Chapter seven
Four days later....
Skylar holds my hair back while I throw up in the dorm bathroom toilet.
I feel some sort of relief and stand up. I usually never throw up. Ever. But lately, I can't hold down the things that I eat.
"C'mon. Let's go back upstairs," Skylar says.
After staying at Alessia's place for the weekend, I came back on Sunday night. Skylar knows nothing about what happened between Matt and I.
I haven't heard from Matt at all, which worries me deeply because he always texts me after our fights our comes to talk to me. Matt's mom just called and asked me where he was because she hasn't heard from him since Saturday, the day we broke up. No one has heard from him or seen him and I'm worried sick, literally. I have been throwing up since yesterday.
I feel guilty and sad.
I remember him cutting himself the last time we "broke up" and all sorts of ideas start swirling through my mind.
This is torture.
I remember his last words to me. If I leave him he's leaving this city.
I'm so, so worried for him and at this point, I just want him safe, in my arms. I'd do anything.
"Novah," Skylar pulls me out of my spiraling thoughts.
I'd forgotten that we had walked up the stairs and to our room.
Skylar hands me a bottle of water and a stick of gum.
I open the bottle of water and guzzle it down. I don't eat the stick of gum. I don't want anything in my mouth.
My phone buzzes across the room and I jump to get it. I turn my phone over and see that its just a meaningless notification. Nothing from Matt.
I rest my head in my hands and think. Where could he be? Why hasn't he texted or called?
Has he hurt himself or worst.......
I don't let my mind go there.
"Are you okay, baby?"
I turn and see Skylar sitting next to me on my bed.
I smile weakly. "Yes! I'm good. Now go do whatever you were planning on doing and don't worry about me," I say with faux confidence.
She looks at me warily but smiles. "I'll always be here for you. You tell me if you need anything, okay?"
She brushes one of my loose curls to the side and smiles again.
"Okay," I say, and hug her. She hugs back. I'm so grateful for Skylar.
"I love you, honey," Skylar says kindheartedly.278Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmHdjmcAX3B
"Love you too Sky," I murmur into her thick, wavy hair. It smells like vanilla.
She lets go and stands up.
"I'm going to study with a friend. I'll be back soon. Stay hydrated, babe," she picks up her backpack off of the floor and walks out of the room.
"Bye,"
I walk over to the door and shut it, sighing and leaning against the door.
As much as I appreciate Skylar, I'm happy to be alone right now.
I walk back over to my bed and pick up my phone.
I need to put my pride aside and call Matt. Yes, we've broken up but I care about him and his well-being.
I go into my contacts and click on Matt's name. His contact photo pops up. The one that Skylar put in my phone when I'd first met him.
It feels like a long time even though it's only been a little more than a couple of weeks.
I feel like a new person because of him. Because of the things we've done.
I stare at the photo for a few more seconds before clicking the call button. The phone rings and rings. No answer.
I call again. Nothing. Twice more. No answer.
I drop my phone on the bed, crying. This is all my fault. I shouldn't have left him alone.
I shouldn't have left him at all.
I should've put more time and faith in our relationship instead of opting out like bitch.
I should've done so many things that I didn't.....
My phone buzzes on the bed next to me. I bounce to pick it up.
I see Matt's name and photo on the screen.
I fumble with the phone a little before finally answering.
He clears his throat. "Novah?" His voice is raw and hoarse.
"Matt? Are you okay? Where are you? I'm coming over there right now,"
"Hold on. I'm okay. Are you?"
"Yes. Now, where are you?"
"Away from you, like you wanted," he says and his voice becomes quiet and distant. That's never a good sign when it comes to him.
"Matt, I love you," I say softly.
He takes in a breath and pauses. "Baby, don't say things like that,"
Hearing him call me baby again...... Almost makes me forget about everything. Right now I'm willing to forgive if it means his safety.
"Why not?" I ask innocently.
"Because I'm not the man for you....."
My heart breaks into a million pieces and I choke on air.
"What? What do you mean? Yes, you are. I want you....."
"Stop. You're saying all this out of fear. You're scared I'm gonna hurt myself, aren't you?"
A few silent moments pass.
"That's what I thought. Now, stop worrying about me. I'm so fucking sorry baby...."
I hear a sniffle over the phone. "God damn it," His voice is more emotional now. "I am so sorry and ashamed for hurting you again. I....I just don't deserve anything right now. Not a god damned thing,"
I hear a swishing noise and another sniffle.
"Can I come over?" I ask meekly.
More sniffling. I think Matt's crying.
He clears his throat. "I want you to. So fucking badly I want to touch you and kiss you and hold you but....." he pauses and takes a deep breath. "We all know how that's going to end,"
I sigh in defeat. At our every turn there's a problem. "I'm too fucked-up. You can't fix me," he adds.
"But Matt I want to be with you. No matter what it takes I want to be by your side. I want to be yours and...."
"Novah, stop. For fuck's sake. You're giving me hope right now and we both know the there's no hope for me. For us,"
The line goes dead. I move the phone from next to my ear and look at the screen. The call was ended. He hung up.
No. No! I dial again. Straight to voicemail.
No, no, no. This can't be happening. I need to know that he's okay. I need him to continue to talk to me.
I call again and again and again.
I keep calling until I know there's no hope of him picking up.
I crumble to the floor in a ball and start to sob.
"What do I do?!" I scream out loud. Who the hell am I been talking to? God. If there is one.
Nothing's certain. Nothing's clear. Nothing's defined.
I have no clue where Matt is. What he's doing. What state he's in. If he's hurt or crying.
This is my worst fucking nightmare.
And I caused it.
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