Chapter nineteen
Matt
I watch her gnaw on her lip as she stares into my eyes.
"Novah, I love you so much,"
I wasn't expecting myself to say something so..... mushy. I was expecting myself to say something dirty but instead, I say 'I love you'.
Who even am I?
Not myself, that's for damn sure.
I see her eyes come back to life from whatever trance she was in.
"Matt.....we can't work. We just can't. I can't take any more hurt or lies or pain. I will.....just...."
She can't even find the words for what I do to her. The fucking pain I cause her.
I deserve to die for that shit. I feel like a dumbass. Like, I deserve to feel all the pain in the world.
The anger I feel towards myself is so strong at this point.
She hates me.277Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz4w56lXOPp
Man, I'm a motherfucking asshole.
Loser.
Hurting the only woman I fucking love.
I just feel an explosion of feelings at this point and I can barely identify even half of them.277Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYGksLzgSuD
"I'M SORRY I'M NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THAT?! HUH?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?!"
I see her physically flinch at my bottled up frustrations that I just took out on her. I just directed all the anger that I feel towards myself, at her.
God damn.
Her bottom lip quivers and I see that doe-eyed look.
I immediately regret snapping on her. I climb on the bed next to her but she slaps me across the face. Hard. It doesn't hurt too bad but it stings......
It takes me a moment to register but once I do I look up and her eyes are red and overflowing with tears.
"I HATE YOU! ALL YOU DO IS MAKE ME FEEL HORRIBLE! ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE...."
I grab her from behind and clamp my hand over her mouth. I kiss her neck gently as she struggles to get out of my grasp.
I kiss her neck lightly and with as much love and care as possible. I can't use words to show love so I have to use physical affection. Its the only way I know-how. Physicality is how I show love.
I remove my hand slowly and continue kissing her neck. She's still sobbing uncontrollably.
"Shh, shh baby. I didn't mean to say that,"
I say while holding her from behind. I let go of her body to see what she'll do. She just stands there fucking dry sobbing. My poor baby.
I lie down on the bed and pull down with me. I wrap my arms around her and let her cry it out.
I know I fucking hurt her.
I just don't know how to not hurt people.
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