Chapter twenty-two
"We do need to talk, though," I try to say semi-sternly.
"I know we do, baby," he whispers.
"We do,"
He kisses my chin and smiles. "I know,"
I giggle. "Stop distracting me from what I'm trying to do,"
"You know what I'm trying to do," he says and winks at me.
"What?"
He grins playfully and I swear I see a little twinkle in his eye.
"I can't get today and this weekend off of my mind," I admit.
"What? You didn't have a fucking blast this weekend?" he asks sarcastically. I roll my eyes.
"No. I did not,"
He narrows his eyes at my neck.
"What happened to the jewelry I got you?" he asks.
Uh oh.
"Umm...I didn't feel right wearing it, especially with everything that was going on between us,"
"Well, where'd you put them?"
"In the closet,"
He looks downward and the humor from his face disappears. "I mean, it's your shit. If you don't want to wear it....."
"It wasn't that. I just felt wrong and guilty wearing it," I look at his wrist and see elastic bandages wrapped around both of them. I feel the breath snatched out of my fucking chest.
"Why were you cutting yourself?" I ask quietly, trying not to either start bawling or vomiting.
He looks away quickly. "It's how I cope, Nov,"
"How is harming yourself something that you use to cope?"
He inhales then exhales. "In all honesty...." he starts, "That's not why I do it,"
I can see the pain scrawled all over his face.
He's not looking at my eyes. He's tracing his wrist with his finger.
"Then why do you? Cause it pains me,"
He sighs again. "I don't like talking about this, Novah,"
"But I need to know. You trust me, right?"
He runs his hands through his hair and nods.
"Then why can't you talk to me about this?" I ask.
"Cause I just don't want to,"
I can see he's hurt. My poor boy.....
I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him on his lips tenderly. "I love you, Matt. You have absolutely no reason to harm yourself. I love you and will say it a million times over,"
"But Novah...."
"No. You deserve love, Mo mo," I call him the adorable nickname I created a little while back.
"No, I don't," he whispers.
As I'm kissing his cheek I taste something salty.
I lean back and see tears falling from his eyes.
"Matt," I kiss his neck tenderly.
"I don't fucking deserve you," he says angrily.
I wipe his tears away and twirl a lock of his hair around my finger, whilst kissing his cheek repeatedly.
"Novah, I...."
"I love you, my beautiful boy...." I try to say or do things that will make him see the real him. Love the real him. The version of himself that I see. Everyone makes mistakes. They shouldn't define us or cloud our perceptions of ourselves.
He clears his voice. "I....I first started cutting myself after I....."
More tears fall down his cheek. I place my hand on his cheek and kiss his lips. He closes his eyes and I see his long eyelashes beaded with tears. It means so much that he's opening up to me.
"After my sister....killed herself," he says roughly. I wrap my fingers around his and kiss the top of his knuckles. "She was so distraught about her twin getting murdered that she just....." he trails off. "I found her in the bathtub. She was underwater and.....and the water had so much blood in it. Her face was....." he gulps. "Pale,"
I look at his face feeling so much sympathy for the man before me who just happens to be my whole world. He consumes everything. My thoughts, actions, my whole entire fucking heart. And right now he's consumed by sadness. And guilt and hurt.
He takes a breath and continues. "Her wrists were cut open and I found her like that.......dead. Just like Jules and Maggie. After that, I felt that I deserved pain. That I deserve to be hurt and in pain all the time. I mean, I already was. I felt so, so...."
He gulps. "Guilty and ashamed. I did things to myself to cause even more pain then I was already in. Pain became so familiar that it kind of....felt good. It became like a close friend in a way,"
I just want to love him with all my heart and kiss him and hug him and show him he doesn't need to be in pain. That he shouldn't be in pain. How can I do that?
"Then I started drinking and it got so much worst. I felt trapped because I didn't want to go on living but I just.....couldn't die. I didn't want to put my family through that again. So I was stuck just......existing. And...man, I fucking hated myself. I despised.......loathed myself. I didn't want to die, I wanted to suffer. Just like my sisters did. I felt like I deserved it. That's why I cut myself. And every time I fuck up with you I feel that same way about the situation. Like I deserve to be in pain. But pain doesn't bother me as much as it should. As fucked up as it is.........I welcome pain. I don't fucking care, man. I don't give not two fucks about myself. Its when you're in pain. That shit is fucking TORTURE. Knowing that I disappointed you,"
He finally looks into my eyes. He caresses my cheek with his thumb.
"You may not think so but you....you are the most perfect, beautiful person I've ever fucking met. And telling you I love you...........man, it doesn't fit the god damned bill,"
I lay my head on his shoulder.
I run my hand up and down his back.
"You don't deserve pain. You deserve love. I want to love you,"
When he looks into my eyes, they are so riddled with fear and hurt. It makes me ache inside. There's no way to adequately explain how seeing so emotionally distraught makes me feel.
His eyebrow are knit together, and his eyes are wide and glistening with tears.
"Why? Why would you want to love someone like me?" he chokes.
"Because you're wonderful and worthy of love,"
"But I hurt you."
"Yes you did, but that doesn't mean I don't still want to love you. As much as I shouldn't want to, I do,"
He wraps his arms around my shoulder and pulls me against him.
He sniffles and clears his throat. "God, I love you,"
His voice is wavering and rough. His chest starts moving up and down and I feel tears rolling down his cheek onto my skin.
"I love you too, Matt."
"You promise?" he whispers, his voice thick with tears. I run my fingers through his hair.
"Of course, Matt,"
"Will you always love me?" he whimpers.
My poor Matt is sobbing against my shoulder. He's like a little boy that just wants to be loved.
"Yes, I will always love you,"
"Even though......" he breathes in. "Even though I'm messed up?"
"Stop saying that......"
"Please don't leave me....." he puts his hand on the back of my head, weaving his fingers through my hair.
"Please......" he's sobbing quietly, against my body. I can feel the wetness of his tears against my bare skin.
"Don't......" he cries. "Ever leave me....."
"I won't, Matt,"
"Please....." he grips my shoulder tightly, as he sobs.
"I won't," I reassure him. I just want him to feel loved and wanted and important.
I don't want him to feel like he deserves to be hurt. I want to heal this broken boy. The one I love with all my heart and soul. Even though, he hurts me repeatedly, its only cause he never learned to even love himself.
Hurt is all he knows.271Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN8XYCiXhOR
"Never leave me.......stay with me......" I pull back and look at his face.
His eyes are puffy and his cheeks are tear-streaked. I'm relieved he's letting out all those bottled-up emotions.
I pull him against my body, again. He lays his head on my chest and I lie back.
I caress his hair and he wraps his arms around my hips. I feel his heavy breathing.
"I will never, ever stop loving you. I promise," I say to him.
Silence.
"Matt,"
My poor angel has fallen asleep. I move his hand out from underneath me and wrap my fingers around his.
As much as I try, I'm not capable of stopping all the heavy, intense emotions I have for him.
Matt and I.
It will go on for far longer than I had initially anticipated.
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