回家之後,我上網搜尋新聞,看到一張又一張英傑的照片,有些也提到英傑的過去,但我很早就知道台灣的新聞有大半是創作文,所以沒多加理會。
那陣子我每天上網搜尋英傑的名字,看最新的案情發展。因為死者的來頭不小,新聞鬧得很大,我也不敢貿然行事,深怕給自己或英傑增添更多麻煩。
英傑還有個同夥,在英傑被捕的時候,仍在逃亡。當時我的工作是在住宅大樓裡當社區秘書,過沒多久,新聞報出在逃亡的同夥尋求某個立委協助自首,好巧不巧地,那個立委就住在我工作的社區裡。405Please respect copyright.PENANAldLrOhJQTi
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這是個能夠聯絡上英傑的好機會,我心想。405Please respect copyright.PENANADeTUAFVn9B
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但是我猶豫了。405Please respect copyright.PENANAwKWQlio4la
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英傑那麼久不和我聯絡,是不是根本不想和我聯絡?是不是獄中太無聊,才想找人寫信打發時間?那些我自認為的兄妹情誼,是不是其實都是假的?
萬一我因此失去工作,或是被媒體捕風捉影,雪球越滾越大的時候怎麼辦?405Please respect copyright.PENANAWha9K4xpmY
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悲觀的想法一冒出來,就無法無天的蔓延。所有可能面臨的糟糕情況,我都想了一輪。405Please respect copyright.PENANAYAXQOeVXfX
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我很想告訴自己不是這樣,但內心又害怕。405Please respect copyright.PENANAnVKKCJCLHN
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我最害怕的,其實是當我找到他了,他卻早就忘記我是誰,那我該怎麼辦?405Please respect copyright.PENANAyyJhiWMqOy
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這些年來懸著一顆心的疑問就快要可以有解答了,我卻裹足不前。405Please respect copyright.PENANAUDxQydh9H3
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就這麼拖著拖著,直到我用了各種關鍵字,搜尋到英傑的部落格,也就是他用來和買家交易槍械的地方。405Please respect copyright.PENANAJwAcUffAtk
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部落格裡有關槍械的影片和文章都已刪除,只剩幾篇英傑打的心情日記。405Please respect copyright.PENANAucgC8JPkHG
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「我在地獄出生,也在地獄生活。」405Please respect copyright.PENANAOZCEjJwgc5
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「陽光是永遠照不進地獄的。」405Please respect copyright.PENANAOeBHf4fLdO
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這類文字充斥著他的文章。405Please respect copyright.PENANAUE1y2B0B7h
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我想起他曾在信裡寫「妳是我的天使」…405Please respect copyright.PENANAnYYKBcLYce
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我怎麼能是呢?如果我是,為什麼無法拯救你?405Please respect copyright.PENANANRc0Sm8qfn
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我抱著姑且一試的心情,在英傑的部落格留了隱藏的留言,告訴他我是誰,也說想見他一面,留下了自己的手機號碼,希望能有機會和他說說話。405Please respect copyright.PENANABDaVq5k94f
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新聞持續報導,同夥自首後,新聞的焦點便放在同夥身上,較少播報有關英傑的事。我心裡覺得這樣比較好,又一邊擔心再也無法得知英傑的消息。405Please respect copyright.PENANAYG6Wezc9eM
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我沒有等太久,就收到了回應。
英傑的姊姊(也是我同父異母的姊姊)用英傑的帳號回覆我了。405Please respect copyright.PENANAOSIPLTjrx5
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「我知道妳是誰,英傑和我說過他和妳寫了很長一段時間的信,妳也曾到過我家吧?」405Please respect copyright.PENANAturVk4PU9F
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她說英傑人在醫院治療,但現在不適合去找他,他也不太能通電話。我不懂嫌犯的審判流程,所以不知道她說的真實度有多少。405Please respect copyright.PENANAC9MNllmk3G
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我又碰了釘子,心裡更著急。只好繼續留言,釋出最大的善意,表示我是真的擔心及關心。405Please respect copyright.PENANAOpgqeBZJpG
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她沒有再回我。405Please respect copyright.PENANAUZzGdGYqa7
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但我接到英傑打來的電話,在兩個禮拜後。405Please respect copyright.PENANAeRHA3aDfiT
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「喂。」陌生的號碼,我心不在焉地接起。405Please respect copyright.PENANAgEZzdlpjug
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「……喂,笨蛋妹啊…」405Please respect copyright.PENANAbyjyj7DsJN
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聽見他的聲音,淚水就瞬間湧上眼眶。405Please respect copyright.PENANAVnaxCxuXbA
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「是我啦,妳哥啊。」沒聽見我回話,他急著說。405Please respect copyright.PENANAshMGxZgxjk
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「你才笨啦!」我明明有一堆話要說,居然只能先回嘴。405Please respect copyright.PENANAFYh5LU7fPs
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待續。
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