回家之後，我上網搜尋新聞，看到一張又一張英傑的照片，有些也提到英傑的過去，但我很早就知道台灣的新聞有大半是創作文，所以沒多加理會。
那陣子我每天上網搜尋英傑的名字，看最新的案情發展。因為死者的來頭不小，新聞鬧得很大，我也不敢貿然行事，深怕給自己或英傑增添更多麻煩。
英傑還有個同夥，在英傑被捕的時候，仍在逃亡。當時我的工作是在住宅大樓裡當社區秘書，過沒多久，新聞報出在逃亡的同夥尋求某個立委協助自首，好巧不巧地，那個立委就住在我工作的社區裡。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0JqqPVQGcg
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這是個能夠聯絡上英傑的好機會，我心想。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoGGmksH5LW
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但是我猶豫了。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCtzijCXLmm
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英傑那麼久不和我聯絡，是不是根本不想和我聯絡？是不是獄中太無聊，才想找人寫信打發時間？那些我自認為的兄妹情誼，是不是其實都是假的？
萬一我因此失去工作，或是被媒體捕風捉影，雪球越滾越大的時候怎麼辦？519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQfmOk2Y3Vx
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRoXFhKHnG8
悲觀的想法一冒出來，就無法無天的蔓延。所有可能面臨的糟糕情況，我都想了一輪。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqYf82uV8fw
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我很想告訴自己不是這樣，但內心又害怕。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUb0TuOFNwC
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbudOzHjYBI
我最害怕的，其實是當我找到他了，他卻早就忘記我是誰，那我該怎麼辦？519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOiQWcyQAcX
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ozZF0nB6g
這些年來懸著一顆心的疑問就快要可以有解答了，我卻裹足不前。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVgRKqOJqND
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就這麼拖著拖著，直到我用了各種關鍵字，搜尋到英傑的部落格，也就是他用來和買家交易槍械的地方。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfn66C6cCaD
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部落格裡有關槍械的影片和文章都已刪除，只剩幾篇英傑打的心情日記。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzK2imBpvGa
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「我在地獄出生，也在地獄生活。」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3z4py8OqIo
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5CWPhZ4kWp
「陽光是永遠照不進地獄的。」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TtmBn6TsS
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這類文字充斥著他的文章。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6AQqgsOpln
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5CIrpKnWwL
我想起他曾在信裡寫「妳是我的天使」…519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw8cx3BL0XO
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcsbT6bu86z
我怎麼能是呢？如果我是，為什麼無法拯救你？519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡobwt0lNcvI
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx6W5nn3lQP
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我抱著姑且一試的心情，在英傑的部落格留了隱藏的留言，告訴他我是誰，也說想見他一面，留下了自己的手機號碼，希望能有機會和他說說話。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIEuYvJdVpT
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuoEQE7Chxa
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新聞持續報導，同夥自首後，新聞的焦點便放在同夥身上，較少播報有關英傑的事。我心裡覺得這樣比較好，又一邊擔心再也無法得知英傑的消息。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmqUWGvHC77
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我沒有等太久，就收到了回應。
英傑的姊姊（也是我同父異母的姊姊）用英傑的帳號回覆我了。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK7Q86q8nTI
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「我知道妳是誰，英傑和我說過他和妳寫了很長一段時間的信，妳也曾到過我家吧？」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhJ7t2i6zXl
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsRlbgQBmTd
她說英傑人在醫院治療，但現在不適合去找他，他也不太能通電話。我不懂嫌犯的審判流程，所以不知道她說的真實度有多少。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDywXv6rOfm
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYrWL6d6d7w
我又碰了釘子，心裡更著急。只好繼續留言，釋出最大的善意，表示我是真的擔心及關心。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq555WB5LBN
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她沒有再回我。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡswSVgUA9sW
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但我接到英傑打來的電話，在兩個禮拜後。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLzZ8wfFpJj
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgMIQnjoLKP
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdGpQ8rF1rz
「喂。」陌生的號碼，我心不在焉地接起。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeiRHD2mQ3m
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「……喂，笨蛋妹啊…」519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl1MQO2zOQG
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkpiYc2AWiL
聽見他的聲音，淚水就瞬間湧上眼眶。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡihEVLWeaEQ
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2PB6T3XZxw
「是我啦，妳哥啊。」沒聽見我回話，他急著說。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4DrfYKOEUw
519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnz53fONxLw
「你才笨啦！」我明明有一堆話要說，居然只能先回嘴。519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOCVXvtJPxP
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待續。
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