voice, like she just now realized someone might be listening. "You know, when I asked you to stop saying nice things when we're alone?"
"Okay..." What does that have to do with this. Besides, I told her I wouldn't do that.
"Well, if we aren't spending time alone, then it's not an issue, right?" She actually looks proud of herself.
"Guess you got it all figured out then." It comes out harsher than I meant for it to, but still nicer than I'm feeling.
"Are... are you mad?" She looks completely confused and now I feel like a dick.
"Nope. Just tired." Yes, I'm actually very mad but I don't want you to feel bad for not returning my feelings.
Why can't you just like me back?
"Okay, I'll just go then..." She glances back at me before softly closing the door behind her.
I flop back on the bed, scrubbing my hands over my face.
Shit. Now what?ns 184.108.40.206da2