Chapter forty-one
Novah
"Matt, how many times do I have to say this? I love you and I'm not gonna just abandon you. That's not what you do when you love someone,"
He moves his thumb over my cheek repeatedly, caressing it.
"Yeah but......everyone leaves me. I just feel that one day you will.......really leave me. I can just feel the pain coming,"
I kiss the bridge of his nose delicately.
"Matt, you don't always have to expect pain. Constant pain isn't....healthy and I know what you mean. When good things happen I always expect something bad to happen too. As long as we both keep trying our best, we can make it,"
"I want to marry you," he says quietly.
Did I hear that correctly?
Marriage is something I never thought I'd hear Matt Walker bring up.
We haven't even been on a solid date without something terrible interrupting or preventing it.
"Matt.....we're moving fast as it is, marriage is.....a big step, to say the least,"
"But if I know I find my happiness with you, why wouldn't I want to be with you forever?"
I don't say anything in response.
I don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him that I really don't want to get married. 239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW7KbaDxX9e
That's its not him, I just don't want to be in a marriage.239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVINoTCGziV
At least not now.239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnvwQwczVV8
That I don't want to be dependent and tied to a man.
I love him but....marriage?
I lay my head on his chest and sigh.
"Matt.....let's take it one step at a time. Okay?"
"Yes. I'm sorry. That was the stupidest shit that's ever come out of my mouth. Forget it,"
I sit up and look into his eyes.
"Hey, don't bash yourself for sharing your feelings with me. I'm always open to listening,"
His gaze moves to the side and he retains that distant look.
He seems...off.
"I have a question that I wanted to ask you," he says. It seems he's almost holding his breath.
He's not looking me in the eye which is always unusual for Matt.
"Yes?" I say softly, running my fingers over his light stubble. I love everything about him. From his beautiful jade eyes to every tattoo on his body.
"Well.....I'm trying..." he clears his throat and looks me in the eye, " To get sober again and Dr. Franklin suggested I go back to the weekly AA meetings,"
"That's wonderful Matt. I'm so happy,"
He smiles ever-so-slightly, barely a smile.
"But..." he starts. But what? Is it something bad. Oh god, it's bound to be something terrible.
"I really, really.....would like it if you came with me. Just for the first meeting. You help me stay calm,"
He shuts his eyes tightly and I feel his body tense up.
"Of course, I'll come. That's what I'm for. To support you,"
He opens his left eye slightly and I laugh.
"Really?" he whispers with only one eye open.
"Yes, of course. I'll go with you to every meeting if you need it,"
"Thank you, thank you, thank you....." he hugs me tightly, squeezing my body.
"Its no problem, Matt....." I squeal as he bear-hugs me.
"Are you sure you want to go to an alcoholics anonymous meeting, though?" he asks/
"I'd go anywhere if you needed me to,"
He grins and shows all his white, perfectly-lined teeth.
He kisses me on the lips, slowly, before pulling back.
"Well, I want to go to the gym. Can I?"
"Why are you asking me?"
"I don't know. I'm going to the one at the apartment complex. They have a clubhouse and stuff. Want to come?"
I probably shouldn't.
I'm not productive around him, at all and believe it or not, I have things to do.
We're just probably going to end up having sex and I'm already sore as it is from all the sex we've had today.
We really just can't keep our hands off each other.
Not that I would mind having sex again.......
I enjoy anything sexual with Matt but I need to get my shit done.
"No, I have work to do, but hurry at the gym cause we need to go to the beach with Jon, remember?"
The corners of his lips curl upward into a devious grin.
"Yeah. Ol' Jon. I'm so fucking excited to see him," Matt says, smiling, the corner of his eyes crinkling.
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