又是一陣沉默,然後妍妍轉頭看著我問道:「呀遊。」745Please respect copyright.PENANAkYdtKmMqPX
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「…係?」我回答。745Please respect copyright.PENANAGS2sV3Wwi6
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「你覺得PTGF係做D咩?」745Please respect copyright.PENANAlhdvDBeR3c
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PDGF,是Part Time Girl Friend簡寫,老實說不是甚麼新興東西,以往的名字有很多,援交,出租女友,兼職女友,爸爸活,Sugar Daddy之類…當然,仔細劃分用字定義還是能分出差異的,但…745Please respect copyright.PENANA5W3yqJhGtS
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「因金錢利益與男性發生關係」,這點應該不會錯。745Please respect copyright.PENANAqQnpDPLYC3
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妍妍看著海說:「嗯,可以咁講…雖然有D女仔堅持唔上床,只係行街睇戲食飯拖手之類,但係…」745Please respect copyright.PENANAW0nKJRAZug
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我等著她最後那句。745Please respect copyright.PENANAlpI2vEGf8S
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「…我唔係個種。」妍妍說。745Please respect copyright.PENANA7qua8iA0ws
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「嗯,我聽緊。」我說。745Please respect copyright.PENANAoamt5QMfoQ
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她看看我,似乎發現我表情眼神沒甚麼變化後似乎放鬆了一點:「我仲以為你會介意添。」745Please respect copyright.PENANATP36iO0LJw
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我失笑:「我又唔係你邊個,有咩好介意?」745Please respect copyright.PENANAFpkXy5NU1i
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「即係如果我同你親密D既你就會介意?」她反問。745Please respect copyright.PENANApKacsSRf78
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「我唔回答假設性問題。」我擺出官腔,因為我真的不知道。745Please respect copyright.PENANA6LMieaul9Q
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妍妍喝一口啤酒:「不過都唔係每個男仔我都會同佢做…普通都係遊下車河,去船P,食飯個D,如果真係岩Feel同信得過既先會做。」745Please respect copyright.PENANA4asM8FkuXf
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「咁…」745Please respect copyright.PENANAay8Qc5BW67
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感覺我說甚麼也會錯。745Please respect copyright.PENANA9FbAcHEMUp
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「之前我咪問你關於Deep-World,黑PR既事…我都係係客身上聽返黎,有錢人就有呢D門路,總之,我係想搵黑PR黎對付我唯一既個個EX 。」745Please respect copyright.PENANAeywuXOek3S
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妍妍說過她是A1,即是現在單身,但曾拍過一次拖。745Please respect copyright.PENANAH9GJVXYwDN
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「嗯,你講過。」745Please respect copyright.PENANAqnHB4a56pP
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「但我估唔到你會記住。」她說,「估唔到你會記到童桐以外既事啊?」745Please respect copyright.PENANAKTNdpgTHej
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「咪笑我啦。」745Please respect copyright.PENANAyVpd22wraQ
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她笑了。745Please respect copyright.PENANAfdrb42VMtR
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「尋日係好日,佢就係尋日結婚…」妍妍看著漆黑的海說,「終於都完,感覺就好似發左場夢咁。」745Please respect copyright.PENANA3SYlNtSCb3
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「係好夢定惡夢?」745Please respect copyright.PENANAAIo6EtpOOT
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「…同現實比,係好夢。」她說,「同個時我地打算過既將來比,係惡夢。」745Please respect copyright.PENANAf7xjX3DyMS
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我仔細咀嚼這一句當中的含意。745Please respect copyright.PENANAaXWxpxqB6g
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「曾經我同你一樣啊,呀遊。」她說,「曾經我都將一個人視為全宇宙,視為我既一切,我既世界就係圍住佢轉。過去,現在,未來,都因佢而起,因佢而存在,亦因佢而有寄望。」745Please respect copyright.PENANAhI9wdKFgNy
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雖然我猜到了個大概,但我決定沉默。745Please respect copyright.PENANApfEgBk1nem
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有時候甚麼也不回應,只是陪伴,就是最好的回應。745Please respect copyright.PENANAZO58m4y8Dr
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「我係你身上,就好似睇到曾經既自己咁。」妍妍說。745Please respect copyright.PENANAKRoCOvXCei
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然後,她把頭靠到我的肩膊上。745Please respect copyright.PENANAugwYCZrNyp
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「仲相信愛情,只為左一個人而活,全心,全靈,為左自己鐘意既人博盡全力去爭取,連對手係植嵐晨咁既級數既人都繼續前進。」745Please respect copyright.PENANAppQ21SAwTx
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她一頭棕髮沿我胸膛傾瀉而下,撲鼻而來的是她頭髮的香氣夾雜海水咸味。745Please respect copyright.PENANAWptdnqCQjV
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妍妍深呼吸,然後嘆了一口氣:「唉,但…依加已經完晒,其實早就應該完,當年就應該完,係我一直放佢唔低,直到佢尋日婚都結埋…我先知道一直走唔出去既人係我,亦…只有我一個。」745Please respect copyright.PENANAZl0sCq2mWW
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在之前我也想像過童桐結婚而新郎不是我的畫面。745Please respect copyright.PENANAcsc8Bh7wjW
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在之後,我連想像的勇氣也沒有。745Please respect copyright.PENANAC0w4IiCwpX
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那是信仰的崩潰,世界的崩潰。745Please respect copyright.PENANAWjdtZ3jwnU
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萬物的崩潰。745Please respect copyright.PENANAZqGP53UUFS
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「所以你分手之後做PTGF…係因為…」745Please respect copyright.PENANAf7yoc0urCj
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「我以為佢會在意。」妍妍自嘲地冷笑,「至少以為佢會嬲,佢會話我污糟之類,但係…佢根本完全唔在意,我試過自己上網唱佢,佢都係理都唔理,本身至少想佢憎我,如果可以,我想佢至少憎我一世。」745Please respect copyright.PENANARuDm41HhsH
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妍妍說著說著,眼淚便靜靜的淌下。745Please respect copyright.PENANAKFVtcaFBqd
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「點解…點解連憎我一世都唔可以?」妍妍哽咽地說,哭著的她全身在發抖。745Please respect copyright.PENANAUaL64O5eZe
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愛的反面不是憎恨。745Please respect copyright.PENANAkpWkjVc1iW
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愛的反面是徹底的無視和冷漠。745Please respect copyright.PENANA6Y0SJKZXCr
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不知道是不是她已經習慣了這表情,竟然連抹也不打算抹,恍如連自己也要放棄自己一樣。745Please respect copyright.PENANA2afnfTiCj3
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這光景,我看過。745Please respect copyright.PENANAVuYgHNM9ih
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我在曾經的自己身上看過。745Please respect copyright.PENANAX8SEHsega7
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「你唔應該咁對自己。」我掏出紙巾輕印她的眼淚,「始終要放下。」745Please respect copyright.PENANADJTNYTLYGl
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「我知,但我做唔到。」把頭枕在我肩上的妍妍說,「等於我叫你放下童桐一樣。」745Please respect copyright.PENANAGNTG1TjqTz
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「無可能。」我搖頭。745Please respect copyright.PENANAcLDyhtuYM8
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「嗯,無可能。」她點頭。745Please respect copyright.PENANAFjqRB2NN90
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她繼續說:「一開始我只係咁自暴自棄,後來…我就覺得無所謂,點都無所謂,同唔同既男仔去玩,去蒲,做咩都好…我已經無所謂,過得一日就一日,反正又有錢收。」745Please respect copyright.PENANA1uHEFO37Ai
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她打了個哆嗦,然後說:「既然唔知做咩好,咁樣就做咩都得。」745Please respect copyright.PENANAiCmvFNDOUu
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失去人生目標的滋味,我倒還記憶猶新,大約幾小時前吧。745Please respect copyright.PENANAaJ7PMNJH0y
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而且再往前回溯,在中學畢業後的暑假我也是這樣,唯一等待的就是自己慢慢在角落腐爛,做任何事也只是因本能而行動,也不記得今天是星期幾,幾月幾日,因為沒有需要。745Please respect copyright.PENANAZ0FHivkRFu
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甚麼也再沒需要了。745Please respect copyright.PENANAhQyeRCXQng
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妍妍在我身上看到曾經的自己。745Please respect copyright.PENANADPc4dlIWeZ
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我也在妍妍身上看到曾經的自己。745Please respect copyright.PENANAVO6DgyM9Y6
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我把自己那時的頹然喪志和妍妍說了個大概,她同樣地靜靜的聽著,而且聽著聽著她把自己雙腳抱住,似乎好像聽到甚麼不願意回想起的事一樣。745Please respect copyright.PENANAgYWuqQ6SfZ
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話畢。745Please respect copyright.PENANAufCEv97sg4
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妍妍閉上眼思考了一會兒,然後開口說:「睇黎我黎搵你呻係正確既選擇。」745Please respect copyright.PENANAgpQCmjC3Gr
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「你想既,幾時都可以。」745Please respect copyright.PENANAnMWyhK2Wrl
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她沉默了片刻。745Please respect copyright.PENANAJUvcF0wAt7
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「咁你個時點走出去?」她問我。745Please respect copyright.PENANAffl9H1mi1J
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「一黎童桐唔俾我繼續摺落去喇。」我說,「二黎就係射返箭,射箭個時個人會好專心,射中靶會好有成功感,漸漸就走左出黎。」745Please respect copyright.PENANAodWlGTrv8q
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「無興趣。」她微笑說。745Please respect copyright.PENANALJpphAnbaS
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「…咁點解個時你唔搵我?至少我可以好似童桐拖我出房咁樣幫你,我地細個都一齊玩過,我唔會唔理你。」我說。745Please respect copyright.PENANAiEXtJ12roG
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「個時我都未搵返你。我地細個個時又無Facebook IG呢D。」妍妍說,「係去到情聖係TG Group臨時要女仔同你去街,我先知個個係你。」745Please respect copyright.PENANAk7Vus07dKg
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「係咪…好失望?」我苦笑,「搞到要搵PTGF………雖,雖然係用黎激童桐啦,我本身都無諗住要搵PTGF,一日都係情聖自把自為,未未未未等到30歲轉生做魔法師囉…」745Please respect copyright.PENANAqI4hEWsuXR
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我說到了後半句才發現自己的發言何等窩囊,馬上手忙腳亂地想修正,但是似乎愈描愈黑。745Please respect copyright.PENANAWXeWGc1NTp
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「好啦,唔使解釋。」妍妍被我的慌張樣子逗笑,「你真係除左射箭咩都唔識架喎。」745Please respect copyright.PENANAWSXpqdqWr2
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「連你都咁講,嗚…」745Please respect copyright.PENANAV3PDaVeuI4
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「咁樣先係你既賣點。」妍妍輕撫我被海風吹亂的頭髮說。745Please respect copyright.PENANA0UkKVanWk4
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同樣是看到我使出全力追求童桐,情聖在我身上看到自己沒有之物並覺得耀眼,而妍妍在我身上看到曾經的自己並覺得懷念。745Please respect copyright.PENANAxeL0ZcAD7k
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我完全不覺我自己會為任何人帶來啟發,但似乎他們不這樣認為。745Please respect copyright.PENANAjlLiTuWQuX
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「咁你以後有咩打算?既然個個人已經連婚都結埋。」我說。745Please respect copyright.PENANAaUzbJcNiX0
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「……我唔知。」妍妍看著海的雙眼變得空洞,不過她還把頭靠在我肩上,我很有信心她沒有任何投海的念頭。745Please respect copyright.PENANAN9FJ1d27cA
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然後她開口問:「你呢,如果最後童桐都係唔同你一齊,你又有咩打算?」745Please respect copyright.PENANAgfhguvHeqn
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「……我唔知。」我給出和妍妍一模一樣的答案。745Please respect copyright.PENANAIvhjuAkhOv
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看來我真的沒有鼓勵人的天分,但畢竟我也自身難保嘛。745Please respect copyright.PENANAhWZ7HSYv0d
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「……」745Please respect copyright.PENANAT0MpbsgaD5
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兩個不知還可以怎樣辦的人,就這樣互相倚靠在一起,坐在海邊喝著廉價的啤酒,吹著因暑氣而帶點異味的海風。745Please respect copyright.PENANArDUE9Rnucq
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不是甚麼事也能憑決心,憑努力去改寫的。745Please respect copyright.PENANA4U9Io0q3u9
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夏天,也到尾聲了。745Please respect copyright.PENANAaVK8j6GIJp