Chapter eleven
Novah
I need to find him.
I need to find him.
I need to find him.
I keep saying this over and over in my mind.
What if he's hurting himself?
Or getting drunk?
I don't know what he's doing and it's driving me insane. I'm the only one that knows how to numb his intense emotions. Numb or intensify? I don't know.
I just know he needs me. And I need him.
I call again. Of course, straight to voicemail.
I feel so hopeless and powerless right now. I feel sick to my stomach. I have nothing left to throw up.
I have no fucking will power left.
I have never, ever in my entire life felt so fucking bad. I feel like I'll crumble with one blow.
I lay on my bed, not crying, not sobbing, just existing. My dreadful existence.
A knock at the door pulls me out of my dark thoughts.
I don't move. I don't blink. I just lie there.
The door opens and standing there is Jon with a black baseball cap on, backward. He has a plastic bag with some styrofoam containers in it as well as a gallon of water.
"Novah, are you okay?"
He rushes over to my bedside.
"Yep," I groan.
"Sit up then,"
I groan and sit up, putting all my thoughts and worried on hold until I'm alone again.
God knows I want to vomit right now. But my stomach is dead empty.
I get a waft of Chinese food and gag.
"Jon, please get that away from me,"
I gag again at the smell of food. I can't do it. I pull my shirt over my nose as Jon moves the food to the farthest corner of the room.
I immediately feel bad for being so rude when he's brought me something to eat, more than I can do for myself.
"I'm sorry," I remove my shirt from over my nose. Jon sits next to me on the bed. "I just....have been vomiting a lot lately and the smell of food makes me sick,"
"You're sick?"
"No....."
How do I tell him that I'm so worried and guilty about what happened with Matt that I can't hold down any food?
"Then why are you vomiting?"
He places his hand on top of mine. "You can talk to me about anything. I'm here for you if you....."
Words start pouring out of my mouth and I lean against Jon's chest, crying into it as I tell him everything.
He listens patiently as I explain my emotions and thoughts and worries and anything in between.
I finally stop talking and am just crying. Jon is holding me in his arms.
"Matt is.....he's like that. He's done things like this before. He'll be back. I promise," Jon says in a soft voice.
I look up at his face and sniffle. "Your sure?"
"I'm completely and totally sure. Now, I'll stay here with you today, okay?"
I nod and stare at his face. He has a round, baby face. His eyes are sky blue. His curly blonde hair is absolutely adorable. He's so cute and caring.
His eyes are always warm and concerned. Like he really cares about you.
I reach up and pull his hat off, running my hand through his curls. I run my finger along his jawline lightly and watch his breathing speed up.
His eyes turn confused and unknowing. Like he doesn't know how he feels about it.
I place my finger on his bottom lip and pull it down a tad then drag down his neck, below the base of his throat. I pull the neckline of his shirt down a bit revealing a tuft of chest hair.
His breathing hitches as I run my fingers through the tiny island of soft chest hair.
"What are you doing?" he asks softly.
I look up at him, innocently.
"Just looking. You don't like it?"
His eyes flash with some emotion and he stands up.
"Let me get you a glass of water,"
I look between his legs and see his bulge, erect.
He starts turning pink and turns, walking out the door.
I start to rub the back of my neck.
What the hell was that? 267Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ34bNZsrBcP
Matt would be furious.
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