我站在門前許久，才忐忑不安的按下電鈴。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO2wlkl7Ki9
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSJJdEVqvem
出來應門的是個有些年紀的婦人。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6AxsoT4c0l
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2dk79h9rCM
「請問，這是英傑的家嗎？」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnRzI0S5Htj
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZY22Z33eFY
婦人露出狐疑的眼神。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ169dRvvzII
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO1vajwAA0Q
「妳是…？」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCwy2RaClsH
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkclxa8kw60
「我是英傑的朋友，因為我一直聯絡不到他，所以…」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNBUTivSPa1
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgAzzKbza9D
「妳找錯間了，這裡沒這個人！」她揮揮手，避開我的眼神。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyRBCgP8tur
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2xSpSC78As
「我知道他被通緝！」在她準備關上裡面的木門前，我急著大喊。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1faRB3PMmv
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTxEKtLCJOI
婦人停下動作，又把木門拉開了些。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaVi2AxWUUq
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY9gCDGNcnW
「他被通緝的時候我們還見過面，可是之後就斷了聯絡。」我解釋。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPVxjqy4TxE
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2kCkVlpdG
「妳是他女朋友？」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWnztjhh27f
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJclWuzkwIe
「不是，我不是，我是…他朋友。」我沒敢說出自己的身份。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4CiZxTkPnq
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0d5LdX5V5O
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRdFuMYKq4J
「他沒和我們聯絡也很久了。」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm3iEDk1nYw
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFi6ZMCnMiF
「還有人跟我說他死在外面了。」婦人用著台語說著，語氣平淡得不可思議。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE9pQQBCzSd
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoN0G1cYg76
我一時語塞，沒能回話。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJKR7hSmVu3
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI7P7VrXF5w
「讓妳跑一趟，歹勢，英傑不在這裡，我也不知道他在哪裡。」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvDs7Ohag1
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm4nfqpwq33
「那個…那，我可以留下我的手機，如果他有跟你們聯絡，請他跟我聯絡好嗎？」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKWtT07x5Vx
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKZEMjgy8SB
婦人一臉不耐煩，我很尷尬，但還是厚臉皮的寫下自己的號碼塞過鐵門，交到婦人手裡。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ05s0gbXfHV
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTA0ms1C9xG
「小姐貴姓？」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2cEyB7ekUN
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ74BNMqZL2b
「我姓豺。」我回得迅速。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9mtt0lb2HT
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Ybg0Od11d
「………」婦人突然噤了聲，透過鐵門盯著我。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUHqywZlgI6
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIA3joKzZbD
「糟。」我心想。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL1Hn2DVqbp
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3J6bHWaw5E
她隨即關上木門。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdGkPnDPn8i
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy9JrDlOGQB
「她知道我是誰了。」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmrslv4kKlU
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT46weTp3jM
我當下便明白，不管英傑有沒有回到這裡，我都無法得知了。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKaMLKguT3i
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9cVS9CKEO9
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ6oeyEdHjH
唯一的線索就這麼斷了。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVzRThdiEh4
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MXq5GkY1s
我不敢換手機號碼，睡覺時也不關機，就怕漏接了英傑打來的電話。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7L7qZtxwzX
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCjupsQ3ZEo
就這樣升上了高中二年級，423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmiz8ZP1rdy
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjYVzaaSuoc
迎來了人生的轉折。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmT8AlaN0VX
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGigjtNlPNj
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaZ9SQlobfN
父母親早在我國小時就已離異，但他們為了不讓我和弟弟分開，便還是住在一起。我在一個富裕的家庭長大，幾乎是要什麼有什麼，生性霸道且極端任性，父親一生風流，基於愧疚或父愛，總寵著我，比起成天碎碎念的母親，我覺得自己比較愛爸爸。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi6GoOEEiWT
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtzeMnoI8Vp
在高二那一年，父親生意失利，經營的公司惡性倒閉，再加上「賭」及「面子」，父親找上了地下錢莊。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXeZmgTpNeQ
「家道中落」似乎是一瞬間的事。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCycvez7XKr
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQV6k9Jnvra
當我放學回家，看見債主找人在家門用噴漆寫上的字眼，我還沒能反應過來。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjsnSTur4R9
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxv5D538wmM
「都已經離婚了，為什麼還這樣拖累我！」
母親氣得哭了。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp3cZSzDmLX
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqu4Mai45YO
某天晚上，母親進來房間，告訴我，房子要賣掉了。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhG2A2YHFXW
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡavYqMIHDMa
他們離婚後，所買的房子仍是共有財產，父親要把房子賣掉，才能償還債務。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPz7EfWadF0
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh6e3DsUqDg
我還沒能了解事態的嚴重，跑到客廳跟低著頭的父親大吼「這是我長大的家，就因為你，所以我的家就要這樣沒了！」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgxxVQWkjmE
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMgGdAHInNI
「那妳要我死是不是！」爸爸第一次吼我。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXhjopFMsnN
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqkgOikuJMF
「我沒錢，地下錢莊說要砍我手腳，我讓他砍是不是！」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcXsbVCppup
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvQlMA0xuLd
我嚇到了，沒能反駁。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVFBKVZhzfH
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpG2Ysv8yC6
「房子要賣給媽媽的朋友，那個朋友說可以再租給媽媽。因為是妳爸爸要賣的，所以他要搬出去，妳就跟媽媽和弟弟繼續住在這裡，不用搬家。」
母親在旁緩頰。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt226FvjMxI
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuFLDh2vBqL
我沒說話，看了看坐在沙發上的父親與一旁滿臉擔憂的母親，便逕自走回房間。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVUgPd11GeF
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM3Ai4jTNbv
回到房間，想起國小五年級那天，母親到安親班接我和弟弟，把我拉到一旁說的話。
「媽媽今天和爸爸去辦離婚了，妳爸爸堅持要其中一個小孩的監護權，弟弟又還小…所以妳的監護權是爸爸。媽媽不是不要妳，妳不要擔心。我們也說好不會讓妳跟弟弟分開，所以我們大家還是會住在一起喔！」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV2bd7WkaN3
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYMk6itQbnC
我突然明白自己不能接受房子賣掉的原因是什麼。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxsofPdmN9q
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCcL9NmaaAU
我不能接受的，其實是家的破碎。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJmBeiwTXGM
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlqqDO58oXE
因為一直都住在一起，所以沒有分離的感覺。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGtEQ08WEXl
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkwmIUNreLH
「妳爸爸是一個無情的人。」
「因為小時候是養子，他弟弟出生後，就被虐待又被冷落，所以就連阿公過世也沒回去奔喪。」
「他和前一個老婆離婚之後，完全沒有再過問他們的生活，也從來沒去看過他以前的小孩。」
母親曾這麼說過。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBSzYQAi01u
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxHL7DnsUr5
「妳不要管我，反正我的監護權又不是妳！」
「是妳自己不要我的！」
某次和母親吵架，我說了這樣的話，害母親哭了整晚。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡafV2IOrtow
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiGdVEGA0Tn
「去和妳媽媽道歉。」
「她沒有不要妳。」
那天晚上父親走到房間嚴厲地說。
而他根本很少命令我做什麼。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡblMgcoTNjn
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmJuabYYZ99
「小姐貴姓？」
「我姓豺。」
關上門前那婦人的眼神，帶了驚訝及恨意。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOgbQpPH0PD
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0p9l04CRLK
「以前我會怪別人、怪命運，其實我不能怪誰。」
「曾有一段時間我忌妒妳，妳擁有我未曾擁有的一切。」
「現在我誰也不怪了。」
紙上那美麗的字，看起來多麼傷心。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡja5hqvHsY9
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJpr7FvKGhq
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiqq7zbhLUn
我的腦中閃現了許許多多回憶。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpnKjUHaiPj
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4F0ZaAedxd
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZlKX1JJFI
媽媽睡了之後，我走到客廳，父親盯著電視，卻兩眼無神。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOyvAPvIFXe
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtc6HDH2T7e
「爸爸。」我喊他。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdRy8EVcMEc
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN5xOw7guuR
父親抬頭看我。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡarUyPvfmPz
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9hY6iZ4okT
「你搬出去之後要去哪裡？」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfbTtrvLE2h
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ML1LK64Vc
「我不知道。」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEUOq7tXG9q
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs2698CJgdO
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Vy4Q1dOak
「我和你一起搬走。」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx3qvgHn6Gp
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYaVqcO1y4o
我說出這句話的時候，爸爸一臉驚訝。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuNF8rBbaHS
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZeA1yaYNhW
「真的嗎？」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6yT0epxUsp
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TQqjpt475
「嗯。」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx4znyIVssi
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmSxkqWRasV
「…好啊。」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeFKtRGiNe5
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW9fRetlx8c
「那我去睡了，爸爸晚安。」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDiHGjF8xSe
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJuJYoM1YDm
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk5NXaJy88m
那時，我只想著，父親一旦離開了，我可能再也見不到他。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu131uaTAtY
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSLMl8ehV3v
即使他不是個好兒子、好丈夫或稱職的父親，他仍是我的父親，從來都捨不得打我罵我的父親。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOLz0NnEG9q
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVmSnfg11G0
隔天，我便自己出門找房子。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe6gMSFbF70
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjRHQ3Y1rIX
母親雖然擔心又不捨，但沒能阻止我的任性與固執，就還是陪著我找房子。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrdEjTQvIoo
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzRXYa1fUYo
我們在離家不遠的地方找到新住處，因為我當時尚未成年，還是請父親來和房東簽合約，之後，我自己忙搬家，請了開貨車的親戚與國中同學幫忙，把所有的家具都搬到新住處。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJpasNRUSeP
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsScHRPU1rD
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2C9HNe7Jn2
然而父親沒有因此痛改前非，我們搬家後沒多久，又有新的債主找上門。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo1Yd1H6le7
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2wAOcZKGli
那天，黑兔子（忘記她的人請往前看系列文）趁著假日到家裡玩，我們在房間聊天，父親在客廳看電視。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjKauuqPVzO
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsecfZmvzdx
正嘻嘻哈哈的時候，有人按電鈴。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwuuUXFNhXT
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzSarEVeRAv
按了好幾聲，父親卻不去應門。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwd4Zi9UwrS
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ74ySGfZj9l
我走到客廳，看見父親把手指舉在嘴巴前面，示意我不要出聲。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq2kco5ODrY
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6KwB5qnEQP
對方按了幾下電鈴，便開始撞門，接著大聲咆哮、怒罵三字經。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw0LnFan72M
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG3o0X3BX9x
房間裡的黑兔子嚇到，悄聲問我怎麼回事，我覺得很丟臉，但還是告訴她，門外的是父親的債主，我們得裝做不在家…但是債主大概早就猜到我們假裝不在家吧，才會待在門外不走。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR7jh01Unkx
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLbAGYcMBEg
直到傍晚，我才戰戰兢兢的開門，送黑兔子到公車站搭車。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM0YxpDg5oU
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡskFTZ87Z5Z
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCf4tgTkDQ5
那年發生的事情非常地多，我喜歡上了一個學長，但他卻用各種不同的方式，在我的身上、心上都留下殘酷的疤痕。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeqczwX4QVR
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrQyUOZ01xU
但那是另一個故事了。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6fnUy1QTRc
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAMx7o4QgLd
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGmuLOJ7Poc
我和父親常常為了錢的事情吵架。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7qbWVG7fbe
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy71veZ7lNQ
我就讀的學校是私立職校，學費非常地貴。而我放學後在賣場打工所賺的錢，付了生活所需的開銷以後幾乎所剩無幾。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlNddqQSySA
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzg0GxOTxU5
那些茶來伸手、飯來張口，像個公主的日子彷彿離自己已經非常遙遠。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ6CGZZIw0K
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP8iDH6y4EW
我偶爾會回去媽媽家吃飯，但絕口不提自己為錢煩惱的事。也許是怕母親擔心，又也許是怕母親責怪父親吧。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrljG7xnRrW
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdRItGT7U25
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmHrs4XopFw
在那些身心俱疲的日子裡，我很常想起英傑。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcQT29POnZR
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPPI0xEGPtU
為什麼一直都沒有和我聯絡呢？423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWBF24GTcrW
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRDDeg9jcs4
難道逃出台灣了嗎？423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ9FOf9TVtk
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwzmB5G36Bg
難道…真的死了嗎？423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2PmL9dKxpf
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvtszlTxJCI
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1IvWipJ61K
一天晚上，我帶著傷痕回家，在家門前，我把運動外套拉起，確定不會被看見痕跡之後進門，想著自己為什麼這樣找罪受。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOHkWeuYn9l
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeZ7oPeSdZ4
但父親不在家。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiXdxMUGHTx
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡywLGoju9kE
撥了父親的電話，聽見那邊的麻將聲。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi2AivImLt6
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIAZf6dOitA
我對父親大吼，卻被掛電話。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8h3sdTQ16N
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWSeMysBMOw
那一刻，我想著自己所做的一切。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2lRMtyTUSM
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMsK3hfK50T
「都是自己選的。」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgHWfSQtPch
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxpyW68ts0J
「沒人逼妳，都是妳自己選的。」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu8OaTq5rpw
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ00NIYTb59b
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaTRaJDSZvE
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIAAcJuEFrL
「乾脆，去死好了。」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt0VcbWOf1K
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxlIXmHof2J
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtQgRBXAf6q
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZI63hXlrla
待續。
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